This week has been hard. hard because of obvious reasons, but hard because of some other things I havent really wanted to think about.
Lately, it seems like too many lives are being cut short.
A sweet boy i went to jr high, highschool and college with passed away a few weeks ago unexpectedly. my heart hurts for his family, his twin, and his friends that were so close to him. That took everyone by surprise and shook up everyone who's lives he touched. Made me realize just how fast life can change...still can't believe it really happened.
And on sunday, a friend i had freshman year of college passed away in a car wreck... and i cant help but keep thinking about how our last, mean conversation went. i wish...so badly.. that we hadnt left on such awful terms. we said awful things to each other. i was bugging him...he was bugging me...i wish i could take back what i said 100x over. im not sure if he even remembers or cares that that was the last time we talked...i'm sure he'd laugh if i brought up our mean convo we had 3 whole years ago... but this really opened up my eyes and makes me appreciate everyone in my life...it makes me not want to say a harsh word to anyone EVER..and it made me want to tell the people in my life i love, that i love them. I'm so sorry Chayse.
Tomorrow is my last day of work at the hospital. (mostly i'm just going in to say goodbye to my bosses and cry and hug them.) it has been an amazing year and i am so blessed i got to have the bosses and co-workers i did. i learned SO much about social work, and i know its what i'm really passionate about and what im supposed to do. i want to help new moms quit their drug habit, i want to reach out and give them resources and people who can help them. i want to counsel families who just lost their little babes, and i want to help give adoptive families their new little bundles of joy. i feel like i just got the hang of working there... (i finally even became friends with the verrrrry intimidating charge nurse!! she asked me the other day if we should run a drug screen on a certain mother who had been in prison...i told her i was unsure, and she said, 'youre the social worker, i trust you and i trust your decision.' That kinda blew me away. I'm really sad to be leaving.
Aside from those things.. i'm graduating on Saturday. this is hard for me guys! Saying goodbye to Logan was especially hard. When i walked out of Old Main after my last final, it was the weirdest feeling. I must have taken at least 50 finals in that building the past 4 years. I even had to say goodbye to WALMART late one night! gosh i love that place. haha. im serious. i dont really do well with change. i didnt think i'd graduate high school, and here i am graduating college. its scary...i never thought i'd get this far. and here i am! now what? my plans seem so silly now. I'm going to do the things i love and take this time to be selfish..just for a little bit. I want to become a better person this next year, so i can be a great person when i get blessed with my own family. Thats all i really care about.
I started my new job today in Salt Lake. I'm nannying for 1-year old triplets, and its a great paying job with perfect hours. it will be a good way to make money before grad school... all the boys are so sweet, and coming home with babyfood and baby spit up all over my clothes isnt really half bad. i don't mind it at all. I may get another job, now that my summer plans have pretty much changed..i'd love to be working every waking hour if i could.
I just feel like im ready for certain things in my life right now, that just wont come. And i feel like i have waited so...so long for these things to happen. Am i being dramatic? maybe. but thats how i feel.
but i was reminded of a quote the other day by Elder Holland...bless his heart...
"Some blessings come soon, and some dont come until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come"
I must have faith that everything will work out for the best. Because that is my only option.
Showing posts with label Hopsital Internship. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hopsital Internship. Show all posts
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
wanna know what i love?
i love seeing mamas hold their babies.
a lot of times at the hospital we help out moms who come from a really rough background...have really hard lives and struggle to take proper care of their babies due to drug addiction, abusive situations...etc.
but what i love?
is when i see one of those specific moms hold their baby so lovingly, and with so much admiration, that they will try their absolute hardest to give that little bundle of joy the best life possible.
there is nothing that comes close to seeing a new mom adore and love on her baby, especially when their lives haven't been a piece of cake. thats what i love.
a lot of times at the hospital we help out moms who come from a really rough background...have really hard lives and struggle to take proper care of their babies due to drug addiction, abusive situations...etc.
but what i love?
is when i see one of those specific moms hold their baby so lovingly, and with so much admiration, that they will try their absolute hardest to give that little bundle of joy the best life possible.
there is nothing that comes close to seeing a new mom adore and love on her baby, especially when their lives haven't been a piece of cake. thats what i love.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Denial & grieving
I have always known what denial was, but have never really experienced it to the full extent of what it can be, until last friday.
When my mom got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer a few years ago, i guess i sort of was in denial, but only a little bit. I accepted the diagnoses and would cry and pray about it often..but thats all. Whenever she would talk to me about plans for the unsure future, if she died sometime soon, how me and my sisters would have to move on and keep living our lives etc...i would just push it to the back of my mind, tell her i didnt want to talk about it and run to the bathroom to start crying. I thought that i was denying the fact that my mom could very possibly pass away in the near future. (thank heavens she is alive and well today!) But that was my way of living in denial. i just didnt want to discuss it with her, even though i knew it was there. i knew it was a possibilty, i knew i may have to deal with something traumatic soon...but i chose to not deal with it 100%, and thats how i got through. I accepted it, privately grieved over the possibility of losing my mother, but chose to not discuss it with her. I thought that was denial.
But last week at the hospital i ran into full fledged DENIAL, and i have never felt so strange talking to someone who was clearly not in the state of mind for greiving, when thats where her heart should have been. Everyone grieves differently...but i had never seen this before.
(Being a social worker in the hospital has opened up my heart to so many sad, and heartwrenching situations....sometimes i wonder if i can do this for the rest of my life, because it sort of makes me crazy.)
Last week we got a call while in our pediatrics meeting, that we had a '38 week demise' we needed to attend to in Labor and Delivery. The mother (lets call her..Jane Doe.)...had worked in an OBGYN office just down the hall from us at the hospital. She had difficulties with infertility, previously had a miscarraige, so this time around tried in-vitro. Jane finally carried and held on to her pregnancy, and im sure working in an obgyn got all the special treatments from the doctors there. She was close with everyone in the office, and everyone was very attached to her and this pregnancy she was trying so hard for. She recieved an ultra sound that day at work from her doctor and friend, and the doctor found that the baby's heart had stopped beating. And that was it. Jane immediately wanted things taken care of, so she checked into L&D about a half hour later. After Jane had left, the doctor was in tears for her friend, and handed off the case to a colleague. The nurses we talked to all were heartbroken, the social workers felt a pang of sadness...everyone involved in the case just had a heavy heart this day.
After giving Jane and her husband about an hour to get a grasp on the situation and get situated in their room, and try to fathom what had just happened, my boss and I entered their room. Initially, it just felt weird. Aside from her reddened eyes, it seemed like any other post-partum consult, but maybe the mother and father had been fighting before we entered?...which would have been weird for a situation like this. Jane's husband was sitting almost on the other side of the room, far away from her hospital bed. Jane was sitting up in bed and could tell was still trying to grasp that her 38 week old baby, whom she had felt kick in her tummy only hours before, had stopped living. I couldn't stop staring at her huge, beautiful pregnant belly.
We began to discuss the circumstances they were under and gently explained the greiving process that would be ahead of them in the days/months to come. We always talk about how men and women greive differently, and you could obviously tell with this couple we needed to talk to them in depth about this. Jane's husband seemed absolutely flat...had no emotion, and it was as if he was sitting in a work meeting just being BORED...bored and maybe a little bit angry. He showed nothing and did not look up to make eye contact when answering any of the questions. It was almost as if he was angry with Jane...so later on that day, we made sure to discuss that sometimes couples need to find a reason why this awful thing could have happened..and sometimes people blame theirselves or their spouses. We appropriately made it clear it was neither of their faults..talked more about the stages of grief they may be feeling..and moved on. He didnt seem to care or be listening to us. He still was flat and far away, obviously not present at the moment.
Jane on the other hand, aside from her slightly swollen eyes, was very talkative...and giggling after almost every sentence. We began with the necessary mortuary paperwork (a word that you hate to even think about or mention in a situation like this) and all the other legal documents that needed to be signed that day. Paper after paper, not a single tear. Just professionalism and the occasional giggle. When she laughed, i watched her 9 month baby bump jiggle..and it pulled at my heart to know that her babe was in there, but she would never get to fully meet her child. Why was she laughing? Why was she alright and signing all these death certificates without any tears running down her face? Yes she was in shock..but I'd never seen shock like this before. And why wasn't her husband holding her hand or at least sitting by her?
I felt a complete punch in the stomach when we asked for the baby's name for the death certificate..Jane had to get her husbands attention because he was on the phone..and after a few seconds of questions to her husband, she said they hadn't really decided on a name yet. *painfully hurtful silence* I wanted to get up and run outta that room. Not because it was a miserable subject, but because they weren't really even sad when they had said it. He was on the phone, she was being businesslike. If someone had asked me what i was planning on naming my unborn child who had literally just passed away, I would break down... absolutely break down. I'd kick the stupid social workers out and demand privacy and some tissues. I would make my husband get in the hospital bed with me, and hold me while i sobbed and snotted all over, while i held my pregnant belly.
Now please know, i am not criticizing their grieving process. Everybody grieves differently. And pure denial, not choosing to recognize what has happened, is just a serious defense mechanism. And I felt so sad for them. I felt even more sad on this case than the cases where I feel my eyes sting with tears when I see the mother cradle her empty stomach and talk about her baby she had just lost. I just wanted this couple to recognize what had happened...because the healing process would be so much longer if they chose not to accept what was happening.
Towards the end of the day, Jane had told us that she wanted to immediately make plans to get pregnant again and that her doctor said it was fine if she did. She still had her baby inside of her and she was already making plans for a new one. I couldn't understand it still. Medically and emotionally that is not the healthiest thing to do after a loss like this.
I knew the true grief this mom would experience would not hit for at least a week, maybe even a month-6 months. She was not dealing with the truth. This baby she had planned for, for a VERY long time, would not be coming home with her, and she claimed she realized it, but she didnt. I wanted to hug her and tell her to cry. I wanted to tell her husband to go hold her and hand let his wife know that it was going to be okay!
Doing grief counseling with couples during a fetal demise always pains me because i have a dear friend who has gone through this situation, and listening to the pain and emotions she went through over the months just made me ache for her and with her. It makes me hurt for every patient who loses a child. Whenever we get called onto a fetal death, especially a late-term fetal death, it is very hard to grasp that the situation is real, and that people will live with this memory the rest of their lives. They will always remember that day on the calendar, and they will always remember the details about when they heard the awful news.
Perhaps the news had not hit Jane and her husband. Perhaps it hit them and they refused to believe it was real. Perhaps they had had so many let downs in the past, that they were used to grieving and this was just another hard situation they would have to get over and this is how they 'deal'.
I just hope that when i'm a legit social worker..and have a real, grown up job all by myself..I will be able to help grieving women in times like these. If i wasnt 'just an inten' i would start a greiving group at the hospital for moms who had lost their babies... because moms who accept the loss need help grieving and going through the motions to get back into their daily routines, but moms who don't choose to accept the reality of their loss, need it even more. And i pray i will be able to learn what to say and the appropriate actions to take in future cases like this one.
At the end of the day, after you've done all you can do, you have to let go of your cases and that sucks. But i still take them home with me and still think about them for a while until my head starts to hurt..and...until my heart settles and believes i've done everything i could have done to help those patients.
Grieving is hard, but living in denial is even harder.
When my mom got diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer a few years ago, i guess i sort of was in denial, but only a little bit. I accepted the diagnoses and would cry and pray about it often..but thats all. Whenever she would talk to me about plans for the unsure future, if she died sometime soon, how me and my sisters would have to move on and keep living our lives etc...i would just push it to the back of my mind, tell her i didnt want to talk about it and run to the bathroom to start crying. I thought that i was denying the fact that my mom could very possibly pass away in the near future. (thank heavens she is alive and well today!) But that was my way of living in denial. i just didnt want to discuss it with her, even though i knew it was there. i knew it was a possibilty, i knew i may have to deal with something traumatic soon...but i chose to not deal with it 100%, and thats how i got through. I accepted it, privately grieved over the possibility of losing my mother, but chose to not discuss it with her. I thought that was denial.
But last week at the hospital i ran into full fledged DENIAL, and i have never felt so strange talking to someone who was clearly not in the state of mind for greiving, when thats where her heart should have been. Everyone grieves differently...but i had never seen this before.
(Being a social worker in the hospital has opened up my heart to so many sad, and heartwrenching situations....sometimes i wonder if i can do this for the rest of my life, because it sort of makes me crazy.)
Last week we got a call while in our pediatrics meeting, that we had a '38 week demise' we needed to attend to in Labor and Delivery. The mother (lets call her..Jane Doe.)...had worked in an OBGYN office just down the hall from us at the hospital. She had difficulties with infertility, previously had a miscarraige, so this time around tried in-vitro. Jane finally carried and held on to her pregnancy, and im sure working in an obgyn got all the special treatments from the doctors there. She was close with everyone in the office, and everyone was very attached to her and this pregnancy she was trying so hard for. She recieved an ultra sound that day at work from her doctor and friend, and the doctor found that the baby's heart had stopped beating. And that was it. Jane immediately wanted things taken care of, so she checked into L&D about a half hour later. After Jane had left, the doctor was in tears for her friend, and handed off the case to a colleague. The nurses we talked to all were heartbroken, the social workers felt a pang of sadness...everyone involved in the case just had a heavy heart this day.
After giving Jane and her husband about an hour to get a grasp on the situation and get situated in their room, and try to fathom what had just happened, my boss and I entered their room. Initially, it just felt weird. Aside from her reddened eyes, it seemed like any other post-partum consult, but maybe the mother and father had been fighting before we entered?...which would have been weird for a situation like this. Jane's husband was sitting almost on the other side of the room, far away from her hospital bed. Jane was sitting up in bed and could tell was still trying to grasp that her 38 week old baby, whom she had felt kick in her tummy only hours before, had stopped living. I couldn't stop staring at her huge, beautiful pregnant belly.
We began to discuss the circumstances they were under and gently explained the greiving process that would be ahead of them in the days/months to come. We always talk about how men and women greive differently, and you could obviously tell with this couple we needed to talk to them in depth about this. Jane's husband seemed absolutely flat...had no emotion, and it was as if he was sitting in a work meeting just being BORED...bored and maybe a little bit angry. He showed nothing and did not look up to make eye contact when answering any of the questions. It was almost as if he was angry with Jane...so later on that day, we made sure to discuss that sometimes couples need to find a reason why this awful thing could have happened..and sometimes people blame theirselves or their spouses. We appropriately made it clear it was neither of their faults..talked more about the stages of grief they may be feeling..and moved on. He didnt seem to care or be listening to us. He still was flat and far away, obviously not present at the moment.
Jane on the other hand, aside from her slightly swollen eyes, was very talkative...and giggling after almost every sentence. We began with the necessary mortuary paperwork (a word that you hate to even think about or mention in a situation like this) and all the other legal documents that needed to be signed that day. Paper after paper, not a single tear. Just professionalism and the occasional giggle. When she laughed, i watched her 9 month baby bump jiggle..and it pulled at my heart to know that her babe was in there, but she would never get to fully meet her child. Why was she laughing? Why was she alright and signing all these death certificates without any tears running down her face? Yes she was in shock..but I'd never seen shock like this before. And why wasn't her husband holding her hand or at least sitting by her?
I felt a complete punch in the stomach when we asked for the baby's name for the death certificate..Jane had to get her husbands attention because he was on the phone..and after a few seconds of questions to her husband, she said they hadn't really decided on a name yet. *painfully hurtful silence* I wanted to get up and run outta that room. Not because it was a miserable subject, but because they weren't really even sad when they had said it. He was on the phone, she was being businesslike. If someone had asked me what i was planning on naming my unborn child who had literally just passed away, I would break down... absolutely break down. I'd kick the stupid social workers out and demand privacy and some tissues. I would make my husband get in the hospital bed with me, and hold me while i sobbed and snotted all over, while i held my pregnant belly.
Now please know, i am not criticizing their grieving process. Everybody grieves differently. And pure denial, not choosing to recognize what has happened, is just a serious defense mechanism. And I felt so sad for them. I felt even more sad on this case than the cases where I feel my eyes sting with tears when I see the mother cradle her empty stomach and talk about her baby she had just lost. I just wanted this couple to recognize what had happened...because the healing process would be so much longer if they chose not to accept what was happening.
Towards the end of the day, Jane had told us that she wanted to immediately make plans to get pregnant again and that her doctor said it was fine if she did. She still had her baby inside of her and she was already making plans for a new one. I couldn't understand it still. Medically and emotionally that is not the healthiest thing to do after a loss like this.
I knew the true grief this mom would experience would not hit for at least a week, maybe even a month-6 months. She was not dealing with the truth. This baby she had planned for, for a VERY long time, would not be coming home with her, and she claimed she realized it, but she didnt. I wanted to hug her and tell her to cry. I wanted to tell her husband to go hold her and hand let his wife know that it was going to be okay!
Doing grief counseling with couples during a fetal demise always pains me because i have a dear friend who has gone through this situation, and listening to the pain and emotions she went through over the months just made me ache for her and with her. It makes me hurt for every patient who loses a child. Whenever we get called onto a fetal death, especially a late-term fetal death, it is very hard to grasp that the situation is real, and that people will live with this memory the rest of their lives. They will always remember that day on the calendar, and they will always remember the details about when they heard the awful news.
Perhaps the news had not hit Jane and her husband. Perhaps it hit them and they refused to believe it was real. Perhaps they had had so many let downs in the past, that they were used to grieving and this was just another hard situation they would have to get over and this is how they 'deal'.
I just hope that when i'm a legit social worker..and have a real, grown up job all by myself..I will be able to help grieving women in times like these. If i wasnt 'just an inten' i would start a greiving group at the hospital for moms who had lost their babies... because moms who accept the loss need help grieving and going through the motions to get back into their daily routines, but moms who don't choose to accept the reality of their loss, need it even more. And i pray i will be able to learn what to say and the appropriate actions to take in future cases like this one.
At the end of the day, after you've done all you can do, you have to let go of your cases and that sucks. But i still take them home with me and still think about them for a while until my head starts to hurt..and...until my heart settles and believes i've done everything i could have done to help those patients.
Grieving is hard, but living in denial is even harder.
Friday, January 13, 2012
babies babies babies babies
i love them. i love their widdle hands and their widdle feet and their annoying widdle cry.
anyway, babies are just little miracles swaddled up in cuteness....i just feel so blessed to be able to be a part of the social work team at mckay-dee.
that is all.
- working in the NICU & the mama unit has been amazing. last semester i saw and did a lot of really cool stuff..helped with adoptions, was the witness on the surrogacy papers, educated countless moms on post partum depression, counseled a family who was about to lose their baby..witnessed moms kissing and crying onto their sweet little angels who didn't make it to this world and learning the correct words to offer for comfort...it has been amazing working here. i love it and it makes me excited to have my own someday. a baby to call MY OWN! a baby that looks like me..has my nose (maybe my husbands eyes) and has a smile just like mine.
- i love walking into a room and seeing one mother holding her baby and notice its little yawn..and i love walking into another room down the hall and see a fatty little 9 pounder with tons of hair on its little noggin..i love catching myself talking babytalk to these mom's babies..even if im cooing in english to a cutie little hispanic baby. they probly think im a NUT. (its fine. i pretend 1. the baby can understand me....2. the baby is bi-lingual)
- its not all fun and games though. its hard and draining and i've come home almost in tears before. i'll be gone from the hospital for a few days and when i come back and ask about the case i was on, it is a punch in the chest to hear that my NICU baby has passed away. the same NICU baby that i was informed was possibly not going to make it, but the parents believed the baby would. ive never felt like i was lying to a patient before when i went in their room getting information, giving encouraging words about the skill of the NICU staff and the truly amazing care their baby was getting, but legally not being able to even hint that i knew anything about the medical situation.. after i heard the news, i think.."i wish i woulda been there to follow up with that family, so they didnt have to talk to a complete stranger at the time they needed someone most. even if i wasn't good at my job, at least they could have recognized a familiar face when they were making final arrangements! at least they could have had that." it is frustrating to me that i couldn't be there. it hurts my heart and i wish i could have attended the funeral, could have followed up with them afterwards. but once the case is handed off to someone else, thats the end of it and you never see them again. and it sucks.
- alot of times i feel unqualified to be asking such personal questions when i'm doing a patient screening...(asking very personal questions about marriage status..living arrangements..outside relationships...drug and alcohol use..etc.) wanna know who scares me most though? excuse my language...but bratty teenage girls who dont give a rats ass that they just birthed a MIRACLE, because they are busy thinking about when their next high will be, or when the next time they can secretly run to the parkinglot to take a smoke. it drives me bonkers, and those teenagers really intimiade me. they make me sweat and mumble and i hate it! my boss said when i get nervouse like that around drug moms and teens, i need to walk in and act like i'm 'all that and a bag of chips' because they need to know they need to respect me (and quit texting while i'm talking to them for crying out loud) and that i have a 'certain level of superiority' when i am inquring about hx of drug use and things like that. (this is not to act like i am better than them at all..but it is to create a professional relationship so they'll take me seriously when i offer them legit resources that can improve their lives, even if they deny me.) so basically, i need to act like i know what i'm doing, even when in my head i'm having flashbacks to the scary kids by the 1100 hall at davis high. gotta cut those flashbacks out..hahah. i need to work on that. :/
- high profile cases make me have severe anxiety..hoping i did everything fully and right and legally..and thats all i'll say about that.
- i also dont think newborns look as much like aliens as i did before. (but they are still weird lookin when they are brand new and their faces are still swollen)
anyway, babies are just little miracles swaddled up in cuteness....i just feel so blessed to be able to be a part of the social work team at mckay-dee.
that is all.
Saturday, November 5, 2011
update snippets, snitches.
-i am in love with my practicum and am so glad that i am actually willing to get up outta bed at 7ish in the morning to get there in time for rounds. i love it, i love my supervisors, i love how we talk bad about their ex husbands and they coach me through my life. i love how they encourage me to go on to grad school and not be pressured into settling for something less than i deserve. i love how we tell funny jokes and how lisa always swears. i love that becky wants to hang out with me even though i'm only 21. i love that i am learning so much about mothers and babies and pregnancy and loss and grief and adoption and protective services and counseling and medicine and miracles and good hearted people out there who just want the best for everyone. i love my internship and am so so blessed i got placed here. its exactly what i needed at this point of my life.
-my sister jackie is here for the weekend. its my other sister tami's birthday on sunday...so party rockin in the booooooth house! kristin is here and michelle is of course here, because shes the only child nugget that is still in highschool. she has a frickin boyfriend we are meeting this weekend..so i'm going to be sure to put on my awkward pants and talk in a lisp when i see him. anyways, its great to have all my sisters together. really really great.
-my friend showed me the trailer for 'the woman in black' and i about peed myself. the only reason i watched the trailer was cuz daniel radcliffe is in it and i wanted to see if he was charming without his round little glasses on..anyways..go scare yourself silly and IMDB that shiz
-wingers is getting the best of me lately. (so what if i ordered some to-go for myself and ate it feverishly in the parking lot!?)
-the first snow today made me automatically happy and then...only like 2% sad. things were so different last november...last winter. i spent my days running up the steps of his apartment and shaking the snow off my boots on his doormat and being so excited to spend a nice cozy evening in his nice apartment with him. making plans for our future, eating strawberry oatmeal together.. :( fhjdsfhjdkashfdjs. how weird is that, that something so stupid can trigger a memory like that? snow? really? REALLY? frozen water falling from the sky!?! puh-the-tic nicole. get yourself together.
-oprah winfrey's lifeclass webcasts are CHAAANNGGINNG MYYY LIFFFEEE. want free therapy? go ahead, click HERE! . youre welcome.
-17 credits was kicking my butt until i realized that i should spend less time on pinterest and fb and more time writing papers. okay..its still kicking my butt because even though i realize i DO have enough time in my day to get all my crap done..i still havent changed my crack-addict type behavior towards pinterest. but i willllll. someday. (actually its funny because i saw a quote ON pinterest..something to the effect of..."you and albert einstein had the same amount of hours in a day. work harder.") HA to the HA.
-im excited for thanksgiving and christmas.
-ever read hyperbole and a half? i'd post another link but my eyes are drooping and i'm too tired. anyways, my point was.... i was having a bad day the other day, so i started talking like SPAGEHTTA NADLE and it cheered me RIGHT UP. AHHH I'M A SPAGEHTTA NADLE NAIS TAO MAHT YAO
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers.
-my sister jackie is here for the weekend. its my other sister tami's birthday on sunday...so party rockin in the booooooth house! kristin is here and michelle is of course here, because shes the only child nugget that is still in highschool. she has a frickin boyfriend we are meeting this weekend..so i'm going to be sure to put on my awkward pants and talk in a lisp when i see him. anyways, its great to have all my sisters together. really really great.
-my friend showed me the trailer for 'the woman in black' and i about peed myself. the only reason i watched the trailer was cuz daniel radcliffe is in it and i wanted to see if he was charming without his round little glasses on..anyways..go scare yourself silly and IMDB that shiz
-wingers is getting the best of me lately. (so what if i ordered some to-go for myself and ate it feverishly in the parking lot!?)
-the first snow today made me automatically happy and then...only like 2% sad. things were so different last november...last winter. i spent my days running up the steps of his apartment and shaking the snow off my boots on his doormat and being so excited to spend a nice cozy evening in his nice apartment with him. making plans for our future, eating strawberry oatmeal together.. :( fhjdsfhjdkashfdjs. how weird is that, that something so stupid can trigger a memory like that? snow? really? REALLY? frozen water falling from the sky!?! puh-the-tic nicole. get yourself together.
-oprah winfrey's lifeclass webcasts are CHAAANNGGINNG MYYY LIFFFEEE. want free therapy? go ahead, click HERE! . youre welcome.
-17 credits was kicking my butt until i realized that i should spend less time on pinterest and fb and more time writing papers. okay..its still kicking my butt because even though i realize i DO have enough time in my day to get all my crap done..i still havent changed my crack-addict type behavior towards pinterest. but i willllll. someday. (actually its funny because i saw a quote ON pinterest..something to the effect of..."you and albert einstein had the same amount of hours in a day. work harder.") HA to the HA.
-im excited for thanksgiving and christmas.
-ever read hyperbole and a half? i'd post another link but my eyes are drooping and i'm too tired. anyways, my point was.... i was having a bad day the other day, so i started talking like SPAGEHTTA NADLE and it cheered me RIGHT UP. AHHH I'M A SPAGEHTTA NADLE NAIS TAO MAHT YAO
cheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeers.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Should's and Shouldn'ts of Labor and Delivery
I have put off blogging this.. basically because i dont know what to say or how to best explain the situations i've seen over the past few weeks.. but i'll do my best.
(note: the only reason i'm referring to these babies as 'its' is to keep confidientiality. babies are not 'its' to me :) )
A few weeks ago, i experienced the first 'fetal demise' in my internship. a 'fetal demise' is where a baby dies, either in utero, is born dead, or dies shortly after birth. as social workers, we are responsible for counseling the family, offering the family a memorium of their lost baby, dressing the baby to take its picture (if requested), calling the mortuary, making arrangements, etc so the pain of the loss isn't so hard on the family. WELL.. luckily, most of that had already been taken care of, and i came into the situation on the tail end of this experience. we had met in care coordination for our daily meeting, and were informed that a baby had been born with a certain genetic disorder last night and had died a few short hours after birth. we had been informed of this days ahead and were expecting this mother and baby to come sometime soon. After most of the arrangements were made, my supervisor and i went to go visit this family. the family was still with the baby when we had knocked on their door, 16 hours after the baby had died. apparaently the mortuary had just arrived and the family was saying their final goodbyes, so my supervisor and i stepped out, out of respect, and waited.
After the goodbyes were said, we walked the man from the mortuary with the deceased baby out into the staff hallways so he could successfully reach the hearse without being stopped along the way. it was so strange to me...waiting in the elevator with this man, holding this bundled up tiny little child in a blue blanket, my supervisor pulled back the front corner of the blanket and we looked at this darling baby's face. the baby had a white headband on with a flower almost bigger than its own head! but it was darling. since the baby had been gone for 16 hours, i was expecting the face and coloring to look worse... but it looked really good, considering how much time had passed. the baby was full term...and my thought was... this baby should be alive. the baby looked like it should be breathing..but it wasnt. the baby should be moving and cooing and yawning and fidgeting...but it wasnt. i was so used to seeing babies in their newborn cradles in the hospital moving around and looking every which way and sucking on their binky and screaming their heads off....all i could think was, 'this baby should be moving'. but it wasnt. it was still...and it didn't feel like a baby. it felt like a body. waiting in this elevator with this sweet baby...made me feel like it wasnt a baby at all. it was sort of just an object...(and i do not say that out of heartlessness or coldness).....but it was so...so strange to me to feel that and conciously say that in my head...and i didn't realize until afterwards that of course it didn't feel like a baby. it was a baby...but that sweet spirit left the night before, shortly after it made its debut here on earth. that spirit was not present when i looked into that little babys face. it had left, and spiritually, i could feel it. i did not appreciate the tiny signs of life present in a newborn baby until i saw this particular baby. i now take note of every head turn, every blink, every breath that these tiny humans take, whenever i get the chance.
Another baby was born about a week after that one, that particularly pulled at my heart. this baby was only at 24 weeks gestation. anyone who is a mom or knows their baby stuff, knows that babies cannot survive outside of the womb that young. it is nearly impossible to keep a baby alive and healthy when it is not done growing. This baby decided to come suddenly, and the birth could not be stopped. the baby was breech and quickly pulled out, feet first. immediately rushed to the NICU, our team started working on the baby. Later that day...one of my supervisors pulled me aside to go see 'the 24 weeker'. i was shocked. i have never seen something that tiny, living and breathing. its skin was loose and wrinkled, it was bruised and red and spotted from the rough delivery and uncomplete gestation period. its hands and feet seemed much too big for its body, and the diaper placed on this baby was about the size of my abnormally small hand, and even it was too big. the ventilator the baby was on was shaking its entire body, which normally wouldnt affect a full term baby. this baby was on life support, occasionally moving on its own and breathing big puffs of air into its tiny little chest. it was so tiny, and new, and not right. this baby shouldn't be alive. it was too tiny to survive in this big world! i was in awe just watching it move. my supervisor told me the baby had severe complications and would most likely not live, but it had a few more days left of fight in it before we were able to assess the situation further and figure out how much brain damage was done (it was extensive, this child would most likely have little to no brain function at all). The family of the baby was very positive and we felt like they would eventually decide to take the baby off the ventilator and let nature take its course. I have not been back to the hospital since my last shift, and can only hope this baby is where it is supposed to be right at this very moment.
I have learned that things often dont always go like we plan... especially when God's hand plays a part and His agenda and will is much, much bigger than our own.
(note: the only reason i'm referring to these babies as 'its' is to keep confidientiality. babies are not 'its' to me :) )
A few weeks ago, i experienced the first 'fetal demise' in my internship. a 'fetal demise' is where a baby dies, either in utero, is born dead, or dies shortly after birth. as social workers, we are responsible for counseling the family, offering the family a memorium of their lost baby, dressing the baby to take its picture (if requested), calling the mortuary, making arrangements, etc so the pain of the loss isn't so hard on the family. WELL.. luckily, most of that had already been taken care of, and i came into the situation on the tail end of this experience. we had met in care coordination for our daily meeting, and were informed that a baby had been born with a certain genetic disorder last night and had died a few short hours after birth. we had been informed of this days ahead and were expecting this mother and baby to come sometime soon. After most of the arrangements were made, my supervisor and i went to go visit this family. the family was still with the baby when we had knocked on their door, 16 hours after the baby had died. apparaently the mortuary had just arrived and the family was saying their final goodbyes, so my supervisor and i stepped out, out of respect, and waited.
After the goodbyes were said, we walked the man from the mortuary with the deceased baby out into the staff hallways so he could successfully reach the hearse without being stopped along the way. it was so strange to me...waiting in the elevator with this man, holding this bundled up tiny little child in a blue blanket, my supervisor pulled back the front corner of the blanket and we looked at this darling baby's face. the baby had a white headband on with a flower almost bigger than its own head! but it was darling. since the baby had been gone for 16 hours, i was expecting the face and coloring to look worse... but it looked really good, considering how much time had passed. the baby was full term...and my thought was... this baby should be alive. the baby looked like it should be breathing..but it wasnt. the baby should be moving and cooing and yawning and fidgeting...but it wasnt. i was so used to seeing babies in their newborn cradles in the hospital moving around and looking every which way and sucking on their binky and screaming their heads off....all i could think was, 'this baby should be moving'. but it wasnt. it was still...and it didn't feel like a baby. it felt like a body. waiting in this elevator with this sweet baby...made me feel like it wasnt a baby at all. it was sort of just an object...(and i do not say that out of heartlessness or coldness).....but it was so...so strange to me to feel that and conciously say that in my head...and i didn't realize until afterwards that of course it didn't feel like a baby. it was a baby...but that sweet spirit left the night before, shortly after it made its debut here on earth. that spirit was not present when i looked into that little babys face. it had left, and spiritually, i could feel it. i did not appreciate the tiny signs of life present in a newborn baby until i saw this particular baby. i now take note of every head turn, every blink, every breath that these tiny humans take, whenever i get the chance.
Another baby was born about a week after that one, that particularly pulled at my heart. this baby was only at 24 weeks gestation. anyone who is a mom or knows their baby stuff, knows that babies cannot survive outside of the womb that young. it is nearly impossible to keep a baby alive and healthy when it is not done growing. This baby decided to come suddenly, and the birth could not be stopped. the baby was breech and quickly pulled out, feet first. immediately rushed to the NICU, our team started working on the baby. Later that day...one of my supervisors pulled me aside to go see 'the 24 weeker'. i was shocked. i have never seen something that tiny, living and breathing. its skin was loose and wrinkled, it was bruised and red and spotted from the rough delivery and uncomplete gestation period. its hands and feet seemed much too big for its body, and the diaper placed on this baby was about the size of my abnormally small hand, and even it was too big. the ventilator the baby was on was shaking its entire body, which normally wouldnt affect a full term baby. this baby was on life support, occasionally moving on its own and breathing big puffs of air into its tiny little chest. it was so tiny, and new, and not right. this baby shouldn't be alive. it was too tiny to survive in this big world! i was in awe just watching it move. my supervisor told me the baby had severe complications and would most likely not live, but it had a few more days left of fight in it before we were able to assess the situation further and figure out how much brain damage was done (it was extensive, this child would most likely have little to no brain function at all). The family of the baby was very positive and we felt like they would eventually decide to take the baby off the ventilator and let nature take its course. I have not been back to the hospital since my last shift, and can only hope this baby is where it is supposed to be right at this very moment.
I have learned that things often dont always go like we plan... especially when God's hand plays a part and His agenda and will is much, much bigger than our own.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
A.D.I.D.A.B
all day i dream about.... babies.
i'm serious.
interning in the maternity/peds/nicu unit has left all my dreams to be about widdle newborns. (ok..well last week i had a dream that i was sara tancredi and some inmates were causing a riot in the labor and delivery and i had to take care of business..but none the less, it was a baby-ish dream.)
i love it there. the past month i have been able to get more comfortable with my surroundings and a few weeks ago i even started doing my own cases. a regular day for me looks like this:
1. Get to the office, ask if anything exciting has happened. Of course, it usually does either right before i get there or right after. blast. (I sort of feel bad because I feel like the surgeons on grey’s anatomy, how they are always stoked for a trauma. Makes me feel like I have no heart..but it really is exciting to be able to be a part of it. I still have a heart, okay?)
2. print off census of the moms in the unit and decide with my supervisor which ones need to be seen. Usually its moms under the age of 18, on financial assistance, or minority moms.
3. the next few hours i visit new moms. its the whole, sanitize your hands, do the 'doctor knock' on their door, say the whole, 'hi i'm nicole with social work department...' shpeel and pretend i know what i'm doing...(which i dont. i still get sweaty and nervous.) 1/3 of the moms are awkwardly breastfeeding when i come in and don't really open up to me and only give me 'yes and no's', which makes it kinda hard to get a feel for how we can help them if they don't open up to us...1/3 of the moms are wonderful and will talk my ear off and will be super easy to help...and 1/3 moms given to me are spanish speaking and i drag the interpreter along, which is a whole nother level of awkward. especially since the interpreter goes off on these long tangents and i can only imagine what he's saying..... (probably something along the lines of 'she's new, bless her heart’)
4. lunch...mckay dee has the HUGEST most delicious hospital food i've ever tasted in my life. om nom nom nom. i eat with the rest of the social workers/child life specialists and pretend i'm a regular...(when in reality i'm a 21 year old joe-shmo who still has her jr. high fear of eating alone in the cafeteria)
5. charting. it is a ridiculous part of medical business i'm not fond of. chart chart chart bla bla bla 3 different systems, printing out case orders, running around finding moms/babies hard copy charts...making copies, getting in the nurse’s way, faxing physician orders..bla bla bla. It takes up a good half of my day.
6. the occasional random/exciting case.
my random case i got to observe was last friday...tore my heart out basically. (i literally felt like i was in grey's anatomy or E.R. or some cool show like that). I was about to leave, and got told by my supervisor we had 'bad birth' just happen on the floor. The mother, who had had 3 previous C-sections decided that for her 4th one she wanted to deliver vaginally. Any moms who have had c-sections know that you just dont decide to change your routine after 3 times of successfully having c-sections…there are too many risks involved. One doctor said it was too dangerous, so she found another doctor who would let her try to deliver vaginally. (sorry i've said vaginally twice already). SO.....she went into labor and the baby was just not having it. The baby did not want to be delivered no matter how hard mom pushed...the baby was under a ton of stress, lost heart tones and oxygen, so they did an emergency c-section. they finally got the baby out, who had suffered brain damage and was whisked off to the NICU. Mom however, hemorrhaged and would not stop bleeding. Turns out she completely ruptured her uterus while trying to push, and was rushed to the O.R. When a mom's uterus ruptures, she basically has a 50% chance of not dying from blood loss. Not good. My supervisor explained to me something along the lines of mother's not having some enzyme while they are pregnant that helps the blood clot...so if they get in a situation like that, their brain just keeps telling their uterous to bleed...(that would make way more sense if i knew exactly what i was talking about..but you get the jist of it.) ANYWHO...i went to the NICU with my supervisor to see how the baby was doing, and they were in the process of putting a 'cool cap' on the little one. this is where they bring the baby's temp down drastically for 3 days by putting this alien looking hat on with tubes stickin out all over, to basically freeze the baby's brain cells to reduce possibility of brain damage. The baby seemed to be responding well, the husband of the mom, however, did not. He was in shock..completely looked like a deer in the headlights. His baby may not live, and his wife had even less of a chance. He stood completely still in the NICU, folding his arms across his chest with tears in his eyes- not moving a muscle. it really was an awful thing to see. Running around the rest of the day i had passed the patients family/friends in the waiting area, and they were all in tears. My next thought was, ‘I bet that’s the last time that mom will try to have a natural birth.'……….welp. to save her life they had to do an emergency hysterectomy.
I checked up on that case today and was told the mom had recently been discharged from the ICU and the baby was stable. Mom was going through a ton of guilt for not doing a c-section in the first place..and also dealing with the fact that she would never be able to have any of her own babies again. Can you imagine? Waking up from a whirlwind emergency delivery, only to find out your baby suffered brain damage and you no longer have a uterus!? I cannot. But….no matter the heartache of not being able to have anymore babies, its worth it. Because that little baby still has a mom, and that husband still has a wife.
My exciting case this week was on Thursday… i got to work on an adoption. I was only able to work with the adoptive parents because the birth mom had already left..but it still was an awesome experience. I was brought up to date about the situation in about one sentence: "birth mom has 3 kids of her own, is currently going through a divorce and the baby is not her husbands."
oh. gotchya. awkward.
it was really sweet to see how flustered the new parents were and how they were sick and tired of all the car seat checks, paper work, etc..because they just wanted to hold their little baby they had waited SO many years for. Watching them with this little newborn was really touching…I’m glad I got to be a part of it. They were so grateful that this mom had made the decision to give her little baby up. Their lives would never be the same, and they knew it, and were so ecstatic about it.
I <3 my job.
i'm serious.
i love it there. the past month i have been able to get more comfortable with my surroundings and a few weeks ago i even started doing my own cases. a regular day for me looks like this:
1. Get to the office, ask if anything exciting has happened. Of course, it usually does either right before i get there or right after. blast. (I sort of feel bad because I feel like the surgeons on grey’s anatomy, how they are always stoked for a trauma. Makes me feel like I have no heart..but it really is exciting to be able to be a part of it. I still have a heart, okay?)
2. print off census of the moms in the unit and decide with my supervisor which ones need to be seen. Usually its moms under the age of 18, on financial assistance, or minority moms.
3. the next few hours i visit new moms. its the whole, sanitize your hands, do the 'doctor knock' on their door, say the whole, 'hi i'm nicole with social work department...' shpeel and pretend i know what i'm doing...(which i dont. i still get sweaty and nervous.) 1/3 of the moms are awkwardly breastfeeding when i come in and don't really open up to me and only give me 'yes and no's', which makes it kinda hard to get a feel for how we can help them if they don't open up to us...1/3 of the moms are wonderful and will talk my ear off and will be super easy to help...and 1/3 moms given to me are spanish speaking and i drag the interpreter along, which is a whole nother level of awkward. especially since the interpreter goes off on these long tangents and i can only imagine what he's saying..... (probably something along the lines of 'she's new, bless her heart’)
4. lunch...mckay dee has the HUGEST most delicious hospital food i've ever tasted in my life. om nom nom nom. i eat with the rest of the social workers/child life specialists and pretend i'm a regular...(when in reality i'm a 21 year old joe-shmo who still has her jr. high fear of eating alone in the cafeteria)
5. charting. it is a ridiculous part of medical business i'm not fond of. chart chart chart bla bla bla 3 different systems, printing out case orders, running around finding moms/babies hard copy charts...making copies, getting in the nurse’s way, faxing physician orders..bla bla bla. It takes up a good half of my day.
6. the occasional random/exciting case.
my random case i got to observe was last friday...tore my heart out basically. (i literally felt like i was in grey's anatomy or E.R. or some cool show like that). I was about to leave, and got told by my supervisor we had 'bad birth' just happen on the floor. The mother, who had had 3 previous C-sections decided that for her 4th one she wanted to deliver vaginally. Any moms who have had c-sections know that you just dont decide to change your routine after 3 times of successfully having c-sections…there are too many risks involved. One doctor said it was too dangerous, so she found another doctor who would let her try to deliver vaginally. (sorry i've said vaginally twice already). SO.....she went into labor and the baby was just not having it. The baby did not want to be delivered no matter how hard mom pushed...the baby was under a ton of stress, lost heart tones and oxygen, so they did an emergency c-section. they finally got the baby out, who had suffered brain damage and was whisked off to the NICU. Mom however, hemorrhaged and would not stop bleeding. Turns out she completely ruptured her uterus while trying to push, and was rushed to the O.R. When a mom's uterus ruptures, she basically has a 50% chance of not dying from blood loss. Not good. My supervisor explained to me something along the lines of mother's not having some enzyme while they are pregnant that helps the blood clot...so if they get in a situation like that, their brain just keeps telling their uterous to bleed...(that would make way more sense if i knew exactly what i was talking about..but you get the jist of it.) ANYWHO...i went to the NICU with my supervisor to see how the baby was doing, and they were in the process of putting a 'cool cap' on the little one. this is where they bring the baby's temp down drastically for 3 days by putting this alien looking hat on with tubes stickin out all over, to basically freeze the baby's brain cells to reduce possibility of brain damage. The baby seemed to be responding well, the husband of the mom, however, did not. He was in shock..completely looked like a deer in the headlights. His baby may not live, and his wife had even less of a chance. He stood completely still in the NICU, folding his arms across his chest with tears in his eyes- not moving a muscle. it really was an awful thing to see. Running around the rest of the day i had passed the patients family/friends in the waiting area, and they were all in tears. My next thought was, ‘I bet that’s the last time that mom will try to have a natural birth.'……….welp. to save her life they had to do an emergency hysterectomy.
I checked up on that case today and was told the mom had recently been discharged from the ICU and the baby was stable. Mom was going through a ton of guilt for not doing a c-section in the first place..and also dealing with the fact that she would never be able to have any of her own babies again. Can you imagine? Waking up from a whirlwind emergency delivery, only to find out your baby suffered brain damage and you no longer have a uterus!? I cannot. But….no matter the heartache of not being able to have anymore babies, its worth it. Because that little baby still has a mom, and that husband still has a wife.
My exciting case this week was on Thursday… i got to work on an adoption. I was only able to work with the adoptive parents because the birth mom had already left..but it still was an awesome experience. I was brought up to date about the situation in about one sentence: "birth mom has 3 kids of her own, is currently going through a divorce and the baby is not her husbands."
oh. gotchya. awkward.
it was really sweet to see how flustered the new parents were and how they were sick and tired of all the car seat checks, paper work, etc..because they just wanted to hold their little baby they had waited SO many years for. Watching them with this little newborn was really touching…I’m glad I got to be a part of it. They were so grateful that this mom had made the decision to give her little baby up. Their lives would never be the same, and they knew it, and were so ecstatic about it.
I <3 my job.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)