Murder Mystery Party!

Do me and Shay plan the best Halloween parties ever?

YES.

Murder at the Juice Joint was def a success. AAAAAND probs party of the century. MTV shoulda covered this.

Mansion? Check.
35 guests? Check.
Smashing 1920's attire? Check.
Best night EVER? Check.
...picture overload? Check.

boys aren't men.

Okay.. this has been on my mind for quite a little while. (and no, this isnt about anyone specific)

Boys:

Please, please, please grow up and start being men.

Quit saving your money to buy that new video game poster.

..and please stop spening 1000 dollars on snowboard passes when you are trying to pay for college.

Please stop running around with your homies doing illegal things because YOLO.

Please please please please stop telling girls that you just wanna 'have fun' and 'date around' and that you arent 'ready for a commitment because you don't know what you want'. (RAGE)

Please stop leading us on and pretending you care just for your own enjoyment and to be a 'playa'.

 Please stop talking about your sweet ride and the rims you are about to purchase

... and your perfectly gelled hair.

Please give up that band that is getting nowhere because you live in UTAH.

Please stop with the name brands and all those stupid rvca and volcom shirts

and PLEASE for the love of pete, stop talking about how much iron you pumped at the gym yesterday. i dont care if you can bench press me! as long as i weigh less than you, we're cool.

But guess what? It doesnt matter. AT ALL. Not now and not ever.


A girl cares about some things in a MAN:

ambition.
drive.
work ethic.
spirit.
selflessness.
personality.
politeness.
character.
values.
..and being a GROWN UP.


....not those silly things i listed at the beginning.


I'd like for a man to open my car door for me, focus on the important things in life, actually want a family someday and pull his head out of his butt before he is 47 and sitting on his mothers couch eating cheetos.

ya know.. it'd be a plus if the man i end up with looks exactly like Ryan Gosling..but if not, I will be so completely happy with my MAN and not a boy that i wish were a man. does that make sense?


and mind you, i am working to become a woman..not a silly little girl.
(sorry that this was a rant from a silly girl...obv i have some work to do..)
but FREAK i'd just like to pass a man on the street someday.. have him be polite and kind and gentle but strong and say....hmm. now thats a man.

abracadabra, get into my life.

k bye.

The Last

Today a boy i havent talked to in 5 years showed me this youtube. he said it reminded him of me...i dont know if thats because i'm a nosy girl..or what. but me and him were never in love, so its kinda weird that he sent me this. but.. watch it.  try to ignore the couple cheesy parts and the fact that the main character is mike chang...mmk?


sooo anyway. member how i hate love and never wanna be in a relatinoship and dont believe in that bull at all? remember how i get super hurt and bitter over bad relationships? remember how i said i never wanna get married? we'll i'm still 7/10 of those feelings. but the 3/10s of the feelings that have a teensy weensy bit of hope that someday i'll find a LAST... just tried to burst outta my heart and explode through my tear ducts when i watched this. (dont mind that i have pms and cried last night in my bed because it was raining outside)

i just......... ok. once a girl liked a boy. and she told him. and he was like cool. and did nothing. and girl was like, wtf bro i went out on a limb. and hes all sorry im not brave and can't climb that tree. and im like what the heck you are a little boy... and im like.. i never go out on limbs bro!!!! this is mean. (but its not like this was me or anything.. :/ )

...i never go out on limbs. but every now and then i meet someone, and in the back of my head its like...what has come over me..you are cute.. i like you..what if there is the SMALLEST chance that this is the LAST? that 3/10ths of my gets the best of my tiny locked up unpredictable stupid PMS emotional heart just like that DURN t-swift album. i just.. i dont do crushes. i do stupid committment....and i try to avoid drama because heaven knows ive created and experienced enough of it. ive wanted to lock up my feelings the past year and be happy..and i really am. (minus this week). i really am FINE not being with someone and living the single life and finally living for me...but i also realized something. i am a better person when i care for someone. anyway. so my girly emotions get ahold of me...

and then i cry and get discouraged and wanna run away because that has been my stupid defense mechanism for the past couple years. maybe the 3/10s is just coming out because it is fall time and its about to get snowmantical and a boy hasnt called me beautiful in almost a year. maybe it caught me off guard and i ran away with an immature thought.

but anyways...this youtube.. you know the WHY girl in this video? it got me a thinkin.
i may be bitter and negative and stupid sometimes..and totes be a hater...but i dont wanna die without loving. without REALLY loving and being loved. i just dont. that..is the most miserable thought in the entire world... to never experience what everyone talks about and dreams about and hopes for.

i just.. wish someone could meet me halfway on a limb someday when i am ready and they are ready... BEFORE i fall off and break my neck and never experience great love...mmk?

mike chang...be my last..ok?

i'mmmm BACK- catch up

I have been ridiculously absent from you, ya silly little readers. NOT that i have an exciting life, because I dont. lately i've been watching tons of sitcoms and downing nutella like it aint no thing. I had to quit my jobby with my triple toddlers..and i miss them so much it hurts. i seriously never thought i'd love little baby boys, but i do. so much that i'm scared i wont love my own kids as much as i love my trippies! okay i know i will, but loving THEM as much as i do, i cant imagine how much love my heart is gonna hold for my own babes someday.

anyways, not having a job and being uncertain about my future plans for the next few months is driving me BONKERS. i'm desperate to do crafts, read books, sew, and anything else that will keep my brain busy. I miss school so much i feel like a FOOL! i miss having a social life...yaknowwhaddimean? for the first time in 18 years im not attending school in the fall! it BLOWS. im so used to college and after a stressful day on campus, walking home and putting cider on the stove. now i stay in my pjs all day and try to find out what im doing with my life. FRICK GUYS. oh and i watch bob ross and paint for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. but i applied for my social work license today. cant freaking wait to start helping people and get meaning back into my life. it will probs be a low-key job for my first carreer...but its a carreer....right?

lately i've had more drama in my life than in all 3 years of junior high combined. (OKAY THATS A LIE....maybe 1 semester of 8th grade.. LOLZ). It sucks to not be able to write out what exactly has been going on here on my blog, because this is my outlet. but I really don't feel safe doing it...and its pretty pathetic the people who have made my life bonkers. i'm SURE you can guess a certain man that has been making my life hell and has been the past 2 & 1/2 years. seriously. its immature to call that person out on here, but stop the stalking, bro!!!! i'll taze you. aint nobody got time to avoid you for yearzzz.


also applied to grad school. my app sucked but my essays were off the chizzain....my general grades werent so hot...so im just prayin whatever is supposed to happen will.

also.. i went to a midwife class. im never having my baby at home, but at least i know how to birth a baby if ever the midwife gets stuck in a storm and cant deliver the baby. ps... placenta is amazing and FRICKING DISGUSTING

also, go see pitch perfect. you'll lol your butt off.


anyway.. heres a meme. BYE

Fall Photo Shooooooot!

I love fall.

And i love their love.

forgiveness & pride

I've been thinking lately about forgiveness. People usually forgive people... they know how. They have forgiven others for the UNTHINKABLE... People have forgiven others for taking away their loved ones life. People have forgiven others for purposely RUINING their lives! So why can't I forgive the people who only purposefully tried to hurt me? Threatened me? Manipulated me? Emotionally messed me up for YEARS and sent me straight into therapy? I dont trust trust people now. I have a serious fear of abandonment and it ruins some of my relationships. I know feeling these things are my choice..but this person kickstarted it. Maybe thats just an excuse.. I don't know.

I can forgive someone I love for telling me I'm not good enough for them..But I can't forgive someone I dont love for all the pain they purposely put me through to tear me down and have control over me. Why? Am I prideful? Am I just a bad person who is full of stubbornness?

I've always felt like in my heart, I'm a forgiving person. I always liked to believe that about myself I guess. I say I forgive them, but I guess I haven't gotten there yet no matter how much I want to. I feel their apologies fake and their threats to emitionally and physically hurt me can NOT be taken back. I'm so mad because when I'm in contact with them, all they do is apologize and I'm angry that both good and bad feelings are surfacing for this person because they are apologizing. How messed up is that? It confuses me and makes me so mad at myself and at them! And I never get angry. If ever I'm angry, it turns to sadness and I literally weep my heart out...like a child. I feel like good feelings are worse than bad feelings for those who've hurt me. And I know that's wrong.. But in this situation.. I know it's the only way to protect me. it makes me worried I'm not over the situation if I haven't forgiven them.. And that makes me sick. Does that make sense??

I feel like I'm a traitor to my heart if I talk to this person and even allow them in my thoughts! I have conditioned my mind so much to stay away. But how can I forgive someone, if I feel like I'm being a traitor to my own heart? Does that make me an awful, terrible person?


Do I not know how to forgive? Christ forgives me everyday for not being who I promise to be,  not measuring up to who I want to be, and forgives me for making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. He forgives me with mercy when I plead on my knees for not being who he knows i can be.

I'm scared of having kind thoughts towards someone awful and forgiving them naively just to let them possibly tear me down with their words. Defense mechanism? I dont know. Are their apologies sincere? Would they still do this again over and over to me because that is just in their character to hurt people? Yes.  I know I'm rambling...I just know I need to forgive this person, but I know being in contact with them is so incredibly toxic and makes me absolutely hate myself. It makes me miserable, actually. I feel tortured inside because I want to move on with a peaceful conscience knowing I am able to forgive.

How do I forgive someone who i let nearly destroyed me? I guess i will stay away, but forgive slowly and forget slowly.

SOS for heavenly guidance to help my prideful heart.

what made my day

1. You know that side blog i have..the one where i jot down my rude mental letters to people? i'm just so happy that this  happened...does that make me a sick person? Literally, i can't stop laughing for some reason.

2. I got food poisoning and lost 4 pounds. aside from wanting to die from uncontrollable puking...im sort of REALLY stoked that i'll be able to fit into my pants now sans muffin-top. skinny jeans here i come! *success*

3. The mountains are EXPLODING with fall color! the colors are full of serotonin i think. reds and yellows and oranges and beautimous beautimous smells of autumnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! (Leisel shouts of joy)

4. and on a different note, here are 3 memes to make you lol.

Doulas, births, babies, moms and MEEEE

I recently took a doula training course by the international Doula association.
WTF is a doula? and why does it have such a funny name?


A doula is a trained labor support person. They are there to coach the mom through breathing techniques, help the mother with pain relieving positions, act as a buffer between mom and nurses/doctors...encourage mom and partner through the birth...massage and comfort mom...inform mom about the body's birthing process..educating mom about her choices, rights, effect of medicines and interventions...make sure moms birth plan is being carried through, and most of all, caring for the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of a laboring woman. Doulas can be used for medical assisted births (hospital or epidural) or home births. Overall, they are there to mother the mother.

so BASICALLY, they pamper the heck out of your pregnant, laboring, and sometimes cranky ay-ess-ess. And we LOVE it!
(and i have no idea why the name is so funny sounding. i think its greek. doula doula doula)

I used to think doulas were for hippies. which, they kinda sound like they are in a way. But they also are there for support. They are there to help. A woman's body is made for carrying a child for 9 months and giving labor. and sometimes they NEED comfort from someone who can help guide them through this.

Was i one of the only ones in my class who believed in hospitals and doctors and epidurals? you bet your butt. Which is FINE. But i also believe a woman should be able to choose what makes her most comfortable for laboring..and that may be laboring at home or in a birth center..no matter what i believe. Whatever works for YOU, works for a doula.

I dont plan on being some weird lady who dances around pregnant ladies and making them do 'hee hee hoo' breathing their whole birth for heavens sake. I just want to be part of the experience and making sure they feel loved and supported in such an important time in their life. I dont take the place of the husband or partner or support person at all. I help THEM help MOM.



I'm really excited for this and can't wait to start being a doula for family and friends. I'm not charging anything as i start out and dont know if i ever will. I love babies, and pregnancy, and birth. I just really wanna be THERE for women if they are scared, have anxiety about pain, and just need someone to hold their hand.


SO.... that being said. If you or anyone you know would like to get more info about this or would like ME or OTHER doulas in your area to talk to if your eggo is preggo, please let me know! Comment below with your e-mail address and I will totes give you referrals or more information about it.


KTHXBAI!

Tennessee

Christys pops flew me across the country to spend time with his darling daughter/drive 29 hours home with her to Utah.

Things i learned from the south:
Accept kindness. They are genuine, not creepy.
Rides in off roading vehicles are funner when you put your arms up and make cartoon noises
People are serious there about their mini golfing...and go karts?
Smoky mountains are BEAUTY!
Midnight lumberjacking competitions are real life.
Ziplining is 1/5 scary and 4/5 fun.
Screaming at random intervals during a roadtrip is funny/scary
Nashville is ADORBZ.
Kansas sucks
Beyonce rocks.


Sooo....this happened. And it was totes fun. kthxbai

 

Dear Husband,

I found this song this weekend.. 

And it reminds me of you. 

Please come find me soon, k?

Love,

Your wife