quote of the day

This is our normal dinner conversation:




michelle: mom, wouldn't nicole be a good jail social worker?

nicole: i wanted to be, but then dad said i'd get shot. but i think it'd be fun.

mom: um NO. they would throw their poop at you. im not kidding. IM NOT KIDDING!

dad: they would.

mom: ...thats why i'd commit suicide before i ever went to jail.

Lunch Lady LUZ

Once upon an elementary school, there was a lunch lady. Named Luz.

Not pronnounced "Luce" or "Luhz"
....prounounced.... LOOHZ.

Luz was from...i dont even know what country. Turkey? Trinidad? Somewhere in the baltics? IDK.
anyways...all the kids were a yiiiiiiddle bit afraid of her, because she had a VERY thick accent and was always frazzled and frustrated when she had to deal with children. she was nice if you were one of the first 10 kids to pay in the lunchline, because it was....only 10 kids. but i was usually in one of the bad classes with the 'bad' kids, so we always got to lunch later than the rest of the classes. we waited in the hot sun, were STARVING, loud and wrestless......so....150 kids later, i usually got my hot lunch....from Luz...the pissed-off-english-as-a-second-language-lunch-lady.

My elementary was known for having the most AWFUL hotdogs (pink and green hotdogs that bounced when you dropped them...) and we were also known for the best D-A-M-N curly fries this side of the mississippi. they were perfect curly fries. long and soggy and seasoned to boot. ANYWAY.

So, I would get meany-pants LUZ when she was sweaty, pissed, frazzled, stressed, and so annoyed with the children that she didnt even try to speak english, she basically just yelled at you:
"AHYYEHHUOUOUYYEAHHAHOUOOBONONOKJHYIOOUUWWHEO!!!!"
this was after i had handed her my handful of sweaty change from my swishy pants that probably consisted of dimes and nickels. Sure she didnt like counting the change...but shes a lunch lady, what should she expect!? i always had to hold my breath nervously whenever i got hot lunch...because sometimes Luz would 'count wrong' and look up at you and started jibberishing at you again.
Cheeks hot.
Palms sweaty.
Shove hands in swishy pants pockets.
Nervous glance upwards through my bangs.

Luz: You No HAVA!!!!! Bruntomukkay?
me: *shyly* umm huh?
Luz: Bruntomu nohaveh tensentsa!!! ukkay!
me: .............what did you say?
Luz: BRUNTOMU TENSENTSA UKAY? UKKAYGOH!

and then she would shoo me off to pick up my flimsy white tray holding tots, fries and cold green beans. How was i to know i was 10 cents short? I HAD HOLES IN MY POCKETS SOMETIMES OKAY!?

Good memories in that cafeteria i tell you. Finding out my elementary crush actually liked me back..... trading my fig newtons for some pudding or gushers.....leaving class early and walking my kindergarten buddies to get free lunch..(and trying to get them to teach me arabic)...and the best, was Sarah S.  One time in the cafeteria, i remember telling Sarah S. that the red jello served by Luz was actually sheep guts. She believed me and threw away her lunch.

Anyway.
So..everyone knew the lunch food AND the lunch lady were sketchy..................................So what did i do as class representative in the school student council?

....Wrote a school newspaper article about the *mystery meat* us children were being served in the cafeteria. I think the title of the article was actually called, *Mystery Meat in the Cafeteria*. I was so clever and original. and PUBLISHED. i was published. WIN.

i remember going in during student council time with a friend and telling Luz we needed to examine the meat. I dont remember the conversation, but i imagine it went something like this:

Me: I need to examine the meat for the school newspaper
Luz: hjfkdshfjkdshfkdjslafhuniwrhuialnmc
Me:.......
Luz: FHDJSAKFHDKLAFKJAHF!!!!!!!!!
Me: .....meat.
Luz: HEEYA *throws down frozen chicken patties infront of me and my 'assistant'.*

We tore into the meat and find green tinted coloring (real) and suspicious black 'dots' (fake on the suspicious part)...........i published in the paper that it was probably mold...but im pretty sure it was just pepper.

Moral of the story: Luz was crazy and fed us poison. And she had a poisonous attitude towards children.

The end.

Quote of the day

Me: I'm PATHETIC!!!! I'm a college grad and live with my parents!
Mom: Hey, you chose this
Me: *silence*
Mom: ...............and your parents are awesome.

and

Mom: stop putting yourself on the clearance rack at k-mart. Your future husband does not shop there. You belong at Nordstroms, and you are not on sale!



Thanks mom.<3 br="br">

things i'll never say

avril lavigne eighth grade punk rock ballad..haha...im sure i cried my eyes out to that song many nights of my KJH days. (I actually remember blasting it from my boom box as well while i would cake on the eye liner in the morning...)

but im serious. i'd like to say these things i'll never say...in hopes i'll stop thinking about them. its not because i'm prideful, or too stubborn to call up these people..... some things just cant be said. And lets be real, some of these things are WAY too mean to say to people! lulzzzzzz.

therapy via world wide interwebz:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J


Dear A,
I unfollowed you on social media because i was jealous of your fabulous life.
fab life, fab husband, fab house.
sorry.

Dear B,
Sometimes I think of you and how you are choosing to have a sucky life. I know its really hard and stuff...but i also know what an idiot you are. Abusing substances will only get you so far. I'm afraid someday I'm gonna get a phonecall telling me they found your body somewhere....and that makes me so nervous and sad :/
Quit being stupid and throwing away your brain. and your life.


Dear C,
I'm offended you hate me. It hurts my feelings a little.
I was a good friend to you...and I wish you would have appreciated and realized that back then.
I miss you. Still think you are totes beautiful.
but if i ever ran into you, i would immediately run the other way.
And....i still think its funny you can't spell.


Dear D,
I'm still mad at you. and really hurt by you.
I'm mad you dont care. I'm mad that i care.
you are not who people think you are. you are scared of life and kind of a baby.
im glad we ended when we did.
...im also embarrassed i still let you affect me.
I wish i never ever ever ever met you.
and i think its SO stupid you date sluts...because i am fabulous. and funny.
bye.


Dear E,
Does getting married really make you gain 75 pounds?
Just curious.
cuz....I better prepare myself if thats true. :/


Dear F,
You are still in my thoughts, occasionally.
You dont deserve an occasional thought, to be honest.
Stop being psycho.
I wish you hadn't taken up so many years of my life.
I also wish i could use every cuss word imaginable on you. Any respectable person would.
If i ever run into you, i will swiftly kick you in the crotch and run away.
You have been warned.



Dear G,
Thanks for dumping me.
I've lost 15 pounds thanks to you.



Dear H,
Sorry you got partnered with me that one time in class...but contrary to popular belief and your rude opinion, I'm not a lazy student. You are just mad I graduated college in 4 years and am good at passing tests.
Unlike yourself.
Suck on that.


Dear I,
........................you married my dreamboat ex boyfriend i always held out hope for.
Curse you.
Guess what though.....I think you are so so so pretty!!!
And because of that, I hope you get a double chin someday.
Sorry but i do.
See ya never.

Dear J,
Usually in public, people wear CLOTHES.
Just in case you accidentally thought that shirt was a dress.
BYE

run-ins.

ive been wanting to write this post for a while.
and its funny...because i wanted to write it but waited, and then i had my own run in with my past that left me nervous and unsure. but lets not talk about that.


i talked to one of my best friends the other day who had a 'run-in' with her ex. this ex la la la la la LOVED her unconditionally..the kind of love where nothing you say or do or feel can ever be wrong, and will never take away from the love they have for you. It was the type of love that isnt the movie kind of love, because lets be real... thats not real. it was the kind where it is absolutely pure, unconditional, caring deep love....but guess what? something just wasnt right for her.  they were going to get married and everything...but it just didnt feel like it should feel. he loved her with his whole heart for YEARS, even when she didnt know it. and she loved him back, but not the same way. she knew it wasn't going to work. was she scared she was never going to find someone else to love? yes. was she scared she was never going to find someone else who would love her absolutely unconditionally and wholly? yes. did that make her give in to something that didn't feel right? no.

so...they broke up after a long time of being together.   the last time they talked, was the actual day they broke up....and didn't talk for months and months. and then guess what? they ran into eachother at school. they knew it was gonna happen sooner or later....just didn't know it would actually be real life to see each other again, ya know?

they acted like.. 'whats uppppppp!'
talked about work...
talked about school.
sarcastically made fun of how the other person looked, like good friends would joke around.
and then it was like 'well..i'm late for work, see ya.'

no lingering eyes.
no smiles you cant contain.
no butterflies or fast heartbeats or sweaty palms.
no '....its SO good to see you........' heartfelt comments.
no lovey-dovey tension between the two of them.
no aching to hold them one more time.
and guess what? no obsessively thinking about it for days on end.
it was just a run-in for them.

and it made me think..how strange things are and how much life can take turns and twists you absolutely never in a MILLION years thought they would.

these two never thought they would casually run into eachother on campus one day, and then go back to work and class the same day and go on living their lives. they never planned that they would say 'whats up!' to each other and then have other engagements they needed to attend to. they never planned they would pass eachother and stop for 5 minutes to catch up on their lives.

they planned to be together, and live life together, and love each other for good. they planned to be in each other's lives for the rest of all time. they planned to have a family, and commit to each other and ALWAYS be the other half of that person.
and it didnt happen.

they will never hold hands again.
or hug each other everyday. and cry together and laugh together.
they are strangers now. and its fine.

its just so crazy to me to think that two people who have been so in love, can be strangers one day...and go on living their lives....and its okay. time passes, and in 6 months everything is so much different than you had planned.... and it happens every single day. people fall in love, and they fall out of it, and life goes on. and then its weird for me to think...that every boy that i have loved has become a stranger to me. and people you thought would be there for always....arent.

i dont quite know what i wanted to figure out by writing this post....but i guess i just realized its weird to me how life has a way of working out, and people have a way of coming and going.

but thats life. it goes on, right?

lulzzzzzzzzzz

what i've been up to

i went to LA to visit a friend... a bestest friend i've had since we were..oh... zero years old. forreal. it was SO good to see her and her cute family. we crafted, played, swam, beached, and played some more.

then i went to st G and it was the besssssssssst group vacay i've had in a long time! we swam, caved, napped, swam, boated, swam, and watched the orympics all weekend.

up next: zions/st G again..flaming gorge with the fam...tennessee with christy...then california for baby petty's first baby shower!.

WOOP.

Peach.

And this goes out to the sweet girl who has hated me since highschool, and keeps telling people...5 years later... that i am 'evil'.

love you! ♥

this guy... is THIS GUY!?

okay.  when i realized these...they blew..my..mind. why had i never realized it before?
maybe i'm just stupid.



Ceasar Flickerman from the Hungry Games...



is...



THE SERIAL RAPIST FROM THE LOVELY BONES!!!!




Commisoner Gordon from Batman..




is..




SIRIUS FREAKIN BLACK






The guy from the Bourne Identity....



is...





UNCLE GARY FROM THE RINGER!!!





Lucious Malfoy from 'Arry Pottah...





is..




the cross dresser from Sweet November. :/




whhhhheird. real wheiiiirrd.

What if what?

"What if what? What if he were a different person? God knows what he's doing, trust me.

The only way to be happy in life is to accept that there are really hard parts. And I know that they are hard…sometimes unbearable.

I think you learned a lot of valuable things from your experience. I think it was excruciating for you at times, and I wouldn't wish that upon you again. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I also would never want to take away from you what you learned from it. But your husband isn't going to be perfect to you either…and you won't be perfect to him..but if you value each other enough to keep trying, THAT is what makes a perfect relationship.

You are angry and bitter now and that is a natural reaction…I don't blame you for feeling that way at all. This is the part of life that is hard- having those feelings. But I'll warn you... holding those hateful feelings for too long will end up hurting you in the long run. It’s human nature to feel angry, hateful feelings toward people who have hurt you. It is adaptive. It keeps us from associating with those people over and over again…but the Lord is the only one who can help us get over those hateful feelings. I think it's normal to be mad and wish someone harm when they have harmed you, but that doesn't mean it’s the best way to cope with a situation. "Let the past make you better, not bitter".

It’s so hard, but it does get better. I also like to think that the depth of my pain actually enlarged my capacity to feel joy…because now I have a comparison point. I think you have the capacity to feel joy beyond most people, because you have suffered, and I think God takes that into account. God  hasn't forgotten about you. You aren't having these experiences for nothing. Life is hard and there are no guarantees, but that's the deal we agreed to.

Honestly, I’m just grateful for the chance to try. And even though I've seen a pretty hefty amount of sorrow for one person, due to circumstance and genetics, I know that I am far better off and have experienced blessings some people will never get to…like people who are born into third world countries..and people who are abused as children or as adults or people without a sound mind, who can't take care of themselves. I just want you to know that I am happy even though you and I have been in similar situations. I want you to know that it's possible to be happy despite our experiences. Honestly, I am happier with my life right now than I have ever been. Everything is falling into place! I get teary eyed all the time because I don't know how I have been so fortunate.

But it was a really long process…and I was mentally ill and physically ill for a really long time. and I’ve been disappointed and had my heart broken and been so discouraged. I thought I would never be able to be healthy again…and I thought I would never be able to be happy. I just kept going. Honestly, I had no hope. but I think I needed to learn to keep going.

I know it’s not fun….but you know what happened when I kept going? I was soooooooo soooooooo angry and I didn't understand why I couldn't get better but I decided if I couldn't get better, I would at least do everything in my power to live a better life. I decided I could either be miserable and not do anything or I could live a miserable life while being productive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be righteous and serve God and achieve what I needed to in order to make a difference in the world. I wanted to be a contributing member of society whether I was happy or miserable. I wanted to be able to say that I had honestly given every ounce of my strength trying to do the right thing, regardless of my emotional state. I had accepted that I was going to feel sadness for the rest of my life and I could either be bitter about it, or go on living. And I chose to go on living. To quote Suzanne Collins in a non-ridiculous way...."it really is not a mistake to go on living."

That line in the book changed my attitude. Regardless of how bad it gets, it's not a mistake to go on living. I think God would agree with that too. I don't know how I got off on this tangent, I guess I just want you to know that it gets better.

I don't know what the Lord wants you to learn…so ask him. I did. He's not going to hold it back if you earnestly want to know what you should do…or if you have the desire to learn from life rather that just suffer through it. I don't want you to think I’m judging you for being bitter or sad..I’m not.  But I finally understand that suffering is a part of life. Life is both a test and a preparation. You're being prepared for something! I know it's really, really hard…but you can either be miserable and unproductive and just wallow in your misery like I did for a while…or you can make the conscious decision to go on living.

Listen..... anyone can get married. What you want is to marry the right person and on heavenly father's time frame…that's the thing about life... sometimes you have to experience the crappiness to truly understand the depth of how bad it could have been…or to understand that you're lucky it didn't turn out like you planned. I promise you that things will turn out for the absolute best, but only if you decide to go on living."

3rd grade journal

I found my Hello Kitty diary.
yes...my very first one. i think i started it when i was 6...can 6 year olds even write? i dont know. I think i was 7/8/9 for most of these entries. and I really do remember sitting on my bunk bed writing them. (especially the novel about my elementary love, Drew*. it took me like, 2 hours to write that thing.)
*name has been changed just in case he EVER sees this, HEAVEN FORBID.

the entries progressively get more embarrassing.
but come fourth grade, i get pretty ridiculous. and way too boy crazy. which is funny, because i was NOT cute. i was a chubby awkward kid.
i'm including a photo for your reading pleasure:

i made sure to make it a full length body shot, so you could get the entire vibe of my awkwardness....including my swishy pants and black anklet.
enjoy.
(i even threw in the letter to Drew that i wrote '20 years from now'. omg kill me.)



I have the nicest family in the univers.
love, nicole

..

Dear Diary,
I'm gonna draw
(insert picture of christmas tree here)

..

Dear Diary,
ahhhhhh. My private stash is SHHHHH!
in my pic book.
Love,
Nicole
actually its not.

(im so clever, even tricking my diary)
..

My Dear Diary
I have told you many things. Don't tell a word. If you do....well you can't  huh!

..

Dear Diary,
In my stash secret, you would hear everything.
Love,
Nicole

(WTF was i talking about? stash secret?)
..

Dear Diary,
I met a boy named Julius. Hes sweet like every other guy in this world. Hailey asked me if i liked him and of coarse i said 'no, we're just friends'. Like i havent heard that line in my life before!!

(who is this kid writing this stuff!?!?)
..

Dear Diary,
.
.
.
.
.
bye

..

Dear Diary,
It was May 5, my day to lead the line. school quickly ended and i went to play practice Belle and the Beast were talking and told him she had to leave through half of the practice. well im her understudy. any guess who the beast is. DREW! at the end of the play I had to tell him i love him or like him, i dont know which one. we had to dance together and when the director was talking we were about to start and were in dacing position. we waited for a minute and dropped position. then we started and i was looking at my shoes and he was looking at the wall. i had my hand on his shoulder and he had his hand on my side. our other hand were holding hands and dancing. i loved every minute of it. i really do like him. My friends were laughing at me cause at the end i was supposed to say, "i love you!!" in the script it says "i like you" so. i really do. well im going to church and going to see him there. we both still like eachother i think.

..

Dear Diary,
there is an annoying boy named Frank. He is so stupid. G2G. Ps I asked Logan out. He said no.

(dont worry guys. come 10th grade when i went back to visit, me and Logan kissed. elementary dream completed. REDEMPTION.)
..

Dont you hate it when guys do something really... you know!!! Well, i have to go carve a punkin. i still dont know if i am madly in BFGF with him anymore. well G2G bye, nicole

..

a note 20 years from now.
Dear Drew,
Hows life? How is your business going? My dream came true. I am a marine Bioligest. Well half. My other part is marrying you. WB
Nicole.



I'm embarrassed for my children. I feel so bad that they get my genes.

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