corbin and blakey's hearts.

*note. i'm only writing this because this is a private blog, people. very very private.

but..
sometimes...i just want to squeeze and hug corbin and let him cry to me. because he always talks about his mom. blakey doesnt talk about her much.. but i'll get to that later.

i dont know if i've said this, but their mom passed away in august. i remember livvy calling me and telling me, (this was when she was their nanny..and she ADORES them)..and i didnt even know the  boys then and i cried. the mom and dad had divorced in march after a long rocky history together..so it was hard enough to be dealing with that.

the first time they talked about their moms death, they told me about the day their dad drove them to a 'peaceful and quiet park' and sat on the bench with the boys. it was a sunday morning, and when they heard the news, they were really surprised...they had no idea how that could happen. corbin told me that he didn't understand, and thought that she just was going to be asleep for a long time. and then they cried together. they told me though that they know she is in a better place and that it was a blessing because she wasnt 'sick' anymore and they know she is watching over them. in corbins words, 'she could even be sitting by me right now! hi mom!' he giggled and waved to the open space next to him. i can't imagine what i would feel if i lost my mom at the age of 8. it would change the entire course of my life.
:(

anywho..lately me and corb have been playing this 'endless ocean' diving game on the wii where you go hunting for sunken treasure...and. we are obsessed. its super addicting even though he never lets me play. the  other day we were talking in the kitchen about the gold he found on the game..and then said, "wanna see some real treasure? i have some you know." he ran up stairs and came down with a green, treasure-chest looking butterfly box. he opened it up and he started to show me tangles of gold necklaces and scattered 5 or 6 rings on the counter.

"are these your moms?"
"yeah, i have all of her jewelry."
he then pulled out a "secret" santa clause decoartion from the big treasure box that opened at santas waist.....and inside of it he had all her gold necklaces.
for the next 50 minutes, (i timed myself)...i untangled a big mess of gold chains mixed with different  beaded necklaces. (he thought i was amazing when i finally got them all undone.) and then corbin told me what every single ring of hers meant.

"this.. was my moms engagement ring i think. i think my dad proposed with this one when they were young. is this real gold?"
he also held up a ring that had 3 interlocking rings that formed into one bigger ring...(do you know the kind i'm talking about?)
"this was her wedding ring. she got it later i think. it means its for me, blake, and dad."
"and this was a fake ring she got for fun with her friends. these diamonds are huge.. are they real? that would be cool if they were. (funny giggle)"
"i got her these earrings. they were my favorite and she wore them a lot. i got them for her for christmas... are these ones real gold?"

he made me place all the necklaces back in their proper place before he shut it.
even though he was concerned about the value of the gold... i knew he loved looking through his moms stuff. it broke my little heart.

later on when i was driving him to tumbling...we passed the presbyterian church we always pass. he had never mentioned anything about it before that day. (this was before he told me a few days ago, "um, nicole, i don't want to go to tumbling today, because i'm QUITTING." so... we no longer go.)

"my mom went to that church you know."
"really? i thought she was mormon?"
"no she was. but she went there for drugs."
"oh.. like a group to help her?"
"yeah, every week. and they made everyone give them all their medicine in their purses and stuff."
"thats good though. did they help her through it?"
"yeah. the medicine just made her always tired and stuff."
"do you miss her a lot corb?"
"yeah. its especially hard at school. sometimes i forget..like if everyone is talking about their moms. i'll be about to say something about mine but then i remember. and i don't say anything"

everyday he talks about her..but some days are harder than others.
blake gets really offended if he is in the room when corbin tells me these things about her and the things she struggled with before she passed. he turns red and raises his voice and says, "CORBIN. no she didn't!!! mom did NOT do those things! Dont lie!!! Nicole, she didnt. he's lying!!!!!"
Corbin always comes back with, "Yes she did blake. You know she did."

but the hardest thing i've heard from either of them about their mom, was on thursday. me and blake were downstairs watching tv...and we started talking about neighbors somehow.
"well, before my mom died, she told me umm....this thing, and she said she was going to tell me when she was older.. but she didnt. but....." he then told me about a horrifying experience his mom had, and skewed the awful words involved in her experience because he didn't even know what they really meant or how to say them. (what happened to her were things i learned about the previous day in my child welfare class, so it hit me super hard after hearing grusome stories about cases like these.)

"oh my gosh. blakey... thats awful. this was when she was your age?"
"no she was really little. like 6 years old."
"did she tell her parents?"
"no..and even if she did they wouldn't care, they were friends the neighbor. and they always sent her outside to play and wouldnt let her in. they just, didn't care."
"thats so awful. thats why you have to be so so careful blake. even people you don't think are bad can turn out to be bad. even really nice people."
"i know, my mom warned us A LOT. like..always to be careful."

i just love them. anyone who knows them love them, and they are the best in the world. his dad is getting married this summer to someone wonderful who has 2 boys as well. she is great to them and is going to be such a wonderful influence in their life.

this video describes their personalities perfectly:

ah. my boys. i hope my kids are as great and as funny as them.