Tuesday, October 23, 2012

The Last

Today a boy i havent talked to in 5 years showed me this youtube. he said it reminded him of me...i dont know if thats because i'm a nosy girl..or what. but me and him were never in love, so its kinda weird that he sent me this. but.. watch it.  try to ignore the couple cheesy parts and the fact that the main character is mike chang...mmk?

sooo anyway. member how i hate love and never wanna be in a relatinoship and dont believe in that bull at all? remember how i get super hurt and bitter over bad relationships? remember how i said i never wanna get married? we'll i'm still 7/10 of those feelings. but the 3/10s of the feelings that have a teensy weensy bit of hope that someday i'll find a LAST... just tried to burst outta my heart and explode through my tear ducts when i watched this. (dont mind that i have pms and cried last night in my bed because it was raining outside)

i just......... ok. once a girl liked a boy. and she told him. and he was like cool. and did nothing. and girl was like, wtf bro i went out on a limb. and hes all sorry im not brave and can't climb that tree. and im like what the heck you are a little boy... and im like.. i never go out on limbs bro!!!! this is mean. (but its not like this was me or anything.. :/ )

...i never go out on limbs. but every now and then i meet someone, and in the back of my head its like...what has come over me..you are cute.. i like you..what if there is the SMALLEST chance that this is the LAST? that 3/10ths of my gets the best of my tiny locked up unpredictable stupid PMS emotional heart just like that DURN t-swift album. i just.. i dont do crushes. i do stupid committment....and i try to avoid drama because heaven knows ive created and experienced enough of it. ive wanted to lock up my feelings the past year and be happy..and i really am. (minus this week). i really am FINE not being with someone and living the single life and finally living for me...but i also realized something. i am a better person when i care for someone. anyway. so my girly emotions get ahold of me...

and then i cry and get discouraged and wanna run away because that has been my stupid defense mechanism for the past couple years. maybe the 3/10s is just coming out because it is fall time and its about to get snowmantical and a boy hasnt called me beautiful in almost a year. maybe it caught me off guard and i ran away with an immature thought.

but anyways...this youtube.. you know the WHY girl in this video? it got me a thinkin.
i may be bitter and negative and stupid sometimes..and totes be a hater...but i dont wanna die without loving. without REALLY loving and being loved. i just dont. that..is the most miserable thought in the entire world... to never experience what everyone talks about and dreams about and hopes for.

i just.. wish someone could meet me halfway on a limb someday when i am ready and they are ready... BEFORE i fall off and break my neck and never experience great love...mmk?

mike chang...be my last..ok?

Monday, October 22, 2012

i'mmmm BACK- catch up

I have been ridiculously absent from you, ya silly little readers. NOT that i have an exciting life, because I dont. lately i've been watching tons of sitcoms and downing nutella like it aint no thing. I had to quit my jobby with my triple toddlers..and i miss them so much it hurts. i seriously never thought i'd love little baby boys, but i do. so much that i'm scared i wont love my own kids as much as i love my trippies! okay i know i will, but loving THEM as much as i do, i cant imagine how much love my heart is gonna hold for my own babes someday.

anyways, not having a job and being uncertain about my future plans for the next few months is driving me BONKERS. i'm desperate to do crafts, read books, sew, and anything else that will keep my brain busy. I miss school so much i feel like a FOOL! i miss having a social life...yaknowwhaddimean? for the first time in 18 years im not attending school in the fall! it BLOWS. im so used to college and after a stressful day on campus, walking home and putting cider on the stove. now i stay in my pjs all day and try to find out what im doing with my life. FRICK GUYS. oh and i watch bob ross and paint for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. but i applied for my social work license today. cant freaking wait to start helping people and get meaning back into my life. it will probs be a low-key job for my first carreer...but its a carreer....right?

lately i've had more drama in my life than in all 3 years of junior high combined. (OKAY THATS A LIE....maybe 1 semester of 8th grade.. LOLZ). It sucks to not be able to write out what exactly has been going on here on my blog, because this is my outlet. but I really don't feel safe doing it...and its pretty pathetic the people who have made my life bonkers. i'm SURE you can guess a certain man that has been making my life hell and has been the past 2 & 1/2 years. seriously. its immature to call that person out on here, but stop the stalking, bro!!!! i'll taze you. aint nobody got time to avoid you for yearzzz.

also applied to grad school. my app sucked but my essays were off the chizzain....my general grades werent so hot...so im just prayin whatever is supposed to happen will.

also.. i went to a midwife class. im never having my baby at home, but at least i know how to birth a baby if ever the midwife gets stuck in a storm and cant deliver the baby. ps... placenta is amazing and FRICKING DISGUSTING

also, go see pitch perfect. you'll lol your butt off.

anyway.. heres a meme. BYE

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