Monday, April 30, 2012


Once upon a time, in a dark and twisty place in my life months and months ago, i received an e-mail from a reader about a blog post i had written. (i sort of felt like a blog celeb for a minute, and pretended i was NieNie getting emails from adoring fans. luuulllzz. jokes.) But really, it was the sweetest thing ever written.

i'm sure i made it apparent on my blog that i was discouraged about what i was to do with my future, and i was definitely discouraged about where i was in my life...because where i was, was not where i PLANNED to be. so i was asking for any advice or help anyone had for me. my friends were engaged or getting married, and i was heartbroken, once again. i was at square one... lost, confused, and sad...much like how i am finding myself tonight laying in my bed. At square one- a place i didnt think i'd revisit.

 This e-mail i recieved from this reader gave me hope, made me want to pick myself up off the floor and start making plans for my future. ANY plans, because it was my future, and only mine. And i could do whatever i wanted with it. So i did make plans. and i started getting happy. and right when things started looking great, all of a sudden my things didn't work out for me the way i planned.

And now i am back to that point, where i need to pick myself up, and start making plans again.

I remembered some things said in this email just hit me in the right way, and i forgot i was going to post it on here. So this is for me, for a night like tonight..and for anyone else who is in my boat.. who is just trying hard to start making plans again.


I consider myself to be a "nonparticipating blogger/internet user" I rarely, if ever, I will comment back to people or make my presence known in the stalking that I do.. However, I love reading your blog and I know what it feels like to want someone who really doesn't know you that well to give some heartfelt feedback.  

Preparing yourself for marriage is impossible.  Preparing yourself for the future is impossible.  Preparing yourself for “life” is impossible.  

Things happen and plans change, I have always been a big dreamer, I root for the underdogs and I believe in life’s small miracles.  I also believe that one person can make the world of a difference in the lives of others.  My first semester at BYU I had an English teacher that really cared not only for our ability to write but for our ability to make a difference.  Classic mission story:  while he was on his mission in Montana, he and his companion randomly walked to an apartment building near their church.  Out of ideas and frustrated with their area this was a last ditch effort.  There they came across a family who had moments before been discussing what it meant for them to be a family and how they needed to figure something out for their family to survive in the world we live in, the mother of this family broke down into tears when she found the missionaries at the door and all she could make out was:  “I have been waiting for you for so long.”  

There are people out there waiting for you Nicole, some of them you have already met and you have already made a difference in their life.  Others are still waiting.. No need to go on a mission unless you feel that is where you belong, but the line of work that you are in is so needed all throughout the US.  There are so many children and families out there that need a Nicole to walk into their life and change it for the better.  Remember that there are people waiting and only you can touch them because of who you are and what you stand for.

If grad school is where you want to be, make it happen, get out of your comfort zone and go all out.  Go to Paris, go to Australia, see the world and then come back, because everything you are going through right now is going towards the future of your children.  They are going to need you and only you for their mother.  Their needs are ones that only you are going to be able to handle.  Take a cooking class for fun, learn how to make a wedding cake, do whatever you FEEL like doing, because you can.  (Apparently things dealing with food appeal to me, they may be different for you).

Getting married is such a wonderful thing, something that I think a lot of girls (especially in Utah) rush into, they start feeling like something is wrong with them if they are 24 and not married yet, people start asking why they aren’t dating anyone seriously, there’s too much pressure on that.  The average age to get married in the US is like 27, and that’s young!  

When talking about being married, people paint one of two pictures: 
A) living happily ever after with their husband and not a worry in the world
B) getting a divorce because they married a monster.  

NEWS FLASH:  both of those are false.  Getting married and living happily ever after only happens in the books and the movies, there are no Edward Cullen’s or Jacob Black’s in the world.  There are real people though, real people with wonderful traits as well as flaws, and getting married to someone is realizing that yeah, things aren’t perfect, sometimes I think you are a total retard, but I love you and that’s why we are working hard to make it work.  (Please don’t think I have a horrible marriage because I think a lot of people like to hide the truth and most everyone feels this way).  You have so much to offer to a family and are so wonderfully talented.  

I know I don’t know you very well and you probably think I am crazy going on like this, especially seeing as I really don’t know your situation or some of the options you have right now.  Our brief glimpses of each other in the hallways at school are nothing to compare to a friendship but do know that I really do look up to you.  It may not seem like it but from the outside looking in, you have so much going for you right now and if you have a few options that you are bouncing between.. Do them all!  Start making plans for your future and chances are they will be rudely interrupted by your imperfect prince charming without you even realizing it.  

Guys from the past are hard to get over, not because they still hold a place in your heart, but because they took that bit of you that you gave to them and stomped on it, and knowing that you trusted someone with so much of yourself to only watch them walk away without a glance back is the most horrible feeling in the world.  That little piece of you then buries itself even deeper to avoid getting hurt again, so the next guy comes along and doesn’t get to see that wonderful part of you that’s holding back, afraid of getting hurt.  Memories never go away, even when you get married you still remember that one boy that took you to prom, or the other boy that held you while you cried, but slowly those memories become easier to look back on and easier to see that the girl you were when you were with that boy, was not the girl you need to be for the family you are going to have.  

Like I said before, I am a big dreamer, everything happens for a reason and even though that reason may not come along for years and years, it will come.. the longer you have to wait for it, the more worth it, it will be..  If you are still reading all of this I commend you for your patience.  I wish you the best in the next step, how I wish I was at that same point in my life.  You are an excellent writer, keep all of us updated because that’s a whole lot of people that either really care or are just really nosy (mostly I think we all really care)

Good luck Nicole.


jinxed for heartache

I think i jinxed myself, folks.
i think i'm gonna burn this blog down.

once upon a time about a year ago, i had a miserable heartbreak. one that i thought i would never recover from. i was manipulated into believing i was an awful person who didnt deserve someone great. i believed that for soooo long. i was threatened, made out to believe i was only a girl who consisted of my weaknessnes, and didn't believe i was worth ANYTHING. i stayed with someone who made me feel like a no one. after a year and half of believing that and crying my eyes out, i decided i was done. i decided i was only going to be with people who made me BETTER. (i had to change my address and my number to get away from that thing i ever did)

so, after getting out of something awful, i was pretty closed off to dating. casual dating? sure...i needed that every now and then. but real dating? dating where you think you could actually love a person type dating? nooooo way. my heart wasnt ready for that.

well FREAK.
you'd imagine i was quite caught off guard when i met the nicest, most wonderful boy who was interested in me. WHAT?! he was INTERESTED in me? and wanted to date me? Yeah i sill cant get over that part. I also cant get over the part how he was so kind, and genuine, and everything i needed! and when i was with him..i just wanted to be so much better.
It was literally unbelievable the entire time we dated. no fights, no nothing...everything i felt like i needed. every night after i got home from spending time with him, before i'd go to bed, i'd ask myself how on EARTH i got so lucky? i just always felt so....lucky to be with someone like him.

So here comes the jinx part. 2 posts ago i introduced you all to him, after hesitating due to some personal reasons. but i thought...what the heck! i am happy and need to share this! i felt like he'd be in my life for a while, and wanted everyone to know i had found someone who made me so, unbelievable happy.

ha to the ha. the fates slapped me in the face. jinxed. this dang blog jinxed me!!! :(

so here i am, once again, in a place i didnt ever want to revisit. i never wanted to run into the bathroom again after crying a little too hard to go throw up. i thought i was over that point in my life. i thought i was over feeling that empty feeling inside. i thought i'd felt enough of that in the past, that maybe i'd get lucky this time.
I also am back to square one, with my family watching me go through another heartbreak. (anyone who knows me, knows that i do NOT deal with heartbreak well).

i guess its greatly different from the heartache that drove me into a dark place for a very long time. this heartache is the type where youre just so, unbelievable sad. I was never mistreated, never manipulated, and always felt so worth it, because he was just such a great person. i have learned some great things and feel really blessed. but that doesnt take away the pain.

i do know that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.
i deserve to be with someone who will work through trials with me.
if someone wants to stay in my life, they will find a way to do so.
and if they dont, i need to accept that too.

 so next week i graduate college. my family will be there, and he wont.
and i will come home to a summer i planned to spend with him...only to have to figure out what to do next, alone.

but thats life. and i just have to keep telling myself that there is someone out there who is right for me, and is patiently waiting for me.

Saturday, April 21, 2012

Things i've learned in college.

hey guys.
this is monumental.

today i realized i'm graduating from college soon.
heres some things college has taught me... (other than silly academic stuff):

  • its appropriate to knit during boring anthro and psych classes
  • always keep a facebook activated so you always have something to do to put off homework
  • professors who dont speak english probably arent the best at TEACHING english
  • campus parking people are direct descendents of LUCIFER THE DEVIL
  • cheapest housing= win
  • crazy college boyfriends= biggest fail of my life
  • dressing up in masks/gorilla/furby costumes and gallavanting around the freshman dorms absolutely never gets old
  • friends you met freshman year of college usually stick with you, thank heavens. (liv, bunt, ryguy125, shokes. God bless you.)
  • some friends you are SUPER close with for a semester, then drift apart once your lives change. and thats okay.
  • crafting is an acceptable hobby.
  • blowing up a small raft and sailing on first dam is always worth it.
  • college is usually less dramatic than highschool. USUALLY.
  • rooming with friends > rooming with complete weirdo strangers. (thanks 6C and D22, you guys are #1)
  • You will most likely only have one spring break all of college that will be epic and you will meet lifelong friends... totes serious. (maybe even meet one of your best friends because they ask you to help them cover their hickey. HAHA.)
  • i still dont have a high opinion of sorority girls, and especially not of blonde sorority girls who nickname themselves 'barbie'
  • i have an even lower opinion of most frat boys and the music they blast late at night
  • tools who wear chokers and puka shells didnt cease existing in the 90's, but do in fact roam USU campus still to this day
  • blogging/fb/twitter has probably lowered my GPA overall at least a good .7 points
  • shmonday runs will forever be used in my household
  • the library is 1/2 for studying, 1/2 for freshman girls to go man hunting
  • the field house is 1/8 for working out, 7/8 for scoping out the opposite sex
  • walmart will forever be my #1 biotch.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

its about time..

Okay okay... im a sucky blogger.

But I guess its about time to mention this guy on here since i've been keeping him from you all for the past couple months.

isn't he adorable? i quite think so.
His name is Tyler.
He's converted me to Lord of the Rings..(our Gollum impressions are getting quite accurate)...
PB & J Uncrustable sammiches..and Tru Moo chocolate milk.

AND... he makes me want to be a better person.  What more could a girl want?

Over and out.

Monday, April 2, 2012


found this on pinterest. cant stop rofling.



(okay so technically i have three credits to take online this summer, but that doesnt count)

WOOP WOOP. i got my cap and gown the other was pretty weird. they congratulated me when i was buying it and i was like..umm..thanks? it feels fake. feels like 6th-grade-graduation-paper-cap-with-a-yarn-tassle-fake.
its pretty surreal. im planning on walking in graduation, purely so i can take a picture to PROVE to my children that i graduated college.

today i submitted a paper online for one of my classes aaaaand i forgot to capitalize the title. (this was after i quickly re-typed the whole thing due to my computer crashing and it not saving and me crying my widdle eyes out). I think i'm a senior or something.