Monday, April 30, 2012

jinxed for heartache

I think i jinxed myself, folks.
i think i'm gonna burn this blog down.

once upon a time about a year ago, i had a miserable heartbreak. one that i thought i would never recover from. i was manipulated into believing i was an awful person who didnt deserve someone great. i believed that for soooo long. i was threatened, made out to believe i was only a girl who consisted of my weaknessnes, and didn't believe i was worth ANYTHING. i stayed with someone who made me feel like a no one. after a year and half of believing that and crying my eyes out, i decided i was done. i decided i was only going to be with people who made me BETTER. (i had to change my address and my number to get away from that thing i ever did)

so, after getting out of something awful, i was pretty closed off to dating. casual dating? sure...i needed that every now and then. but real dating? dating where you think you could actually love a person type dating? nooooo way. my heart wasnt ready for that.

well FREAK.
you'd imagine i was quite caught off guard when i met the nicest, most wonderful boy who was interested in me. WHAT?! he was INTERESTED in me? and wanted to date me? Yeah i sill cant get over that part. I also cant get over the part how he was so kind, and genuine, and everything i needed! and when i was with him..i just wanted to be so much better.
It was literally unbelievable the entire time we dated. no fights, no nothing...everything i felt like i needed. every night after i got home from spending time with him, before i'd go to bed, i'd ask myself how on EARTH i got so lucky? i just always felt so....lucky to be with someone like him.

So here comes the jinx part. 2 posts ago i introduced you all to him, after hesitating due to some personal reasons. but i thought...what the heck! i am happy and need to share this! i felt like he'd be in my life for a while, and wanted everyone to know i had found someone who made me so, unbelievable happy.

ha to the ha. the fates slapped me in the face. jinxed. this dang blog jinxed me!!! :(

so here i am, once again, in a place i didnt ever want to revisit. i never wanted to run into the bathroom again after crying a little too hard to go throw up. i thought i was over that point in my life. i thought i was over feeling that empty feeling inside. i thought i'd felt enough of that in the past, that maybe i'd get lucky this time.
I also am back to square one, with my family watching me go through another heartbreak. (anyone who knows me, knows that i do NOT deal with heartbreak well).

i guess its greatly different from the heartache that drove me into a dark place for a very long time. this heartache is the type where youre just so, unbelievable sad. I was never mistreated, never manipulated, and always felt so worth it, because he was just such a great person. i have learned some great things and feel really blessed. but that doesnt take away the pain.

i do know that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.
i deserve to be with someone who will work through trials with me.
if someone wants to stay in my life, they will find a way to do so.
and if they dont, i need to accept that too.

 so next week i graduate college. my family will be there, and he wont.
and i will come home to a summer i planned to spend with him...only to have to figure out what to do next, alone.

but thats life. and i just have to keep telling myself that there is someone out there who is right for me, and is patiently waiting for me.


Mindy said...

I am not sure if there is ever a heartbreak quota to reach and then you are done, because if there is, I shoulda met it a decade ago!!!! ;) My only nugget for today is this: I promise it gets better. It may not completely go away and it may feel like it isn't getting any better. But I promise, it does. Keep your chin up. You are beautiful, kind, funny and witty. You have SO much to offer this world. NEVER DOUBT THAT.

Liz said...

I'm sorry :-( I know it doesn't feel this way, but there is someone out there who is wonderful and deserves you. Keep your head up. Hugs coming your way.

Amylee said...

:( Boo. Go to Harry Potter Land and wizard you up a dream boat. Mmmkay?

Robby Spratt said...

I'm really sorry about your recent heartache. Breakups and relationship disappointments are some of the hardest things to deal with.
I am still recovering from one myself.
I've often thought that breakups are so difficult because you are essentially mourning for the loss of a loved on. It is similar to mourning for a loved one who has died, but the difference is that when someone dies, they leave you unwillingly, or accidentally; but when a breakups happens, they are choosing to leave you, and that makes things more difficult I think.
I don't really have any good advice on how to feel better. I haven't figured it out yet. But I can sympathize. Also, sometimes when these things happen, we want to feel the heartache. I think it is a healthy part of the mourning/recover process.
When I feel especially down, I usually turn to a few of my favorite movies. There are a few that almost always cheer me up a bit and give me hope in relationships.
I hope you don't mind me chiming in on your blog. I know I'm a fairly new reader here. I appreciate your willingness to share personal things publicly. You have a very good blog, and I think this sort of thing is really uplifting for those people who care about you enough to read your writing, and get to know you better.
If you need someone to chat with about this stuff, I am happy to help. :)

Tami said...

Hi bubs. :( You will get through this. I promise. Sister hugggggggg.