jinxed for heartache

I think i jinxed myself, folks.
i think i'm gonna burn this blog down.

once upon a time about a year ago, i had a miserable heartbreak. one that i thought i would never recover from. i was manipulated into believing i was an awful person who didnt deserve someone great. i believed that for soooo long. i was threatened, made out to believe i was only a girl who consisted of my weaknessnes, and didn't believe i was worth ANYTHING. i stayed with someone who made me feel like a no one. after a year and half of believing that and crying my eyes out, i decided i was done. i decided i was only going to be with people who made me BETTER. (i had to change my address and my number to get away from that situation...best thing i ever did)

so, after getting out of something awful, i was pretty closed off to dating. casual dating? sure...i needed that every now and then. but real dating? dating where you think you could actually love a person type dating? nooooo way. my heart wasnt ready for that.

well FREAK.
you'd imagine i was quite caught off guard when i met the nicest, most wonderful boy who was interested in me. WHAT?! he was INTERESTED in me? and wanted to date me? Yeah i sill cant get over that part. I also cant get over the part how he was so kind, and genuine, and everything i needed! and when i was with him..i just wanted to be so much better.
It was literally unbelievable the entire time we dated. no fights, no nothing...everything i felt like i needed. every night after i got home from spending time with him, before i'd go to bed, i'd ask myself how on EARTH i got so lucky? i just always felt so....lucky to be with someone like him.

So here comes the jinx part. 2 posts ago i introduced you all to him, after hesitating due to some personal reasons. but i thought...what the heck! i am happy and need to share this! i felt like he'd be in my life for a while, and wanted everyone to know i had found someone who made me so, unbelievable happy.

ha to the ha. the fates slapped me in the face. jinxed. this dang blog jinxed me!!! :(


so here i am, once again, in a place i didnt ever want to revisit. i never wanted to run into the bathroom again after crying a little too hard to go throw up. i thought i was over that point in my life. i thought i was over feeling that empty feeling inside. i thought i'd felt enough of that in the past, that maybe i'd get lucky this time.
I also am back to square one, with my family watching me go through another heartbreak. (anyone who knows me, knows that i do NOT deal with heartbreak well).

i guess its greatly different from the heartache that drove me into a dark place for a very long time. this heartache is the type where youre just so, unbelievable sad. I was never mistreated, never manipulated, and always felt so worth it, because he was just such a great person. i have learned some great things and feel really blessed. but that doesnt take away the pain.


i do know that i deserve to be with someone who wants to be with me.
i deserve to be with someone who will work through trials with me.
if someone wants to stay in my life, they will find a way to do so.
and if they dont, i need to accept that too.


 so next week i graduate college. my family will be there, and he wont.
and i will come home to a summer i planned to spend with him...only to have to figure out what to do next, alone.

but thats life. and i just have to keep telling myself that there is someone out there who is right for me, and is patiently waiting for me.