Thursday, May 31, 2012

Nanny diaries- Triplets

more than you EVER wanted to know about being a nanny for triplets.

seriously guys, this is my life. ready go:

11:30 arrive, morning nanny is putting the three boys down for their nap. usually one is asleep, one is crying, and one is still drinking their bottle. morning nanny peaces out.

12:00...listen to coos, baby screams, baby snores.

12:15 take dirty baby laundry down 2 flights of stairs to the a new load and dry the old load.

12:30 upstairs- wash 3 bottles, do a load of dishes. take out 3 new bottles for afternoon feeding

12:45 babies finally sound asleep. sit on couch and experience peace for 15 minutes. shoo away their blind and deaf dog 'keller'

1:00 switch laundry load, fold dried laundry.

1:15 unload the dishwasher- get burned on spoons and plates since they are still burning hot

1:30 parker starts to scream, georgie starts to say 'mamamamama'

1:35 run down to get more laundry out- fold before the boys wake up

1:40 parker is screaming bloody murder. take laundry upstairs quietly.

1:41 open nursery doors and kiss a smiling george, and a snot nosed, screaming parker on the head

1:42 edison is fast asleep still

1:43 take parker out, wipe his nose, his eyes, and his butt. diaper change #1

1:45. put parker by his toys, get georgie out of crib. change georgie. diaper change #2

1:47 shut nursery doors, let edison sleep longer. place georgie by parker

1:50 play with happy george and happy parker.

2:00 put laundry away with boys grabbing me every 5 seconds

2:05 "having twins is a BREEZE"

2:10 parker 'vaccuuming' with his toy vacuum

2:15 georgie eating lint off the carpet, ripping his ABC book.

2:17 me chasing both boys and playing airplane. baby talk overload. drool all over my pants, george chewing on my knee.

2:20 go in nursery to check on edison. eyes wide open, happy boy. kiss him on the head.

2:21 turn on the light, get edison out of crib. diaper change #3. george and parker storm the nursery, start throwing shoes, pulling cords and hitting my legs

2:25 corral boys out of nursery. do edisons massage and physical therapy for his cerebral palsy. keep georgie from hitting edison.

2:30 parker is throwing books and trying to whistle. smiles and giggles.

2:35 put edison down, work with him on his tracking and coordination.

2:40 boys are getting cranky. george keeps climbing over edison and parker. parker keeps stealing edisons toys.

2:42 nanny nicole throws some 'puffs' (flavored cheerios) onto the carpet. nom nom nom.

2:55 place edison in boppy, run downstairs to get bottles

3:00. parker and georgie screaming child abandonment. get 3 bottles... 2 with 6 oz of formula, 1 bottle with 4 oz juice 2 oz water. warm bottles. shake bottles. run upstairs with three bottles. wonder why im sweating and panting.

3:03 "i didnt leave you, you babies!!!!"

3:04 lay edison down, juice bottle.

3:05 lay parker down, milk bottle

3:06 lay georgie down, milk bottle

3:07 rotate bottles between boys for the next 10 min

3:08 pick up toys, tidy up.

3:10 put bottle back in edisons mouth, stop george from stealing edisons juice

3:12 parker is happily pouring his bottle all over the carpet

3:13 george is done first, tries stealing both bottles like a boss. climbs on me, pulling my hair and smacking my face. baby drool all over me.

3:14 parker is done, starts pushing his bottle around the room like a car.

3:15 nicole takes 2 empty bottles and puts them up. guard edison so he finishes without being jumped by greedy one year olds.

3:20 read a few books to parker and george to keep them busy

3:25 edison finishes. work with him on sitting up by himself. he spits up. baby vomit now on my shirt.

3:30 i find myself reading the same book about koalas for the 5th time. so much baby talk by now. rock edison in the rocking chair.

3:35 diaper change for all- #4 #5 #6. #5 was stinky and #6 was a dooooozy. try to not vomit.

3:40 put edison in jumper, collect 3 empty bottles, run down to the outside garbage with poopy diapers. bleh.

3:41 parker screaming abandonment. put 3 bottles in dishwasher.

3:42 run back upstairs. put all the boys pants on (pants arent worth it with all the diaper changing)

3:45 bring edison downstairs to the triple stroller.

3:47 bring georgie down to the triple stroller. strap him in.

3:49 bring parker down to the triple stroller. gerogie is standing UP and laughing.

3:52 secure parker and george firmly in their seats. grab sun hats, put them on.

3:53 lather all boys up with baby sunscreen. parker is screaming. hats already off.

3:55 im sweating, and finally out the door with my triple stroller. the boys are quiet.

4:00 edison quietly sits, george hangs his head and arm out the side, and parker lays down sideways.

4:05 i walk. it doesnt matter where. anywhere. school kids pass me. cars stop and stare at the young girl with all the babies.

4:15 five blocks later, i turn around. parker is asleep. ive probably been talking to myself the whole walk. i text my mom.

4:20 i walk home, very slowly. snap a few pictures of my cute boys. walk some more.

4:30 we are home. they are tired. one by one i take them out. two in jumpers, one in a crib

4:45 diaper change #7 mistaknly thought it was a doozy...change anyway.

4:50 bring boys upstairs, one by one. parker screams abandonment.

4:55 finally all upstairs. im sweating. baby tears and snot on my shirt from comforting. the boys are playing with books and toys.

5:00 boys faces light up when they hear their mom walking up the stairs.

5:05 clean up toys, leave my boys. take trash out on the way down.

and thats only 6 hours of having 3 one year olds.
imagine 18 years worth of that, folks!!

glamorous life, eh?

Monday, May 28, 2012

stretching my soul

i have not had the hardest life possible.
i am 22, pretty healthy, and have not experienced much hardship in my blessed life.
i have a good family...good friends..was blessed enough to get an education..i live in a good place.

but i have experienced enough to know that i will never let anyone make me feel like i would be a better person if i was not completely myself. let me explain:

i have my set of problems and struggles, just like anyone else out there.
i have seen the bitter side of lonely, hurt and frustration.
i have been repeatedly and comically left by friends and boyfriends which has made me wallow in my own tears and ask repeatedly 'why me'.
being 'left' has probably been one of my biggest struggles the past few years, because i always take it so personally.
i have had many people change their minds about my worth.
i've had an extra glimpse of sadness, due to the mental struggles i have been granted on this earth.
i have been  prisoner to my own mind at times- and have been absolutely ashamed of it since i can remember.

i know what its like to wake up and not want to get up...i know what its like to want to stay asleep because that seems so much better than real life. i know what its like to wish away my days! i have felt all those things far too often for how young i am and how great of life i have...i know this.

and after some experiences, and struggles, and learning, i know i do not want to spend my life with someone who deems me 'crazy' or someone who throws in the towel when things get hard. i do not want to be with someone that i have to hide my problems from, cover my struggles, or pretend that there isnt a part of me that isnt what they prefer. what kind of life is that? i have not given up on myself after all these years, i do not plan on giving up, and the last person i need is someone who will give up on me.

this is me. im far from perfect. but i am done hiding parts of myself and selling myself short, so i can please others. i am a good person... and i am humbly learning the ins and outs of life. i am not my struggles. i am not my mind and my emotions and my bad days. those things reside in the smallest part of my heart. there is so much more that is full of so much good.

i am growing and strengthening myself, and stretching my soul. and it hurts and aches...but i know its what i need.

and i feel so achey and grateful all at the same time. is that possible? i think it is.

Sunday, May 27, 2012

gospel gem- lessons from liberty jail

i know this is long..but i promise it is worth it. if you have 5-10 minutes, let what Elder Holland said sink in.
it is worth it. (if you DONT have time... scroll through and i bolded my favorite quotes, you lazy, lazy people.)


Lessons from Liberty Jail- Jeffrey R. Holland

1. Everyone Faces Trying Times

Now then, three lessons from Liberty Jail: May I suggest that the first of these is inherent in what I’ve already said—that everyone, including (and perhaps especially) the righteous, will be called upon to face trying times. When that happens we can sometimes fear God has abandoned us, and we might be left, at least for a time, to wonder when our troubles will ever end. As individuals, as families, as communities, and as nations, probably everyone has had or will have an occasion to feel as Joseph Smith felt when he asked why such sorrow had to come and how long its darkness and damage would remain. We identify with him when he cries from the depth and discouragement of his confinement: “O God, where art thou? . . . How long shall thy hand be stayed . . . ? Yea, O Lord, how long shall [thy people] suffer . . . before . . . thy bowels be moved with compassion toward them?” (D&C 121:1–3).
That is a painful, personal cry—a cry from the heart, a spiritual loneliness we may all have occasion to feel at some time in our lives.

Perhaps you have had such moments already in your young lives. If so, I hope you have not had too many. But whenever these moments of our extremity come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. He does hear us. He does see us. He does love us. When we are in dire circumstances and want to cry “Where art Thou?” it is imperative that we remember He is right there with us—where He has always been! We must continue to believe, continue to have faith, continue to pray and plead with heaven, even if we feel for a time our prayers are not heard and that God has somehow gone away. He is there. Our prayers are heard. And when we weep He and the angels of heaven weep with us.

When lonely, cold, hard times come, we have to endure, we have to continue, we have to persist. That was the Savior’s message in the parable of the importuning widow (see Luke 18:1–8; see also Luke 11:5–10). Keep knocking on that door. Keep pleading. In the meantime, know that God hears your cries and knows your distress. He is your Father, and you are His child.

When what has to be has been and when what lessons to be learned have been learned, it will be for us as it was for the Prophet Joseph. Just at the time he felt most alone and distant from heaven’s ear was the very time he received the wonderful ministration of the Spirit and wonderful, glorious answers that came from his Father in Heaven. Into this dismal dungeon and this depressing time, the voice of God came, saying:
“My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
“And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes” (D&C 121:7–8).
Even though seemingly unjust circumstances may be heaped upon us and even though unkind and unmerited things may be done to us—perhaps by those we consider enemies but also, in some cases, by those whom we thought were friends—nevertheless, through it all, God is with us. That is why we had our marvelous choir sing tonight Sarah Adams’s traditional, old Christian hymn “Nearer, My God, to Thee” with that seldom-sung fourth verse, which they sang so beautifully:

Out of my stony griefs
Bethel I’ll raise;
So by my woes to be
Nearer, my God, to thee.12

We are not alone in our little prisons here. When suffering, we may in fact be nearer to God than we’ve ever been in our entire lives. That knowledge can turn every such situation into a would-be temple.

Regarding our earthly journey, the Lord has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up” (D&C 84:88). That is an everlasting declaration of God’s love and care for us, including—and perhaps especially—in times of trouble.

2. Even the Worthy Will Suffer

Secondly, we need to realize that just because difficult things happen—sometimes unfair and seemingly unjustified things—it does not mean that we are unrighteous or that we are unworthy of blessings or that God is disappointed in us. Of course sinfulness does bring suffering, and the only answer to that behavior is repentance. But sometimes suffering comes to the righteous, too. You will recall that from the depths of Liberty Jail when Joseph was reminded that he had indeed been “cast . . . into trouble,” had passed through tribulation and been falsely accused, had been torn away from his family and cast into a pit, into the hands of murderers, nevertheless, he was to remember that the same thing had happened to the Savior of the world, and because He was triumphant, so shall we be (see D&C 122:4–7). In giving us this sober reminder of what the Savior went through, the revelation from Liberty Jail records: “The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” (D&C 122:8).
No. Joseph was not greater than the Savior, and neither are we. And when we promise to follow the Savior, to walk in His footsteps and be His disciples, we are promising to go where that divine path leads us. And the path of salvation has always led one way or another through Gethsemane. So if the Savior faced such injustices and discouragements, such persecutions, unrighteousness, and suffering, we cannot expect that we are not going to face some of that if we still intend to call ourselves His true disciples and faithful followers. And it certainly underscores the fact that the righteous—in the Savior’s case, the personification of righteousness—can be totally worthy before God and still suffer.

In fact, it ought to be a matter of great doctrinal consolation to us that Jesus, in the course of the Atonement, experienced all of the heartache and sorrow, all of the disappointments and injustices that the entire family of man had experienced and would experience from Adam and Eve to the end of the world in order that we would not have to face them so severely or so deeply. However heavy our load might be, it would be a lot heavier if the Savior had not gone that way before us and carried that burden with us and for us.

Very early in the Prophet Joseph’s ministry, the Savior taught him this doctrine. After speaking of sufferings so exquisite to feel and so hard to bear, Jesus said, “I, God, have suffered these things for all, that they [and that means you and I and everyone] might not suffer if they would repent” (D&C 19:16). In our moments of pain and trial, I guess we would shudder to think it could be worse, but the answer to that is clearly that it could be worse and it would be worse. Only through our faith and repentance and obedience to the gospel that provided the sacred Atonement is it kept from being worse.

Furthermore, we note that not only has the Savior suffered, in His case entirely innocently, but so have most of the prophets and other great men and women recorded in the scriptures. Name an Old Testament or Book of Mormon prophet, name a New Testament Apostle, name virtually any of the leaders in any dispensation, including our own, and you name someone who has had trouble.
My point? If you are having a bad day, you’ve got a lot of company—very, very good company. The best company that has ever lived.

Now, don’t misunderstand. We don’t have to look for sorrow. We don’t have to seek to be martyrs. Trouble has a way of finding us even without our looking for it. But when it is obvious that a little time in Liberty Jail waits before you (spiritually speaking), remember these first two truths taught to Joseph in that prison-temple. First, God has not forgotten you, and second, the Savior has been where you have been, allowing Him to provide for your deliverance and your comfort.

As the prophet Isaiah wrote, the Lord has “graven thee upon the palms of [His] hands,” permanently written right there in scar tissue with Roman nails as the writing instrument. Having paid that price in the suffering that They have paid for you, the Father and the Son will never forget nor forsake you in your suffering. (See Isaiah 49:14–16; see also 1 Nephi 21:14–16.) They have planned, prepared, and guaranteed your victory if you desire it, so be believing and “endure it well” (D&C 121:8). In the end it “shall be for thy good” (D&C 122:7), and you will see “everlasting dominion” flow unto you forever and ever “without compulsory means” (D&C 121:46).

3. Remain Calm, Patient, Charitable, and Forgiving

Thirdly, and tonight lastly, may I remind us all that in the midst of these difficult feelings when one could justifiably be angry or reactionary or vengeful, wanting to return an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth, the Lord reminds us from the Liberty Jail prison-temple that “the rights of the priesthood are inseparably connected with the powers of heaven, and that the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled only [or ‘except’] upon the principles of righteousness” (D&C 121:36). Therefore, even when we face such distressing circumstances in our life and there is something in us that wants to strike out at God or man or friend or foe, we must remember that “no power or influence can or ought to be maintained [except] by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; . . . without hypocrisy, and without guile” (D&C 121:41–42; italics added).

It has always been a wonderful testimony to me of the Prophet Joseph’s greatness and the greatness of all of our prophets, including and especially the Savior of the world in His magnificence, that in the midst of such distress and difficulty they could remain calm and patient, charitable and forgiving—that they could even talk that way, let alone live that way. But they could, and they did. They remembered their covenants, they disciplined themselves, and they knew that we must live the gospel at all times, not just when it is convenient and not just when things are going well. Indeed, they knew that the real test of our faith and our Christian discipleship is when things are not going smoothly. That is when we get to see what we’re made of and how strong our commitment to the gospel really is.

Surely the classic example of this is that in the most painful hours of the Crucifixion the Savior could say, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). That is a hard thing to ask when we’re hurting. That is a hard thing to do when we’ve been offended or are tired or stressed out or suffering innocently. But that is when Christian behavior may matter the most. Remember, “the powers of heaven cannot be controlled nor handled [except] upon the principles of righteousness.” And do we need the powers of heaven with us at such times! As Joseph was taught in this prison-temple, even in distress and sorrow we must “let [our] bowels . . . be full of charity towards all men . . . ; then [and only then] shall [our] confidence wax strong in the presence of God; and . . . the Holy Ghost shall be [our] constant companion” (D&C 121:45–46).

Remaining true to our Christian principles is the only way divine influence can help us. The Spirit has a near-impossible task to get through to a heart that is filled with hate or anger or vengeance or self-pity. Those are all antithetical to the Spirit of the Lord. On the other hand, the Spirit finds instant access to a heart striving to be charitable and forgiving, long-suffering and kind—principles of true discipleship. What a testimony that gospel principles are to apply at all times and in all situations and that if we strive to remain faithful, the triumph of a Christian life can never be vanquished, no matter how grim the circumstance might be. How I love the majesty of these elegant, celestial teachings taught, ironically, in such a despicable setting and time.

Blessing and Testimony

My beloved young friends, as part of my concluding testimony to you tonight, I wish to give you a blessing. It seems to me that as our apostolic witnesses are taken into the world, we have two opportunities and, indeed, perhaps obligations. One is to testify and bear witness, as I have been trying to do and will conclude in doing. The other is to bless—as the ancient Apostles did when the Savior invited them to do as He had done, except that it would be in all the world.

So for every one of you in attendance tonight—here in this vast auditorium or in other locations around the world—I bless every one of you, each one of you in your individual circumstances, as if my hands were on your head. I offer that to you as honestly as I offer my testimony. I bless you in the name of the Lord that God does love you, does hear your prayers, is at your side, and will never leave you.

I bless the brethren that you—that we—will be worthy of the priesthood we bear, that we will live true to the discipleship to which we have been called, in that great order, the Holy Priesthood, after the Order of the Son of God. I bless you that we will really be like the Master—that we will think more like He thinks, that we will talk more like He talks, and that we will do more of what He did. I bless you brethren as you strive to be faithful that you will have all the blessings of the priesthood, many of which we have quoted tonight from these very sections from the Doctrine and Covenants.

I bless the sisters within this audience and within the sound of my voice. I would have you know how much we cherish you, how much God cherishes you, and how much the flag of faith has been flown by the sisters of this Church from the beginning. In every generation, it would seem, from the beginning of time down to the present hour and beyond, so often it has been the women in our lives—our grandmothers, our mothers, our wives, our daughters, our sisters, our granddaughters—who have taken that torch of faith and that banner of beautiful living and have carried gospel principles wherever it would take them, against whatever hardship, into their own little equivalent of Liberty Jails and difficult times. Sisters, we love you and honor you and bless you. We ask that every righteous desire of your heart, tonight and forever, be answered upon your head and that you will walk away from this devotional with the understanding and the knowledge firmly in your heart as to how much God and heaven and the presiding Brethren of this Church love you and honor you.

I salute you young adults of this Church in this great CES congregation and say that the future is in your hands. Those of us of my generation have to, in the very near future, pass the baton to you. God bless you to face those times with the valor, the honesty, and the integrity we have spoken of here tonight.
In closing, I testify that the Father and the Son do live. And I testify that They are close, perhaps even closest via the Holy Spirit, when we are experiencing difficult times. I testify (and as our closing musical number, “My Kindness Shall Not Depart from Thee,” will testify, quoting the prophet Isaiah) that heaven’s kindness will never depart from you, regardless of what happens (see Isaiah 54:7–10; see also 3 Nephi 22:7–10). I testify that bad days come to an end, that faith always triumphs, and that heavenly promises are always kept. I testify that God is our Father, that Jesus is the Christ, that this is the true and living gospel—found in this, the true and living Church. I testify that President Thomas S. Monson is a prophet of God, our prophet for this hour and this day. I love him and sustain him as I know you do. In the words of the Liberty Jail prison-temple experience, my young friends, “Hold on thy way. . . . Fear not . . . , for God shall be with you forever and ever” (D&C 122:9). In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Friday, May 25, 2012

The Civil Wars concert & being "That Girl"

once upon a time, i didnt have a ticket to the civil wars.
but then the day of the concert, my friend sold hers, so i did.
and i went and met up with these cuties. and it was AWESOMEEEEEE.

their voices are SO amazing. ah. we were way close to the stage and the concert was soooo chill! im never going to a concert that isnt 21+ ever again. (even though there were no drunk teenagers, there WERE sexually active 60 year old couples who were making out all over the place, and that put a damper on things. i will forever have that image engrained into my brain..)

ah. things were going beautifully.

heres where it gets funny:
after standing around for a tummy started to hurt really bad. like...PAINFULLY hurting. but i thought i'd stick it out since they hadn't even played 'poison and wine' yet. and then all of a sudden, i realized i was about to puke on all of my fellow concert goers that were surrounding me. "OH SHOOOOOOT". this was going to be embarrassing. imma bout to upchuck panda express over ERRYONE. panic. panic. panic. sweaty palms. sweaty forehead. panic.

while holding back the urge to puke that i knew was coming, i shoved my way through the crowd towards the back. i remember putting my hand on my friends shoulder...and then i started blacking out. i was touching random people, trying to not fall down. i was losing my hearing, and my vision was absolutely GONE...but i was still concious. i remember saying "i hehhh...ugh. passs.out ..fhdskajhd...i..." After stumbling a few feet into the crowd, i heard someone say, 'uh...theres a table here, can you go around?' i must have DRUNKEDLY ran into someones table. but oh wait, i wasnt drunk NOR roofied, but everyone thought i was. i was just very slowly going unconcious.

the next thing i remember was i was on the floor. i dont know how long i was passed out for, but woke up with tears running down my face. i heard someone say. "oh my gosh, is that girl okay!?" lulzzzzz.

the nicest lesbian in the history of the world came to my rescue to check on me.
there i was, with tears running down my face, collapsed on the ground, and she looked at me like i'd been given a date rape drug. everyone thought i was 'THAT GIRL' at the concert. she gave me water, and i embarrassedly drank it right up, shakin like a leaf. she looked at me and said, "dont worry sweetie, youre in a safe place" as if i was running away from my rapist who had just given me a roofie.

 its actually quite funny now.

i enjoyed the rest of the concert sitting down with my darling friends who came to my rescue... fully hydrated.
twas a bit hilarious.

and dont worry, i regained conciousness for 'poison and wine' :)

Thursday, May 24, 2012

conciously regenerating

i have tried desperately to have my heartbreak outcome be different this time.

i do not want to start tearing up everytime someone brings it up. that is pathetic nicole. its been one month, today. get a grip on your life.
i do not want to feel frustration when i go to my job..the job i got to be close to someone who suddenly changed their mind about me. (jumped the gun on that one, didnt we? yikes.)
i do not want to say no to boys who ask me out because im just dreaming up of all the possible reasons they could break my trust.
i do not want to wear sweats for 6 months and not wear makeup for goodness sake!

so i am not going to. i'm deciding today, im going to try my absolute hardest to NOT be what i have become in the past. there is one thing that is different about this time around:
my heart is slowly starting to regenerate, and it is being done conciously.

usually...when i get my heartbroken, my heart regenerates unconciously. a year goes by and i realize that time and only time has healed me. in years past, i go through the motions and slowly every day a little piece of my normal self comes back. a few weeks pass and i start laughing again. a few months pass and im back to hanging out with friends. a few more months pass and i'm okay with dating. and then i realize i can think of that person and not one part of me hurts.

but this time i'm actually trying. i am trying because i need to.
im pleading for help that i will be able to heal quickly.
that i will be able to know what it is i need to learn from this.
and i am trying to make the best decisions for myself right now.
i do not, and will not be the girl from my past who slowly regenerates. it sets me back.

i am so grateful someone came into my life and made me a better person for the short time we had together. (if we ever speak again, i must rememnber to sincerely thank him.) i am grateful in the strangest way that this happened, because this trial in my life has never made me closer before than i am to the only thing that keeps me grounded. (just because i am secretly grateful for this, doesnt mean i am free of the pain i feel whenever i think about still makes me hurt.. but it makes the sting a little bit less.) i have been listening to the BEST talks nonstop....(i highly reccommend it.....especially late at night. those soothing voices put you RIGHT to sleep). I've constantly been on my knees asking for assistance throughout the day...I never hesitate. Why has it taken me this long, to realize that any emotional pain i am suffering has been felt before? (even if its silly pain that comes from heartache). Why didn't i realize that if i am doing the right things and trying my hardest, nothing can permanently go wrong? Where has my faith been all these years?

I have always been so hopeless and devastated after someone i care for leaves my life. it shakes me to the core, and it is so, painfully embarrassing the rate it takes me to recover...because i care so deeply, and am so hurt when all is said and done. it is embarrassing at how much i think about it, how much i replay things over in my head every day and every much i ache for things to have turned out differently. i'm a worrier...and my worriness amplifies to about 200% after heartbreak.

but guess what? i have absolutely nothing to permanently worry about. that is GREAT news.

i deserve to be loved and cared for. i deserve for someone to come along someday, and care for me just as much as i care for them. i deserve for someone to never give up on me, and want to spend forever with me. i deserve for someone to look at all of my flaws, and love me anyway! we all deserve that.

im a pretty okay person.
and i think that a pretty okay person will come along someday, fall in love with me, and i will be so truly grateful that it never worked out with anyone else.

so im raising my fresca glass to CONCIOUSLY trying. putting my whole heart into becoming the person i want to be and know i am!

tears every now and then (but hopefully not too often) because i miss someone i cared for so much it makes my stomach hurt and my heart achey? yes. definitely. (lets shoot for every OTHER day, shall we?)

completely giving up on myself? no.

i am conciously regenerating, growing, learning, and have never been more okay with it.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

bahamas adventure+ HP land: in pictures



Vacay was great.

-this was the best snorkeling i have ever done! we went wayyyy deep and saw the most amazing fish. on our swim pack into the private beach..we saw a real live HUGE barracuda...almost peed in the water. (well...on accident i almost peed...the second time.) I told the nice bahamian guide what we saw, and he said, 'ah don worry about them man. it be too busy to bother ya!' and i said...'IT ALMOST ATE US'

-sketchy taxi's in the bahamas are EVERYWHERE. i'm surprised we are all still living.

-i bought so much crap from pushy vendors at the straw market...and was promised 'blessins if ya buy from me here, da widow'. HOW COULD I SAY NO?!

-me, sum, sarah and em had a way fun time on the cruise, even though we were the ONLY sober people onboard. lulz.  i learned that drunk people LOVE cruises. drunk people and couples. and gay cruise staff.

-i successfully learned how to immitated our housekeeper on the ship who was from bombay....his name was Anthony, but his voice was the spitting image (sound?) of King Julian from Madagascar. rofl.

-we. ate. NONSTOP. omnomnomnom

-HP land was great but a lot smaller than i imagined. only 3 rides! but it was everything i dreamed it would be. me and the girls went to the other little theme parks in universal and that was fun...until i blacked out on the hulk ride. TOO MANY LOOPDYS!

-im very glad to be home.

Monday, May 21, 2012


i am home from my week long vacay to the bahamas and harry potter world!
i'm still on a weird sleep schedule...and cant believe i'm going to bed before midnight. but i worky in the morning for the homegirls gonna hit the hay.

pictures to come.
it was a good vacay.
my back looks like a snake shedding its skin. its 100% nasty.

today was also the first day that my heart did not hurt.
it was achey only for a moment or two, but did not hurt.
i have never relied on faith more in my whole life, but i can feel it working.
as long as im doing the right things, nothing can go permanently wrong.
i finally know that.

adios fools.

Saturday, May 12, 2012


Pinned Image

volde humor just doesnt get old!!

thought i'd leave on a good note since the past 2 weeks have been sucky.
memes cheer me right up though, thats for DANG sure.

off to enjoy a Bahamas cruise..
get super tan..
and CANT WAIT to explore harry potter land in a few days!

Adieu muggles.

Friday, May 11, 2012

the 3 a.m. last ditch effort post

sometimes im afraid to post my most inner thoughts on this thing..because this is the world wide interwebz, and people i dont want to get ahold of my thoughts very well could....but i'm 99.9% sure the people i dont want to see this, wont. i feel like i'm PRETTY safe here. this post is pretty much just for me..(obv i left my journal in logan)..BUT WHAT THE HALE. this is my last ditch effort to try to write out my feelings so i can MOVE THE EFF ON with my life. writing my brains out is sort of theraputic for me. and heaven knows i need some therapy right now. let the scatter brained post begin:

-ever heard the song 'somewhere with you' by kenney chesney? well he sings it like a complete moron, but some fool named tyler ward re-did it and its on youtube..anyway...i used to love this song when someone would play it for me. *swooooooon* like a teenage girl i would! swoon swoon swoon. and then, it ironically came true. (i think the dating-fates love playing with my life and rofl every time someone dumps me) its pathetic, because i'd rather be somewhere, anywhere with him..than where i'm at right now. still. weeks and unfair hurt later, i'd rather be somewhere with him. and its funny, because he'd rather be anywhere without me. haaaaa. hahah omg. thats sorta funny.

-sometimes when we'd be in the car together driving to salt lake...a random breakup song would come on his ipod. usually a heartwrenching john mayer song. i'd jokingly say, 'this is gonna be our breakup song. whenever you hear this you are TOTES gonna hate your life and think about me and miss me, huh. remember that, sucker!!!' i said it jokingly out of sheer fright that someday we wouldnt be hanging out in his car driving somewhere together. and that all this new happiness and giddiness and joy would someday be GONE. i said it because i think i was mentally preparing myself for him to tell me sometime in the near future, that i wasnt 'what he needed.'

-reading 'he's just not that into you' last night helped. made me feel like a total super fox, and that i deserved to be loved. its all great and stuff...but then the chapter comes that says...
'he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend'. FAIL. he never wanted to be my 'boyfriend'. he had a huge issue with calling me his 'girlfriend'. i brushed it aside, because i thought that it didnt matter...he cared for me..right? :/
and then i came to the chapter...'hes just not that into you if he's breaking up with you'
and that made me feel REAL awesome...because then the words hit me... 'if he is breaking up with you, don't give him another chance to reject you. walk away with your head held high. you are deeply missable, and he can and should miss you, because he is choosing everyday to NOT be with you.'
double fail.
he ALSO was the guy in the book, who says things like 'this has been so hard on me' and 'i still care about you'.......... and it made me realize...if he really did care about me, and this really was hard on him...........he'd change it.

-i also did the immature facebook thing where you delete an ex the moment they pop up on your newsfeed with their arm around some beautiful exotic girl. i felt a bit childish...but i started crying and it made me want to vomit, sooooooo THAT happened.

-i won't go into details about what this recent heartbreak has done to my body..but lets just say its awesome and its not awesome. i've been thinking all day about this... all day about why i have been taking this so ridiculously hard! why its so hard to wake up in the morning, and the first thing that comes to my mind is that someone i cared about decided he stopped caring for me, or at least stopped caring about me in the same way i cared for him. its awful remembering that. so i usually just go back to sleep. its kind of really sad.

-i have felt that with this breakup, it is more unfair than any of the other ones. the reasoning behind it didnt make sense at all. and it was insulting to me to think that someone i deeply cared for, could believe that i was someone i never have been, and never ever will be. that one cut deep.

so..if someone so obviously doesn't want me...why am i still hurting over this? why am i still so frustrated and bugged?

its bugging me, because of this one reason:

i was so very hesitant to date him, or anyone. i was hesitant to give my heart away again, after andrew had utterly destroyed it and ME in the process of slowly destroying it. i did not have faith in men, and it was very difficult for me to believe that any guy was a 'good guy'. the first time we held hands, he had to practically coach me through it, because i was freaking out so bad. i couldnt even kiss him for nearly a month of dating him for heavens sake....(which is nottttt my usual self.)...because what if i kissed him..and liked him, and he didnt like me back? what if my heart got hurt again? it was so very hard to put my trust in someone again to not hurt i was scared. i was so scared, that after our 3rd date when i felt the slightest spark, i got down on my knees and said a prayer. 'If i am going to get my heartbroken, please don't let me do this. i cannot survive another heartbreak..because the last one almost destroyed me. Please let me know if i should end things before i get hurt. whatever is right, tell me. because i promise i will do whatever you want me to do.'

long story short, i felt that i got the green light. what that meant? i had no idea and i STILL don't know what it means. its frustrating that here i am, hurting and feeling utterly rejected, writing the most pathetic blog post i have ever written in my ENTIRE life. so...unbelievably frustrating, after i pulled over to ask if i should even go through with it. it brings me to tears thinking about how frustrated i am...that i could have possibly avoided this hurt. did i date too soon after andrew? was i not ready to give my heart to someone again? i thought i had felt enough hurt with andrew...that i deserved a good one. im frustrated because i wanted him to be the good one! i wanted so badly to fall in crazy love with him, and i wanted this to be it. i wanted this good guy to sweep me off my feet and never leave me. if two good people found eachother...they could work out..right? i wanted him to tell me that he wanted me and only me. i finally started to believe that i was worth sticking around for, going through trials with, and not giving up on. and he obviously didn't think the same.

i wish right now i could keep my chin up, and say, 'yeah, breakups suck, but someone will love me someday!' but after you have been let down, and let down, and let start to not believe it anymore. keeping my chin up has been very difficult for me as of late. in my head, i hear this coming from my broken little heart: 'yeah breakups suck, but maybe someone will love you someday, MAYBE.'

ANYWAY...this was my last ditch effort to try to get my feelings out...try to make some sense of everything thats been tormenting me in my head. YES, regardless of how this post didn't make much sense....the moral of the story is.... ALL OF THIS SUCKS....and i am going to walk away, with my head held as high as i possibly can, even though i obviously feel a bit miserable.

i cannot give this one more ounce of energy, because it hurts too damn much.
i just want to stop hurting.

i'll take crap day by day.
if not day by day, hour by hour.
but i have ZERO other options, than to just move on.
maybe i'll move my life somewhere sounds kinda tempting right now. goes nothing.
(thumbs up)

Thursday, May 10, 2012

T-3 days...

...Til my bahamas adventure begins.

Heaven knows i need it.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Heartbreak Warfare: A History

Sounds like a book that should be on the shelves of hogwarts. kewl.

everyone who knows me, knows that one of the biggest struggles in my life is DEALING with things. especially when i get my heart ripped out and stomped on by a boy who decides he doesn't care for me anymore. and i i havent learned really how to deal with it. i wish i would. lets revisit the times, shall we? (lets use cool code names to keep things fun). (my friends will enjoy remembering each one of these idiots)

8th and 9th grade: C#1.
i was so very dramatic and was CONVINCED i was supposed to marry my 8th grade sweetheart. barf. we were good friends..he was my first first 'love' and one day he decided that he didnt want my drama anymore, so he dumped me. i wore sweats for an entire year straight, didnt eat food, and listened to 'take my breath away' on repeat while i cried and wrote in my journal everynight. i also thought dying my hair blonde would be a good idea after this heartbreak...which is wasnt.

10th grade: boy A.
after 3 1/2 months of dating, his father suggested that baseball season was more important than having a girlfriend. he dumped me the day of my prom....and in my pictures, my face is so puffy and swollen, it looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes. i went comatose and cried for months, and listened to Avril Lavignes 'i dont give a damn'. i then stalked his myspace every now and then to see the girls he dated after me...and was bitter about him dumping me for a good 2 years. he now is engaged to a beautiful girl.

11th grade: Talmage
what the deuce was a thinking? i wanted a boyfriend desperately that summer to get over boy A...and he wanted a girlfriend. we had fun together, were great friends, and spent a whole summer acting retarded together. (i could get over his old drug habit, right?) he then cheated on me the same day i kissed him goodbye for college. he went SUPER downhill for a while....probably should be dead due to alcohol poisoning when he went nuts at college. he regretted cheating on me for quite some time..but i refused to ever date him again. being cheated on SUCKED. i came home from school everyday and got in bed to sleep. thats all i did, sleep away the image of him cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. i slowly got over it.. but being cheated on once by someone was enough for me to never trust them again. (he has now turned his life around and is happily married. yay for him)

12th grade: Slayer
ohhhh what on this good green earth was i thinking, dating a 16 year old when i was 18? a 16 year old who didn't have his license...had a severe temper problem...a bowl cut.. and wore YUGIO and flannel shirts? TOGETHER!? good heavens i was so upset when he told me he liked someone else. my friends thought i was BAT SHI CRAZY for being so upset that a 16 year old had fallen out of like with me. i really still cant understand why i was so upset about him. he got kicked out of highschool..and heaven only knows where he is today.

Freshman year of college: ChrisTucker
my sister set us up. i liked him, he liked me. we kissed after 10 days of dating. promply after we kissed, he told me he could see us growing old together. i demanded he drive me home out of sheer fright. a month later when he started dating a girl who referred to herself as 'barbie'....i decided i totes was still in like with him and wanted him back. he came over to tell me he didn't like me, and the infamous 'chris tucker' video was made. 'he said he wanna marry me then he said he neva wanna see me again'. my roommates and i spent months deciding why i was a better catch than 'barbie'. thanks guys. he is now happily married...not to barbie.

Sophomore year of college: Cowboy Cassanova
good looking...charming....little snake. we 'dated' for about 2 months...but i was never invited into his house, because his mom said he needed to stop bringing girls over because she would get attached and he would dump them. cool. so basically, he just wanted to make out with me. i spent the holidays with him, and invited him over one night to play games with my family. he dumped me on my living room couch. my mom came downstairs asking if we were ready to play, and i was crying. he said, 'uhhhh should i leave?' yes...he left. and i was heartbroken, over a snake with blue eyes.

Junior year of college: C#2.
Yes, this is C#1's  brother. who i was with for mmmm...about a year and a halfish? we were engaged. my ring was BALLIN! but he was a miserable person to me. i massively got my heart broken and became a dark and twisty individual. my roommates had to buy my groceries for me, and i cut straight across myself. i steadily gained about 20  pounds and was coldstones biotch. i have never been so torn down and depleted than i was after this break up. i wasnt me...i became a person i didn't know. the way i got over it? he broke into my house and read my journal one night months after we had broken up, and the next week he threatened me about something i had written on my blog. i moved and changed my number. i can't believe i was almost married to him.

Senior year of college: Dreamboat
after having a miserable relationship the year before... i was amazed i ran into someone so wonderful. he was dreamy..a genuine boy..had a beautiful voice..and was super sexy too.  i was super hesitant, but felt like it was right to date after struggling a bit with the decision, i let myself. long story short, after a few months, he completely gave up on us...which is ironic, considering our song was 'i wont give up' by jason mraz. he just decided he was done with me one night. i was completely thrown off guard. the pain of being with me outweighed the pain of losing me, and he was okay with it.

 my heart hurts each time i think about him, and each moment i wonder what i could have done differently to change the outcome. was i not pretty enough? not skinny enough? did i say the wrong things? it even crossed my mind..that maybe..just maybe..this would be the last time i ever dated a boy. i thought if i went slow enough..and did everything right..and put my whole heart into caring for him...that i'd be blessed and things may just work out for me. then two weeks ago, outta left field, heartbreak smacked me upside the head. he told me i wasnt what he needed, he didnt want me anymore, and it hurt like hell.

im obviously not coping too awesomely. you think after all the heartbreaks, i'd get the hang of this. well...i havent. the most i eat is one meal a day. (today i ate nothing. WINNING.) i dont know why i am taking this so hard..considering the facts are in: he doesnt want me anymore...he's already dating. and you are sitting in your bed crying. why on earth, would anyone ever want to be with someone who doesnt want them back? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, GIRL! i feel like smacking myself across the face everytime i remind myself of this. i know this me, and i hate this me. ive spent lots of time with this me. i feel her creeping back into my life, and am trying so hard to combat her. i am praying, reading talks, reading scriptures...doing everything i can to combat the me i hate so much from coming back. i have experienced much harder circumstances with C#2...but for some reason, the pain feels almost the same. why does this pain feel the same? i'm angry with myself for caring so much and thinking after all i'd experienced, that maybe this one would stick. shouldnt i know better by now, to not get my hopes up? i mean I DO HAVE A TRACK RECORD!

im sorry that i'm word vommitting everyone.

i wish i knew what i needed to learn from this. i am extremely discouraged, and i just want my heart to stop being achey. loving and caring for someone, and being told one day that they decide you just really arent what they need? it does a number on the heart. what if my husband wakes up one day and realizes...i'm just not what he needs anymore? i dont think that risk is worth it.

i wish i'd never dated anyone. i dont think the pain i feel is worth it. i would much rather have been lonely for 10 years and never dated a soul, then have gotten my heart repeatedly smashed...repeatedly told i'm not right, not good enough, not this or that.

my biggest desire in life is to just love someone with my whole heart. and have them love me with their whole heart. and have a family together.

i just don't understand right now. and i wish my stupid heartbreak history book didnt exist.

Monday, May 7, 2012

Hear Ye...Hear Ye..

I got a college diploma!!!!!
I was crossin my fingers to get a highschool diploma under my you can imagine how surprised I was when I actually graduated from college.
(At 22! On track and everything. That never happens for me guys!)

Graduation day was a good day. So grateful for the friends and family I had there to support me!
And especially grateful for all the people who have been there with me through it all. A few college memories i will never forget from the past four years with my lovies are..

  • gorilla costume escapades with Meg at snow hall, where we laughed so hard while chasing unsuspecting residents
  • When Christy called me from Iowa and cried with me for an hour straight the night i found out my mom had cancer
  • When Livvy bought me flowers, a coloring book, dr pepper and reeses when the cancer scare came back a year later
  • the ladies of 6C for those Mario marathons we all so desperately needed
  • the numerous supportive and wise texts from my mom after i got my heart broken by MULTIPLE boys...
  • SD crew and our Sunday pot lucks
  • my entire family for cheering me on when i felt like dropping out of school
  • brookie, chris, heather, sum, laur, bunting, britty, and the falks for always caring for me
  • my SW bffs..morg and kenz for keeping me sane through 7:30 AM seminar
  • The hours of television watching, crying, chick flicks, impersonations and laughing till my guts hurt with my bestie Ryan Shipley Snow
  • the hours of animal planet marathons with D22
  • that DANG drive i made so many times through the canyon and all the miles i put on Billy and Willy
  • all my old friends i got to know and love @ Williamsburg and the countless hours spent planning those dang activities
  • putting my raft in first dam and sunbathing & fishing
  • countless painfully awkward blind dates
  • Dr. Di for making me graduate when i wanted to drop out last year after my massive heartbreak
  • the words of advice & blessings from various church leaders in times of need
  • all the nights i cried on my moms bed when i was discouraged and the words of encouragement she always gives
  • my dad hugging me before i'd drive back to school and tell me each time how proud he was of me

So long college...
I'll forever be an Aggie!!

Sunday, May 6, 2012

grateful for the iffy things.

i was just reevaluating myself tonight after 4 years away at college....and... this is what i found:

i get really sad sometimes when i have hard things come up in my life. so sad that when im crying, snot runs down my face at a pace that i can't combat. and i juuuust dont care. i still become irrational and angrily throw tissues all over my room in a disgusting matter, even though i'll be embarrassed of my behavior in the morning.

i swear sometimes when its funny, and im sorry im not 100% sorry about that. its funny and i still think im a good person.

i'm not one to quit in relationships. i am not a quitter. i stick around, i work through the crap, because i love the person more than i love the easiness of walking away from a trial. i know how to love, and i'm grateful i know how to love, even when it hurts like hell and i get myself screwed over by caring for someone more than they care for me. (its sort of become a hobby of mine over the years)

i still enjoy sleeping in till at least 11:30. Noon is better, but 1pm is divine. i dont think i'm a bad person because of that! i'll get up early when i have kids, okay!?

heartbreaks have always been and may always be my worst enemies. i feel defeated by them..and i think i've had enough with dating. i'm not bitter against love or anything..i'm just done with them for a long while. donezo, ya hear. done. this heart cannot take anymore ouchies.

i try to progressively become a better person...but i am so far from perfect. SO. FREAKIN. FAR. and i am fully aware of this. i know where i'm at and i know i am finally on the uphill slope to becoming the person i want to be, by doing the right things and living the right way, always. I wish i could thank the person who helped me see this.

i'm indecisive about most major life decisions. wait no im not. yes i am. no wait im not. no wait, yes i am.  its fine.

i have a really bad singing voice. And i'm really bad at every sport in the history of sports.

i failed at excelling in piano, so took up painting last year. its going quite well. i'm sure i'll quit that soon and move onto something else when my attention span for painting quits..meh. its what i do. (dont make me list all the things i've quit in my life. too many. lulz)

i went to college for a husband and came home with a diploma. hahahahahha. no but im serious.

my impersonations and jokes can be quite impeccable if i'm on spot. i mean...guys..they can be really funny sometimes.

i get frustrated with myself, my shortcomings and my life quite often... and then something smacks me in the face and makes me realize i have so much to be grateful for...
i have a family. i have a family who supports me in all that i do. i have caring friends, and a church that is centered on happiness. i have an education and will do great things with what i have learned someday. i have a roof over my head and purified water that comes out of my fridge! i have a bed and sheets and a comfortor and pillows and pillow shams and a BEDSKIRT for crying outloud.
lots of people don't have what i have! whenever my brain is quiet enough to remember this, whatever my heart is aching about hurts a little less.

guys...i know i'm not perfect..there are ridiculous, silly things about me that i have been reluctant to like and even accept about myself.. but you know what? whoever ends up loving me someday, (CROSSING MY FINGERS) will accept and love all the things that are hard for me to love about myself. the things people point out to me that they think are the 'iffy' things...all of these 'iffy' things i have realized about myself... its okay. its who i am. and even if i dont love the 'iffy' things... someone will help me learn to love them i think. i will be worth it enough to that person, to look past my 'iffy' things.

im grateful for what i have. i am grateful i know how to love, and i am grateful for who i am.

Thursday, May 3, 2012

things weighing on my mind.

This week has been hard. hard because of obvious reasons, but hard because of some other things I havent really wanted to think about.

Lately, it seems like too many lives are being cut short.

A sweet boy i went to jr high, highschool and college with passed away a few weeks ago unexpectedly. my heart hurts for his family, his twin, and his friends that were so close to him. That took everyone by surprise and shook up everyone who's lives he touched. Made me realize just how fast life can change...still can't believe it really happened.

And on sunday, a friend i had freshman year of college passed away in a car wreck... and i cant help but keep thinking about how our last, mean conversation went. i badly.. that we hadnt left on such awful terms. we said awful things to each other. i was bugging him...he was bugging me...i wish i could take back what i said 100x over. im not sure if he even remembers or cares that that was the last time we talked...i'm sure he'd laugh if i brought up our mean convo we had 3 whole years ago... but this really opened up my eyes and makes me appreciate everyone in my makes me not want to say a harsh word to anyone EVER..and it made me want to tell the people in my life i love, that i love them. I'm so sorry Chayse.

Tomorrow is my last day of work at the hospital. (mostly i'm just going in to say goodbye to my bosses and cry and hug them.) it has been an amazing year and i am so blessed i got to have the bosses and co-workers i did. i learned SO much about social work, and i know its what i'm really passionate about and what im supposed to do. i want to help new moms quit their drug habit, i want to reach out and give them resources and people who can help them. i want to counsel families who just lost their little babes, and i want to help give adoptive families their new little bundles of joy. i feel like i just got the hang of working there... (i finally even became friends with the verrrrry intimidating charge nurse!! she asked me the other day if we should run a drug screen on a certain mother who had been in prison...i told her i was unsure, and she said, 'youre the social worker, i trust you and i trust your decision.' That kinda blew me away. I'm really sad to be leaving.

Aside from those things.. i'm graduating on Saturday. this is hard for me guys! Saying goodbye to Logan was especially hard. When i walked out of Old Main after my last final, it was the weirdest feeling. I must have taken at least 50 finals in that building the past 4 years. I even had to say goodbye to WALMART late one night! gosh i love that place. haha. im serious. i dont really do well with change. i didnt think i'd graduate high school, and here i am graduating college. its scary...i never thought i'd get this far. and here i am! now what? my plans seem so silly now. I'm going to do the things i love and take this time to be selfish..just for a little bit. I want to become a better person this next year, so i can be a great person when i get blessed with my own family. Thats all i really care about.

I started my new job today in Salt Lake. I'm nannying for 1-year old triplets, and its a great paying job with perfect hours. it will be a good way to make money before grad school... all the boys are so sweet, and coming home with babyfood and baby spit up all over my clothes isnt really half bad. i don't mind it at all. I may get another job, now that my summer plans have pretty much changed..i'd love to be working every waking hour if i could.

I just feel like im ready for certain things in my life right now, that just wont come. And i feel like i have waited long for these things to happen. Am i being dramatic? maybe. but thats how i feel.

but i was reminded of a quote the other day by Elder Holland...bless his heart...

"Some blessings come soon, and some dont come until heaven. But for those who embrace the Gospel of Jesus Christ, they come"

I must have faith that everything will work out for the best.  Because that is my only option.

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Quote of the day

"When it's the one you are going to marry, you can't make a mistake that can't be forgiven, there are no deal breakers, and he will want to be with you more than anything else in the world. He will give up his pride and anything else he has to, to keep you. The feelings won't fade but get stronger everyday. You will find him cause he is looking for you. Just keep praying so you will be on the path he is on. 
It will happen. Soon. "