Thursday, May 24, 2012

conciously regenerating

i have tried desperately to have my heartbreak outcome be different this time.

i do not want to start tearing up everytime someone brings it up. that is pathetic nicole. its been one month, today. get a grip on your life.
i do not want to feel frustration when i go to my job..the job i got to be close to someone who suddenly changed their mind about me. (jumped the gun on that one, didnt we? yikes.)
i do not want to say no to boys who ask me out because im just dreaming up of all the possible reasons they could break my trust.
i do not want to wear sweats for 6 months and not wear makeup for goodness sake!

so i am not going to. i'm deciding today, im going to try my absolute hardest to NOT be what i have become in the past. there is one thing that is different about this time around:
my heart is slowly starting to regenerate, and it is being done conciously.

usually...when i get my heartbroken, my heart regenerates unconciously. a year goes by and i realize that time and only time has healed me. in years past, i go through the motions and slowly every day a little piece of my normal self comes back. a few weeks pass and i start laughing again. a few months pass and im back to hanging out with friends. a few more months pass and i'm okay with dating. and then i realize i can think of that person and not one part of me hurts.

but this time i'm actually trying. i am trying because i need to.
im pleading for help that i will be able to heal quickly.
that i will be able to know what it is i need to learn from this.
and i am trying to make the best decisions for myself right now.
i do not, and will not be the girl from my past who slowly regenerates. it sets me back.

i am so grateful someone came into my life and made me a better person for the short time we had together. (if we ever speak again, i must rememnber to sincerely thank him.) i am grateful in the strangest way that this happened, because this trial in my life has never made me closer before than i am to the only thing that keeps me grounded. (just because i am secretly grateful for this, doesnt mean i am free of the pain i feel whenever i think about it...it still makes me hurt.. but it makes the sting a little bit less.) i have been listening to the BEST talks nonstop....(i highly reccommend it.....especially late at night. those soothing voices put you RIGHT to sleep). I've constantly been on my knees asking for assistance throughout the day...I never hesitate. Why has it taken me this long, to realize that any emotional pain i am suffering has been felt before? (even if its silly pain that comes from heartache). Why didn't i realize that if i am doing the right things and trying my hardest, nothing can permanently go wrong? Where has my faith been all these years?

I have always been so hopeless and devastated after someone i care for leaves my life. it shakes me to the core, and it is so, painfully embarrassing the rate it takes me to recover...because i care so deeply, and am so hurt when all is said and done. it is embarrassing at how much i think about it, how much i replay things over in my head every day and every night...how much i ache for things to have turned out differently. i'm a worrier...and my worriness amplifies to about 200% after heartbreak.

but guess what? i have absolutely nothing to permanently worry about. that is GREAT news.


i deserve to be loved and cared for. i deserve for someone to come along someday, and care for me just as much as i care for them. i deserve for someone to never give up on me, and want to spend forever with me. i deserve for someone to look at all of my flaws, and love me anyway! we all deserve that.

im a pretty okay person.
and i think that a pretty okay person will come along someday, fall in love with me, and i will be so truly grateful that it never worked out with anyone else.

so im raising my fresca glass to CONCIOUSLY trying. putting my whole heart into becoming the person i want to be and know i am!

tears every now and then (but hopefully not too often) because i miss someone i cared for so much it makes my stomach hurt and my heart achey? yes. definitely. (lets shoot for every OTHER day, shall we?)

completely giving up on myself? no.

i am conciously regenerating, growing, learning, and have never been more okay with it.

2 comments:

Rachel Nell said...

This makes me happy. I'm glad you finally figured out what you needed. :) Be strong! I know you can. (And you are definitely more than pretty okay!) I love you, Cole! Here is one of my favorite talks about the atonement: http://byutv.org/watch/49475abb-10d4-4f45-a757-7000b9945468

Robby Spratt said...

I like this post! I especially like the part about someone loving you despite your flaws. I totally agree that this is something that everyone deserves. It will happen!