Wednesday, May 9, 2012

Heartbreak Warfare: A History

Sounds like a book that should be on the shelves of hogwarts. kewl.

everyone who knows me, knows that one of the biggest struggles in my life is DEALING with things. especially when i get my heart ripped out and stomped on by a boy who decides he doesn't care for me anymore. and i i havent learned really how to deal with it. i wish i would. lets revisit the times, shall we? (lets use cool code names to keep things fun). (my friends will enjoy remembering each one of these idiots)

8th and 9th grade: C#1.
i was so very dramatic and was CONVINCED i was supposed to marry my 8th grade sweetheart. barf. we were good friends..he was my first first 'love' and one day he decided that he didnt want my drama anymore, so he dumped me. i wore sweats for an entire year straight, didnt eat food, and listened to 'take my breath away' on repeat while i cried and wrote in my journal everynight. i also thought dying my hair blonde would be a good idea after this heartbreak...which is wasnt.

10th grade: boy A.
after 3 1/2 months of dating, his father suggested that baseball season was more important than having a girlfriend. he dumped me the day of my prom....and in my pictures, my face is so puffy and swollen, it looks like a bowl of mashed potatoes. i went comatose and cried for months, and listened to Avril Lavignes 'i dont give a damn'. i then stalked his myspace every now and then to see the girls he dated after me...and was bitter about him dumping me for a good 2 years. he now is engaged to a beautiful girl.

11th grade: Talmage
what the deuce was a thinking? i wanted a boyfriend desperately that summer to get over boy A...and he wanted a girlfriend. we had fun together, were great friends, and spent a whole summer acting retarded together. (i could get over his old drug habit, right?) he then cheated on me the same day i kissed him goodbye for college. he went SUPER downhill for a while....probably should be dead due to alcohol poisoning when he went nuts at college. he regretted cheating on me for quite some time..but i refused to ever date him again. being cheated on SUCKED. i came home from school everyday and got in bed to sleep. thats all i did, sleep away the image of him cheating on me with his ex girlfriend. i slowly got over it.. but being cheated on once by someone was enough for me to never trust them again. (he has now turned his life around and is happily married. yay for him)

12th grade: Slayer
ohhhh what on this good green earth was i thinking, dating a 16 year old when i was 18? a 16 year old who didn't have his license...had a severe temper problem...a bowl cut.. and wore YUGIO and flannel shirts? TOGETHER!? good heavens i was so upset when he told me he liked someone else. my friends thought i was BAT SHI CRAZY for being so upset that a 16 year old had fallen out of like with me. i really still cant understand why i was so upset about him. he got kicked out of highschool..and heaven only knows where he is today.

Freshman year of college: ChrisTucker
my sister set us up. i liked him, he liked me. we kissed after 10 days of dating. promply after we kissed, he told me he could see us growing old together. i demanded he drive me home out of sheer fright. a month later when he started dating a girl who referred to herself as 'barbie'....i decided i totes was still in like with him and wanted him back. he came over to tell me he didn't like me, and the infamous 'chris tucker' video was made. 'he said he wanna marry me then he said he neva wanna see me again'. my roommates and i spent months deciding why i was a better catch than 'barbie'. thanks guys. he is now happily married...not to barbie.

Sophomore year of college: Cowboy Cassanova
good looking...charming....little snake. we 'dated' for about 2 months...but i was never invited into his house, because his mom said he needed to stop bringing girls over because she would get attached and he would dump them. cool. so basically, he just wanted to make out with me. i spent the holidays with him, and invited him over one night to play games with my family. he dumped me on my living room couch. my mom came downstairs asking if we were ready to play, and i was crying. he said, 'uhhhh should i leave?' yes...he left. and i was heartbroken, over a snake with blue eyes.

Junior year of college: C#2.
Yes, this is C#1's  brother. who i was with for mmmm...about a year and a halfish? we were engaged. my ring was BALLIN! but he was a miserable person to me. i massively got my heart broken and became a dark and twisty individual. my roommates had to buy my groceries for me, and i cut straight across myself. i steadily gained about 20  pounds and was coldstones biotch. i have never been so torn down and depleted than i was after this break up. i wasnt me...i became a person i didn't know. the way i got over it? he broke into my house and read my journal one night months after we had broken up, and the next week he threatened me about something i had written on my blog. i moved and changed my number. i can't believe i was almost married to him.

Senior year of college: Dreamboat
after having a miserable relationship the year before... i was amazed i ran into someone so wonderful. he was dreamy..a genuine boy..had a beautiful voice..and was super sexy too.  i was super hesitant, but felt like it was right to date after struggling a bit with the decision, i let myself. long story short, after a few months, he completely gave up on us...which is ironic, considering our song was 'i wont give up' by jason mraz. he just decided he was done with me one night. i was completely thrown off guard. the pain of being with me outweighed the pain of losing me, and he was okay with it.

 my heart hurts each time i think about him, and each moment i wonder what i could have done differently to change the outcome. was i not pretty enough? not skinny enough? did i say the wrong things? it even crossed my mind..that maybe..just maybe..this would be the last time i ever dated a boy. i thought if i went slow enough..and did everything right..and put my whole heart into caring for him...that i'd be blessed and things may just work out for me. then two weeks ago, outta left field, heartbreak smacked me upside the head. he told me i wasnt what he needed, he didnt want me anymore, and it hurt like hell.

im obviously not coping too awesomely. you think after all the heartbreaks, i'd get the hang of this. well...i havent. the most i eat is one meal a day. (today i ate nothing. WINNING.) i dont know why i am taking this so hard..considering the facts are in: he doesnt want me anymore...he's already dating. and you are sitting in your bed crying. why on earth, would anyone ever want to be with someone who doesnt want them back? PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, GIRL! i feel like smacking myself across the face everytime i remind myself of this. i know this me, and i hate this me. ive spent lots of time with this me. i feel her creeping back into my life, and am trying so hard to combat her. i am praying, reading talks, reading scriptures...doing everything i can to combat the me i hate so much from coming back. i have experienced much harder circumstances with C#2...but for some reason, the pain feels almost the same. why does this pain feel the same? i'm angry with myself for caring so much and thinking after all i'd experienced, that maybe this one would stick. shouldnt i know better by now, to not get my hopes up? i mean I DO HAVE A TRACK RECORD!

im sorry that i'm word vommitting everyone.

i wish i knew what i needed to learn from this. i am extremely discouraged, and i just want my heart to stop being achey. loving and caring for someone, and being told one day that they decide you just really arent what they need? it does a number on the heart. what if my husband wakes up one day and realizes...i'm just not what he needs anymore? i dont think that risk is worth it.

i wish i'd never dated anyone. i dont think the pain i feel is worth it. i would much rather have been lonely for 10 years and never dated a soul, then have gotten my heart repeatedly smashed...repeatedly told i'm not right, not good enough, not this or that.

my biggest desire in life is to just love someone with my whole heart. and have them love me with their whole heart. and have a family together.

i just don't understand right now. and i wish my stupid heartbreak history book didnt exist.


Mindy said...

Maybe the lesson to be learned is keep on keeping on? :) Because you CAN DO IT. I think you might like this quote, love.

“Everywhere in nature we are taught the lessons of patience and waiting. We want things a long time before we get them, and the fact that we want them a long time makes them all the more precious when they come.” ― Joseph F. Smith

Robby Spratt said...

I'm sorry you are going through hard times right now.
Whatever you do, don't let these experiences create doubts about your value or appeal. The thoughts about being pretty enough, or skinny enough, shouldn't even come into play. When you meet the right person, all of those insecurities will disappear, and you will know that they see you with better eyes.
To me, real lasting love brings with it security, and freedom from doubt. When it is right, I don't think you will have to worry about them waking up one day and feeling like they don't need you anymore. Real love would cast aside such doubts.

Reading this post makes me think that you and I have a lot in common in terms of how we deal with relationships.
I don't let go very well.
In fact, I once wrote a blog post entitled "Top Ten: Broken Hearts". Here is a link, in case you want to read it:

A lot of people have the ability to easily detach themselves from relationships, and immediately change how they feel about someone once they break up with them. I can't do that. It appears that neither can you.
I think breakups are harder for people like us, but I don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing.
I think that this inability to let go is a reflection of how deeply we are able to love and care for someone. I think that when we finally do find the right person, our depth of feeling will make our relationships that much better.
And I don't think that a person can ever really get the hang of breaking up. If your feelings for the person are real, then it will hurt each and every time.

It seems clear that you learned something from each guy you dated. I'm sure that in time it will also be clear what you were meant to learn from this most recent relationship as well. However, I don't think the lesson is to not get your hopes up. I think it is perfectly healthy to have hope in a relationship, otherwise, what would be the point?
As for your achey heart, unfortunately that probably just needs time.
Breakups are hard. Just keep going, try to stay positive, and trust that one day, when it really is right, all of this will suddenly seem worth it.
At least that's what people say. I'm not there yet either.
Another thing to consider, is that perhaps having these experiences will better enable you to help other people some day. Perhaps some day in the future, when you have daughters that are dealing with their own heartbreak, you will be able to comfort them because you know how they feel and what they are going through.
It is not unlike how the savior can comfort us.
Sorry if this comment is too long. I just really relate to the sorts of things you described.
Try to cheer up. Things will get better.

Brooke Shoko said...

goodness you know how to write.
this post broke my heart! but it happens to the best of us. Kind of experiencing the same emotion on a lesser scale and saw a quotation that was a helpful reminder (God bless pinterest).

"Our willingness to wait reveals the value we place on the object we're waiting for."

Love you.
Cannot cannot wait to see you.