Sunday, May 6, 2012

grateful for the iffy things.

i was just reevaluating myself tonight after 4 years away at college....and... this is what i found:

i get really sad sometimes when i have hard things come up in my life. so sad that when im crying, snot runs down my face at a pace that i can't combat. and i juuuust dont care. i still become irrational and angrily throw tissues all over my room in a disgusting matter, even though i'll be embarrassed of my behavior in the morning.

i swear sometimes when its funny, and im sorry im not 100% sorry about that. its funny and i still think im a good person.

i'm not one to quit in relationships. i am not a quitter. i stick around, i work through the crap, because i love the person more than i love the easiness of walking away from a trial. i know how to love, and i'm grateful i know how to love, even when it hurts like hell and i get myself screwed over by caring for someone more than they care for me. (its sort of become a hobby of mine over the years)

i still enjoy sleeping in till at least 11:30. Noon is better, but 1pm is divine. i dont think i'm a bad person because of that! i'll get up early when i have kids, okay!?

heartbreaks have always been and may always be my worst enemies. i feel defeated by them..and i think i've had enough with dating. i'm not bitter against love or anything..i'm just done with them for a long while. donezo, ya hear. done. this heart cannot take anymore ouchies.

i try to progressively become a better person...but i am so far from perfect. SO. FREAKIN. FAR. and i am fully aware of this. i know where i'm at and i know i am finally on the uphill slope to becoming the person i want to be, by doing the right things and living the right way, always. I wish i could thank the person who helped me see this.

i'm indecisive about most major life decisions. wait no im not. yes i am. no wait im not. no wait, yes i am.  its fine.

i have a really bad singing voice. And i'm really bad at every sport in the history of sports.

i failed at excelling in piano, so took up painting last year. its going quite well. i'm sure i'll quit that soon and move onto something else when my attention span for painting quits..meh. its what i do. (dont make me list all the things i've quit in my life. too many. lulz)

i went to college for a husband and came home with a diploma. hahahahahha. no but im serious.

my impersonations and jokes can be quite impeccable if i'm on spot. i mean...guys..they can be really funny sometimes.

i get frustrated with myself, my shortcomings and my life quite often... and then something smacks me in the face and makes me realize i have so much to be grateful for...
i have a family. i have a family who supports me in all that i do. i have caring friends, and a church that is centered on happiness. i have an education and will do great things with what i have learned someday. i have a roof over my head and purified water that comes out of my fridge! i have a bed and sheets and a comfortor and pillows and pillow shams and a BEDSKIRT for crying outloud.
lots of people don't have what i have! whenever my brain is quiet enough to remember this, whatever my heart is aching about hurts a little less.

guys...i know i'm not perfect..there are ridiculous, silly things about me that i have been reluctant to like and even accept about myself.. but you know what? whoever ends up loving me someday, (CROSSING MY FINGERS) will accept and love all the things that are hard for me to love about myself. the things people point out to me that they think are the 'iffy' things...all of these 'iffy' things i have realized about myself... its okay. its who i am. and even if i dont love the 'iffy' things... someone will help me learn to love them i think. i will be worth it enough to that person, to look past my 'iffy' things.

im grateful for what i have. i am grateful i know how to love, and i am grateful for who i am.

1 comment:

Amylee said...

Swearing is funny sometimes. I'm glad I'm not the only one that embraces this.