Monday, May 28, 2012

stretching my soul

i have not had the hardest life possible.
i am 22, pretty healthy, and have not experienced much hardship in my blessed life.
i have a good family...good friends..was blessed enough to get an education..i live in a good place.

but i have experienced enough to know that i will never let anyone make me feel like i would be a better person if i was not completely myself. let me explain:

i have my set of problems and struggles, just like anyone else out there.
i have seen the bitter side of lonely, hurt and frustration.
i have been repeatedly and comically left by friends and boyfriends which has made me wallow in my own tears and ask repeatedly 'why me'.
being 'left' has probably been one of my biggest struggles the past few years, because i always take it so personally.
i have had many people change their minds about my worth.
i've had an extra glimpse of sadness, due to the mental struggles i have been granted on this earth.
i have been  prisoner to my own mind at times- and have been absolutely ashamed of it since i can remember.

i know what its like to wake up and not want to get up...i know what its like to want to stay asleep because that seems so much better than real life. i know what its like to wish away my days! i have felt all those things far too often for how young i am and how great of life i have...i know this.

and after some experiences, and struggles, and learning, i know i do not want to spend my life with someone who deems me 'crazy' or someone who throws in the towel when things get hard. i do not want to be with someone that i have to hide my problems from, cover my struggles, or pretend that there isnt a part of me that isnt what they prefer. what kind of life is that? i have not given up on myself after all these years, i do not plan on giving up, and the last person i need is someone who will give up on me.

this is me. im far from perfect. but i am done hiding parts of myself and selling myself short, so i can please others. i am a good person... and i am humbly learning the ins and outs of life. i am not my struggles. i am not my mind and my emotions and my bad days. those things reside in the smallest part of my heart. there is so much more that is full of so much good.

i am growing and strengthening myself, and stretching my soul. and it hurts and aches...but i know its what i need.

and i feel so achey and grateful all at the same time. is that possible? i think it is.


Robby Spratt said...

Those are some wise words that I think apply to everyone. We all struggle with things, and none of us are perfect; but the people we choose to spend our lives with should love us in spite of our imperfections. I like the thought that a spouse should have more faith in us than we sometimes have in ourselves.

Christy said...

boom, roasted.