Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Sunday, September 23, 2012

forgiveness & pride

I've been thinking lately about forgiveness. People usually forgive people... they know how. They have forgiven others for the UNTHINKABLE... People have forgiven others for taking away their loved ones life. People have forgiven others for purposely RUINING their lives! So why can't I forgive the people who only purposefully tried to hurt me? Threatened me? Manipulated me? Emotionally messed me up for YEARS and sent me straight into therapy? I dont trust trust people now. I have a serious fear of abandonment and it ruins some of my relationships. I know feeling these things are my choice..but this person kickstarted it. Maybe thats just an excuse.. I don't know.

I can forgive someone I love for telling me I'm not good enough for them..But I can't forgive someone I dont love for all the pain they purposely put me through to tear me down and have control over me. Why? Am I prideful? Am I just a bad person who is full of stubbornness?

I've always felt like in my heart, I'm a forgiving person. I always liked to believe that about myself I guess. I say I forgive them, but I guess I haven't gotten there yet no matter how much I want to. I feel their apologies fake and their threats to emitionally and physically hurt me can NOT be taken back. I'm so mad because when I'm in contact with them, all they do is apologize and I'm angry that both good and bad feelings are surfacing for this person because they are apologizing. How messed up is that? It confuses me and makes me so mad at myself and at them! And I never get angry. If ever I'm angry, it turns to sadness and I literally weep my heart out...like a child. I feel like good feelings are worse than bad feelings for those who've hurt me. And I know that's wrong.. But in this situation.. I know it's the only way to protect me. it makes me worried I'm not over the situation if I haven't forgiven them.. And that makes me sick. Does that make sense??

I feel like I'm a traitor to my heart if I talk to this person and even allow them in my thoughts! I have conditioned my mind so much to stay away. But how can I forgive someone, if I feel like I'm being a traitor to my own heart? Does that make me an awful, terrible person?

Do I not know how to forgive? Christ forgives me everyday for not being who I promise to be,  not measuring up to who I want to be, and forgives me for making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. He forgives me with mercy when I plead on my knees for not being who he knows i can be.

I'm scared of having kind thoughts towards someone awful and forgiving them naively just to let them possibly tear me down with their words. Defense mechanism? I dont know. Are their apologies sincere? Would they still do this again over and over to me because that is just in their character to hurt people? Yes.  I know I'm rambling...I just know I need to forgive this person, but I know being in contact with them is so incredibly toxic and makes me absolutely hate myself. It makes me miserable, actually. I feel tortured inside because I want to move on with a peaceful conscience knowing I am able to forgive.

How do I forgive someone who i let nearly destroyed me? I guess i will stay away, but forgive slowly and forget slowly.

SOS for heavenly guidance to help my prideful heart.

Friday, September 21, 2012

what made my day

1. You know that side blog i have..the one where i jot down my rude mental letters to people? i'm just so happy that this  happened...does that make me a sick person? Literally, i can't stop laughing for some reason.

2. I got food poisoning and lost 4 pounds. aside from wanting to die from uncontrollable puking...im sort of REALLY stoked that i'll be able to fit into my pants now sans muffin-top. skinny jeans here i come! *success*

3. The mountains are EXPLODING with fall color! the colors are full of serotonin i think. reds and yellows and oranges and beautimous beautimous smells of autumnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! (Leisel shouts of joy)

4. and on a different note, here are 3 memes to make you lol.

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Sunday, September 16, 2012

Doulas, births, babies, moms and MEEEE

I recently took a doula training course by the international Doula association.
WTF is a doula? and why does it have such a funny name?

Pregnant woman in flowers vector
A doula is a trained labor support person. They are there to coach the mom through breathing techniques, help the mother with pain relieving positions, act as a buffer between mom and nurses/doctors...encourage mom and partner through the birth...massage and comfort mom...inform mom about the body's birthing process..educating mom about her choices, rights, effect of medicines and interventions...make sure moms birth plan is being carried through, and most of all, caring for the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of a laboring woman. Doulas can be used for medical assisted births (hospital or epidural) or home births. Overall, they are there to mother the mother.

so BASICALLY, they pamper the heck out of your pregnant, laboring, and sometimes cranky ay-ess-ess. And we LOVE it!
(and i have no idea why the name is so funny sounding. i think its greek. doula doula doula)

I used to think doulas were for hippies. which, they kinda sound like they are in a way. But they also are there for support. They are there to help. A woman's body is made for carrying a child for 9 months and giving labor. and sometimes they NEED comfort from someone who can help guide them through this.

Was i one of the only ones in my class who believed in hospitals and doctors and epidurals? you bet your butt. Which is FINE. But i also believe a woman should be able to choose what makes her most comfortable for laboring..and that may be laboring at home or in a birth center..no matter what i believe. Whatever works for YOU, works for a doula.

I dont plan on being some weird lady who dances around pregnant ladies and making them do 'hee hee hoo' breathing their whole birth for heavens sake. I just want to be part of the experience and making sure they feel loved and supported in such an important time in their life. I dont take the place of the husband or partner or support person at all. I help THEM help MOM.

I'm really excited for this and can't wait to start being a doula for family and friends. I'm not charging anything as i start out and dont know if i ever will. I love babies, and pregnancy, and birth. I just really wanna be THERE for women if they are scared, have anxiety about pain, and just need someone to hold their hand.

SO.... that being said. If you or anyone you know would like to get more info about this or would like ME or OTHER doulas in your area to talk to if your eggo is preggo, please let me know! Comment below with your e-mail address and I will totes give you referrals or more information about it.


Thursday, September 13, 2012


Christys pops flew me across the country to spend time with his darling daughter/drive 29 hours home with her to Utah.

Things i learned from the south:
Accept kindness. They are genuine, not creepy.
Rides in off roading vehicles are funner when you put your arms up and make cartoon noises
People are serious there about their mini golfing...and go karts?
Smoky mountains are BEAUTY!
Midnight lumberjacking competitions are real life.
Ziplining is 1/5 scary and 4/5 fun.
Screaming at random intervals during a roadtrip is funny/scary
Nashville is ADORBZ.
Kansas sucks
Beyonce rocks.

Sooo....this happened. And it was totes fun. kthxbai


Sunday, September 2, 2012

Dear Husband,

I found this song this weekend.. 
And it reminds me of you. 
Please come find me soon, k?

Your wife