Sunday, September 23, 2012

forgiveness & pride

I've been thinking lately about forgiveness. People usually forgive people... they know how. They have forgiven others for the UNTHINKABLE... People have forgiven others for taking away their loved ones life. People have forgiven others for purposely RUINING their lives! So why can't I forgive the people who only purposefully tried to hurt me? Threatened me? Manipulated me? Emotionally messed me up for YEARS and sent me straight into therapy? I dont trust trust people now. I have a serious fear of abandonment and it ruins some of my relationships. I know feeling these things are my choice..but this person kickstarted it. Maybe thats just an excuse.. I don't know.

I can forgive someone I love for telling me I'm not good enough for them..But I can't forgive someone I dont love for all the pain they purposely put me through to tear me down and have control over me. Why? Am I prideful? Am I just a bad person who is full of stubbornness?

I've always felt like in my heart, I'm a forgiving person. I always liked to believe that about myself I guess. I say I forgive them, but I guess I haven't gotten there yet no matter how much I want to. I feel their apologies fake and their threats to emitionally and physically hurt me can NOT be taken back. I'm so mad because when I'm in contact with them, all they do is apologize and I'm angry that both good and bad feelings are surfacing for this person because they are apologizing. How messed up is that? It confuses me and makes me so mad at myself and at them! And I never get angry. If ever I'm angry, it turns to sadness and I literally weep my heart a child. I feel like good feelings are worse than bad feelings for those who've hurt me. And I know that's wrong.. But in this situation.. I know it's the only way to protect me. it makes me worried I'm not over the situation if I haven't forgiven them.. And that makes me sick. Does that make sense??

I feel like I'm a traitor to my heart if I talk to this person and even allow them in my thoughts! I have conditioned my mind so much to stay away. But how can I forgive someone, if I feel like I'm being a traitor to my own heart? Does that make me an awful, terrible person?

Do I not know how to forgive? Christ forgives me everyday for not being who I promise to be,  not measuring up to who I want to be, and forgives me for making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. He forgives me with mercy when I plead on my knees for not being who he knows i can be.

I'm scared of having kind thoughts towards someone awful and forgiving them naively just to let them possibly tear me down with their words. Defense mechanism? I dont know. Are their apologies sincere? Would they still do this again over and over to me because that is just in their character to hurt people? Yes.  I know I'm rambling...I just know I need to forgive this person, but I know being in contact with them is so incredibly toxic and makes me absolutely hate myself. It makes me miserable, actually. I feel tortured inside because I want to move on with a peaceful conscience knowing I am able to forgive.

How do I forgive someone who i let nearly destroyed me? I guess i will stay away, but forgive slowly and forget slowly.

SOS for heavenly guidance to help my prideful heart.

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