Wednesday, July 2, 2014

Friday, March 7, 2014

One more little thing...

I forgot to tell you little readers, (if I even have any anymore)....please let me  just be a teenage girl for a moment:

I'm in love with an amazing boy. And guess what! He loves me back. Flaws and all.  Emotional, crazy, stressed, inappropriate ME. He loves ME right back.  How lucky is that? That two people can love each other back?

I dated him once a few years ago, and  I guess he decided  that second times a charm. He's the dreamboat I've always compared every guy to...and blogged about wanting him to get married so I could move on. (Pathetic? Yes. Do I regret  holding on? No.)

So...having my dreamboat comeback? It's more than I could have ever asked for.  I'm enjoying getting butterflies and giggling every time he says those meaningful words to me. It's truly more than I could have ever dreamed of. I realize that sounds disgustingly cheesy, but i don't care. Because it's the wonderful truth. I'm giving Disney a run for their money here. 

I adore him and our story. We'll see where things go. For now, I'm enjoying every day I get with that sweet, kind boy.

Here's to good men in the world: *CHEERS*

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

Hi again


Mostly...I am happy.

I am still a social worker in slc, and living close to work. its awesome...but I still am late for my morning everyday at 8:30. because what normal human gets up at 8:30 in the morning anyway?

Work is hard. the ratio of good days to stressful crazy days is like... 1:7.
But that 1 day is worth it.

Today I taught one of my classes and focused it all on Les Mis and the change Jean Valjean went through...and it was super beautiful and super amazing. I had the women do a timeline/lifemap of their lives before treatment...
"my parents died."
"I got abused"
"I went to jail"
"I started smoking"
"I was charged with armed robbery"
"I got pregnant and lost the baby"
"I started smoking meth"
"My family member got murdered"
"I tried crack"
"I went to prison"

...these are the things they put on their lifemaps.

And then, I had them do their future lifemaps. If they choose a life of change..if they make the choice to have the motivation to BE someone like Jean Valjean and refuse to let their past hold them back..and stay sober...they can have anything they want.
The maps went like this:
"Get my daughter back"
"Get a stable job"
"Raise my children"
"Get married to a healthy man"
"Start my own business"
"Travel to Europe"
"Go to my son's high school graduation"
"Hug my grandkids"
"Become a motivational speaker"

I told them they could do all of those things.
Because they can.
And if they stay sober, they will.

Friday, October 4, 2013

Fresh new start

I've been living in California the past 8 months and I just moved home about a month ago because I decided it was time to stop nannying, and use my degree while I can. Time to grow up...yaknowwhatimean?

I'm a social worker at a drug and alcohol rehab center for women. Its really stressful..but also really rewarding. I'm exhausted everyday and cry a lot.. haha. But once I get used to it, things will be better! :)

Most of the women are prisoners and are court ordered for treatment. Some are homeless. Some are felons who were turned in by their family.
I see a lot of craaaaaaaaazy stuff everyday.... And everyday I realize that stupid decisions can change the course of your life forever. Most of these women are trying to get their children back from state custody, and its heartbreaking. The thing is... is that these are good, normal, everyday women who have just made bad choices...who have given up their free agency to a SUBSTANCE. A THING!

I'm seeing a lot of things in a different light lately.
And I've seen women absolutely change the course of their lives.
I've learned that anything is possible if you make up your mind to do it.
If you  make up your mind that heroin and meth and cocaine make you happy? youll keep using until it kills you.
If you make up your mind that your babies that are waiting for you to get clean are the most important thing? You can stay clean.


I'm living in Kaysville and commuting to work, which blows. I need to get my own place in slc soon. I'm pretty lonely...because work is hard and tiring annnnnnd people have lives and are busy. I come home everyday, take a bath, and go to bed. Sometimes I second guess moving home. and then I get mad at myself and wonder what would have happened had I stayed in California.
But that's just the loneliness talking I think. I hope.

I'm still single. I never thought i'd be.
boys aren't really interested in dating me. friends? yes. dating? no. they 'aren't ready to get married...or are in love with someone else...or are too busy.'
Its prettyyyyyyyy frustrating.
 Lonely sometimes..beause I ache to have a family of my own...but i'm doing okay.
Things will be okay if I do my part.

life can never be planned for. never never ever never.

Monday, July 1, 2013

I guess i've been busy life...I've been keeping busy I guess...

...I've just been doing the normal Mormon-girl equivalent of summer sales... BEING A NANNY. I've been graduated for a year and still haven't started a career. WOOP WOOP. lolz. but seriously, being a nanny is just like being a fake mom..and I love it.

I'm not dating anyone. I'm afraid of dating because I fall super fast and the idiots I fall for are REALLY bad at catching me. Like... Hellen-Keller-in-the-outfield-on-a-rainy-day-bad-at-catching-me.

I HEARD....that some girl called the cops on her crazy ex 6 months ago and she hasn't heard from him since. She also heard through the grapevine that he is indeed engaged again...this time, to a girl he met on facebook. (5th times the charm I hear!)  BAZZINGA!!! (but seriously, rounds of applause and a chorus of angels singing 'hallelujah')

I cried at one of my best friend's weddings the other day.  It really was the craziest thing..cuz it wasn't when she came out of the temple.. not when she hugged me.. none of that. It was when her husband led her out onto the dance floor and they had their first dance together. She was mouthing the words to him while they looked at each other, and they both were absolutely beaming with pure JOY. My eyes literally could not stop tearing up. I was holding a friends baby and had to look down at the babes adorable chubby face to blink away the tears before my friends came back to the table. I just... cannot fathom loving someone so much, that I will want to spend not only my life with them, but my forever with them as well. And I especially can't imagine THEM wanting that with ME. I can't imagine any of it!! Isn't that silly?

I'm still a doula but only really do births for my friends...I love being a part of something so amazing...and I can't wait for the day I get to be a mom. Seeing all my friends become mothers has given me a lot to look forward to...and seeing all my friends become mothers has also definitely made my faith grow about Heavenly Fathers timeline for me. It has been a humbling experience to say the least. But much joy does it bring me to see my friends bring their very own brand new babes into the world? A ZILLION JOYS ON THE JOY SCALE!!

Oh and when I'm bored? Me and my little sister think we are hilarious so we make vines and lol our butts off in the middle of the night. (shout out to you, chelleybean)

I'm just busy being 23 and freaking out about not knowing where my life is going......and then realizing every other day that I'll probably never know where its going till I get there. I always thought I'd be in a completely different place in my life than where I'm actually at right now. I'm as far away from that place than I could ever be! But still hoping and working towards getting there. We'll see. Not planning on having my plans work out...because plans never do seem to work out, do they?

Sunday, June 30, 2013


OH HAI. Am I on your newsfeed again?

well la-dee-da.

oh ps my sister just informed me that in two hours no one will be reading this because of googles idiotic choice to ex-communicate all followers from all blogs everywhere...OF COURSE ITS THE DAY I COME BACK TO maybe none of you will read this. but if you do....

ummmm. add me on bloglovin'?


Wednesday, March 27, 2013

the gay stuff.

i know everyone is posting their opinion about gay rights and what not...and i am too. hey-o. but mostly this is for me, to figure out how i feel about the whole thing. stop reading now if you don't wanna hear confused jabber of a 23 year old on things i don't understand.

first of all, im a mormon with a strong testimony of the gospel and believe in marriage between a man and a woman. it is sacred and God designed it that way so we could take part in the creation of babes so they could come to the earth to experience their test. We are given the opportunity to CREATE..and that is ONLY possible through a man and a woman. a weewee and a hooha. IM SORRY BUT ITS TRUE. joking aside, it is a divine power given to us. a gay couple cannot create babes. yes they can adopt...(which i also feel strongly about because i was a hospital social worker and saw a lot of couples neglect and abuse their babies..and i think a gay couple who loves and cares for their child is OBVIOUSLY better than a straight couple abusing their kids. thats me at least.)

i also have gay friends and accquaintances. i never really did until a few years ago..and when i started to love them- i started to understand on a deeper level how unfair it is that people treat them the way they do.. If anyone EVER crossed any one of my friends who are homosexual, i'd be livid. if they discriminated against them or did anything to harm would hurt me as well, just like anyone else hurting a friend who is different would affect me and i'd wanna throat punch them. its not fair for one person to treat another person wrongly, no matter what. bullying and discrimination is wrong.

i believe that people of a different sexual orientation should be allowed many of the things that are being denied to them right now. joint visits to see their partner...being able to be a part of the estate in their partners will...etc. i don't think those things should be denied.

and then we get to marriage. because i support rights of these HUMANS-just like us- doesn't mean i support the marriage part. its tough..because if i supported the marriage part..the right to legally be bound to your partner...i personally feel that would be blatantly going against my belief in the sanctity of marriage between a man and a woman. i dont think denying legal marriage to a same sex couple is an awful thing.....they can still be together. but i can understand how they feel discriminated against. but...if i supported gay marriage, i would be supporting the lifestyle that is counseled to stay away from by the church i love. it KINDA would be like me supporting a woman who is trying to make it legal in our church for girls to have the priesthood.
no. don't get me started on that because that IS an issue and it makes me crazy.
anyway, if i supported gay marriage, it would be disrespectful to Heavenly Father....because what he says...goes. no questions asked. in my mind, that is the final answer.

my belief of not letting gay people marry each other isnt a strong belief of taking away rights from someone. its a strong belief of heavenly fathers counsel about marriage between a man and a woman.

i may get ridiculed for these statements...thats okay. thats the thing. I have been hesitant to voice my feelings on this, because no matter what i say, someone isnt going to like it. its going to be wrong in someones eyes. isnt it hard to say how you feel, without possibly offending someone or coming off the wrong way?
its hard. FRICK.
i'm probs going to offend at least one person and the worth of my character may be tarnished because I feel like the government shouldn't change what our forefathers fought for...they were men of God. they wanted people to be treated equally...but were men of God and believed in the institution of marriage between a man and a woman.

I am not saying gay individuals cannot be 'men of god' or unspiritual or anything like that. no way jose! i believe being gay is both nature/nurture. mostly nature, and nurturing those feelings moves their lifestyle choices along.  

i feel really strongly about gay mormons....we believe it is their trial in this life, and they are encouraged to keep coming to church, fight those urges, and stay celibate...because THIS is their trial. this is their test. how hard would that be? it would be extremely difficult. it makes me ache to know that they may feel trapped and lonely and won't be able to have the companionship that they TRULY desire. its hard for me. i dont think anyone should be lonely and not feel love and companionship and that makes me wanna CRYYYYYYY. thats a lot of years facing one trial...and feeling alone. and being counseled to not act on your desires from your church leaders you love. but people follow that counsel. and they get through it, and live happy lives.

Heavenly Father knows best. i dont understand why people would argue with that. many of my mormon friends support gay marriage..and i don't really know why, other than the conviction of not taking away rights from others. for me, i couldn't be okay with that because the church is firm and clear about what we believe. but i dont judge my mormon friends for believing that. thats their belief. everyone is entitled to that.

all i know, is everyone should RESPECT and love each other, no matter what their sexual orientation is. Homosexual people should not be ridiculed, hurt, bullied, etc because guess what.. you dont know what its like. you don't know how it feels. and neither do i.

what do i know? im a straight mormon girl with my own views and opinions..and i stand by my beliefs.
so..yes im traditional. but that doesnt mean i'm an awful person for believing that only a man and a woman should be married...because thats the whole point of life. so many of us traditional people are being ridiculed. it sucks.

i dont wanna open a can of worms. so pleeeeeeease dont comment a debate. these are just my thoughts.


it doesn't make sense to me any other way.

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

picture overload!

smiling at my nephew all day, holding hands and watching grey's anatomy, meeting up with friends in sf (no, that boy is not my boyfriend)....winning tickets to wicked, hiking to lookouts of the golden gate, and enjoying the coast.

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bay Area livin!

okay so.... i dont have a laptop. because i am poor. so this is why i never blog. but i CAN mooch off my sisters lappy late at i'm gonna try to blog more often. its also nice because i can finally actually say where i am and what im doing without being scared i'm gonna be confronted out of the blue by a crazy person.

SOOOOO: my life.....
im in danville watching my adorbs nephew..and he is the best. everyday i love him more and more. the sun here is boosts my mood like you wouldnt believe. layin by the pool in january is like... jigga whaaaat! also, there are a lot of rich people here. when i go on walks, i see everyone driving like.. mercedes and jaguires and im like..heyyy i drive an oshkosh stroller whadduppppp

i went to dinner with a friend on friday..and it was so nice to have a social life again! he is adorable. and hilarious. and afterwards we went to a YSA regional activity and lolled our butts off. i think i'm gonna do that more often.

on saturday i explored San Fransisco with beana and was unreal. blue skies, 65 was an instant dose of happy.

our day consisted of:

-driving with the windows down on the bay bridge looking at allll the sailboats in the bay
-going to treasure island and seeing the whole city
-getting some clam chowder in bread bowls at the wharf... (saw live crabs at the resturant and it freaked me right out)
-went to go see the disgusting barking seals soaking up the rays on pier 39
-drove through china town during chinese new year!
-saw all the adorbs shops in little italy
-went to ocean beach and sat on the dunes and listened to the waves. heaven.
-hiked up a little trail at mile rock beach to the beautiful look out spots
-went to union square and went in Saks 5th avenue for the first time ever..never felt so poor in my life.... (found a dress on sale for 3500 dollars. kewl.)
-ate at an authentic viatnamese place in the city and had Pho for the first time. (pronnounced fuh, so you can imagine how much fun i had saying it to the waitress)
-walked around the little shops at reminded me so much of new york
-saw sooo many streetside performers (and smelled a lot of weed)
-made our way over to girhidelli square at night for dessert. it was amazing

pictures to come.

over and out, readers.

Sunday, January 6, 2013


it was my birfday a few days ago.

i went to dinner wif some friends and got awesome prezzzents. i even got lots of presents from me to me...because i can. such as... a ring..and a new outfit..and a zillion phone cases...and crap. i thanked myself too.

im grateful for my family and friends who care about me...being back in utah for a few weeks has been such a blessing!

im buying a car this week and feeling super awesome about it.

i got rejected from grad school aaaaand now idk what im doing with my life. i hope something good is around the corner. PLEASE bless something good is around the corner for me.

i also hate blind dates.


Thursday, January 3, 2013


my sister introduced me to a site called

i died. i hope you rofl as hard as i did:

Talking to my mom on the phone

What I feel like doing most days

When I make fun New Years Eve plans

When I’m watching a movie & one of the characters dies

If it’s a person:

If it’s an animal:

When my doorbell rings and I wasn’t expecting anybody

Sitting down to take an exam

My classmates:


When someone hot walks into the room

Spotting my crush

When I’m sober:

When I’m not:

When I run into my ex

In front of him:
As soon as he’s out of sight:

When I hear good gossip

How I feel about grades

During the semester:

When I see that they’re posted online:

When I get out of work at 6pm and it’s pitch black

When I haven’t heard from my ex and then he texts me out of nowhere

When I park illegally and don’t get a ticket

...i could go on for days, but its 3:30 in the morning.
i have a feeling i will be posting these regularly.
goodnight world.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

to wait.

all my friends are expecting a baby.
and this is embarrassing...but i'm so incredibly jealous.
can I just explain for a minute?

that green monster inside of me is jealous, and it is such an ugly color for me to wear. blegh. I hate it.

now hold up, i'm SO happy for you!!! (livvy, lauren, KP, val, kels, kiley...etc.the rest of my high school....the whole world...etc..) haha I SWEAR. I cannot wait for you to hold that baby in your arms, because I can only imagine how much joy it brings you. you are SO lucky. so lucky!! hold that baby tight and take in every smile that baby gives you. you guys... are so, incredibly lucky. you have a husband to care for you and stand beside you...a marriage be involved in and strive for everyday...and are creating life inside of you. that is AMAZING.

im not jealous in a mean way. im jealous in an achey I wish I was in your shoes because ive wanted it for so long kinda way. im praying it will go away...but its been lingering around the corners of my brain for a little while and is showing up more and more often.

I turn 23 in a few days.
once I hit 21.....I started wishing the years would go backwards for me. I still feel like im that emotional little 14 year old girl though. I actually still am.... I still write in my journal about boys, I still curl my hair if I wanna impress a certain boy, I still play games and do all that immature crap.
its maddening. that's probably why no one has wanted to marry me yet, because I dont know how to date and have the mentality of a 14 year old. hahahha.

JEALOUSY is maddening. my kind of jealousy is a sad jealousy. its not mean or evil or anything like that. its the sit-in-my-bed-and-silently-sulk kinda jealousy. I still get upset when an ex boyfriend gets engaged for crying out loud. I stalk their engagement photos and am just so.. jealous. im like... 'wtf nice ring...why didn't you pick me!?!?'

I know people say you need to be happy where you are at in life. but I have been wanting to be married and hold a babe in my arms since I was 3 feet tall. anyone who knows me, knows im serious. each year I get left behind. each year I get my heart broken and I fall to pieces and I swear i'll never be in a relationship again....but it gets harder to want that in fear i'll never get my own family.

watching my friends have babies...holding their hand while they are going into labor..capturing the moment on camera of mama sobbing out of pure joy when she sees her precious little babes face for the first gets to me. it makes me cry happy tears. it would get to anyone sooner or later I think...but its been slowly getting to me piece by piece.

anyone who is living my dream knows it hurts me to sit back and watch them live it. because I've wanted it for over a decade. I've wanted it so badly, more than anyone could know. this is why im here. I've been a wife and mother in training since I was 3 years old! I used to pretend to be pregnant and make my cousin deliver my babydoll under my shirt for heavens sake. in the 4th grade I had a sleeping beauty and prince charming figurine I would wind up and make dance on my desk all through reading time because I dreamed of having a husband to be my life companion when I grew up. in the 7th grade during theater I would plan my wedding..i would take out binder paper and draw my dress, and hairstyle, and flowers, and what temple, and I would fake write the announcement out. and then me and my friends would swap and write in our crushes name. I mean seriously guys. this is embarrassing, but this is me. this is who I am and who ive been and who I've always wanted to be.

it takes me about a year to get over my bitter hating relationships thing after i get dumped..and im about there. i want to date and fall in love and be married. i would like to have a boy who actually wants me back, and that i can waste my nights with, because the smallest idea of thinking...maybe this is such an exhilarating moment for anyone... but especially for me. im scared I wont get married for a LONG time..and then by the time I do, weddings and babies will be old news. the excitement will die down, because who wants to go support an old friend 5 years down the road when they have kids to take to soccer practice and dinner to get on the table?

"Nicole, youre young, bla bla, it will happen, don't rush" hurts. it sounds so stupid and silly, but im serious when I say it hurts because I am impatient, and thought my life would be so different right now. and on my most selfish days, I wonder why everyone gets my dreams but me.

I don't know if everyone is taking this as a joke, but its kinda like i'm grieving for the life I wanted.. that im watching everyone I love live out. I pray for it..i weep for it..i sit in my bed day after day and dream about it.  even though this is all silly and pathetic for you to read...for me it has been really hard to write out. because its so honest.

im just worried. and scared. and jealous. its embarrassing I feel this way. how selfish of me! I can't believe how selfish this post it. I need to not be sad.
and I know I need to not be..because i was promised it would happen someday...and everything will fall into place...someday. whether i'm 23 or 25 or 28 or 31 or 34 or 37.

but it is so much easier said than done, to wait.