Wednesday, December 26, 2012

to wait.

all my friends are expecting a baby.
and this is embarrassing...but i'm so incredibly jealous.
can I just explain for a minute?

that green monster inside of me is jealous, and it is such an ugly color for me to wear. blegh. I hate it.

now hold up, i'm SO happy for you!!! (livvy, lauren, KP, val, kels, kiley...etc.the rest of my high school....the whole world...etc..) haha I SWEAR. I cannot wait for you to hold that baby in your arms, because I can only imagine how much joy it brings you. you are SO lucky. so lucky!! hold that baby tight and take in every smile that baby gives you. you guys... are so, incredibly lucky. you have a husband to care for you and stand beside you...a marriage be involved in and strive for everyday...and are creating life inside of you. that is AMAZING.

im not jealous in a mean way. im jealous in an achey I wish I was in your shoes because ive wanted it for so long kinda way. im praying it will go away...but its been lingering around the corners of my brain for a little while and is showing up more and more often.

I turn 23 in a few days.
once I hit 21.....I started wishing the years would go backwards for me. I still feel like im that emotional little 14 year old girl though. I actually still am.... I still write in my journal about boys, I still curl my hair if I wanna impress a certain boy, I still play games and do all that immature crap.
its maddening. that's probably why no one has wanted to marry me yet, because I dont know how to date and have the mentality of a 14 year old. hahahha.

JEALOUSY is maddening. my kind of jealousy is a sad jealousy. its not mean or evil or anything like that. its the sit-in-my-bed-and-silently-sulk kinda jealousy. I still get upset when an ex boyfriend gets engaged for crying out loud. I stalk their engagement photos and am just so.. jealous. im like... 'wtf nice ring...why didn't you pick me!?!?'

I know people say you need to be happy where you are at in life. but I have been wanting to be married and hold a babe in my arms since I was 3 feet tall. anyone who knows me, knows im serious. each year I get left behind. each year I get my heart broken and I fall to pieces and I swear i'll never be in a relationship again....but it gets harder to want that in fear i'll never get my own family.

watching my friends have babies...holding their hand while they are going into labor..capturing the moment on camera of mama sobbing out of pure joy when she sees her precious little babes face for the first gets to me. it makes me cry happy tears. it would get to anyone sooner or later I think...but its been slowly getting to me piece by piece.

anyone who is living my dream knows it hurts me to sit back and watch them live it. because I've wanted it for over a decade. I've wanted it so badly, more than anyone could know. this is why im here. I've been a wife and mother in training since I was 3 years old! I used to pretend to be pregnant and make my cousin deliver my babydoll under my shirt for heavens sake. in the 4th grade I had a sleeping beauty and prince charming figurine I would wind up and make dance on my desk all through reading time because I dreamed of having a husband to be my life companion when I grew up. in the 7th grade during theater I would plan my wedding..i would take out binder paper and draw my dress, and hairstyle, and flowers, and what temple, and I would fake write the announcement out. and then me and my friends would swap and write in our crushes name. I mean seriously guys. this is embarrassing, but this is me. this is who I am and who ive been and who I've always wanted to be.

it takes me about a year to get over my bitter hating relationships thing after i get dumped..and im about there. i want to date and fall in love and be married. i would like to have a boy who actually wants me back, and that i can waste my nights with, because the smallest idea of thinking...maybe this is such an exhilarating moment for anyone... but especially for me. im scared I wont get married for a LONG time..and then by the time I do, weddings and babies will be old news. the excitement will die down, because who wants to go support an old friend 5 years down the road when they have kids to take to soccer practice and dinner to get on the table?

"Nicole, youre young, bla bla, it will happen, don't rush" hurts. it sounds so stupid and silly, but im serious when I say it hurts because I am impatient, and thought my life would be so different right now. and on my most selfish days, I wonder why everyone gets my dreams but me.

I don't know if everyone is taking this as a joke, but its kinda like i'm grieving for the life I wanted.. that im watching everyone I love live out. I pray for it..i weep for it..i sit in my bed day after day and dream about it.  even though this is all silly and pathetic for you to read...for me it has been really hard to write out. because its so honest.

im just worried. and scared. and jealous. its embarrassing I feel this way. how selfish of me! I can't believe how selfish this post it. I need to not be sad.
and I know I need to not be..because i was promised it would happen someday...and everything will fall into place...someday. whether i'm 23 or 25 or 28 or 31 or 34 or 37.

but it is so much easier said than done, to wait.


morgan said...

i think that when someone you care about it sad, and you don't have anything to say to make it better, the best thing you can do for them is to "hold space." so, while there's nothing i (or anyone else...) can say, i'm holding space for you, boo.

love you. miss you.

Lauren said...

Why haven't I seen this until now?! Oh, I love you. And guess what? When you get married and have babies, it will NEVER be old news to me. That will probably be the third most exciting day of my life. No joke. I want it for you almost as bad as you want it for yourself. I can't wait to see who he is.. and see how happy you are. The suspense of it all is killing me too!! COME NOW PLEASE.
lOve you forever

Brookette said...

It will be never old news to me. I can't wait for you either but we'll both have to. Take heart babe. Love you.

The Bowen Family said...

This made me sad to read. Never old news, seriously. And when you are a momma, you'll be the best! It's good to be happy with what you have, but I think it is good to be sad sometimes too.