Heart vomit

Okay soooo. I finally feel okay saying this pathetic heart vomit crap. Here goes.

This one time, a while back, I dated a dreamboat. I've written about dreamboat before... It was the first boy I dated after crazy pants, and he seriously was perfect... ok not perfect. I THOUGHT he was totes perfect. Okay I still kinda do. Whatever.

He was so kind, and caring, and handsome, and thoughtful...I loved sitting on the couch with him netflixing our nights away. (That was a close second to driving down 400 s in slc and holding hands and MAYBE kissing at every dang stoplight on that long street.) (Sorry mom). And he just made me so incredibly happy. It took me a while to ease into it, but once I did..I was hooked. SO hooked it was retarded.
Giddy retarded that I drove through the canyon in BLIZZARDS so I could see him. We laughed and flirted and joked and he would tell me after 15 minutes of being away from me, that he missed me. And I KNEW he missed me.

Anyway.. We broke up, yadda yadda, it was stupid and awful (for me at least) and I was pathetic for a very long time. I got so sick every single time I thought about him...I lost 15 pounds in 2 months from sheer SALT WATER WEIGHT FROM MY TEAR DUCTS. It was hell. That night in his car was hell and my mind repeated it over and over again for 6 months straight. everyday and every night. He moved on quick and had multiple girlfriends while I was still mourning the loss of him.

One day, about 4 months after he so graciously dumped me because I went to a friends house to go see him open his call......I saw him. I thought he was out of town, so I thought now was the perfect time to brave up and go to institute and see my friends..and there was absolutely no chance id see him! Mind you, I hated driving down Main Street because I knew he took that route to work. I mean...I took EVERY social and road detour in the town of kaysville so I wouldn't chance running into him. Because the thought of it made me literally ill.

"Hey....Hi..uhh How are you?"

WTF. *mental vomit, panic, mental tears*

"I..uh...hi..um..how are you..."

"Good how about you? It's been a while!"

"....ummmm..okay. So i thought you were out of town cuz I talked to your sister the other day and that's the only reason I came tonight because I didn't wanna see you and I apologize for things in the past and I really just...this is weird and I'm good but I've been avoiding you but it's great to see you"

I Should have said bye and usain-bolted outta there..but I didn't. I opened my dumb nicole mouth. We talked for about an hour and caught up. And flirted. And laughed. And it was normal..And so great. And I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it.

After that, He ignores me for a few more months. He has a few more girlfriends, texts me randomly when he dumps them...and then would get a few more. The last one stuck. I hear they are in love, bla bla. Well... She is in Europe for work...and the day she left, guess who's number shows up on my phone? He needed help for his brother, and knew I could help. So I did. And I went over to his house, and he played me all our old songs, and we laughed and flirted and joked and were so happy and I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it. He looked at me like he knew we missed each other.

A few days later I texted him to check on his brother... No text back. Ignored.

My gut is telling me that this girl really is here for good and to stop thinking about him every few months. It's pathetic.
Wanna know what's MORE pathetic?
I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though I KNOW he won't want me again. I'm so used to him not wanting me back..I should know that by now. It's clear every time we see each other.

Soooo.....I guess you can miss someone and choose to do nothing about it. He chose that. Clearly...again and again. And is ok spending every day doing nothing about it. And I keep reminding myself of that every few months.


Dreamboat,
PLEASE get married to girl so you can sail off into the sunset and I can sink the thought of us that keeps crossing my mind.

Sincerely,
Vomiting heart. Aka. THIS GIRL.