CRAZY PANTS

hey guys.

SOOOOO glad my blog is finally private. i dont care about random people reading my blog, i just need to make sure that my life is kept on the DL. heres why:

i havent been writing because my psycho ex found a way of communicating with me the past few months- commenting on my blog posts. he knew i would read them because i have to approve comments. (i actually published a threatening one he posted on my last blog, about how he was going to 'email all my followers and let them know i was a liar', but he got embarrassed and deleted it.) so...i stopped writing on here because i didnt want him to show up if he knew where i was. once, he facebooked me and said, 'why are you on this street? i'm right by you'....aaaaaaand thats when i knew he had a problem.

mind you, i've moved...changed my number.. looked into restraining orders/no contact orders..but i guess 'crazy ex whos obsessed with you' doesnt fit the bill. he has caused me so much anger and fear the past few years im just done. it makes me sick to think i was ever with him. how was i so blind?

whenever he tries to talk to me, i say something like. "you need help" or "what dont you understand when i say i dont want you in my life" or "leave me alone you freaking sociopath"

anyway, he is BAT SHIT CRAZY. sorry, but he is.

when i found out he gave my ring to his FOURTH fiance, my sister said... "glad he didnt give it to you. he probably woulda pried it off your cold, dead hand if he needed it back." and she wasn't joking. :/ God bless that poor girl who he broke up with recently. what a blessing for her.

I actually had to go private because he threatened me this summer...basically saying he would come after me and my family if ever i told his fiance that he was a crazy pants. aaaaand i saved the convo on my computer just in case KSL ever needed to locate my effin body. so HEAR YE, HEAR YE LITTLE READERS: if ever i go missing, call the FBI! you know where i'm at.

wanna know what sucks? its forreal. he is forreal a disturbed person, and has no problems doing creep things. im scared to have any of my information on the world wide interwebs, because i never know where he is lurking. it sucks because he is mentally unstable. he has something severely wrong with him. i just cant take the threatening suicide if i wont be his friend- the manipulation, the threats, the lies.

anyway, i am PRAYING that this finally ends it. that he wont be able to figure out how to get ahold of me. i'm in california and will be for a few months... i heard he is here too, living a few hours away for some job, and living with his ex girlfriends family because he is a freakin weirdo.

the moral of this story is:

i am so blessed that when i prayed about marrying him, i got absolutely a blank answer. i couldnt understand it, but i could never feel 'good' or excited about marrying him. i loved him - (i loved the fake him) i cried and cried and postponed wedding plans over and over again. i begged him to give me more time and told him if we didnt fight for a week- then maybe i would let him propose. and i told him i wanted to be happy for at least a solid month before we got engaged, because i wanted to feel sure. and he would yell at me and be so angry because he thought i was crazy. and 'no one else would put up with my problems like him so i might as well marry him' so what was i waiting for? i remember i couldnt call him 'the love of my life'. it just bothered me so much and felt so weird. that was my first clue something wasn't right.

heaven bless unanswered prayers.
i find out later that he is an absolute sociopath.
and here i am, after counseling and tears and prayers and running away from him....that i know my life will be okay and there are ways to escape him.

im going to delete all my blog posts about him...i want no memories of that awful time in my life. i wish i could wipe my memory clean of the things he did....but making my life a secret to him and the world is kind of a start, right?

i think it is.