Friday, May 11, 2012

the 3 a.m. last ditch effort post

sometimes im afraid to post my most inner thoughts on this thing..because this is the world wide interwebz, and people i dont want to get ahold of my thoughts very well could....but i'm 99.9% sure the people i dont want to see this, wont. i feel like i'm PRETTY safe here. this post is pretty much just for me..(obv i left my journal in logan)..BUT WHAT THE HALE. this is my last ditch effort to try to write out my feelings so i can MOVE THE EFF ON with my life. writing my brains out is sort of theraputic for me. and heaven knows i need some therapy right now. let the scatter brained post begin:

-ever heard the song 'somewhere with you' by kenney chesney? well he sings it like a complete moron, but some fool named tyler ward re-did it and its on youtube..anyway...i used to love this song when someone would play it for me. *swooooooon* like a teenage girl i would! swoon swoon swoon. and then, it ironically came true. (i think the dating-fates love playing with my life and rofl every time someone dumps me) its pathetic, because i'd rather be somewhere, anywhere with him..than where i'm at right now. still. weeks and unfair hurt later, i'd rather be somewhere with him. and its funny, because he'd rather be anywhere without me. haaaaa. hahah omg. thats sorta funny.

-sometimes when we'd be in the car together driving to salt lake...a random breakup song would come on his ipod. usually a heartwrenching john mayer song. i'd jokingly say, 'this is gonna be our breakup song. whenever you hear this you are TOTES gonna hate your life and think about me and miss me, huh. remember that, sucker!!!' i said it jokingly out of sheer fright that someday we wouldnt be hanging out in his car driving somewhere together. and that all this new happiness and giddiness and joy would someday be GONE. i said it because i think i was mentally preparing myself for him to tell me sometime in the near future, that i wasnt 'what he needed.'

-reading 'he's just not that into you' last night helped. made me feel like a total super fox, and that i deserved to be loved. its all great and stuff...but then the chapter comes that says...
'he's just not that into you if he doesn't want to be your boyfriend'. FAIL. he never wanted to be my 'boyfriend'. he had a huge issue with calling me his 'girlfriend'. i brushed it aside, because i thought that it didnt matter...he cared for me..right? :/
and then i came to the chapter...'hes just not that into you if he's breaking up with you'
and that made me feel REAL awesome...because then the words hit me... 'if he is breaking up with you, don't give him another chance to reject you. walk away with your head held high. you are deeply missable, and he can and should miss you, because he is choosing everyday to NOT be with you.'
double fail.
he ALSO was the guy in the book, who says things like 'this has been so hard on me' and 'i still care about you'.......... and it made me realize...if he really did care about me, and this really was hard on him...........he'd change it.

-i also did the immature facebook thing where you delete an ex the moment they pop up on your newsfeed with their arm around some beautiful exotic girl. i felt a bit childish...but i started crying and it made me want to vomit, sooooooo THAT happened.

-i won't go into details about what this recent heartbreak has done to my body..but lets just say its awesome and its not awesome. i've been thinking all day about this... all day about why i have been taking this so ridiculously hard! why its so hard to wake up in the morning, and the first thing that comes to my mind is that someone i cared about decided he stopped caring for me, or at least stopped caring about me in the same way i cared for him. its awful remembering that. so i usually just go back to sleep. its kind of really sad.

-i have felt that with this breakup, it is more unfair than any of the other ones. the reasoning behind it didnt make sense at all. and it was insulting to me to think that someone i deeply cared for, could believe that i was someone i never have been, and never ever will be. that one cut deep.

so..if someone so obviously doesn't want me...why am i still hurting over this? why am i still so frustrated and bugged?

its bugging me, because of this one reason:

i was so very hesitant to date him, or anyone. i was hesitant to give my heart away again, after andrew had utterly destroyed it and ME in the process of slowly destroying it. i did not have faith in men, and it was very difficult for me to believe that any guy was a 'good guy'. the first time we held hands, he had to practically coach me through it, because i was freaking out so bad. i couldnt even kiss him for nearly a month of dating him for heavens sake....(which is nottttt my usual self.)...because what if i kissed him..and liked him, and he didnt like me back? what if my heart got hurt again? it was so very hard to put my trust in someone again to not hurt i was scared. i was so scared, that after our 3rd date when i felt the slightest spark, i got down on my knees and said a prayer. 'If i am going to get my heartbroken, please don't let me do this. i cannot survive another heartbreak..because the last one almost destroyed me. Please let me know if i should end things before i get hurt. whatever is right, tell me. because i promise i will do whatever you want me to do.'

long story short, i felt that i got the green light. what that meant? i had no idea and i STILL don't know what it means. its frustrating that here i am, hurting and feeling utterly rejected, writing the most pathetic blog post i have ever written in my ENTIRE life. so...unbelievably frustrating, after i pulled over to ask if i should even go through with it. it brings me to tears thinking about how frustrated i am...that i could have possibly avoided this hurt. did i date too soon after andrew? was i not ready to give my heart to someone again? i thought i had felt enough hurt with andrew...that i deserved a good one. im frustrated because i wanted him to be the good one! i wanted so badly to fall in crazy love with him, and i wanted this to be it. i wanted this good guy to sweep me off my feet and never leave me. if two good people found eachother...they could work out..right? i wanted him to tell me that he wanted me and only me. i finally started to believe that i was worth sticking around for, going through trials with, and not giving up on. and he obviously didn't think the same.

i wish right now i could keep my chin up, and say, 'yeah, breakups suck, but someone will love me someday!' but after you have been let down, and let down, and let start to not believe it anymore. keeping my chin up has been very difficult for me as of late. in my head, i hear this coming from my broken little heart: 'yeah breakups suck, but maybe someone will love you someday, MAYBE.'

ANYWAY...this was my last ditch effort to try to get my feelings out...try to make some sense of everything thats been tormenting me in my head. YES, regardless of how this post didn't make much sense....the moral of the story is.... ALL OF THIS SUCKS....and i am going to walk away, with my head held as high as i possibly can, even though i obviously feel a bit miserable.

i cannot give this one more ounce of energy, because it hurts too damn much.
i just want to stop hurting.

i'll take crap day by day.
if not day by day, hour by hour.
but i have ZERO other options, than to just move on.
maybe i'll move my life somewhere sounds kinda tempting right now. goes nothing.
(thumbs up)


Robby Spratt said...

I admire you for being able to write such honest blog posts. The last time I tried to blog about my feelings, there were all sorts of unexpected negative repercussions.
I think that your thoughts and feelings regarding moving on are in the right place.
Moving someplace new and making new friends, starting over, will probably be the best thing.
So I just noticed you have a link to Brooke Shoko on your sidebar. I didn't know she had a blog, but I know who she is! We were in the same ward a while ago! Small world.

morgan said...

you are beautiful.
you are loving.
you are smart.
you are hilarious.

...just so you know...