There comes a time in a girls life, when she realizes she needs some things to CHANGE. It usually happens when its 4:21 in the morning and she realizes shes STILL surfing the internet, listening to the birds chirp outside, looking at future engagement rings, watching countless episodes of LOST on netflix, shopping online for clothes for when i lose those 20 pounds that would make my life perfect, and wishing for a happier 21 year old life.
Sure, i get pissed off whenever i see a heart on facebook and I'm kinda bitter about things 87% of the time. Its wonderful but at the same time really, really difficult to see my friends meeting these wonderful men and getting married and just living so blissfully.It makes me cry HAPPY tears. Honestly, seeing them being loved makes me sooooo grateful that they are getting their happy ending..but it hurts me so much on the inside in a jealous kind of way. What about me? Don't I deserve that at all? Am i just the type of person who doesn't deserve that?
The other day, someone politely suggested i usually have an 'eff-off' label across myforehead and i should open up more, or else no one will ever approach me. I've accepted for so long that i've turned into the mean girl with a label across my forehead.. and i'm tired of it. Its sort of who i've become the past little while.
I need to try to change some things. Am i going to be a ray of freaking sunshine now? No. Am i going to go to bed at a decent hour and act like i'm happy to be at church at 9 in the morning? Of course not. Will still watch hours of television and procrastinate my homework and occasionally say rude things? Yes. and i most likely will throw in the occasional swear word when the comical timing is right.
i need to stop pulling negative people into my life in the worst way possible. i will not hold on to relaitonships that tear me down as a woman. i will stop telling myself over and over again that i'm worthless and thats the reason i hurt so much on the inside. i will try to stop crying when i often feel like a failure, and cheer myself on inside my head. i will appreciate myself and believe that someday, someone will come into my life when the time is right and tell me that they love and appreciate me. it may not be perfect, but it will be better than anything i have experienced thus far. i will try to believe that out of 6 billion people, there has to be at least ONE who would want to share their life with me. Maybe i'm failing my stats 3150 class, but even i know that the odds are in my favor here. Theres gotta be at least one man out there, who will think i'm a pretty okay person, and they will think that i can tell one heck of a knock-knock joke every now and then.
i wish i'd stop playing my past in my head over and over and over and over again. i want to stop wondering if i could just go back and change this or that or if i could have been better...things would be different. i'd like to stop giving myself conditional love by the numbers on the scale. i'd like to go to sleep with a light mind, and not wake up in the morning feeling my heart hit the floor before my feet do. it gets embarrassing when people walk into my room and find piles and piles of tissues next to my bed, and look at me and say, 'hard night?'- like its the most normal thing in the world.
i just gotta try. if anything else, i gotta TRY to change.