Saturday, June 16, 2012
mind junk & homegirl bunny
whats a blog if you don't word vomit your mind junk out onto your blogger rough draft page?
bleghehghegh (word vomit)
i've been trying to put my finger on the feeling i've been feeling lately. this feeling has been absolutely engulfing me.
oh..whats that? theres one word for it, you say? i'm about to give that bih mary poppins a run for her money, you say?
i dont think i can QUITE elaborate as to why i'm exactly frushurtbarradisappostgrydisghausadletdisspatrayteic, but lets just say i thought and wanted my life would be drastically different right now. not only did i think it would be different, i have been working so hard towards having it actually be different. i have been trying soooooo hard and striving so hard and have been working towards making myself the person i know i can be....and it has been absolutely paralyzing to realize that my life is not where i thought it would be and the work i have tried to do has not been enough. all those amazon self help books i ordered on a whim? i feel like burning and casting down to hell. and i am SO disappointed in myself at the people i have allowed to be in my life and the amount of time my mind has spent thinking on the past. i wish i had a freggin time machine right now. (brb, going to call dr. sheldon cooper real quick. bazzinga.)
sorry i'm making zero sense.
okay, lets try this:
please just imagine a lone homegirl bunny rabbit who just finished a race and thought she'd be SO STOKED to finish the race, but come to find out she is all by herself and has absolutely no sense of direction in her life. well, she has a few paths to go down, but none are that cool, and none are as appealing as the ultimate path. and the ultimate path she wants is absolutely nowhere to be found. everytime she looks for the ultimate, she finds herself so hurt and depressed that slowly she is believing she needs to stop trying for the ultimate. and every now and then when she gets SO brave and she thinks by some stroke of bunny luck she has quite possibly found the ultimate... they are counterfits. fake paths leading to fake, locked doors.. fake paths that make her feel worse than she was before she even started going down this path. it makes her hate herself for believing that the path even had the slightest CHANCE of appearing as the ultimate. and homegirl bunny is turned back around to square one. sure, there are counterfit paths all over who maybe could TEMPORARILY make homegirl bunny happy...rude ones who think they are God's gift to paths, weird ones, crazy ones who make you cry, nice ones (but they find skanktastic bunnies who are the COMPLETE opposite of homegirl bunny and run off with them.......which in turn makes homegirl bunny want to vomit every time she thinks of it). so shes just a lonely bunny wandering in a stupid HUGE field by herself....painfully watching everyone else finish their race and go off on their set paths they immediately and easily find, with their permanent bunny friends and bunny spouses and nice bunny cars. and homegirl bunny feels alone and stuck. and after 23473282 attempts, homegirl bunny would rather go back and run the race again, purely to keep her mind off the unreachable path she can't find no matter how hard she tries.
and THEN homegirl bunny thinks..hm...maybe there isnt the ultimate path for me.
thats what i feel.
i just feel alone.
and yeah that bunny analogy maybe is funny to me because its 2 in the morning, but feeling alone is the worst feeling in the entire world. and i can't ever remember feeling it this deeply before.
this was written by yours truly: cole linnae at Saturday, June 16, 2012