Saturday, June 16, 2012

mind junk & homegirl bunny


whats a blog if you don't word vomit your mind junk out onto your blogger rough draft page?
bleghehghegh (word vomit)

i've been trying to put my finger on the feeling i've been feeling lately. this feeling has been absolutely engulfing me.


frustrated
confused
hurt
embarrassed
disappointed
lost
angry
disgusted
exhausted
sad
let down
pissed
impatient
betrayed
pathetic

oh..whats that? theres one word for it, you say? i'm about to give that bih mary poppins a run for her money, you say?
i'm frushurtbarradisappostgrydisghausadletdisspatrayteic?
oh.


i dont think i can QUITE elaborate as to why i'm exactly frushurtbarradisappostgrydisghausadletdisspatrayteic, but lets just say i thought and wanted my life would be drastically different right now. not only did i think it would be different, i have been working so hard towards having it actually be different. i have been trying soooooo hard and striving so hard and have been working towards making myself the person i know i can be....and it has been absolutely paralyzing to realize that my life is not where i thought it would be and the work i have tried to do has not been enough. all those amazon self help books i ordered on a whim? i feel like burning and casting down to hell. and i am SO disappointed in myself at the people i have allowed to be in my life and the amount of time my mind has spent thinking on the past. i wish i had a freggin time machine right now. (brb, going to call dr. sheldon cooper real quick. bazzinga.)

sorry i'm making zero sense.

okay, lets try this:
please just imagine a lone homegirl bunny rabbit who just finished a race and thought she'd be SO STOKED to finish the race, but come to find out she is all by herself and has absolutely no sense of direction in her life. well, she has a few paths to go down, but none are that cool, and none are as appealing as the ultimate path. and the ultimate path she wants is absolutely nowhere to be found. everytime she looks for the ultimate, she finds herself so hurt and depressed that slowly she is believing she needs to stop trying for the ultimate. and every now and then when she gets SO brave and she thinks by some stroke of bunny luck she has quite possibly found the ultimate... they are counterfits. fake paths leading to fake, locked doors.. fake paths that make her feel worse than she was before she even started going down this path. it makes her hate herself for believing that the path even had the slightest CHANCE of appearing as the ultimate. and homegirl bunny is turned back around to square one. sure, there are counterfit paths all over who maybe could TEMPORARILY make homegirl bunny happy...rude ones who think they are God's gift to paths, weird ones, crazy ones who make you cry, nice ones (but they find skanktastic bunnies who are the COMPLETE opposite of homegirl bunny and run off with them.......which in turn makes homegirl bunny want to vomit every time she thinks of it). so shes just a lonely bunny wandering in a stupid HUGE field by herself....painfully watching everyone else finish their race and go off on their set paths they immediately and easily find, with their permanent bunny friends and bunny spouses and nice bunny cars. and homegirl bunny feels alone and stuck. and after 23473282 attempts, homegirl bunny would rather go back and run the race again, purely to keep her mind off the unreachable path she can't find no matter how hard she tries.
and THEN homegirl bunny thinks..hm...maybe there isnt the ultimate path for me.



thats what i feel.
i just feel alone.


and yeah that bunny analogy maybe is funny to me because its 2 in the morning, but feeling alone is  the worst feeling in the entire world. and i can't ever remember feeling it this deeply before.

it blows.


















4 comments:

Summer said...

so here's the deal...i think we need to start hanging out like stat all the time because for a couple weeks I've been trying to figure out my life and nothing puts how I feel more perfectly about it all than this...fur real haha fur cause it was a bunny thing...but seriously I can't write so I'm glad you can put it into words andddd i hope we can both figure out our paths soon...because i feel ya and it's the worst feeling everrrrr

Robby Spratt said...

I'm sorry your feeling so down lately. I hope things get better real soon.
I have a friend who recently got married. Before he did, he taught me a really important lesson.
He told me that he had dated several great girls, who he could have probably married, but before he was ready to get married, he had to learn to be happy on his own.
A lot of the time, when we feel unhappy, we make the assumption that someone else has the ability to MAKE us happy. Or if some situation in our life was different, then we would be happy.
Unfortunately this is a misconception. If we can't be happy on our own, then we probably won't be happy even if we get what we want.
He taught me that in order to be truly happy, we need to learn to be happy through personal righteousness. We need to develop the kind of happiness that comes when our lives are acceptable to God. We need to learn to find happiness in serving others, and doing good.
This is a difficult thing to learn, and I think it takes time and practice.

I really appreciated this lesson that my friend taught me, and I have really tried to follow his example. Recently I began to realize that although I'm not exactly where I want to be in my life, i.e. marriage, I'm happier now than I have been in a long time.
Lately I've really made an effort to rearrange some of my priorities to put the most important things first. I've been serving in the temple quite often, and trying to magnify my callings at church. I've also put more effort into reading my scriptures every day. It's been going pretty well so far. I'm beginning to feel really happy. :)

I know this is a long comment, but I hope my friend's advice can help you too. Sorry if it sounds kind of preachy...

Anyway, I'm sure things will work out for you eventually. They usually do. Patience is a tough thing to develop.

P.S. It was awesome meeting you the other night. That was a totally unexpected surprise. :)

Hailey Anderson said...

Nicole. I love you. I'm sad when I read that you're so sad. Wanna go on a girl date? Or have happy crafting times? I know I'm not close to that ultimate path that you're looking for, but I can be a pit stop along the way =)

Rachel Nell said...

Have you read the first presidency message this month? http://www.lds.org/liahona/2012/07/always-in-the-middle?lang=eng Pres. Uchtdorf talks about looking at life as though we are in the middle. Here is my favorite part:

"Being always in the middle means that the game is never over, hope is never lost, defeat is never final. For no matter where we are or what our circumstances, an eternity of beginnings and an eternity of endings stretch out before us."

Don't give up. You're not at the end of one journey or trying to find the beginning of another. Rather, you are simply working through the middle of eternity. Happiness doesn't come at the end, it comes in the middle, whenever you want it to be there. Trust in the Lord's timing and don't forget to enjoy the simple beauties of life.

I love you! Call me sometime.