Thursday, September 17, 2009

there are moments..

sometimes, i have these moments where i feel like falling apart. i know that most times im the crazy girl and the girl who does weird voices..haha okay, thats funny..but really. lately i've just felt like crawling into a hole and dying. i've felt stressed about school and keeping my grades up, and being the good student that i know i can be if i try hard enough. and managing my money and figuring out how to organize my time wisely..and lately i've felt like any boy i have feelings for, or even think about having feelings for.. just throws it back in my face. and everytime i put my heart on the line, i know whats coming but i do it anyway. i know i'm gonna be sitting at my bed at one in the morning crying because i thought i could trust them. i know that i hate myself for pitying myself and asking 'why' all the time.

i always wish that my life was easier and that i could be more normal. and while i'm drowning myself in chocolate, i hear about a friend who just found out her faithful boyfriend of two years has been continuously cheating on her the whole time. and then i hear about the drug problems a friend's husband is having and how it is ruining their family. and then i hear the story about how a friend locked himself in the bathroom and sobbed on the floor for hours when he found out his mom had died.

and then there are moments, when i realize how great things are, and can be. i see a huddled group of people under a tree waiting for a bus during a rainstorm, and one content student dressed in cowboy attire happy to be alive and soaked from head to toe. and i see a blonde little girl in a pink ballet outfit at the grocery store, hugging the ketchup bottles while laughing and playing with her sister. and then i see the way the cute temple worker looks at her husband from across the room.

and then, my best friend and i run out in the rain to kick and jump in the puddles. and then i get a comforting feeling after a prayer where i know i'll be ok. and then i get those moments where i'm laughing so hard my side aches and i cant hardly breathe. and then the boys downstairs make us cookies because they know i've had a bad week. and then the stressed crisis management worker tells us how our volunteering is an answer to her prayers. and then my mom and dad tell me how proud they are of me.

and i realize that i should be counting my blessings. every last one of them.


Rachel Nell said...

This is beautiful, Coley. We all have those days (or weeks... or months...)where nothing seems to go our way. You just have to remember to keep your chin up and put a smile on your pretty face, even when you don't want to. Thank you so much for sharing this. I consider you to be one of my many blessings. I love you!

Dallas and Amylee said...

You gotta have those downs to appreciate those ups... but it doesn't make them any easier! I love you, even if you do have the swine flu.