Monday, February 13, 2012

Scooby & Pee

I had four very traumatic experiences before the age of 5. Two of them involoved a dog…the other two..urine. I’ll rotate subjects just to mix it up a bit.

#1- I went to “Great America” with my family this one time. I was 4, little, and adorable. I remember wearing biker shorts, a red sweater, and a neon baseball cap. I cant be sure, but I think I may have even been wearing a fanny pack. Yes, i'm sure i was. i needed it to hold my heart-shaped sunglasses. It was a kids dream…amusement park for a whole day!? Righteous. Me and my sisters went on all the little kiddie rides..and I sat out with my mom when they went on all the big kid rides. I remember all day my sisters and dad were trying to convince me to go on the rapids ride…I can’t remember what it was called, but the name was terrifying in and of itself..roaring rapids? Raging rapids? Grizzly rapids? Something. I was psyching myself out all day, trying to mentally prepare to pretend to be brave infront of my family and teling them I would go on the ride. All day my mind changed back and forth…well…all day my mother also made sure we were all properly hydrated. I had made up  my mind that sure I COULD go on the water rapids ride if I really wanted to…but the real reason I started protesting was because my tiny little bladder was suddenly so full, even the sound of water would probably make me EXPLODE. I don’t remember why I didn’t say anything…probably because my mom had asked me every hour ‘do you need to go to the bathroom Nicole?’ and I probably got annoyed…and stopped listening to my bodily functions and started protesting out of pure spite.

            So…there we sisters and dad load onto the ride, and my mom and myself hung out on the side watching. We are watching..and watching..and I am seeing the rapids..listening to the rush of water… seeing waterfalls and splashes… and sprinkles..drizzles and wooshes.….and… WIZZ.  I could NOT help myself. Watching that water for just 5 minutes just made me LOSE it and I lost all control of my 4 year old tiny tank. I was so embarrassed, and waddled over to where my mom was sitting, and started crying. She looked at my wet widdle biker shorts, and im sure was a bit embarrassed herself to see her child obviously had pee running down her legs. Since I was crying hysterically, she said, ‘hey..i have an idea..why don’t we go to splat city!’ splat city was the waterish part of the park where kids could run through all these weird bucket fountains. I don’t know why it was called splat city..but I remember we weren’t allowed to go because my parents didn’t want freezing wet children in their car for an hour on the way home. Well HA to the HA! I tricked the system. We got there and I ran through every single fountain to cover up my obvious pee stain on the front of my shorts. My mom had proposed the perfect plan. I soaked myself in the fountains, and no one could tell I had peed myself. When we walked back to the rapids sisters, shocked and offended at the special treatment, said..’MOM!? WHAT!!! WHY DID SHE GET TO GO TO SPLAT CITY!?!?’ they were pissed, I was covered in piss, but smug and content at the same time. Winning.

#2- The first dog story….was a dream. More like a nightmare. I dreamt that Scooby Doo was walkin around on his hind legs in a detective suit looking for me. No no…. HUNTING me. Sraight up hunting me and wanted me dead. Everything around me was black. I was terrified, so I hid in my dream tent I conjured up. I was looking out the telescope for Scooby…and finally thought I had lost him. Dream-minutes passed and i was alone. I was safe! All of a sudden.. what do I see through my dream scope? Scooby. In a detective hat. Pointing a gun at me. He shot me. I screamed. I woke up covered in literal SWEAT AND TEARS.. Ran to my parents bed…and didn’t tell them for YEARS about that dream because I was so traumatized. This great dane will come in to play in just a moment.
Scooby: 1 Nicole: 0

#3- I had this friend in kindergarten…lets call her..Jules. Jules was known to have accidents quite often, and she peed herself at kindergarten probably every other week. Well, one day me and jules were having WAY too much fun on the playground. We were playing tag, and if I remember correctly, a boy was chasing us. Me and jules RAN to the top of the metal slide and waited for our attacker to approach us. (Please note: this metal slide got WICKED hot in the midday sun…and a fast slide down it always ended up with slight burns on the back of bare legs if you hit it just right). Jules got nervous and started sliding down the hot slide quite quickly all of a sudden. What was she thinking!? I remember the sound she made while sliding down..."WWoooaahhHHHHaauhghghuhahahhuh!" This wasn’t part of our plan! We were supposed to just wait at the top of the slide for at LEAST 1 more minute. But oh wait…why was she sliding so much faster than normal? Why was she acting so weird when she stood up? Don’t worry, she had politely left a trail of pee down the hot metal slide for me to follow. PANIC SETS IN. My attacker is approaching the slide. Do I back down and get tagged? Even if I WANTED to back down and accept defeat, there were 6 other kids perched on the cheese grater stairs waiting to slide down! I could not coordinate a group was too complicated. So what did I do? Grabbed the burning hot sides of the slides…and slowly crab walked/slid down the slide, in jules hot pee, to the bottom of the slide. By now she had ran into hiding, I was covered in hot pee, and the unsuspecting kids were blaming ME for the mess on the slide as each of them slid to their doom.

#4- Kindergarten recess, after lunch, me and my bff brandi were playing hopscotch on the asphault. When all of a sudden…a GIANT great dane can be seen in the distance, bounding towards all of the unsuspecting kindergarteners, hungry for human flesh. Scooby. Wildly scrambling for a plan, brandi, terrified of dogs and mammals in general, suddenly goes catatonic for a moment.. and then she screams. My heroic side kicks in about 5 seconds into the ordeal. “RUUUUUNNN BRANNDIIIII! TO THE SWWWIIINNNGGGSSS! SWING HIGH BRANDI!!! RUNNNNN!” Scooby. The great dane was galloping towards me. Children were screaming and running to the jungle gyms, scrambling for the top of the slides, and brandi started to pump faster than I’d ever seen before. And where was i? I was dancing…with Scooby. Our eyes locked. I went left…he went left. I broke right..he broke right. We were 5 feet apart now. The dog was taller than me and resembled the detective who had murdered me. I lunged backwards, he lunged forwards…Scooby. By the grace of heaven, a yard duty caught wind of the canine intruder and caught its attention. It was just enough time for me to run to the swings and swing high enough that I could kick the dog in the face if it came too close. Finally the dog was caught, all the kindergarteners were in tears, and recess was cut short.
Scooby 1: Nicole: 1


Rachel Nell said...

Please write a book. I seriously can't get enough.

Shelby said...

Have you ever read A Girl Named Zippy? That is toootally what you need to do.