#1- I went
to “Great America” with my family this one time. I was 4, little, and adorable.
I remember wearing biker shorts, a red sweater, and a neon baseball cap. I cant
be sure, but I think I may have even been wearing a fanny pack. Yes, i'm sure i was. i needed it to hold my heart-shaped sunglasses. It was a kids
dream…amusement park for a whole day!? Righteous. Me and my sisters went on all
the little kiddie rides..and I sat out with my mom when they went on all the
big kid rides. I remember all day my sisters and dad were trying to convince me
to go on the rapids ride…I can’t remember what it was called, but the name was
terrifying in and of itself..roaring rapids? Raging rapids? Grizzly rapids? Something.
I was psyching myself out all day, trying to mentally prepare to pretend to be
brave infront of my family and teling them I would go on the ride. All day my
mind changed back and forth…well…all day my mother also made sure we were all
properly hydrated. I had made up my mind
that sure I COULD go on the water rapids ride if I really wanted to…but the real
reason I started protesting was because my tiny little bladder was suddenly so
full, even the sound of water would probably make me EXPLODE. I don’t remember
why I didn’t say anything…probably because my mom had asked me every hour ‘do
you need to go to the bathroom Nicole?’ and I probably got annoyed…and stopped
listening to my bodily functions and started protesting out of pure spite.
So…there we are..my sisters and dad
load onto the ride, and my mom and myself hung out on the side watching. We are
watching..and watching..and I am seeing the rapids..listening to the rush of
water… seeing waterfalls and splashes… and sprinkles..drizzles and wooshes.….and… WIZZ. I could NOT help myself. Watching that water
for just 5 minutes just made me LOSE it and I lost all control of my 4 year old tiny
tank. I was so embarrassed, and waddled over to where my mom was sitting, and
started crying. She looked at my wet widdle biker shorts, and im sure was a bit
embarrassed herself to see her child obviously had pee running down her
legs. Since I was crying hysterically, she said, ‘hey..i have an idea..why don’t we go to
splat city!’ splat city was the waterish part of the park where kids could run
through all these weird bucket fountains. I don’t know why it was called splat
city..but I remember we weren’t allowed to go because my parents didn’t want
freezing wet children in their car for an hour on the way home. Well HA to the
HA! I tricked the system. We got there and I ran through every single fountain
to cover up my obvious pee stain on the front of my shorts. My mom had proposed
the perfect plan. I soaked myself in the fountains, and no one could tell I had
peed myself. When we walked back to the rapids ride..my sisters, shocked and offended at the special treatment, said..’MOM!?
WHAT!!! WHY DID SHE GET TO GO TO SPLAT CITY!?!?’ they were pissed, I was
covered in piss, but smug and content at the same time. Winning.
#2- The first
dog story….was a dream. More like a nightmare. I dreamt that Scooby Doo was
walkin around on his hind legs in a detective suit looking for me. No no….
HUNTING me. Sraight up hunting me and wanted me dead. Everything around me was black. I was terrified, so I hid
in my dream tent I conjured up. I was looking out the telescope for Scooby…and
finally thought I had lost him. Dream-minutes passed and i was alone. I was safe! All of a sudden.. what do I see
through my dream scope? Scooby. In a detective hat. Pointing a gun at me. He
shot me. I screamed. I woke up covered in literal SWEAT AND TEARS.. Ran to my parents
bed…and didn’t tell them for YEARS about that dream because I was so
traumatized. This great dane will come in to play in just a moment.
Scooby: 1 Nicole: 0
#3- I had
this friend in kindergarten…lets call her..Jules. Jules was known to have
accidents quite often, and she peed herself at kindergarten probably every
other week. Well, one day me and jules were having WAY too much fun on the
playground. We were playing tag, and if I remember correctly, a boy was chasing
us. Me and jules RAN to the top of the metal slide and waited for our attacker
to approach us. (Please note: this metal slide got WICKED hot in the midday sun…and
a fast slide down it always ended up with slight burns on the back of bare legs if you
hit it just right). Jules got nervous and started sliding down the hot slide
quite quickly all of a sudden. What was she thinking!? I remember the sound she made while sliding down..."WWoooaahhHHHHaauhghghuhahahhuh!" This wasn’t part of our plan! We were
supposed to just wait at the top of the slide for at LEAST 1 more minute. But oh
wait…why was she sliding so much faster than normal? Why was she acting so
weird when she stood up? Don’t worry, she had politely left a trail of pee down
the hot metal slide for me to follow. PANIC SETS IN. My attacker is approaching
the slide. Do I back down and get tagged? Even if I WANTED to back down and accept defeat, there
were 6 other kids perched on the cheese grater stairs waiting to slide down! I could
not coordinate a group reverse..it was too complicated. So what did I do? Grabbed
the burning hot sides of the slides…and slowly crab walked/slid down the slide, in
jules hot pee, to the bottom of the slide. By now she had ran into hiding, I was
covered in hot pee, and the unsuspecting kids were blaming ME for the mess on
the slide as each of them slid to their doom.
#4- Kindergarten recess, after lunch, me and my bff brandi were playing hopscotch
on the asphault. When all of a sudden…a GIANT great dane can be seen in the
distance, bounding towards all of the unsuspecting kindergarteners, hungry for
human flesh. Scooby. Wildly scrambling for a plan, brandi, terrified of dogs
and mammals in general, suddenly goes catatonic for a moment.. and then she screams.
My heroic side kicks in about 5 seconds into the ordeal. “RUUUUUNNN BRANNDIIIII!
TO THE SWWWIIINNNGGGSSS! SWING HIGH BRANDI!!! RUNNNNN!” Scooby. The great dane
was galloping towards me. Children were screaming and running to the jungle
gyms, scrambling for the top of the slides, and brandi started to pump faster
than I’d ever seen before. And where was i? I was dancing…with Scooby. Our eyes locked. I went
left…he went left. I broke right..he broke right. We were 5 feet apart now. The
dog was taller than me and resembled the detective who had murdered me. I lunged
backwards, he lunged forwards…Scooby. By the grace of heaven, a yard duty
caught wind of the canine intruder and caught its attention. It was just enough
time for me to run to the swings and swing high enough that I could kick the
dog in the face if it came too close. Finally the dog was caught, all the
kindergarteners were in tears, and recess was cut short.
Scooby 1: Nicole: 1
2 comments:
Please write a book. I seriously can't get enough.
Have you ever read A Girl Named Zippy? That is toootally what you need to do.
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