Thursday, May 19, 2011

this and that

i have 8 a.m. summer school tomorrow.
and i'm up crafting..and blogging. whats wrong with me? i have domestic syndrome lately.

-i painted tonight and now my hands feel like they are covered in an icky film. which they are. so my advice? dont ever paint with oil based paints, unless youre picasso. another piece of advice? don't buy paint stuff unless youre good at painting. i'm a littttttttttle bit of a moron for going all 'bob ross' tonight

-i've been lonely latey in good ol glenwood. for the first time in my 3 years of college, i FINALLY feel like a college student...because all i do is go to class, study, homework, tests. summer semester is like 4473829x more intense than regular semesters..which makes me pissed...but its worth it i hope. i just don't have a life is all. but hey, i showered so thats a plus, right? no seriously, it really is a plus.

-also, today i feel like i may never get married.
okay okay, i know maybe someday i will... but probably not till i'm way older. maybe in like 6 or 7 years. my dear friend told me i needed to 'love myself' and then things will fall into place.
but i dont love myself all that much. it got me really thinking.... how do you love yourself? become friends with yourself and talk to you when youre alone?....love the stretchmarks on my chubby theighs? compliment myself on my impeccable taste in reality television series i get addicted to? think to myself that it is so adorable and ENDEARING i cry all the time? count my freckles and shout 'wooh hoo' when i get to 100? :(

lots of people in my life have told me how much i quit things, how i'm too emotional, how i'm too hard to handle, how i'm mean...etc. its fine most times and i spit out some witty comment about it, but then lonely nights like these make me sincerely wonder if i can trust someone again when they say, 'i'll never do this..i'll never do that..i'll always love you and be good to you. blahbadeeblahbadeecrap'. AND.. i wonder everyday if someone can unconditionally love me. does that even exist? unconditional love? to me, unconditional love seems like....i dunno..stephen hawking running a marathon or something?

ok, so maybe someone will fall in 'love' with my sassiness and my womanly curves :/ but then? i wonder if that someone will not just 'love' me, but also be nice to me, and...KEEP being nice to me, once they find out everything about me...all my quirks and flaws and weaknesses and fears. and thats a tough task. so will someone find me and love all of me? i seriously dunno. will i grow old with someone? for some people- it happens. for me? we'll see.



but, osama bin laden is dead so i figure anything could happen.

6 comments:

Amylee said...

Heard the best quote the other day, but I don't know who said it. It goes something like this:

"Only God really knows how to love, the rest of us are just good actors."

I love YOU.

Angie Hronek said...

just wait till you are on birth control. 15 pounds in six months? Don't mind if I do...nothing about it. Here is my sage love advice: The golden rule applies. Treat people how you want to be treated. Someday, someone will treat you that way back. Then marry them.

Tanya said...

I know of a REALLY great book about loving yourself! It's called Choosing Me Before We by Christine Arylo. Amazon it! It's THE book to read!!
Much love,
T

brittyd23 said...

oh stop it nikki (said in my best chavez voice)....

numero uno: Have you been modge podgin your butt off??

two: I freakin MISS you and good ol glenhood.

3: You are perfect just the way you are. and I am NOT just sayin that. Trust me, I don't say things I don't mean....which leads me to number 4:

You are so pretty I am so jealous. you have perfect teeth and beautiful pantene pro-v hair.

ALSO, thank you for getting me addicted to the Kardashians....I may or may not have watched it by myself yesterday...

Cole, seriously, I freakin love you!

itsjustmom said...

ok enough hearing the exaggerated version of all of your faults. Hon, we all have faults, yes, even those who choose to point yours out. I hate to break it to you but you don't have any more faults than the next guy,(girl). you are not hard to handle and you have never been mean. take it from one who knows you better than anyone. And here's a hint. . .Steer clear of those who make a habbit of pointing out what is wrong with you, and ignore all the wonderful things right with you.

morgan said...

oh puh-lease. enough of the crazy talk. your dear friend was right: love yourself first. people learn how to treat you and what to think of you by what you put up with. screw the d-bags who aren't nice. there are plenty of women out there who will treat them just as poorly. you aren't one of them. anywho.

i switched my email. please let me keep reading? i gotta make sure you quit being so hard on yourself. :)

mwalton0215@gmail.com