i have 8 a.m. summer school tomorrow.
and i'm up crafting..and blogging. whats wrong with me? i have domestic syndrome lately.
-i painted tonight and now my hands feel like they are covered in an icky film. which they are. so my advice? dont ever paint with oil based paints, unless youre picasso. another piece of advice? don't buy paint stuff unless youre good at painting. i'm a littttttttttle bit of a moron for going all 'bob ross' tonight
-i've been lonely latey in good ol glenwood. for the first time in my 3 years of college, i FINALLY feel like a college student...because all i do is go to class, study, homework, tests. summer semester is like 4473829x more intense than regular semesters..which makes me pissed...but its worth it i hope. i just don't have a life is all. but hey, i showered so thats a plus, right? no seriously, it really is a plus.
-also, today i feel like i may never get married.
okay okay, i know maybe someday i will... but probably not till i'm way older. maybe in like 6 or 7 years. my dear friend told me i needed to 'love myself' and then things will fall into place.
but i dont love myself all that much. it got me really thinking.... how do you love yourself? become friends with yourself and talk to you when youre alone?....love the stretchmarks on my chubby theighs? compliment myself on my impeccable taste in reality television series i get addicted to? think to myself that it is so adorable and ENDEARING i cry all the time? count my freckles and shout 'wooh hoo' when i get to 100? :(
lots of people in my life have told me how much i quit things, how i'm too emotional, how i'm too hard to handle, how i'm mean...etc. its fine most times and i spit out some witty comment about it, but then lonely nights like these make me sincerely wonder if i can trust someone again when they say, 'i'll never do this..i'll never do that..i'll always love you and be good to you. blahbadeeblahbadeecrap'. AND.. i wonder everyday if someone can unconditionally love me. does that even exist? unconditional love? to me, unconditional love seems like....i dunno..stephen hawking running a marathon or something?
ok, so maybe someone will fall in 'love' with my sassiness and my womanly curves :/ but then? i wonder if that someone will not just 'love' me, but also be nice to me, and...KEEP being nice to me, once they find out everything about me...all my quirks and flaws and weaknesses and fears. and thats a tough task. so will someone find me and love all of me? i seriously dunno. will i grow old with someone? for some people- it happens. for me? we'll see.
but, osama bin laden is dead so i figure anything could happen.