shes gooooone

 due to a few recent turns of events.... i've been on the upswing of things.

or as kirk would say, 'dark nicole' is gone. WOOP WOOP.

and let me tell you..it feels great. im banking on this feeling lasting quite some time. i feel really blessed to have lots of positive people in my life as of late and just feel good. not to say i don't have my hard hours.. tough nights or miserable dreams that i still wish would go away, but i'm finally feeling okay.

 (it only took a year).

so come at me 18 credits and term papers. come at me mean little drug moms, i'll call CPS on you.. come at me 13 extra pounds im gonna tackle. and RUN at me future husband!

im ready im ready im ready!

Ryan Gosling....Hey Girl

i just would like everyone to know....i've loved him since 'breaker high' in the mid 90's. that is all.

great people deserve CREDIT!

am i allowed to do that? PR for friends and family on my blog? of course i am. its my blog, snitches.

i hate when people put stuff on their blog like, 'hey, i have a deal with target to tell everyone on my blog to go buy their slippers. so go buy their slippers, they are comfy and have my seal of approval. dar dar dar.' ITS ANNOYING. but this....isnt that. its just loved ones who i'd like to be appreciated...mmk?

okay so, i know some very talented people. so i thought i'd take a minute and go ahead and brag/tell you about them so YOU can enjoy them as much as i do.

first of all....
i have these friends.. these guitar-playin singer best friends. they are sisters and truly have the best voices EVER. due to an amazing song they wrote that you can find HERE...they just signed a contract to be NEDA's (National Eating Disorder Association) ambassadors, and are on their way to the top! their music is amazing and you should totes check them out. You know the kinda music that makes you go.. 'yeah...thats EXACTLY how i feel!' well, that is them.
THE FALKKKKKK SISTERSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
here are 2 of my favorites i always demand them to play for me:




second of all.................
MISS BOOTH/Mrs. Petty/ Big sister Jackie.
She is a bay area photographer but ALSO comes to Utah often to do shoots. Her prices & pictures are GREAT and she is just so darn cute how can you refuse her services? She takes photos cause she loves doing it, not for the monnnaayy. Please view some of her 2011 pictures at her JUMP site!
(and how cute is this mommy/daughter shoot she did?)

third of all..................
TAMALYN. She is my 2nd in line big sister, and has an etsy shop she has been slowly working on over the past little while. Its still in the works, but she is a graphic designer lady and has some great photo layouts for photographers to sell to clients..or just people looking for the perfect photo display templates. I'm sort of bad at explaining it because i'm not a graphic designer person...so go to her  Etsy Site and take a looksie!

SEE YA K BAI

babies babies babies babies

i love them. i love their widdle hands and their widdle feet and their annoying widdle cry.

• working in the NICU & the mama unit has been amazing. last semester i saw and did a lot of really cool stuff..helped with adoptions, was the witness on the surrogacy papers, educated countless moms on post partum depression, counseled a family who was about to lose their baby..witnessed moms kissing and crying onto their sweet little  angels who didn't make it to this world and learning the correct words to offer for comfort...it has been amazing working here. i love it and it makes me excited to have my own someday. a baby to call MY OWN! a baby that looks like me..has my nose (maybe my husbands eyes) and has a smile just like mine.

• i love walking into a room and seeing one mother holding her baby and notice its little yawn..and i love walking into another room down the hall and see a fatty little 9 pounder with tons of hair on its little noggin..i love catching myself talking babytalk to these mom's babies..even if im cooing in english to a cutie little hispanic baby. they probly think im a NUT. (its fine. i pretend 1. the baby can understand me....2. the baby is bi-lingual)

• its not all fun and games though. its hard and draining and i've come home almost in tears before. i'll be gone from the hospital for a few days and when i come back and ask about the case i was on, it is a punch in the chest to hear that my NICU baby has passed away. the same NICU baby that i was informed was possibly not going to make it, but the parents believed the baby would. ive never felt like i was lying to a patient before when i went in their room getting information, giving encouraging words about the skill of the NICU staff and the truly amazing care their baby was getting, but legally not being able to even hint that i knew anything about the medical situation.. after i heard the news, i think.."i wish i woulda been there to follow up with that family, so they didnt have to talk to a complete stranger at the time they needed someone most. even if i wasn't good at my job, at least they could have recognized a familiar face when they were making final arrangements! at least they could have had that." it is frustrating to me that i couldn't be there. it hurts my heart and i wish i could have attended the funeral, could have followed up with them afterwards. but once the case is handed off to someone else, thats the end of it and you never see them again. and it sucks.

•  alot of times i feel unqualified to be asking such personal questions when i'm doing a patient screening...(asking very personal questions about marriage status..living arrangements..outside relationships...drug and alcohol use..etc.) wanna know who scares me most though? excuse my language...but bratty teenage girls who dont give a rats ass that they just birthed a MIRACLE, because they are busy thinking about when their next high will be, or when the next time they can secretly run to the parkinglot to take a smoke. it drives me bonkers, and those teenagers really intimiade me. they  make me sweat and mumble and i hate it! my boss said when i get nervouse like that around drug moms and teens, i need to walk in and act like i'm 'all that and a bag of chips' because they need to know they need to respect me (and quit texting while i'm talking to them for crying out loud) and that i have a 'certain level of superiority' when i am inquring about hx of drug use and things like that. (this is not to act like i am better than them at all..but it is to create a professional relationship so they'll take me seriously when i offer them legit resources that can improve their lives, even if they deny me.) so basically, i need to act like i know what i'm doing, even when in my head i'm  having flashbacks to the scary kids by the 1100 hall at davis high. gotta cut those flashbacks out..hahah. i need to work on that. :/

• high profile cases make me have severe anxiety..hoping i did everything fully and right and legally..and thats all i'll say about that.

• i also dont think newborns look as much like aliens as i did before. (but they are still weird lookin when they are brand new and their faces are still swollen)

anyway, babies are just little miracles swaddled up in cuteness....i just feel so blessed to be able to be a part of the social work team at mckay-dee.

that is all.

Best beauty pageant kid ever

Prepare....to be amazed.

Sandpaper.

when an ex gets a significant other...girlfriend...or engaged.

its a funny thing. see, i've been thinking about this for a while. and i'm not quite sure why it just rubs me the wrong way..but it just does...especially since its 3 in the morning! its like sandpaper kind of. not really, but kind of ..maybe i just craft too much...but hear me out, even though this is the stupidest comparison i think i've ever made. if someone were to rub sandpaper on my skin just once, it wouldnt be so bad. i'd just be like, 'hey, ouch, please stop that.' but then they keep rubbing and rubbing and rubbing until it bleeds, it hurts, and then im just MAD. crab-apple-mcnasty mad. and HURT! pardon me for running with this sandpaper crap, but try to follow:

sandpaper is good. cool for crafts, great for wood, useless just sitting there though. its always nice to know that sandpaper is there, just in case i need it. and sometimes, sandpaper pops up when i dont need it, but its always reassuring to put it back somewhere i know i can easily access it. i've used that sandpaper in the past and have good memories with that sandpaper. its very useful! it has made me happy. we made a good crafting team. and i'll always remember the good times i had with that sandpaper...but i'll just tuck it away for now. BUT WAIT. what if i need it for something? what if someday i have a craft and i specifically NEED that piece of sandpaper? what if i try other sandpapers out but they arent as good as the first one?

but then sandpaper goes all over facebook putting pictures up of its NEW life and even though i tucked it away long ago, it rubs me the wrong way once or twice. but i dont bleed yet...its not like sandpaper has COMPLETELY disappeared from my life...its just a little uncomfortable scratchy feeling. but now im constantly thinking about sandpaper and its new sandpapery life. then sandpaper starts bragging about marrying off and starting a new happy life together with someone ELSE. and then it rubs some more harder and harder and is just so sandpapery and happy and then i start to bleed. and now im just pissy.

its just sandpaper. i can get a different type. and that one was old anyways and i hadnt used it for years. but i dont want sandpaper gallavanting off with someone ELSE. that is craft betrayal. "HOW DARE SANDPAPER!", i think..."I own sandpaper! i used it for a project for like.. 2 whole months once! and even though the project turned out bad...it was fun making the project! how dare sandpaper start a project with SOMEONE ELSE..."

...i think i'm just selfish and feel like i own every piece of sandpaper i've ever used. so when they begin to start new lives, and rub their sandpapery life all in my stupid face...it hurts a widdle bit.

its selfish of me and bitter of me. (gotta work on that)
but i guess im sad i just will never ever ever ever have the option to use that certain piece of sandpaper again. because once sandpaper seals the deal with their someone new and sandpapers girlfriend changes her last name on facebook to his...the deal is sealed. and sandpaper is lost forever.


so, ive come to the conclusion that my attitude just leaves me bleeding and hurt.
guess i just gotta go shopping for some more.

new yearzz rezzolutionz

1. lose 13 pounds. (much easier sounding than 15)
2. get a REAL job (one where my bachelors is required)
3. travel to at least 5 different states
4. 1 out of the country
5. work on my handwriting (dont judge me)
6. get rid of any bitterness in my heart



six. not too shabby....those are doable.

Letter to 2012,
Hey, please be better than 2011. 2011 sucked bad.
I'd like you to shower me with gifts, a new car, and lots of money...
but really if you can only choose one thing, a new car would be cool.
bye

love,
me