Peach.

And this goes out to the sweet girl who has hated me since highschool, and keeps telling people...5 years later... that i am 'evil'.

love you! ♥

this guy... is THIS GUY!?

okay.  when i realized these...they blew..my..mind. why had i never realized it before?
maybe i'm just stupid.



Ceasar Flickerman from the Hungry Games...



is...



THE SERIAL RAPIST FROM THE LOVELY BONES!!!!




Commisoner Gordon from Batman..




is..




SIRIUS FREAKIN BLACK






The guy from the Bourne Identity....



is...





UNCLE GARY FROM THE RINGER!!!





Lucious Malfoy from 'Arry Pottah...





is..




the cross dresser from Sweet November. :/




whhhhheird. real wheiiiirrd.

What if what?

"What if what? What if he were a different person? God knows what he's doing, trust me.

The only way to be happy in life is to accept that there are really hard parts. And I know that they are hard…sometimes unbearable.

I think you learned a lot of valuable things from your experience. I think it was excruciating for you at times, and I wouldn't wish that upon you again. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I also would never want to take away from you what you learned from it. But your husband isn't going to be perfect to you either…and you won't be perfect to him..but if you value each other enough to keep trying, THAT is what makes a perfect relationship.

You are angry and bitter now and that is a natural reaction…I don't blame you for feeling that way at all. This is the part of life that is hard- having those feelings. But I'll warn you... holding those hateful feelings for too long will end up hurting you in the long run. It’s human nature to feel angry, hateful feelings toward people who have hurt you. It is adaptive. It keeps us from associating with those people over and over again…but the Lord is the only one who can help us get over those hateful feelings. I think it's normal to be mad and wish someone harm when they have harmed you, but that doesn't mean it’s the best way to cope with a situation. "Let the past make you better, not bitter".

It’s so hard, but it does get better. I also like to think that the depth of my pain actually enlarged my capacity to feel joy…because now I have a comparison point. I think you have the capacity to feel joy beyond most people, because you have suffered, and I think God takes that into account. God  hasn't forgotten about you. You aren't having these experiences for nothing. Life is hard and there are no guarantees, but that's the deal we agreed to.

Honestly, I’m just grateful for the chance to try. And even though I've seen a pretty hefty amount of sorrow for one person, due to circumstance and genetics, I know that I am far better off and have experienced blessings some people will never get to…like people who are born into third world countries..and people who are abused as children or as adults or people without a sound mind, who can't take care of themselves. I just want you to know that I am happy even though you and I have been in similar situations. I want you to know that it's possible to be happy despite our experiences. Honestly, I am happier with my life right now than I have ever been. Everything is falling into place! I get teary eyed all the time because I don't know how I have been so fortunate.

But it was a really long process…and I was mentally ill and physically ill for a really long time. and I’ve been disappointed and had my heart broken and been so discouraged. I thought I would never be able to be healthy again…and I thought I would never be able to be happy. I just kept going. Honestly, I had no hope. but I think I needed to learn to keep going.

I know it’s not fun….but you know what happened when I kept going? I was soooooooo soooooooo angry and I didn't understand why I couldn't get better but I decided if I couldn't get better, I would at least do everything in my power to live a better life. I decided I could either be miserable and not do anything or I could live a miserable life while being productive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be righteous and serve God and achieve what I needed to in order to make a difference in the world. I wanted to be a contributing member of society whether I was happy or miserable. I wanted to be able to say that I had honestly given every ounce of my strength trying to do the right thing, regardless of my emotional state. I had accepted that I was going to feel sadness for the rest of my life and I could either be bitter about it, or go on living. And I chose to go on living. To quote Suzanne Collins in a non-ridiculous way...."it really is not a mistake to go on living."

That line in the book changed my attitude. Regardless of how bad it gets, it's not a mistake to go on living. I think God would agree with that too. I don't know how I got off on this tangent, I guess I just want you to know that it gets better.

I don't know what the Lord wants you to learn…so ask him. I did. He's not going to hold it back if you earnestly want to know what you should do…or if you have the desire to learn from life rather that just suffer through it. I don't want you to think I’m judging you for being bitter or sad..I’m not.  But I finally understand that suffering is a part of life. Life is both a test and a preparation. You're being prepared for something! I know it's really, really hard…but you can either be miserable and unproductive and just wallow in your misery like I did for a while…or you can make the conscious decision to go on living.

Listen..... anyone can get married. What you want is to marry the right person and on heavenly father's time frame…that's the thing about life... sometimes you have to experience the crappiness to truly understand the depth of how bad it could have been…or to understand that you're lucky it didn't turn out like you planned. I promise you that things will turn out for the absolute best, but only if you decide to go on living."

3rd grade journal

I found my Hello Kitty diary.
yes...my very first one. i think i started it when i was 6...can 6 year olds even write? i dont know. I think i was 7/8/9 for most of these entries. and I really do remember sitting on my bunk bed writing them. (especially the novel about my elementary love, Drew*. it took me like, 2 hours to write that thing.)
*name has been changed just in case he EVER sees this, HEAVEN FORBID.

the entries progressively get more embarrassing.
but come fourth grade, i get pretty ridiculous. and way too boy crazy. which is funny, because i was NOT cute. i was a chubby awkward kid.
i'm including a photo for your reading pleasure:

i made sure to make it a full length body shot, so you could get the entire vibe of my awkwardness....including my swishy pants and black anklet.
enjoy.
(i even threw in the letter to Drew that i wrote '20 years from now'. omg kill me.)



I have the nicest family in the univers.
love, nicole

..

Dear Diary,
I'm gonna draw
(insert picture of christmas tree here)

..

Dear Diary,
ahhhhhh. My private stash is SHHHHH!
in my pic book.
Love,
Nicole
actually its not.

(im so clever, even tricking my diary)
..

My Dear Diary
I have told you many things. Don't tell a word. If you do....well you can't  huh!

..

Dear Diary,
In my stash secret, you would hear everything.
Love,
Nicole

(WTF was i talking about? stash secret?)
..

Dear Diary,
I met a boy named Julius. Hes sweet like every other guy in this world. Hailey asked me if i liked him and of coarse i said 'no, we're just friends'. Like i havent heard that line in my life before!!

(who is this kid writing this stuff!?!?)
..

Dear Diary,
.
.
.
.
.
bye

..

Dear Diary,
It was May 5, my day to lead the line. school quickly ended and i went to play practice Belle and the Beast were talking and told him she had to leave through half of the practice. well im her understudy. any guess who the beast is. DREW! at the end of the play I had to tell him i love him or like him, i dont know which one. we had to dance together and when the director was talking we were about to start and were in dacing position. we waited for a minute and dropped position. then we started and i was looking at my shoes and he was looking at the wall. i had my hand on his shoulder and he had his hand on my side. our other hand were holding hands and dancing. i loved every minute of it. i really do like him. My friends were laughing at me cause at the end i was supposed to say, "i love you!!" in the script it says "i like you" so. i really do. well im going to church and going to see him there. we both still like eachother i think.

..

Dear Diary,
there is an annoying boy named Frank. He is so stupid. G2G. Ps I asked Logan out. He said no.

(dont worry guys. come 10th grade when i went back to visit, me and Logan kissed. elementary dream completed. REDEMPTION.)
..

Dont you hate it when guys do something really... you know!!! Well, i have to go carve a punkin. i still dont know if i am madly in BFGF with him anymore. well G2G bye, nicole

..

a note 20 years from now.
Dear Drew,
Hows life? How is your business going? My dream came true. I am a marine Bioligest. Well half. My other part is marrying you. WB
Nicole.



I'm embarrassed for my children. I feel so bad that they get my genes.

quote

the sunday funnies

 

Gabby's pool and Stephanie Tanner

Once upon a hot summer day, my mother decided to take all of us over to my big sister jackie’s friends house, Gabby. Gabby’s family was so sweet and im sure said ‘suuuuuure bring all of your 5 daughters over to swim any time you want!’ They were just nice like that and im sure we begged our mother to take them up on that offer. The most water activity we had was running through the sprinklers with umbrellas...so a pool day would have been UNREAL.  So, one hot day, I remember finally walking with my mom and sisters down 2 blocks to Gabby’s house. I had been SO EXCITED all day and had tried patiently to contain my excitement by watching Full House for hours on end, so I would get my mind off how excited I was. Well..when the time came, we got to gabby’s backyard..and low and behold….the most GLORIOUS dough-boy pool you have ever seen in your life. It even had a ladder you had to climb up on!!!!!!!! Man this was great…this was…. *fear sets in* did I have my water wings on? Were there sharks in there? Other marine wildlife? Octopus? Whales? Octopus-shark-whales? Has anyone ever drowned in this pool before?

My sisters hopped in, and I insisted on following my mom into the kitchen where she chatted with Gabby’s mom. I wanted to wait a few minutes.... maybe i just ate and wanted my stomach to settle? I was being responsible....I'd swim later.

My sisters had immediately rushed to the pool and im sure flopped their homely little selves in. (you don’t believe how homely we looked? Heres a picture of a regular summer day growing up):

Anyway.. as i would run between the kitchen and would longingly run to the sliding glass door to watch my sisters swim around...my sisters would say.. ‘Cmon coco! Come in the water with us. We’ll hold on to you!’ and ‘oh just come in…its fun! We wont even splash..’  or ‘I’ll let you wear my goggles!’ anyways, their words did not find comfort in the fear I was feeling. I was no fool. I was a cautious child. And then something happened. as I was considering getting into the glorious pool......... *flashback to great America* the fear…and anticipation…had suddenly filled my bladder. I had to pee SO BADLY but of course did NOT want to use a strangers bathroom! HOW EMBARRASSING WOULD THAT BE!? Only babies had to go to the bathroom at strangers houses...and I was 5! I realized I probably had to pee since my Full House marathon, but was so enthralled by D.J. and Steves love, that I probably did not want to miss a SECOND of those episodes.

I was fine. I’d hold it. Im a champ. Over and out. Its not like it was at Great America..there was no rushing water, rapids and waterfalls taunting me. It was fine. I was fine and a BIG GIRL. I’d hold my pee like a champ.

Finally after getting bored of mother’s conversation and my sisters nagging…I decided to go outside. I didn’t have to pee so bad, I was really hot, and could use a dip in the pool. brush that dirt of ya shoulda. i could do it. I WAS GOING TO OVERCOME MY FEAR DANGIT. I had waited so long for this dough-boy pool experience.

            So, my sisters hopped back in, and waited for me to come in. I climbed one step. Water wings ready. I was ok. I climbed 2 steps. Getting nervous. I climbed three steps and saw just how deep the water was in that 3  ½ foot walmart pool.  Four steps. *fear floods me, in an excited sort of way* and suddenly…I feel hot pee running down my legs. Standing at the top of the swim steps.....i look down at the pee dripping down my legs..back up at the pool staring at me. down at my legs...back up at the rest of the swimmers.. the whoooooole pool watching me in disgust. *crickets chirp*. PANIC.

I of course start crying and run to my mother, in which she profusely apologizes to Gabby and her mother  for her daughter urinating all over their swim steps and walks me home to change.

Annnnnd that was the day I was so excited to go swimming, that I peed myself.....

 --------

Cut to a nightmare I had around this time. It was of course, after the swimming pool incident…probably 6 months after this traumatizing experience.

I was there once more.. in Gabby’s backyard…with my swimmy on and water wings ready. The large walmart pool  that had defeated me earlier was calling my name. My sisters were there, encouraging me to get in.  but this time, I was so much braver than I had been in real life!!

(Redemption!!!! This would be my chance)

I walked over to the pool confidently…only to see Willy, from Free Willy jumping gallantly across the pool waters. I was amazed! A pool AND a whale!?!? *FIST PUMP!* Amazing. How cool was it that this pool was actually big enough that a medium dream whale could be swimming around in it!? I could almost hear 'i will be there' by michael jackson playing in the background of my dream.

To fulfill this amazing dream.. naturally I want to get in and swim with it. As I am climbing the dream ladder… right where I had started wetting myself in real life, in my DREAM LIFE, fear absolutely overcomes me. What do I see when I look down? No, not dream-pee running down my dream-legs....

I see Stephanie Tanner’s dead head, FLOATING IN THE WATER.

Willy had killed her. Decapitated her. And her dead head was floating in Gabby's pool.

I looked around.... my sisters were gone.. Gabby was gone.. my mom was gone...it was me, killer Willy, and Stephanie Tanner's dead head.

I was absoutely dream paralyzed.

I immediately woke up crying and vowed that the rest of my childhood, i would not get in a pool big enough to house even the idea of a dream killer whale.
or a medium dream whale.
or Stephanie Tanner.

my little triple toddlers

My babes....

Parker, Georgie and Edison.

i love them more and more each day.

 

Parks growls like a lion, giggles uncontrollably, loves pushing the toy vacuum, shopping cart, and empty bottles around like cars... and has this annoying scream-cry-wail he does for attention. i love it.

George is an absolute TANK and enjoys slapping me across the face, beating up his brothers, and stealing their toys. He is a stage 5 clinger, and can always find him grabbing onto my legs begging me to pick him up. i love it.

Edison is the happiest baby in the world, despite his physical restrictions he has. He has recently found the Elmo book to be pure hilarity..and he laughs for dayyyyyys whenever i pull it out to read to him. He also is a fan of my little tickle game i play with him called 'yippideeee skipideeeee'. i love it.

 

yuv my yittle nuggies. 

best job ever: playing with babies all day.

i have a lot on my little mind.

you know when you see something, and then you get kinda sick over it? like... your stomach does this awful dive and all of a sudden your body goes all tingly and you wanna cry/vomit? and your heart just aches so bad that its almost physical? you can actually almost FEEL it?

that happened today.
i dont like that it happened.
i'm absolutely done with it happening.


man..if i had hermione's time turner.......i'd go back and undo so many decisions i made.
"ohhh but you learn so much from your past! you wouldn't take it back, not really. you don't mean it."
BULL.

i mean it.
i'd go back in a heartbeat.

i'd never have met certain people. i'd have done it differently.  i'd have never even entertained the thought of it. i'd have listened to my gut and not forced it. i'd have stopped it from happening. i'd have left sooner. i wouldnt have wasted time and energy and tears. i'd have stopped myself. i wouldn't have risked it!

because in the end, it wasn't worth it.
it 1000000% wasn't worth it, not one bit.
not worth the tears, and the nights i can't sleep, and the replaying it over in my mind!


i've come to a ginormo realization today.
listen world:
dating.. and love.. and romantic relationships.. and marriage aren't for me.
when i get hurt by someone...i lose trust and hope and happiness... and i entirely lose myself.
and thats not how it should be.
i feel like there are going to be big things in my life, but being half of a whole just isn't in those plans. it always has been...but i honestly don't feel like its in my plans anymore.

it can be for everyone else out there...i'm not saying i'm a love hater!
i'm not bitter. im years past bitter. heck, i will 'like' every marriage photo on facebook that pops up of the rest of my friends getting hitched...but i don't think i'm going to end up like them....which is fine. you have to be really, really, really, REALLY lucky to find your perfect match. and ive had a reality check and realized that that doesn't happen for everyone. for some reason, i always thought it happened for every person out there. not everyone lucks out like that. for those of you who DID luck out...i hope you truly cherish it! you lucky people are the ones that get something not everyone gets to have.

i haven't ever felt this way before..but i think i just am honestly going to share my life with myself & forget the plans i had. i don't want my plans anymore.

i hope its not wrong of me to feel this way.
lets see how it goes.