What if what?

"What if what? What if he were a different person? God knows what he's doing, trust me.

The only way to be happy in life is to accept that there are really hard parts. And I know that they are hard…sometimes unbearable.

I think you learned a lot of valuable things from your experience. I think it was excruciating for you at times, and I wouldn't wish that upon you again. I wouldn't wish it upon anyone, but I also would never want to take away from you what you learned from it. But your husband isn't going to be perfect to you either…and you won't be perfect to him..but if you value each other enough to keep trying, THAT is what makes a perfect relationship.

You are angry and bitter now and that is a natural reaction…I don't blame you for feeling that way at all. This is the part of life that is hard- having those feelings. But I'll warn you... holding those hateful feelings for too long will end up hurting you in the long run. It’s human nature to feel angry, hateful feelings toward people who have hurt you. It is adaptive. It keeps us from associating with those people over and over again…but the Lord is the only one who can help us get over those hateful feelings. I think it's normal to be mad and wish someone harm when they have harmed you, but that doesn't mean it’s the best way to cope with a situation. "Let the past make you better, not bitter".

It’s so hard, but it does get better. I also like to think that the depth of my pain actually enlarged my capacity to feel joy…because now I have a comparison point. I think you have the capacity to feel joy beyond most people, because you have suffered, and I think God takes that into account. God  hasn't forgotten about you. You aren't having these experiences for nothing. Life is hard and there are no guarantees, but that's the deal we agreed to.

Honestly, I’m just grateful for the chance to try. And even though I've seen a pretty hefty amount of sorrow for one person, due to circumstance and genetics, I know that I am far better off and have experienced blessings some people will never get to…like people who are born into third world countries..and people who are abused as children or as adults or people without a sound mind, who can't take care of themselves. I just want you to know that I am happy even though you and I have been in similar situations. I want you to know that it's possible to be happy despite our experiences. Honestly, I am happier with my life right now than I have ever been. Everything is falling into place! I get teary eyed all the time because I don't know how I have been so fortunate.

But it was a really long process…and I was mentally ill and physically ill for a really long time. and I’ve been disappointed and had my heart broken and been so discouraged. I thought I would never be able to be healthy again…and I thought I would never be able to be happy. I just kept going. Honestly, I had no hope. but I think I needed to learn to keep going.

I know it’s not fun….but you know what happened when I kept going? I was soooooooo soooooooo angry and I didn't understand why I couldn't get better but I decided if I couldn't get better, I would at least do everything in my power to live a better life. I decided I could either be miserable and not do anything or I could live a miserable life while being productive. I wanted to live my life. I wanted to be righteous and serve God and achieve what I needed to in order to make a difference in the world. I wanted to be a contributing member of society whether I was happy or miserable. I wanted to be able to say that I had honestly given every ounce of my strength trying to do the right thing, regardless of my emotional state. I had accepted that I was going to feel sadness for the rest of my life and I could either be bitter about it, or go on living. And I chose to go on living. To quote Suzanne Collins in a non-ridiculous way...."it really is not a mistake to go on living."

That line in the book changed my attitude. Regardless of how bad it gets, it's not a mistake to go on living. I think God would agree with that too. I don't know how I got off on this tangent, I guess I just want you to know that it gets better.

I don't know what the Lord wants you to learn…so ask him. I did. He's not going to hold it back if you earnestly want to know what you should do…or if you have the desire to learn from life rather that just suffer through it. I don't want you to think I’m judging you for being bitter or sad..I’m not.  But I finally understand that suffering is a part of life. Life is both a test and a preparation. You're being prepared for something! I know it's really, really hard…but you can either be miserable and unproductive and just wallow in your misery like I did for a while…or you can make the conscious decision to go on living.

Listen..... anyone can get married. What you want is to marry the right person and on heavenly father's time frame…that's the thing about life... sometimes you have to experience the crappiness to truly understand the depth of how bad it could have been…or to understand that you're lucky it didn't turn out like you planned. I promise you that things will turn out for the absolute best, but only if you decide to go on living."