Sunday, July 1, 2012

i have a lot on my little mind.

you know when you see something, and then you get kinda sick over it? like... your stomach does this awful dive and all of a sudden your body goes all tingly and you wanna cry/vomit? and your heart just aches so bad that its almost physical? you can actually almost FEEL it?

that happened today.
i dont like that it happened.
i'm absolutely done with it happening.


man..if i had hermione's time turner.......i'd go back and undo so many decisions i made.
"ohhh but you learn so much from your past! you wouldn't take it back, not really. you don't mean it."
BULL.

i mean it.
i'd go back in a heartbeat.

i'd never have met certain people. i'd have done it differently.  i'd have never even entertained the thought of it. i'd have listened to my gut and not forced it. i'd have stopped it from happening. i'd have left sooner. i wouldnt have wasted time and energy and tears. i'd have stopped myself. i wouldn't have risked it!

because in the end, it wasn't worth it.
it 1000000% wasn't worth it, not one bit.
not worth the tears, and the nights i can't sleep, and the replaying it over in my mind!


i've come to a ginormo realization today.
listen world:
dating.. and love.. and romantic relationships.. and marriage aren't for me.
when i get hurt by someone...i lose trust and hope and happiness... and i entirely lose myself.
and thats not how it should be.
i feel like there are going to be big things in my life, but being half of a whole just isn't in those plans. it always has been...but i honestly don't feel like its in my plans anymore.

it can be for everyone else out there...i'm not saying i'm a love hater!
i'm not bitter. im years past bitter. heck, i will 'like' every marriage photo on facebook that pops up of the rest of my friends getting hitched...but i don't think i'm going to end up like them....which is fine. you have to be really, really, really, REALLY lucky to find your perfect match. and ive had a reality check and realized that that doesn't happen for everyone. for some reason, i always thought it happened for every person out there. not everyone lucks out like that. for those of you who DID luck out...i hope you truly cherish it! you lucky people are the ones that get something not everyone gets to have.

i haven't ever felt this way before..but i think i just am honestly going to share my life with myself & forget the plans i had. i don't want my plans anymore.

i hope its not wrong of me to feel this way.
lets see how it goes.


7 comments:

Christy said...

dislike.

Lauren said...

this is ridiculous. you know you dont even believe this!

ashnicole said...

Just remember how lucky you are that you didn't actually end up with those guys! they are lame. and you are cute and funny {not that I even know you, I just know you are} I think it would be good to take a break from wanting to find love, because then it will find you. And I think you will do things differently this next time around...now that you've had your experiences.

Rhea Woolley said...

Hey Nicole :) Austin stalks, I mean reads, your blog all of the time, so I figured I should too :)

I think it's totally okay for you to feel this way. I actually know exactly how you feel. Well almost. I dated a ton of losers and broke my heart one too many times. Way too many tears and way to much drama. If only I had left early or just listened to my gut...amen sister.

I got to the point that you're at after about 4 years of crap. I finally realized that I just needed to stop and just live my life for me. I decided I was going to get my life together and go on a mission. Turns out making that decision was what Heavenly Father was waiting for, because then Austin randomly came home from his mission with a strange foot tumor and everything else is history.

The 14 months while he was back in Chile, were super hard, but I worked on just being happy with me and living MY life.

Honestly, I think more women need to come to the this realization. Ya know, just stop living with our life long longings at the center and instead, just learn to be happy with ourselves, by ourselves.

Well that's the end of my rant :) I hope it helps you not feel alone in this.

<3 Rhea

Mindy said...

God is anxiously waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can't if you don't pray, and He can't if you don't dream. In short, He can't if you don't believe. - Jeffrey R. Hollan

Robby Spratt said...

I totally agree. Learn to be happy on your own and everything else will fall into place.
Eventually someone nice will come along, and there won't be any drama, and there will be no question of how he feels about you, and it will just work. :)

Tami said...

Ditto what Rhea said! It really is OK. You just be YOU, and love your life as it is. I'm not saying that things won't change from there, but I've discovered that you MUST be able to be blissfully happy being alone in order to ever be in a personal place where you're happy with someone else (one day). Ruv you sissy.