i have a lot on my little mind.
you know when you see something, and then you get kinda sick over it? like... your stomach does this awful dive and all of a sudden your body goes all tingly and you wanna cry/vomit? and your heart just aches so bad that its almost physical? you can actually almost FEEL it?
that happened today.
i dont like that it happened.
i'm absolutely done with it happening.
man..if i had hermione's time turner.......i'd go back and undo so many decisions i made.
"ohhh but you learn so much from your past! you wouldn't take it back, not really. you don't mean it."
i mean it.
i'd go back in a heartbeat.
i'd never have met certain people. i'd have done it differently. i'd have never even entertained the thought of it. i'd have listened to my gut and not forced it. i'd have stopped it from happening. i'd have left sooner. i wouldnt have wasted time and energy and tears. i'd have stopped myself. i wouldn't have risked it!
because in the end, it wasn't worth it.
it 1000000% wasn't worth it, not one bit.
not worth the tears, and the nights i can't sleep, and the replaying it over in my mind!
i've come to a ginormo realization today.
dating.. and love.. and romantic relationships.. and marriage aren't for me.
when i get hurt by someone...i lose trust and hope and happiness... and i entirely lose myself.
and thats not how it should be.
i feel like there are going to be big things in my life, but being half of a whole just isn't in those plans. it always has been...but i honestly don't feel like its in my plans anymore.
it can be for everyone else out there...i'm not saying i'm a love hater!
i'm not bitter. im years past bitter. heck, i will 'like' every marriage photo on facebook that pops up of the rest of my friends getting hitched...but i don't think i'm going to end up like them....which is fine. you have to be really, really, really, REALLY lucky to find your perfect match. and ive had a reality check and realized that that doesn't happen for everyone. for some reason, i always thought it happened for every person out there. not everyone lucks out like that. for those of you who DID luck out...i hope you truly cherish it! you lucky people are the ones that get something not everyone gets to have.
i haven't ever felt this way before..but i think i just am honestly going to share my life with myself & forget the plans i had. i don't want my plans anymore.
i hope its not wrong of me to feel this way.
lets see how it goes.