This is our normal dinner conversation:
michelle: mom, wouldn't nicole be a good jail social worker?
nicole: i wanted to be, but then dad said i'd get shot. but i think it'd be fun.
mom: um NO. they would throw their poop at you. im not kidding. IM NOT KIDDING!
dad: they would.
mom: ...thats why i'd commit suicide before i ever went to jail.
Monday, August 27, 2012
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Lunch Lady LUZ
Once upon an elementary school, there was a lunch lady. Named Luz.
Not pronnounced "Luce" or "Luhz"
....prounounced.... LOOHZ.
Luz was from...i dont even know what country. Turkey? Trinidad? Somewhere in the baltics? IDK.
anyways...all the kids were a yiiiiiiddle bit afraid of her, because she had a VERY thick accent and was always frazzled and frustrated when she had to deal with children. she was nice if you were one of the first 10 kids to pay in the lunchline, because it was....only 10 kids. but i was usually in one of the bad classes with the 'bad' kids, so we always got to lunch later than the rest of the classes. we waited in the hot sun, were STARVING, loud and wrestless......so....150 kids later, i usually got my hot lunch....from Luz...the pissed-off-english-as-a-second-language-lunch-lady.
My elementary was known for having the most AWFUL hotdogs (pink and green hotdogs that bounced when you dropped them...) and we were also known for the best D-A-M-N curly fries this side of the mississippi. they were perfect curly fries. long and soggy and seasoned to boot. ANYWAY.
So, I would get meany-pants LUZ when she was sweaty, pissed, frazzled, stressed, and so annoyed with the children that she didnt even try to speak english, she basically just yelled at you:
"AHYYEHHUOUOUYYEAHHAHOUOOBONONOKJHYIOOUUWWHEO!!!!"
this was after i had handed her my handful of sweaty change from my swishy pants that probably consisted of dimes and nickels. Sure she didnt like counting the change...but shes a lunch lady, what should she expect!? i always had to hold my breath nervously whenever i got hot lunch...because sometimes Luz would 'count wrong' and look up at you and started jibberishing at you again.
Cheeks hot.
Palms sweaty.
Shove hands in swishy pants pockets.
Nervous glance upwards through my bangs.
Luz: You No HAVA!!!!! Bruntomukkay?
me: *shyly* umm huh?
Luz: Bruntomu nohaveh tensentsa!!! ukkay!
me: .............what did you say?
Luz: BRUNTOMU TENSENTSA UKAY? UKKAYGOH!
and then she would shoo me off to pick up my flimsy white tray holding tots, fries and cold green beans. How was i to know i was 10 cents short? I HAD HOLES IN MY POCKETS SOMETIMES OKAY!?
Good memories in that cafeteria i tell you. Finding out my elementary crush actually liked me back..... trading my fig newtons for some pudding or gushers.....leaving class early and walking my kindergarten buddies to get free lunch..(and trying to get them to teach me arabic)...and the best, was Sarah S. One time in the cafeteria, i remember telling Sarah S. that the red jello served by Luz was actually sheep guts. She believed me and threw away her lunch.
Anyway.
So..everyone knew the lunch food AND the lunch lady were sketchy..................................So what did i do as class representative in the school student council?
....Wrote a school newspaper article about the *mystery meat* us children were being served in the cafeteria. I think the title of the article was actually called, *Mystery Meat in the Cafeteria*. I was so clever and original. and PUBLISHED. i was published. WIN.
i remember going in during student council time with a friend and telling Luz we needed to examine the meat. I dont remember the conversation, but i imagine it went something like this:
Me: I need to examine the meat for the school newspaper
Luz: hjfkdshfjkdshfkdjslafhuniwrhuialnmc
Me:.......
Luz: FHDJSAKFHDKLAFKJAHF!!!!!!!!!
Me: .....meat.
Luz: HEEYA *throws down frozen chicken patties infront of me and my 'assistant'.*
We tore into the meat and find green tinted coloring (real) and suspicious black 'dots' (fake on the suspicious part)...........i published in the paper that it was probably mold...but im pretty sure it was just pepper.
Moral of the story: Luz was crazy and fed us poison. And she had a poisonous attitude towards children.
The end.
Not pronnounced "Luce" or "Luhz"
....prounounced.... LOOHZ.
Luz was from...i dont even know what country. Turkey? Trinidad? Somewhere in the baltics? IDK.
anyways...all the kids were a yiiiiiiddle bit afraid of her, because she had a VERY thick accent and was always frazzled and frustrated when she had to deal with children. she was nice if you were one of the first 10 kids to pay in the lunchline, because it was....only 10 kids. but i was usually in one of the bad classes with the 'bad' kids, so we always got to lunch later than the rest of the classes. we waited in the hot sun, were STARVING, loud and wrestless......so....150 kids later, i usually got my hot lunch....from Luz...the pissed-off-english-as-a-second-language-lunch-lady.
My elementary was known for having the most AWFUL hotdogs (pink and green hotdogs that bounced when you dropped them...) and we were also known for the best D-A-M-N curly fries this side of the mississippi. they were perfect curly fries. long and soggy and seasoned to boot. ANYWAY.
So, I would get meany-pants LUZ when she was sweaty, pissed, frazzled, stressed, and so annoyed with the children that she didnt even try to speak english, she basically just yelled at you:
"AHYYEHHUOUOUYYEAHHAHOUOOBONONOKJHYIOOUUWWHEO!!!!"
this was after i had handed her my handful of sweaty change from my swishy pants that probably consisted of dimes and nickels. Sure she didnt like counting the change...but shes a lunch lady, what should she expect!? i always had to hold my breath nervously whenever i got hot lunch...because sometimes Luz would 'count wrong' and look up at you and started jibberishing at you again.
Cheeks hot.
Palms sweaty.
Shove hands in swishy pants pockets.
Nervous glance upwards through my bangs.
Luz: You No HAVA!!!!! Bruntomukkay?
me: *shyly* umm huh?
Luz: Bruntomu nohaveh tensentsa!!! ukkay!
me: .............what did you say?
Luz: BRUNTOMU TENSENTSA UKAY? UKKAYGOH!
and then she would shoo me off to pick up my flimsy white tray holding tots, fries and cold green beans. How was i to know i was 10 cents short? I HAD HOLES IN MY POCKETS SOMETIMES OKAY!?
Good memories in that cafeteria i tell you. Finding out my elementary crush actually liked me back..... trading my fig newtons for some pudding or gushers.....leaving class early and walking my kindergarten buddies to get free lunch..(and trying to get them to teach me arabic)...and the best, was Sarah S. One time in the cafeteria, i remember telling Sarah S. that the red jello served by Luz was actually sheep guts. She believed me and threw away her lunch.
Anyway.
So..everyone knew the lunch food AND the lunch lady were sketchy..................................So what did i do as class representative in the school student council?
....Wrote a school newspaper article about the *mystery meat* us children were being served in the cafeteria. I think the title of the article was actually called, *Mystery Meat in the Cafeteria*. I was so clever and original. and PUBLISHED. i was published. WIN.
i remember going in during student council time with a friend and telling Luz we needed to examine the meat. I dont remember the conversation, but i imagine it went something like this:
Me: I need to examine the meat for the school newspaper
Luz: hjfkdshfjkdshfkdjslafhuniwrhuialnmc
Me:.......
Luz: FHDJSAKFHDKLAFKJAHF!!!!!!!!!
Me: .....meat.
Luz: HEEYA *throws down frozen chicken patties infront of me and my 'assistant'.*
We tore into the meat and find green tinted coloring (real) and suspicious black 'dots' (fake on the suspicious part)...........i published in the paper that it was probably mold...but im pretty sure it was just pepper.
Moral of the story: Luz was crazy and fed us poison. And she had a poisonous attitude towards children.
The end.
Quote of the day
Me: I'm PATHETIC!!!! I'm a college grad and live with my parents!
Mom: Hey, you chose this
Me: *silence*
Mom: ...............and your parents are awesome.
and
Mom: stop putting yourself on the clearance rack at k-mart. Your future husband does not shop there. You belong at Nordstroms, and you are not on sale!
Thanks mom.<3 br="br">
Mom: Hey, you chose this
Me: *silence*
Mom: ...............and your parents are awesome.
and
Mom: stop putting yourself on the clearance rack at k-mart. Your future husband does not shop there. You belong at Nordstroms, and you are not on sale!
Thanks mom.<3 br="br">
Monday, August 13, 2012
things i'll never say
avril lavigne eighth grade punk rock ballad..haha...im sure i cried my eyes out to that song many nights of my KJH days. (I actually remember blasting it from my boom box as well while i would cake on the eye liner in the morning...)
but im serious. i'd like to say these things i'll never say...in hopes i'll stop thinking about them. its not because i'm prideful, or too stubborn to call up these people..... some things just cant be said. And lets be real, some of these things are WAY too mean to say to people! lulzzzzzz.
therapy via world wide interwebz:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J
Dear A,
I unfollowed you on social media because i was jealous of your fabulous life.
fab life, fab husband, fab house.
sorry.
Dear B,
Sometimes I think of you and how you are choosing to have a sucky life. I know its really hard and stuff...but i also know what an idiot you are. Abusing substances will only get you so far. I'm afraid someday I'm gonna get a phonecall telling me they found your body somewhere....and that makes me so nervous and sad :/
Quit being stupid and throwing away your brain. and your life.
Dear C,
I'm offended you hate me. It hurts my feelings a little.
I was a good friend to you...and I wish you would have appreciated and realized that back then.
I miss you. Still think you are totes beautiful.
but if i ever ran into you, i would immediately run the other way.
And....i still think its funny you can't spell.
Dear D,
I'm still mad at you. and really hurt by you.
I'm mad you dont care. I'm mad that i care.
you are not who people think you are. you are scared of life and kind of a baby.
im glad we ended when we did.
...im also embarrassed i still let you affect me.
I wish i never ever ever ever met you.
and i think its SO stupid you date sluts...because i am fabulous. and funny.
bye.
Dear E,
Does getting married really make you gain 75 pounds?
Just curious.
cuz....I better prepare myself if thats true. :/
Dear F,
You are still in my thoughts, occasionally.
You dont deserve an occasional thought, to be honest.
Stop being psycho.
I wish you hadn't taken up so many years of my life.
I also wish i could use every cuss word imaginable on you. Any respectable person would.
If i ever run into you, i will swiftly kick you in the crotch and run away.
You have been warned.
Dear G,
Thanks for dumping me.
I've lost 15 pounds thanks to you.
Dear H,
Sorry you got partnered with me that one time in class...but contrary to popular belief and your rude opinion, I'm not a lazy student. You are just mad I graduated college in 4 years and am good at passing tests.
Unlike yourself.
Suck on that.
Dear I,
........................you married my dreamboat ex boyfriend i always held out hope for.
Curse you.
Guess what though.....I think you are so so so pretty!!!
And because of that, I hope you get a double chin someday.
Sorry but i do.
See ya never.
Dear J,
Usually in public, people wear CLOTHES.
Just in case you accidentally thought that shirt was a dress.
BYE
but im serious. i'd like to say these things i'll never say...in hopes i'll stop thinking about them. its not because i'm prideful, or too stubborn to call up these people..... some things just cant be said. And lets be real, some of these things are WAY too mean to say to people! lulzzzzzz.
therapy via world wide interwebz:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J
Dear A,
I unfollowed you on social media because i was jealous of your fabulous life.
fab life, fab husband, fab house.
sorry.
Dear B,
Sometimes I think of you and how you are choosing to have a sucky life. I know its really hard and stuff...but i also know what an idiot you are. Abusing substances will only get you so far. I'm afraid someday I'm gonna get a phonecall telling me they found your body somewhere....and that makes me so nervous and sad :/
Quit being stupid and throwing away your brain. and your life.
Dear C,
I'm offended you hate me. It hurts my feelings a little.
I was a good friend to you...and I wish you would have appreciated and realized that back then.
I miss you. Still think you are totes beautiful.
but if i ever ran into you, i would immediately run the other way.
And....i still think its funny you can't spell.
Dear D,
I'm still mad at you. and really hurt by you.
I'm mad you dont care. I'm mad that i care.
you are not who people think you are. you are scared of life and kind of a baby.
im glad we ended when we did.
...im also embarrassed i still let you affect me.
I wish i never ever ever ever met you.
and i think its SO stupid you date sluts...because i am fabulous. and funny.
bye.
Dear E,
Does getting married really make you gain 75 pounds?
Just curious.
cuz....I better prepare myself if thats true. :/
Dear F,
You are still in my thoughts, occasionally.
You dont deserve an occasional thought, to be honest.
Stop being psycho.
I wish you hadn't taken up so many years of my life.
I also wish i could use every cuss word imaginable on you. Any respectable person would.
If i ever run into you, i will swiftly kick you in the crotch and run away.
You have been warned.
Dear G,
Thanks for dumping me.
I've lost 15 pounds thanks to you.
Dear H,
Sorry you got partnered with me that one time in class...but contrary to popular belief and your rude opinion, I'm not a lazy student. You are just mad I graduated college in 4 years and am good at passing tests.
Unlike yourself.
Suck on that.
Dear I,
........................you married my dreamboat ex boyfriend i always held out hope for.
Curse you.
Guess what though.....I think you are so so so pretty!!!
And because of that, I hope you get a double chin someday.
Sorry but i do.
See ya never.
Dear J,
Usually in public, people wear CLOTHES.
Just in case you accidentally thought that shirt was a dress.
BYE
Sunday, August 12, 2012
run-ins.
ive been wanting to write this post for a while.
and its funny...because i wanted to write it but waited, and then i had my own run in with my past that left me nervous and unsure. but lets not talk about that.
i talked to one of my best friends the other day who had a 'run-in' with her ex. this ex la la la la la LOVED her unconditionally..the kind of love where nothing you say or do or feel can ever be wrong, and will never take away from the love they have for you. It was the type of love that isnt the movie kind of love, because lets be real... thats not real. it was the kind where it is absolutely pure, unconditional, caring deep love....but guess what? something just wasnt right for her. they were going to get married and everything...but it just didnt feel like it should feel. he loved her with his whole heart for YEARS, even when she didnt know it. and she loved him back, but not the same way. she knew it wasn't going to work. was she scared she was never going to find someone else to love? yes. was she scared she was never going to find someone else who would love her absolutely unconditionally and wholly? yes. did that make her give in to something that didn't feel right? no.
so...they broke up after a long time of being together. the last time they talked, was the actual day they broke up....and didn't talk for months and months. and then guess what? they ran into eachother at school. they knew it was gonna happen sooner or later....just didn't know it would actually be real life to see each other again, ya know?
they acted like.. 'whats uppppppp!'
talked about work...
talked about school.
sarcastically made fun of how the other person looked, like good friends would joke around.
and then it was like 'well..i'm late for work, see ya.'
no lingering eyes.
no smiles you cant contain.
no butterflies or fast heartbeats or sweaty palms.
no '....its SO good to see you........' heartfelt comments.
no lovey-dovey tension between the two of them.
no aching to hold them one more time.
and guess what? no obsessively thinking about it for days on end.
it was just a run-in for them.
and it made me think..how strange things are and how much life can take turns and twists you absolutely never in a MILLION years thought they would.
these two never thought they would casually run into eachother on campus one day, and then go back to work and class the same day and go on living their lives. they never planned that they would say 'whats up!' to each other and then have other engagements they needed to attend to. they never planned they would pass eachother and stop for 5 minutes to catch up on their lives.
they planned to be together, and live life together, and love each other for good. they planned to be in each other's lives for the rest of all time. they planned to have a family, and commit to each other and ALWAYS be the other half of that person.
and it didnt happen.
they will never hold hands again.
or hug each other everyday. and cry together and laugh together.
they are strangers now. and its fine.
its just so crazy to me to think that two people who have been so in love, can be strangers one day...and go on living their lives....and its okay. time passes, and in 6 months everything is so much different than you had planned.... and it happens every single day. people fall in love, and they fall out of it, and life goes on. and then its weird for me to think...that every boy that i have loved has become a stranger to me. and people you thought would be there for always....arent.
i dont quite know what i wanted to figure out by writing this post....but i guess i just realized its weird to me how life has a way of working out, and people have a way of coming and going.
but thats life. it goes on, right?
and its funny...because i wanted to write it but waited, and then i had my own run in with my past that left me nervous and unsure. but lets not talk about that.
i talked to one of my best friends the other day who had a 'run-in' with her ex. this ex la la la la la LOVED her unconditionally..the kind of love where nothing you say or do or feel can ever be wrong, and will never take away from the love they have for you. It was the type of love that isnt the movie kind of love, because lets be real... thats not real. it was the kind where it is absolutely pure, unconditional, caring deep love....but guess what? something just wasnt right for her. they were going to get married and everything...but it just didnt feel like it should feel. he loved her with his whole heart for YEARS, even when she didnt know it. and she loved him back, but not the same way. she knew it wasn't going to work. was she scared she was never going to find someone else to love? yes. was she scared she was never going to find someone else who would love her absolutely unconditionally and wholly? yes. did that make her give in to something that didn't feel right? no.
so...they broke up after a long time of being together. the last time they talked, was the actual day they broke up....and didn't talk for months and months. and then guess what? they ran into eachother at school. they knew it was gonna happen sooner or later....just didn't know it would actually be real life to see each other again, ya know?
they acted like.. 'whats uppppppp!'
talked about work...
talked about school.
sarcastically made fun of how the other person looked, like good friends would joke around.
and then it was like 'well..i'm late for work, see ya.'
no lingering eyes.
no smiles you cant contain.
no butterflies or fast heartbeats or sweaty palms.
no '....its SO good to see you........' heartfelt comments.
no lovey-dovey tension between the two of them.
no aching to hold them one more time.
and guess what? no obsessively thinking about it for days on end.
it was just a run-in for them.
and it made me think..how strange things are and how much life can take turns and twists you absolutely never in a MILLION years thought they would.
these two never thought they would casually run into eachother on campus one day, and then go back to work and class the same day and go on living their lives. they never planned that they would say 'whats up!' to each other and then have other engagements they needed to attend to. they never planned they would pass eachother and stop for 5 minutes to catch up on their lives.
they planned to be together, and live life together, and love each other for good. they planned to be in each other's lives for the rest of all time. they planned to have a family, and commit to each other and ALWAYS be the other half of that person.
and it didnt happen.
they will never hold hands again.
or hug each other everyday. and cry together and laugh together.
they are strangers now. and its fine.
its just so crazy to me to think that two people who have been so in love, can be strangers one day...and go on living their lives....and its okay. time passes, and in 6 months everything is so much different than you had planned.... and it happens every single day. people fall in love, and they fall out of it, and life goes on. and then its weird for me to think...that every boy that i have loved has become a stranger to me. and people you thought would be there for always....arent.
i dont quite know what i wanted to figure out by writing this post....but i guess i just realized its weird to me how life has a way of working out, and people have a way of coming and going.
but thats life. it goes on, right?
Monday, August 6, 2012
what i've been up to
i went to LA to visit a friend... a bestest friend i've had since we were..oh... zero years old. forreal. it was SO good to see her and her cute family. we crafted, played, swam, beached, and played some more.
then i went to st G and it was the besssssssssst group vacay i've had in a long time! we swam, caved, napped, swam, boated, swam, and watched the orympics all weekend.
up next: zions/st G again..flaming gorge with the fam...tennessee with christy...then california for baby petty's first baby shower!.
WOOP.
then i went to st G and it was the besssssssssst group vacay i've had in a long time! we swam, caved, napped, swam, boated, swam, and watched the orympics all weekend.
up next: zions/st G again..flaming gorge with the fam...tennessee with christy...then california for baby petty's first baby shower!.
WOOP.
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