Thursday, August 16, 2012

Lunch Lady LUZ

Once upon an elementary school, there was a lunch lady. Named Luz.

Not pronnounced "Luce" or "Luhz"
....prounounced.... LOOHZ.

Luz was from...i dont even know what country. Turkey? Trinidad? Somewhere in the baltics? IDK.
anyways...all the kids were a yiiiiiiddle bit afraid of her, because she had a VERY thick accent and was always frazzled and frustrated when she had to deal with children. she was nice if you were one of the first 10 kids to pay in the lunchline, because it was....only 10 kids. but i was usually in one of the bad classes with the 'bad' kids, so we always got to lunch later than the rest of the classes. we waited in the hot sun, were STARVING, loud and kids later, i usually got my hot lunch....from Luz...the pissed-off-english-as-a-second-language-lunch-lady.

My elementary was known for having the most AWFUL hotdogs (pink and green hotdogs that bounced when you dropped them...) and we were also known for the best D-A-M-N curly fries this side of the mississippi. they were perfect curly fries. long and soggy and seasoned to boot. ANYWAY.

So, I would get meany-pants LUZ when she was sweaty, pissed, frazzled, stressed, and so annoyed with the children that she didnt even try to speak english, she basically just yelled at you:
this was after i had handed her my handful of sweaty change from my swishy pants that probably consisted of dimes and nickels. Sure she didnt like counting the change...but shes a lunch lady, what should she expect!? i always had to hold my breath nervously whenever i got hot lunch...because sometimes Luz would 'count wrong' and look up at you and started jibberishing at you again.
Cheeks hot.
Palms sweaty.
Shove hands in swishy pants pockets.
Nervous glance upwards through my bangs.

Luz: You No HAVA!!!!! Bruntomukkay?
me: *shyly* umm huh?
Luz: Bruntomu nohaveh tensentsa!!! ukkay!
me: .............what did you say?

and then she would shoo me off to pick up my flimsy white tray holding tots, fries and cold green beans. How was i to know i was 10 cents short? I HAD HOLES IN MY POCKETS SOMETIMES OKAY!?

Good memories in that cafeteria i tell you. Finding out my elementary crush actually liked me back..... trading my fig newtons for some pudding or gushers.....leaving class early and walking my kindergarten buddies to get free lunch..(and trying to get them to teach me arabic)...and the best, was Sarah S.  One time in the cafeteria, i remember telling Sarah S. that the red jello served by Luz was actually sheep guts. She believed me and threw away her lunch.

So..everyone knew the lunch food AND the lunch lady were sketchy..................................So what did i do as class representative in the school student council?

....Wrote a school newspaper article about the *mystery meat* us children were being served in the cafeteria. I think the title of the article was actually called, *Mystery Meat in the Cafeteria*. I was so clever and original. and PUBLISHED. i was published. WIN.

i remember going in during student council time with a friend and telling Luz we needed to examine the meat. I dont remember the conversation, but i imagine it went something like this:

Me: I need to examine the meat for the school newspaper
Luz: hjfkdshfjkdshfkdjslafhuniwrhuialnmc
Me: .....meat.
Luz: HEEYA *throws down frozen chicken patties infront of me and my 'assistant'.*

We tore into the meat and find green tinted coloring (real) and suspicious black 'dots' (fake on the suspicious part)...........i published in the paper that it was probably mold...but im pretty sure it was just pepper.

Moral of the story: Luz was crazy and fed us poison. And she had a poisonous attitude towards children.

The end.

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