The not so lovely bones..

I was super stoked to see this movie. Come to find out...it was like a really long, really creepy Law and Order episode tripped out on acid. With no justice at the end. It gave me the heebiejeebies.

Darn you Susie Salmon. I'm gonna have nightmares forever.

spare me the comments.

Just.. dont say anything. just let me vent for a minute. because i never really say what i feel on my blog. which is an oxymoron because its a journal for heavens sake. but just don't say anything. it will save me the embarrassment of seeing my dating life how it really is, okay?

I shouldn't be cynical about things in my life- because i'm so, so blessed. But after a while of dating loser after loser after jerk after loser...the whole 'i dont want you thing' kind of gets old. and then my heart starts to feel a little bit like there is a part of it thats defected. like.. they don't want it because there is something wrong with it. they take it for about a month or so... am convinced i am some awesome girl they really adore, and then they scramble to find their reciept for my poor, pathetic heart and rush as fast as they can to give it back to me. the sucky thing is..after a breakup, i vow to never date again. that vow lasts for about 3-6 months and then i do the same stupid thing over again.

i mean.. it wouldnt be so bad if they didn't give me reasons. the same reasons. like.. "i thought i wanted it. i thought i really liked you, and i liked kissing you and stuff. and i could see us together. but i just don't want it. guess i was wrong. you're really pretty though. but, sorry."

Last night i was looking for a letter and I came across an old dove chocolate wrapper that i had flattened out and saved. you know the ones with the cute little fortunes? well, it said.."see how much your heart can hold." i wanted to crumple it up and curse. i didn't. i politely put it back where i had found it.

anyways, watching movies and buying reeses and knitting gets old after a while. eating my feelings gets old. telling myself that there is a guy who will actually WANT to spend time with me...that gets old as well. it also gets old when i'm walking down the valentines aisle at walmart (i LOVE the holiday aisle at wallyworld. LOVE it.) ...and realizing that a boy hasnt wanted to be with me since i was 15. i'm being serious. wanna know what else gets old? hearing about ex after ex getting engaged. funny.


true life: i'm defected.

The Livvycole Diaries: Episode 1

l-o-v-e

i have this curse with dating. that is all. i'd explain it on the blogosphere but i have this fear that someday all my ex's will read this...so..i'll spare the details of me crying and writing in my journal. heres some pathetic weepy lovey dovey songs that make my heart heppy.

i've been listening to these wonderful youtubes lately. (thank you christy for introducing me.) i ruv julia nunes voice. shes great. and funny. and has a fish named trevor. and she does covers in her dorm room at college. and ben folds saw her singing one of his songs on youtube, and he invited her on tour with him. awesome.

anyways, i like to imagine myself as being in love with mr. wonderful..and then i find myself making a soundtrack to my romance in my head with these songs. You'd think by the age of 20 i'd actually have a real hobby....

(ps me complaining about dating and then proclaiming my love for julia nunes makes me sound like a lesbian. IM NOT. i love men. i just love these songs she sings.)

and scene.

so i deleted my facebook last night.
for reasons too pathetic to post, but my friends probably could guess why. i'm one day strong. huzzah. its official: im pathetic.

i was reading my biology book in the library today... cells are pretty kewwwwwwwwwwwl. also, i learned if a guy is sterile its probably a good chance he has respiratory problems as well. interesting. also, i learned on google facts that a jellyfish is 95% water. has no brain or eyes or heart or anything. weird.

I all of a sudden got addicted to 'Teen Mom' on mtv. Ray jay, real chance of love, 16 and pregnant!? Come on people! (ps look forward to an upcoming blog about a silent library..)

Why do i love trashy reality shows!?

i'm taking something much better than i thought i would. denial? maybe. rationality? doubtful. its probably denial.

my elbow pit in my right arm has been aching for two days.

i cannot for the life of me figure out why.

I heard a song today that brought back memories from a certain class in highschool. It was the one class that kept me going to highschool. It made me miss those people really, really bad. It made me think of sponges and colored water and people i havent talked to in ages, and possibly will never talk to again. It made my heart ache. Good song.

sometimes in the winter time i get lonesome. i think im going to buy a fish. (ps my professor admitted yesterday that he had virtual fish on facebook. haha.)

speaking of facebook for the third time in this post, my bishop sent us an email telling us to add him and join our ward group. ITS. TAKING. OVER. THE. WORLD.

i attended the worst dance showcase thing today. . the only part that wasnt painfully awkward was the announcer, who i will not name but plan to wed someday in the near future.

SWOON!

Statistics 1040 its the dumbest class in the history of logical thinking.

I'm aching fore summer and fishing and bare feet and tanning and ice cream.

Logan is an icy hell.

that is all.

and scene.

Food Fail.

When asked WHY we went to Smith's and what on earth made us purchase copious amounts of unhealthy food.. all me and livvy could do was explain that "...we were sad!!" So we got jelly beans, cinnamin lips, two packages of cookies, 5- 12 packs of dr. pepper and diet coke, pretzels, snickers, m&m's, and reeses.. Mind you, this was gone within 2 days. College is stressful okay!?!? At least it wasn't nutella, right? :( Pretty soon I'm gonna be on the news and will have to be lifted out of my apartment with a crane. Oh well. At least i'll get my own TLC special on how fat i am. I bet Nadeene is rubbing her chubby little hands together in victory...

Thumbs up to Nadeene for ruining my life and foiling my plans to eat healthier.

p.s. thanks for this michelle.

Please meet: Nadeene

So, i have this friend...well a foe actually..and she is a little girl who is really, really fat. and she lives inside of me. Sometimes, like over thanksgiving weekend and after other major holidays, she comes out to taunt me and she makes me gain 6 pounds in 2 days. Lets call her Nadeene. She looks something like this:





Nadeene is terrible. She has been coming out of her shell lately and its really starting to piss me off..She makes me the kind of girl who is sitting in her bed at 1 in the morning with nutella and pretzels...who is feverishly licking the chocolate off her fingers from dipping deep into the hazelnut spread so that the greedy little fat girl inside of me can get every last bit of chocolately pleasure. and then..i look down and realize i've consumed a whole jar of nutella in less than 12 hours. and i am ashamed. and she is victorious.

And THEN.. she does stuff like throw things in my cart when i'm grocery shopping!! She does it sly so i don't notice. I imagine its sorta like a grab-and- toss-behind-the-back kinda thing. So there i am at the checkstand and all these items are embarrassing me because only a CHILD would live off of them..and nadeene is very pleased inside. very, very pleased. pleased because the checker thinks that i have a goal of reaching 250 pounds, and pleased because she has won. This is serious business folks.



The fat girl inside me MUST be stopped! Operation starvation is starting! (not really starvation, just operation eat at LEAST one healthy thing a day to replace all the chocolate i consume. starvation just rhymes well.)

Prepare to die little fat girl, prepare to die.

quote of the day

her: how are you?

me: good, how are you?

her: i sat on my couch all day.. ate like three thousand calories..cried into a quesadilla and watched a whole lot of the oxygen channel.. and i didn't even put pants on till 9 p.m.


bless your heart sister. cheer up, emo kid.

oh just the greatest youtubes yet..

hahaha lookin like a FOOL!

and......



i cant choose which part is my favorite. it would have to either be the fonz clones, the angel gettin jiggy with it, the flying monk, orrrrrr just the phrase "mullet with headlights".

Oh stats. You KILL me

Disclaimer: I am not racist. I love all people. It is just funny that sometimes the hardest part about my courses.. is that i can't understand what my professors are saying. First Yi Hong who had never been to the states..And now this. SAWEEEEEET. hahah. oh it makes things interesting, thats for sure.

I hate math, have always hated math, and always will. And, you know my luck with professors. So, of course, my math professor for stats 1040 has a VERY thick accent from New Zealand. His name is Richard Cutler. He sounds something like this..
"Ello theya! Muy names Riychahd Cuhtlah aynd I'yll be teaychin ya a little sohmthin colled Statistycks."

Funny right? No. Not when the subject is statistics. I try really hard to pay attention..but mostly i end up sprawled out in the back seats catchin some Z's. Its tough work trying to decipher if he is saying or 'fraction' or 'fiction'.. or 'factor' or..'raptor'. cuz you know. dinos like to eat pies and stuff...i dont know.

Oh but dont worry, my recitation instructor is there on wednesdays and fridays to help us go over some of the stats questions in depth, so we get a better feel for what the professor is saying...our class is also WAY smaller, so its supposed to be a time we can get 1 on 1 help. But oh wait.. My recitation leader is also new to the english language. He is very funny, and very asian. I like him alot, minus that its a double whammy that i can't understand anything my stats teachers are saying. Here are some things that Yaw said today in class that made me rofl and made me excited to go to recitation every week:

"You have eat the lunch already? The donut to keep you awakes?"
"Ok so, lets wap up this segment..alcohol makes you pregnant."
"When yoo eat the diet coke, it taste like ink"
"O the sushi sucks."
"It good to talk out loud with you because i can't think the english word in my mind either then when i talk outloud too."
"Okay, sorry to keep asking this dumb-ass question, but wha is the confounding facta?"

HAHAHAHAHA.
Thank you for making my day, Yaw.

oh college.

You never seem to let me down with interesting professors...

Ben Stein

+

Professor Trelawny

+

Sid the Sloth

=



My social work teacher. She.. yes she..is the head of my department as well. Awesome.

oh the joys of being a CNA..

I'm going to be singin the blues tomorrow when i have to get up for work. No matter what drugs i take..(okay so sometimes i like sleeping pills), i never seem to feel rested. I've been getting up everyday at getting in that frigid car to go to work every day this week. I'm not complaining.. actually i am. Its just been a hard week- and i'm going back to Logan tomorrow and i'm not ready for the new semester at all. Oh well.

Patient # 1: The past 2 days of work have been delightful. First of all, a new patient i had was the most adorable greek man ever. He was the type of person who acts like he's known you forever. After i cleaned up his house and cooked him breakfast, he showed me a greek cookbook and we talked about greece for about an hour. He told me that i need to learn how to cook chicken and okrah, (whatever the heck that is..) He told me about his wife who had just passed away a few months previously..and it was sort of heartbreaking. With tears in his eyes he told me how much she loved going back to see her family in Greece, and how she would go every year. He choked back a sob and i could tell he was torn- he didn't know whether to go back without his sweet wife. Life is so different for him now..and i could tell he missed her so much. He showed me pictures and I mentioned how beautiful she was. Again tears filled his eyes. I tried to change the subject to something lighter.. so i said... "You like whiskey?" hahahha he had a whiskey book on his table and a few bottles lying around. it was a funny conversation :) He sure liked his scotch. I dont blame him. I'd drink myself to death if my spouse of 60 years died. (Not really. Okay.. maybe.)

Patient # 2: Another patient i had was the sweetest old lady; and can i just say she was absolutely STUNNING. I'm not kidding, i couldnt figure out who she looked like for like an hour.. but then i thought, she is the spitting image of Angelina Jolie..in about 40 or so years. I'm not even kidding. Sorry if thats creepy- but whatever. Her red lipstick and purple eyeshadow she could have done without, but her smile was so genuine. and her eyes lit up whenever she talked about her family. She told me she met her husband in a factory they were both working at during the war...And they couldnt get married for 3 years until he returned from the service. They had lived together in that very house for 60 years until he passed. Now she lived there alone..and i could tell she was lonesome. Her kids want to put her in an assisted living, but she has all those memories there. :( I told her that assisted living places are over rated, and she seemed to be getting along fine. (Her kids probably wouldnt like that, but whatever. i love her.) She told me that she would look at this digital picture frame her kids got her when she was lonely, with most of the pictures on there of her husband. It was pretty tender. I was off to the kitchen today to make her lunch, and as i was preparing her meal i found that i had to search the fridge for anything that wasn't expired :( She settled for pears and tuna fish that was close to its due date..its all she had. Later we watched a full hour of 'Alaksa's Most Extreme' and it was funny. Never watch bear attacks with an old woman. hahahahah. She is great. I'd post a picture of her, but that is SO against all the rules of HIPPA. Not to be confused with hippo.

Patient #3: Earlier this week i went to an old patients house that i saw over the summer... lets call her thelma.. and she had declined alot since i last saw her. I kinda don't like going to her house..its always messy and smelly and it makes me so sad that she lives there by herself. To her i was a new face, she didn't remember me, so she was giving me a really hard time. I've never been impatient with a patient. Ever. but this lady was KILLING ME. and it probably went down in the books as one of the grossest nights of my little CNA career...I'll spare you the details. I've never dry heaved at a patients house either..hmm. it was awful. But i scrubbed drool off me all night. (and other things i wont say.. they rhyme with meces.. boop.. and smit) Thelma refused to take her pills for me, so she kept them in her mouth all night and spit out the drool on occasion when i turned my head. It wouldn have been so bad if she hadnt refused to take them before i got there...but she sneakily spit them out after her neighbor gave them to her. I found them all sticky in her lap, stuck to her pants. Oh thelma. My shower was extra long that night.

Patient #4: This morning as i tried to wake bev, she refused to get out of bed and said, 'i'll be ready when i'm ready!' Ron had to come in twice to coax her out. He slowly hobbled over to her bed in his christmas robe and loafers and leaned down and said, "Good morning precious!" He put chapstick on her lips, and leaned over and gave her three little kisses. He continued, "I'd sure like to have breakfast with ya this mornin. I think it'd be best if you got up and got ready for the day so we can spend the mornin together." A huge smile came over her face and she agreed to get out of bed. They are still so in love. I love seeing them together. I don't know what i'm gonna do when she passes away.

Patient # 5': Mary was in the last stages of alzheimers..and her husband has struggled to take care of her for about 5 years, all by himself. I could tell how frustrated he was. He was really cross with her when she wouldnt respond, or would hold tight to her wheelchair and get mad at us. He had to be cross with her or else she wouldn't do a thing.. but it still made me sad. I asked her how she was doing.. and her husband said, "don't bother, she cant understand anything youre saying." Obviously she was confused 90% of the time.. but when he left the room, i was changing her soaking wet brief she was sitting in all day..and she quiety said to me, "Thank you for all you do. I really appreciate it." It felt kinda awesome to hear her say that.

Though i end up plugging my nose about 1/2 the day when I'm working... Its worth it. Every little frustrating moment is worth it...for moments when i see patients greiving, saying thank you, talking jibberish, smiling, laughing, saying things that make no sense at all, and all that good stuff.

randoms

the other morning when i was feeding barb her breakfast.. annie, her overweight pooch started howling at her... barb started howling back in her old, crackled voice. And then she looked at me and said, "What are the rules? To eating these oranges?"

I informed her there weren't any rules, and she was delighted.



oh p.s. ever heard the song 'cowboy casanova' by carrie underwood? well.. its a good one. and its on repeat in my brain. that is all.

quote of the day

speaking about my dog who has been biting small children lately..

"Hey mister, you're life is in jeopardy! You better mind your P's and Q's- You big, fat vicious sausage!!!"-mother.

House of Horrors

This morning i went to a new patients house in salt lake. by the looks of the outside...i was in for a treat.

You know the houses you see on the news with caution tape surrounding the outside? Yeah well i imagine that this house could someday be a posterchild for a terrifying crime scene that may someday pop up on the news. Dont get me wrong, my patient this morning was the CUTEST old man i have ever seen in my entire life, and i'm not exaggerating. Bless his heart, his pants kept falling down, his beenie and scarf and gloves made him look like a little kid, and his glasses were falling off his face...and during breakfast he picked up the same can of condensed milk to read the front of it every 55 seconds. (i counted.)

I guess he was living with his daughter...who came to the door in a leopard shirt and def leopard hair. i kid you not- straight outta the eighties...she eerily resembled Linda on 'The Wedding Singer'. slightly uncomfortable.

But oh wait, i enter the house and almost started crying. It looked like it hadn't been clean for months. How can anyone take care of someone, let alone a senile old man who has a memory span of 55 seconds, in a cluttered run down house? It seriously broke my heart. There was old food lying around the kitchen, mold in the bathtub, the walls were flaking off...there wasnt even enough floor space to get his walker through one room without having to move something. it was sad. I felt so blessed to live where i live and felt so awful for this poor man. If i had more time with this patient, i would deep clean their whole house when the freaky daughter left for work. And then i'd give my patient a lollipop and let him wander ANYWHERE he wanted to. Yes, i think thatd make him delighted.

Apart from this morning breaking my heart, it also creeped me out. I felt like i was in a clown house. I looked to the big pink wall on the righthand side of the house, and it was covered in masks. Yes, masks. probably like, 40 of them. Terrifying.

If you followed the pink wall upstairs past the masks, you saw the main wall of the landing which was a huge, solid chalkboard. Yes, the wall was one whole chalkboard. The absolute only thing i could think was.. "What the hell?" Along with the freaky chalkboard wall, all throughout the house...one wall of everyroom had a wall of mirrors. solid mirrors. even in the shower. creepy. I honestly was waiting for Chucky to run around the corner with a knife. along with that strange decore, the windows were draped with ponchos and decorated with fake flowers... Windchimes and birdhouses cluttered the kitchen, and I felt like i was in martha stewart hell.

After i showered the poor man and got him dressed, i took him to his adult daycare center. Dont worry though, 'Linda from The Wedding Singer' gave me the wrong directions so there i was in my red minivan with a 90- year old man bundled up in the front seat of the car not knowing who i was or where we were going...I think all of my U-turns were making him even more confused.. After driving around for quite some time, i realized that the center was about .2 miles away from his house. FAIL.

Am i going back on wednesday at 6:45 in the morning to shower him and take him to his adult day care again? You betchya.