Monday, February 14, 2011

my heart

disclaimer: i apologize for being honest in a flowery, dairy-like kind of way. but, its valentines.

happy fourteenth day of february. valentines has never been too special for me.. mostly because i've had experiences in my dating years like: the one time i got dumped 2 days before valentines/the night before my prom...somehow ending up in tears crying to my mother every other year, etc...

i've never had an extrordinary valentines day, ever. ever ever.
 i just want one extrordinary day. i do! i really do.

since me and boy broke up things have been really just...blah. i wont go into too much relationshippy detail, but not having your other half is kinda weird. when i found him? my heart kind of went, 'oh, there you are. i've been waiting for you.'

and now? no one to laugh at my painfully lame jokes, no one to eat oatmeal and fruit salad with, no one to grocery shop with and go down every single aisle with picking out the good stuff the other one likes, no date nights or stay home dinners to be made for each other, no more finding love notes on my computer, no more hiding love notes in his room, no more dropping me off at class when i'm running late, no more walking into my room to a surprise, no more redboxing movies and never returning more honking and waving at random strangers walking by, etc. and realizing that the valentines gift you thought of 5 months earlier won't ever be given.... sort of isnt the funnest thing in the world.

just no more bestest other half puzzle piece best friend. and its sad. and people can say i'm better off..maybe because they just want whats best for me, they hate seeing me cry and just hope for my happiness because they love me. i respect every piece of advice i get and take it into consideration..
 but in the end its me..its my experience, my feelings, i know every piece of whats going on and what its been like the past 9 months. they arent the ones going to bed with half of a heart and waking up everyday trying to remember how to function with the other half of it gone. and its difficult.

so whaddoo i dooo? be bitter and eat valentines candy by myself? watch love movies and cry my eyes out? rember how much love i had in my heart for a best friend i thought i'd never find and just be pissy all day?

i dont mean to sound like a hippie- but i dont think valentines day is meant to be bitter for all the single people out there. i just dont think the hearts and candy and flowers are meant to be rubbed in peoples faces and make them cry.. i dont think people should want to punch the check out lady just for being overly-giddy and wishing you a happy valentines day. i think its a day to appreciate the fact that there is a little thing called love in this world! in all the bad everywhere, just knowing that it exists in every culture, every person, every place makes the world a tiny bit less bad, dont you think? think about it..some people live for it. some people claim theyll never find it. some children crave it. some friendships grow into it. some marriages lack it. some strangers give it. some die for it. some feel it through religion. some teenagers fall into it. some people would do anything to love and be loved. its evvvverrryyywheeerrreee.

i just feel lucky to have felt it in my heart already, and i'm only 21.

i know it exists. i see it when i catch my best friend staring at her fiance, i hear it when an elderly person talks of their long-gone spouse, i feel it when i earnestly pray, and i see it when my friend holds and kisses her baby.

i love:
the gospel
my wonderful family
my friends
the opportunity to serve others
people who have loved me in return

the people in the world who are willing to give you a sincere smile and wish you a happy valentines day at the check out stand.

moral of the post: dont punch the happy people. love them. and be grateful if you're heart has felt love.


Amylee said...

Know what I think? I think you should still give him that gift that you thought of 5 months ago. I don't know the details of what went down in your relationship, and I don't know if he's with someone else, and I don't know if he hates his Mom. All I know is that if you love someone, you should show them.

No regrets, baby.

I love you.

Brooke Shoko said...

i appreciate this post.
and i love you.

and also you're an excellent writer.
thank you.

Ryan Snow said...

love. i love this post.

MissyJEE said...

:) thank you cole. i was at the grocery store tonight with my mom, and there were like twenty guys in line with flowers and chocolate dipped fruit and for the first v-day ever, i didn't say mocking cynical things, i just smiled. cause it's wonderful. for them. for me. for everyyyyyyone! :)

brittyd said...

I luv uuuu. I'll laugh at your jokes...cuz they are freakin FUNNY. not painfully lame.

Erinn E. said...

I looooooove this. It's perfect.

Finding Joy In the Journey said...

love you. call me sometime =)

Smiling At The World Through Rose Colored Glasses said...

Thanks for reminding me not to be bitter. Sometimes it's hard to fall into the "Single's Awareness Day" mode on V-day. Appreciating your blog and humorous insight into life as we know it! :)