3rd grade journal

I found my Hello Kitty diary.
yes...my very first one. i think i started it when i was 6...can 6 year olds even write? i dont know. I think i was 7/8/9 for most of these entries. and I really do remember sitting on my bunk bed writing them. (especially the novel about my elementary love, Drew*. it took me like, 2 hours to write that thing.)
*name has been changed just in case he EVER sees this, HEAVEN FORBID.

the entries progressively get more embarrassing.
but come fourth grade, i get pretty ridiculous. and way too boy crazy. which is funny, because i was NOT cute. i was a chubby awkward kid.
i'm including a photo for your reading pleasure:

i made sure to make it a full length body shot, so you could get the entire vibe of my awkwardness....including my swishy pants and black anklet.
enjoy.
(i even threw in the letter to Drew that i wrote '20 years from now'. omg kill me.)



I have the nicest family in the univers.
love, nicole

..

Dear Diary,
I'm gonna draw
(insert picture of christmas tree here)

..

Dear Diary,
ahhhhhh. My private stash is SHHHHH!
in my pic book.
Love,
Nicole
actually its not.

(im so clever, even tricking my diary)
..

My Dear Diary
I have told you many things. Don't tell a word. If you do....well you can't  huh!

..

Dear Diary,
In my stash secret, you would hear everything.
Love,
Nicole

(WTF was i talking about? stash secret?)
..

Dear Diary,
I met a boy named Julius. Hes sweet like every other guy in this world. Hailey asked me if i liked him and of coarse i said 'no, we're just friends'. Like i havent heard that line in my life before!!

(who is this kid writing this stuff!?!?)
..

Dear Diary,
.
.
.
.
.
bye

..

Dear Diary,
It was May 5, my day to lead the line. school quickly ended and i went to play practice Belle and the Beast were talking and told him she had to leave through half of the practice. well im her understudy. any guess who the beast is. DREW! at the end of the play I had to tell him i love him or like him, i dont know which one. we had to dance together and when the director was talking we were about to start and were in dacing position. we waited for a minute and dropped position. then we started and i was looking at my shoes and he was looking at the wall. i had my hand on his shoulder and he had his hand on my side. our other hand were holding hands and dancing. i loved every minute of it. i really do like him. My friends were laughing at me cause at the end i was supposed to say, "i love you!!" in the script it says "i like you" so. i really do. well im going to church and going to see him there. we both still like eachother i think.

..

Dear Diary,
there is an annoying boy named Frank. He is so stupid. G2G. Ps I asked Logan out. He said no.

(dont worry guys. come 10th grade when i went back to visit, me and Logan kissed. elementary dream completed. REDEMPTION.)
..

Dont you hate it when guys do something really... you know!!! Well, i have to go carve a punkin. i still dont know if i am madly in BFGF with him anymore. well G2G bye, nicole

..

a note 20 years from now.
Dear Drew,
Hows life? How is your business going? My dream came true. I am a marine Bioligest. Well half. My other part is marrying you. WB
Nicole.



I'm embarrassed for my children. I feel so bad that they get my genes.

quote

the sunday funnies

 

Gabby's pool and Stephanie Tanner

Once upon a hot summer day, my mother decided to take all of us over to my big sister jackie’s friends house, Gabby. Gabby’s family was so sweet and im sure said ‘suuuuuure bring all of your 5 daughters over to swim any time you want!’ They were just nice like that and im sure we begged our mother to take them up on that offer. The most water activity we had was running through the sprinklers with umbrellas...so a pool day would have been UNREAL.  So, one hot day, I remember finally walking with my mom and sisters down 2 blocks to Gabby’s house. I had been SO EXCITED all day and had tried patiently to contain my excitement by watching Full House for hours on end, so I would get my mind off how excited I was. Well..when the time came, we got to gabby’s backyard..and low and behold….the most GLORIOUS dough-boy pool you have ever seen in your life. It even had a ladder you had to climb up on!!!!!!!! Man this was great…this was…. *fear sets in* did I have my water wings on? Were there sharks in there? Other marine wildlife? Octopus? Whales? Octopus-shark-whales? Has anyone ever drowned in this pool before?

My sisters hopped in, and I insisted on following my mom into the kitchen where she chatted with Gabby’s mom. I wanted to wait a few minutes.... maybe i just ate and wanted my stomach to settle? I was being responsible....I'd swim later.

My sisters had immediately rushed to the pool and im sure flopped their homely little selves in. (you don’t believe how homely we looked? Heres a picture of a regular summer day growing up):

Anyway.. as i would run between the kitchen and would longingly run to the sliding glass door to watch my sisters swim around...my sisters would say.. ‘Cmon coco! Come in the water with us. We’ll hold on to you!’ and ‘oh just come in…its fun! We wont even splash..’  or ‘I’ll let you wear my goggles!’ anyways, their words did not find comfort in the fear I was feeling. I was no fool. I was a cautious child. And then something happened. as I was considering getting into the glorious pool......... *flashback to great America* the fear…and anticipation…had suddenly filled my bladder. I had to pee SO BADLY but of course did NOT want to use a strangers bathroom! HOW EMBARRASSING WOULD THAT BE!? Only babies had to go to the bathroom at strangers houses...and I was 5! I realized I probably had to pee since my Full House marathon, but was so enthralled by D.J. and Steves love, that I probably did not want to miss a SECOND of those episodes.

I was fine. I’d hold it. Im a champ. Over and out. Its not like it was at Great America..there was no rushing water, rapids and waterfalls taunting me. It was fine. I was fine and a BIG GIRL. I’d hold my pee like a champ.

Finally after getting bored of mother’s conversation and my sisters nagging…I decided to go outside. I didn’t have to pee so bad, I was really hot, and could use a dip in the pool. brush that dirt of ya shoulda. i could do it. I WAS GOING TO OVERCOME MY FEAR DANGIT. I had waited so long for this dough-boy pool experience.

            So, my sisters hopped back in, and waited for me to come in. I climbed one step. Water wings ready. I was ok. I climbed 2 steps. Getting nervous. I climbed three steps and saw just how deep the water was in that 3  ½ foot walmart pool.  Four steps. *fear floods me, in an excited sort of way* and suddenly…I feel hot pee running down my legs. Standing at the top of the swim steps.....i look down at the pee dripping down my legs..back up at the pool staring at me. down at my legs...back up at the rest of the swimmers.. the whoooooole pool watching me in disgust. *crickets chirp*. PANIC.

I of course start crying and run to my mother, in which she profusely apologizes to Gabby and her mother  for her daughter urinating all over their swim steps and walks me home to change.

Annnnnd that was the day I was so excited to go swimming, that I peed myself.....

 --------

Cut to a nightmare I had around this time. It was of course, after the swimming pool incident…probably 6 months after this traumatizing experience.

I was there once more.. in Gabby’s backyard…with my swimmy on and water wings ready. The large walmart pool  that had defeated me earlier was calling my name. My sisters were there, encouraging me to get in.  but this time, I was so much braver than I had been in real life!!

(Redemption!!!! This would be my chance)

I walked over to the pool confidently…only to see Willy, from Free Willy jumping gallantly across the pool waters. I was amazed! A pool AND a whale!?!? *FIST PUMP!* Amazing. How cool was it that this pool was actually big enough that a medium dream whale could be swimming around in it!? I could almost hear 'i will be there' by michael jackson playing in the background of my dream.

To fulfill this amazing dream.. naturally I want to get in and swim with it. As I am climbing the dream ladder… right where I had started wetting myself in real life, in my DREAM LIFE, fear absolutely overcomes me. What do I see when I look down? No, not dream-pee running down my dream-legs....

I see Stephanie Tanner’s dead head, FLOATING IN THE WATER.

Willy had killed her. Decapitated her. And her dead head was floating in Gabby's pool.

I looked around.... my sisters were gone.. Gabby was gone.. my mom was gone...it was me, killer Willy, and Stephanie Tanner's dead head.

I was absoutely dream paralyzed.

I immediately woke up crying and vowed that the rest of my childhood, i would not get in a pool big enough to house even the idea of a dream killer whale.
or a medium dream whale.
or Stephanie Tanner.

my little triple toddlers

My babes....

Parker, Georgie and Edison.

i love them more and more each day.

 

Parks growls like a lion, giggles uncontrollably, loves pushing the toy vacuum, shopping cart, and empty bottles around like cars... and has this annoying scream-cry-wail he does for attention. i love it.

George is an absolute TANK and enjoys slapping me across the face, beating up his brothers, and stealing their toys. He is a stage 5 clinger, and can always find him grabbing onto my legs begging me to pick him up. i love it.

Edison is the happiest baby in the world, despite his physical restrictions he has. He has recently found the Elmo book to be pure hilarity..and he laughs for dayyyyyys whenever i pull it out to read to him. He also is a fan of my little tickle game i play with him called 'yippideeee skipideeeee'. i love it.

 

yuv my yittle nuggies. 

best job ever: playing with babies all day.

i have a lot on my little mind.

you know when you see something, and then you get kinda sick over it? like... your stomach does this awful dive and all of a sudden your body goes all tingly and you wanna cry/vomit? and your heart just aches so bad that its almost physical? you can actually almost FEEL it?

that happened today.
i dont like that it happened.
i'm absolutely done with it happening.


man..if i had hermione's time turner.......i'd go back and undo so many decisions i made.
"ohhh but you learn so much from your past! you wouldn't take it back, not really. you don't mean it."
BULL.

i mean it.
i'd go back in a heartbeat.

i'd never have met certain people. i'd have done it differently.  i'd have never even entertained the thought of it. i'd have listened to my gut and not forced it. i'd have stopped it from happening. i'd have left sooner. i wouldnt have wasted time and energy and tears. i'd have stopped myself. i wouldn't have risked it!

because in the end, it wasn't worth it.
it 1000000% wasn't worth it, not one bit.
not worth the tears, and the nights i can't sleep, and the replaying it over in my mind!


i've come to a ginormo realization today.
listen world:
dating.. and love.. and romantic relationships.. and marriage aren't for me.
when i get hurt by someone...i lose trust and hope and happiness... and i entirely lose myself.
and thats not how it should be.
i feel like there are going to be big things in my life, but being half of a whole just isn't in those plans. it always has been...but i honestly don't feel like its in my plans anymore.

it can be for everyone else out there...i'm not saying i'm a love hater!
i'm not bitter. im years past bitter. heck, i will 'like' every marriage photo on facebook that pops up of the rest of my friends getting hitched...but i don't think i'm going to end up like them....which is fine. you have to be really, really, really, REALLY lucky to find your perfect match. and ive had a reality check and realized that that doesn't happen for everyone. for some reason, i always thought it happened for every person out there. not everyone lucks out like that. for those of you who DID luck out...i hope you truly cherish it! you lucky people are the ones that get something not everyone gets to have.

i haven't ever felt this way before..but i think i just am honestly going to share my life with myself & forget the plans i had. i don't want my plans anymore.

i hope its not wrong of me to feel this way.
lets see how it goes.

today at church.

i learned a lesson today at church.


me: "i hate singles wards"
b: "i hate them more"
me: "bless..this ward. just bless it."

this was the conversation my friend and I had before sacrament today. this was after i sat through a 30 minute sunday school lesson where the teacher giggled about adam and eve the entire time and said 'like' more than i would have 'liked' her to. i thought about getting up to leave, but didn't want to be TERRIBLY rude...so i just tuned her out entirely and pulled out my conf talks on my phone. ANYWAY. it was a frustrating day at church to say the least. i think i may have rolled my eyes.

sacrament began, announcements are made, the 2nd counselor then says the bishop is out of town for the next week so please hold off on sinning, (i found this hilarioius and gave the singles ward 1 point for this) and the hymns were sung.

in walks a girl with a dress so short, my friend and i almost audibly said a prayer that her entire behind wouldnt show to the rest of the congregation when she sat down. and please bless she was at least wearing underwear!!! lucky for us, her hiney was covered as she sat...but was terribly close to being exposed. (note to young, hip, stylish, fashinista girls: hooker shoes and short dresses shant be worn to church..but if they must, CHOOSE ONE OR THE OTHER!!!!)

this gave me another reason to roll my eyes.

right before the sacrament, my friend says to me...
b: "this is the second sacrament i'll have been to today...soooooo......"
me: "welp, my mom just had surgery and i should go take care of her anyway..soooo...lets bail after the sacrament is passed?"
b: "deal."

i knew i probably shouldnt leave..what if one of the speakers were really good? i mean, the speakers WERE visiting adults and not 18 year olds. but i just wanted to. me and my dear friend have had this conversation more than once unfortunately, as we are guilty of sneaking out of our ward. it is just uncomfortable to be in a setting where testimonies are being borne about how grateful they are for 'the wind' and how members like to get up 10 minutes after the alotted time is over, to tell the whole ward how much they just love 'outer space' and how cool they think it is. (NOT JOKING).

so, after the sacrament, my friend whispers to me...
b: "i think i'll stay for at least the first speaker..."
me: "awwwggguuuhhhh!"

a familiar face got up to speak. i didnt exactly personally know this woman, but she is a friend of a dear teacher of mine and i knew who she was. she was from the stake, and began to speak about how excited she was to be in this specific ward today, as she had been looking forward to it for about six months now.

she began speaking about the importance of recieving personal revelation through the spirit....and how it is the most important skill we can acquire.  she then rhetorically asked the congregation if anyone had had a revelation from prayer or the Spirit that did not 'pan out' or did not come true.

I thought to myself...'well yes.' but i thought that the answer to that rhetorical question was 'it will always come true and will always pan out if you receive the revelation'...so i was a little inwardly discouraged as maybe this talk was going to make me feel like a loser for getting that answer.

wrongo. this is what she said:

"I am going to give extreme examples here:

Do any of you young singles...ever feel like things arent fair? You feel you are doing everything right...going to church, paying your tithing, praying, keeping the commandments...but feel like you are being left out of the blessings of being married and finding your spouse? do you feel frustrated and alone because you feel it isn't fair, even when you are doing all the right things, and you have a rightetous desire that is still going unfulfilled? do you feel undeserving because you aren't getting these promised blessings and watching everyone around you recieve them?

Are there any of you sisters...who was dating a man, and just loved him SO much. SO much, that you decide to go to the temple and ask a loving Father in Heaven if this is the man you are supposed to be with forever? and did you get that wonderful, peaceful feeling that the answer was YES? were you so excited to spend your life with this man because you loved him SO much...and couldn't wait to tell him the confirmation you recieved? Did you get this revelation and feel your prayer and inquiry was answered? And then.... three months down the road, only to have him leave you for another woman, and marry her instead.

Do you have a 2 year old sister, who was recently stricken ill with cancer...and had to watch her fight for her life? Did your father give her 3 blessings, blessing her that she would LIVE through this disease and be healed, only have her to die 6 months later?

Or perhaps you may experience something like I did..to watch a child have a wonderful life with a wonderful husband and children...only to be on the verge of a complete mental breakdown. and as a mother, i got the reassurance after praying that she would be okay, and it would work out. And six months after this mental breakdown, she left the church, started living a different lifestyle, and is excommunicated. She is now divorced, and I am watching my grandchildren go through this. I wonder... that if i got the revelation that everything would work out..why couldnt it work out now, or even soon? soon enough that she could at least raise her children?

because as humans, we have this finite time schedule in our mind...we want it in our time. but it is not in our time, or our way. It is in the Lord's, and it is in the Lord's own time and own way. Do not let your faith become diluted because of these experiences. Do not slowly stop believing because things didn't pan out the way you thought they would. Are you going to let your faith be diluted? Are you going to give up? Are you?"


i tried to not cry in the chapel, but my snot and tears were about to get the best of me.
....this is just what i needed to hear. its what i've been needing to hear for months. it made my heart ache. so much, that i ran to the bathroom after her talk to go cry a bit in the women's bathroom.

life is tough. and it is tough when you get answers to prayers that you recieve and you think to yourself..."finally!".... and then they don't 'pan out' the way you thought they would, or SHOULD or in the time table you believed and felt they would. i have experienced this and it is unbelievably frustrating and confusing. it is difficult to submit your life to the will of the Lord, but that is the only way to survive. His hand is in all things. He has the opportunity and ability to bless us any time and in any way. We must remember that. We also must remember that there is a reason we go through things and the trials and tests are for our refinement. And we are being tested, as to whether or not we will give up and walk away, or stick it out. and its not easy. Its the furthest thing from being easy.

After her talk, me and my friend stayed for the rest of the meeting, without discussing the option to leave.


I'm really glad i stayed at church.

f.a.m.i.l.y

so glad i get to spend forever with these idiots.

f'rreeaalll, yo.

random l8ly

i am so incredibly tired.

but as of late:

-no matter how tired i am, i cant fall asleep till 4.....AM. even when my eyes STING with tiredness.

-e eht chek fel e evreh deh. chek fel e seuce es lequed GELD.

-somehow i've kept all the weight i've lost off so far and i feel like a superfox. thumbs up for nadeene.

-commuting in rush hour makes me have road rage and wish Heavenly Father would just let me apparate places already.

-(after that thought leaves, i wonder why the floo network doesnt exist either)

-i need to buy my OWN car and i WEALLY want a jetta. *stay tuned for me growing up and being an adult*

-when it comes to clothes, even summer clothes...i'm a quite modest girl and have recently appreciated this about myself. i respect girls who wear clothes. (insert dog faced hooker meme here).

-i finally started painting again. maybe i'll show all you snitches when i'm done.

-bad things wont last forever even when you are sure they will.

-i love my triplet babes more and more each day. ive only been their nanny for a little over a month, but can decipher certain cries from certain babes through the baby monitor, feed 3 babes successfully at the same time, have tought 2 babes to high five and 1 to fake sneeze (giggles for years), and i have become a PRO at diaper changing. lulz. *unsnap onzie, unfasten, legs up, baby wipes, new diapy, legs down, baby powder, fasten, resnap onezie*

-i was taken aback and thoroughly entertained when i heard my boss's housekeeper's cell phone go off today. the ringtone was some hip new usher jam. she is well into her 50's. winning.

-my friend told me about a doula workshop she took and i TOTES am gonna do it and become certified. i love moms, babies, pregnancy, social needs and medical shiz....so its perfect...i can't wait to do it. who wants a F.U.N. birthing coach!?!? (but im serious you guys) (hire me) (i'll do it for free)

-all iphone users: go download the game 'bag it'. you won't regret it

-my mother is a wonderful person who knows me and knows exactly what my heart needs to hear


KBAI

mind junk & homegirl bunny

whats a blog if you don't word vomit your mind junk out onto your blogger rough draft page?
bleghehghegh (word vomit)

i've been trying to put my finger on the feeling i've been feeling lately. this feeling has been absolutely engulfing me.


frustrated
confused
hurt
embarrassed
disappointed
lost
angry
disgusted
exhausted
sad
let down
pissed
impatient
betrayed
pathetic

oh..whats that? theres one word for it, you say? i'm about to give that bih mary poppins a run for her money, you say?
i'm frushurtbarradisappostgrydisghausadletdisspatrayteic?
oh.


i dont think i can QUITE elaborate as to why i'm exactly frushurtbarradisappostgrydisghausadletdisspatrayteic, but lets just say i thought and wanted my life would be drastically different right now. not only did i think it would be different, i have been working so hard towards having it actually be different. i have been trying soooooo hard and striving so hard and have been working towards making myself the person i know i can be....and it has been absolutely paralyzing to realize that my life is not where i thought it would be and the work i have tried to do has not been enough. all those amazon self help books i ordered on a whim? i feel like burning and casting down to hell. and i am SO disappointed in myself at the people i have allowed to be in my life and the amount of time my mind has spent thinking on the past. i wish i had a freggin time machine right now. (brb, going to call dr. sheldon cooper real quick. bazzinga.)

sorry i'm making zero sense.

okay, lets try this:
please just imagine a lone homegirl bunny rabbit who just finished a race and thought she'd be SO STOKED to finish the race, but come to find out she is all by herself and has absolutely no sense of direction in her life. well, she has a few paths to go down, but none are that cool, and none are as appealing as the ultimate path. and the ultimate path she wants is absolutely nowhere to be found. everytime she looks for the ultimate, she finds herself so hurt and depressed that slowly she is believing she needs to stop trying for the ultimate. and every now and then when she gets SO brave and she thinks by some stroke of bunny luck she has quite possibly found the ultimate... they are counterfits. fake paths leading to fake, locked doors.. fake paths that make her feel worse than she was before she even started going down this path. it makes her hate herself for believing that the path even had the slightest CHANCE of appearing as the ultimate. and homegirl bunny is turned back around to square one. sure, there are counterfit paths all over who maybe could TEMPORARILY make homegirl bunny happy...rude ones who think they are God's gift to paths, weird ones, crazy ones who make you cry, nice ones (but they find skanktastic bunnies who are the COMPLETE opposite of homegirl bunny and run off with them.......which in turn makes homegirl bunny want to vomit every time she thinks of it). so shes just a lonely bunny wandering in a stupid HUGE field by herself....painfully watching everyone else finish their race and go off on their set paths they immediately and easily find, with their permanent bunny friends and bunny spouses and nice bunny cars. and homegirl bunny feels alone and stuck. and after 23473282 attempts, homegirl bunny would rather go back and run the race again, purely to keep her mind off the unreachable path she can't find no matter how hard she tries.
and THEN homegirl bunny thinks..hm...maybe there isnt the ultimate path for me.



thats what i feel.
i just feel alone.


and yeah that bunny analogy maybe is funny to me because its 2 in the morning, but feeling alone is  the worst feeling in the entire world. and i can't ever remember feeling it this deeply before.

it blows.

pinterest gems

youre welcome.

quote of the day- C.S. Lewis

“Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage... but He is building a palace.”
―  C.S. Lewis