rant rant rant rant rant RANT

it hurts. and aches. and it makes it worse that its the holidays.
it just wants to listen to john mayer on repeat and never hop out of bed.
my little heart is out of order right now, and will be for a while.
this christmas i cried. i bet i'll be crying on my 21st birthday. and new years eve too probably while everyone else is smooching their sweetheart to bring in the new year.
i hear that broken hearts are worse on the holidays...i believe it.

and its because no one gets it. no on understands unless you know what it feels like.
the feeling where you read something you wish you hadnt and the awful feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when your brain makes sense of what youre reading..
the feeling where you realize that a lie would have been better than admitting the truth to yourself.
or the feeling of finding out who a person is..how they really felt. what they really thought of you all along. what they'd really been saying...finding out their loyalty and true character.
you dont know unless you know what it feels like to always have a cloud hanging over your head. so dont tell me to let the sunshine in when you clearly have never had a rainy day.

its hard. im holding on, but its hard. i need to mourn and move on.

The Little Big Book of Love

New for my bookshelf as of today...

 'The Little Big Book of Love'
...which i HIGHLY recommend for the  hopeless romantic pathetic person.. or anyone who just loves wonderfulness. i've been wanting it for ages since i saw it on a blog i stalk. its full exerpts from favs like: Pride and Prejudice, famous sonnets from William Shakespeare (win), and my most favoritest Jane Eyre (I'm naming my daughter after her fyi)

Its also full of of love letters from couples like John and Abigail adams, Winston and Clemintine Churchill, Napoleon and Josephine and much more.

Men back then were so.. classy.

Anyone who knows me just knows that i eat this crap up!!!

 Seriously, go buy it ladies.

(christy, i recommend this for YOU to read while crippled from your surgery. bless you.)

vegas, unicorns, ireland and space

i never would have thought i'd be entertained continuously watching a 10 minute youtube. God bless anesthesia. My christmas present to all of you: this gem.

today...

today on the freeway i was fine.
and then i went to visit a friend and was fine.
and then i hopped in the truck and 'just havent met you yet' came on by mr. buble...
and i cried, and cried. i cried so much my nose is raw from tissues.

i need a change of scene. asap.

lemme dream for a moment:

from the mouth of corbin

corbin is the sweet litte 8 year old i nanny. blake his big brother, whos 11.


(while i was helping him with his homework)
me: you could use it in a sentence like.... 'corbin sat like a lump on the couch'
corbin: corbin made a lump...........in his pants.


blake: it was so so salty!!!!
corbin: kinda like worms?
blake: corbin you tried worms before?
corbin: whaaaaat? it was ONE time. i was curious.


corbin: my parents didnt know until they realized my pet goldfish was missing. it tasted like.. fried fish. but just.. raw. you know?


blake: would you rather be cool or hot?
corbin: cool. being hot is the chicks job.


(playing super mario..)
blake: pause it a second while i'm on the phone or i'll die!!!
corbin: (pauses it for 5 seconds and then unpauses it and looks at me) What?? its what brothers do.


me: do you have a girlfriend at school?
corbin: girlfriendS.
me: do you love them?
corbin: yes
blake: WHAT!?!?
corbin: what? i'm in love. i really am you guys.

in pictures..

on repeat:  "dont speak" by no doubt. and the cute boys i nanny for even sing along to it now. :) gwen sefani is just.. rad.

hoping for: a magic 300 bucks to bestow itself upon me so i can buy a real camera. only been my dream the past 5 years.

happy that: my finals were a piece of cake and i'll be in the magic kingom next week! mmm.. cake..

wanting to watch: more episodes of 16 &pregnant. sue me.

can't wait for: whenever this cramp in my BOOTY stops. really. i've had it the past 48 hours and im almost in tears. i cant decide whether or not i should lather it in more icyhot till its numb or just man up and sit it out. TMI? not sorry.

needing to: exercize more. (30 day shred started today, snitches)

wish: ...i had a million dollars. hot dogggg!

love that: christmas is right around the corner.

tis the season.

Gramps

A few days ago was Grandpas funeral.
It was sad, but surprisingly comforting to know he was reunited with his sweet love, Lorraine.

When i walked into the funeral home to start playing prelude..i passed my cousins, talking and laughing. (i'm glad for mormon funerals. no black and strange mourning...) i walked by my grandpa's casket, which was open. my first thought was nothing. nothing came to my mind. blank. then i thought that it wasn't real. then i thought it didn't look like him..at all. thats not the grandpa i grew up with. where were his wrinkles? where was his skin color, and why did his whispy hair look different? his lips were skinny and dark.. it wasnt grandpa. i felt strange and wanted to get away from the casket as fast as i could..even though it was just my grandpa. is that bad? i knew though that it was him, but it wasn't. his spirit didn't reside in that body at all. it was completely empty and we were all sure of that.

i played the piano during the service...didn't cry because i was too focused on not messing up. i glanced over at grandpa a few times during the prelude..but quickly looked away each time. when the funeral director asked if anyone wanted to get up to see him before he closed the casket, i hesitated. in my mind i thoguht i should, but my body wouldnt move. good thing i don't know how to make decisions... i don't like that i'm going to remember that image of him. no one should remember a loved one in that image. When we watched him closing the cakset.. the first thing that came to my mind was that they shouldn't be closing it. they need to let him breathe..he'll be shut away if they close it. what was i thinking?

things got lighter when we all discussed his jokes and the things he used to say "you can marry more money in a day than you can make in a lifetime" thank you, don.

we talked about when he met grandma right after he got home from the navy.. and how she was 'very impressed' with him. (she wrote a poem about 'that day in may' when she saw him being greeted by all his friends who were so happy that he was home.. she remembered seeing him the icecream parlor and being soooo twitterpated by him and how popular he was. cuuuute. she read it to me 2 weeks before she died. it was darling.) they fell in love and after five years, ran off to the pink flamingo in vegas to get married. haha i dont even know why. thats so random of them.. but they later were sealed in the temple.

i held it together pretty well until the graveside service. my cousins and uncles were the pallbearers for him, and carried his casket right next to where my grandma is burried...i didnt go to my grandma's graveside service after she died.. i just didn't want to. i have always felt weird about things like that.. but since this was right after the funeral, our whole family attended.

 As they carried him to his final resting place, the navy colorguard soluted his passing casket. i cried.
When the bugle player played 'taps' i felt like i was in the movies. i don't know why.. it was just surreal. i watched the colorguard slowly and carefully fold the flag while the bugle player finished his song, and we watched him bend forward and hand it to my uncle who has been his caretaker the past 5 years.
"on behalf of the president of the united states..."

i wept. my cousins wept. voices held back shakes as prayers were given...and then it was done. the make-shift boutineers i made hours before were placed on his casket in a final tribute.

tears left and comfort ensued. over dinner we talked with cousins and other family about memories we had from when we were little.. sneaking into places.. games we used to play...funny memories of what awkward children we were.. and it was just comforting. peace to know that families are forever, and death is not the end. it isn't. and i feel so sad for those who think it is.

mr. hanks.

i have no idea where the quote is from that i posted a while back...the one about a lifetimes worth of talk? ya know what i'm talkin about?.. but i love it.. so much. it makes me think of the most tender memories i have of my favorite patients... ann and russell. that quote encompasses what i want in my life. a lifetimes worth of talk.

anyways, latelys been rough.

but i remembered this tonight and it made me feel a little better though.

and i've loved this quote for so long..

 i watched cast away annnnd when tom hanks comes home from the island and finds out his fiancee who thought he was dead was married to a dentist, annnnd this is what he monologued to his buddy:

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

thanks mr. hanks.

(Anaehoomalu bay on the big island. ahh. i miss it.)

motivation.

if i lose 25 pounds...............................

i'm going to buy myself this dress. normally, i would never,ever spend that much money.

actually i dont buy anything thats not marked down by at least 50% off.

but i want this beauty. and i dont want fat nicole to buy the dress.

skinny nicole must buy the dress. 

therefore: i must exercise.

i seriously will sell my soul for it. well. not really. but i'll give up the easy life of being chubby..

it is motivation enough for me to stop shoving my face full of reeses and cookies.

bring on the miserable days of no carbs and no yummy time.

rollercoaster magic.

i feel like this semester has been a rollercoaster.
an ongoing, never-ending roller coaster.
you get all excited at the highs
scared before the dips
wanting to get off when you feel a little sick after so many twists and turns...
but then wanting to get back on again after the ride is over.

bleheheh. life is tough
school, money, jobs, relationships

i need a magic wand.
if i had one..this is what would happen:
-i'd lose 25 pounds "reducto cellulito"
-i'd be rich "infinite currencio"
-i'd be done with school "educatia finito"
-i'd be perfectly happy and problem free "instantio serotonia"
-nutella and coldstone would be a very important part of the food pyramid "carbtransfatiosugarhighio-crucialo"

you BET i'd be muttering those charms every day. oh if only.

uhm.

i dont really have anything to say other than...
i've been dreaming about going back to hawaii (literally) as the semester is coming to an end. good idea? bad idea? i think good idea. i'll teach primary and get a sweet tan again.

thats all.

"even with my feeties"

remember how hawaii was the worst, most challenging job of my life?
well, it was.
but i still miss this sweet little kid.