to wait.

all my friends are expecting a baby.
and this is embarrassing...but i'm so incredibly jealous.
can I just explain for a minute?

that green monster inside of me is jealous, and it is such an ugly color for me to wear. blegh. I hate it.

now hold up, i'm SO happy for you!!! (livvy, lauren, KP, val, kels, kiley...etc.the rest of my high school....the whole world...etc..) haha I SWEAR. I cannot wait for you to hold that baby in your arms, because I can only imagine how much joy it brings you. you are SO lucky. so lucky!! hold that baby tight and take in every smile that baby gives you. you guys... are so, incredibly lucky. you have a husband to care for you and stand beside you...a marriage be involved in and strive for everyday...and are creating life inside of you. that is AMAZING.

im not jealous in a mean way. im jealous in an achey I wish I was in your shoes because ive wanted it for so long kinda way. im praying it will go away...but its been lingering around the corners of my brain for a little while and is showing up more and more often.


I turn 23 in a few days.
once I hit 21.....I started wishing the years would go backwards for me. I still feel like im that emotional little 14 year old girl though. I actually still am.... I still write in my journal about boys, I still curl my hair if I wanna impress a certain boy, I still play games and do all that immature crap.
its maddening. that's probably why no one has wanted to marry me yet, because I dont know how to date and have the mentality of a 14 year old. hahahha.

JEALOUSY is maddening. my kind of jealousy is a sad jealousy. its not mean or evil or anything like that. its the sit-in-my-bed-and-silently-sulk kinda jealousy. I still get upset when an ex boyfriend gets engaged for crying out loud. I stalk their engagement photos and am just so.. jealous. im like... 'wtf nice ring...why didn't you pick me!?!?'

I know people say you need to be happy where you are at in life. but I have been wanting to be married and hold a babe in my arms since I was 3 feet tall. anyone who knows me, knows im serious. each year I get left behind. each year I get my heart broken and I fall to pieces and I swear i'll never be in a relationship again....but it gets harder to want that in fear i'll never get my own family.

watching my friends have babies...holding their hand while they are going into labor..capturing the moment on camera of mama sobbing out of pure joy when she sees her precious little babes face for the first time.....it gets to me. it makes me cry happy tears. it would get to anyone sooner or later I think...but its been slowly getting to me piece by piece.

anyone who is living my dream knows it hurts me to sit back and watch them live it. because I've wanted it for over a decade. I've wanted it so badly, more than anyone could know. this is why im here. I've been a wife and mother in training since I was 3 years old! I used to pretend to be pregnant and make my cousin deliver my babydoll under my shirt for heavens sake. in the 4th grade I had a sleeping beauty and prince charming figurine I would wind up and make dance on my desk all through reading time because I dreamed of having a husband to be my life companion when I grew up. in the 7th grade during theater I would plan my wedding..i would take out binder paper and draw my dress, and hairstyle, and flowers, and what temple, and I would fake write the announcement out. and then me and my friends would swap and write in our crushes name. I mean seriously guys. this is embarrassing, but this is me. this is who I am and who ive been and who I've always wanted to be.

it takes me about a year to get over my bitter hating relationships thing after i get dumped..and im about there. i want to date and fall in love and be married. i would like to have a boy who actually wants me back, and that i can waste my nights with, because the smallest idea of thinking...maybe this is it...is such an exhilarating moment for anyone... but especially for me. im scared I wont get married for a LONG time..and then by the time I do, weddings and babies will be old news. the excitement will die down, because who wants to go support an old friend 5 years down the road when they have kids to take to soccer practice and dinner to get on the table?

"Nicole, youre young, bla bla, it will happen, don't rush"

well...it hurts. it sounds so stupid and silly, but im serious when I say it hurts because I am impatient, and thought my life would be so different right now. and on my most selfish days, I wonder why everyone gets my dreams but me.


I don't know if everyone is taking this as a joke, but its kinda like i'm grieving for the life I wanted.. that im watching everyone I love live out. I pray for it..i weep for it..i sit in my bed day after day and dream about it.  even though this is all silly and pathetic for you to read...for me it has been really hard to write out. because its so honest.


im just worried. and scared. and jealous. its embarrassing I feel this way. how selfish of me! I can't believe how selfish this post it. I need to not be sad.
and I know I need to not be..because i was promised it would happen someday...and everything will fall into place...someday. whether i'm 23 or 25 or 28 or 31 or 34 or 37.

but it is so much easier said than done, to wait.

Heart vomit

Okay soooo. I finally feel okay saying this pathetic heart vomit crap. Here goes.

This one time, a while back, I dated a dreamboat. I've written about dreamboat before... It was the first boy I dated after crazy pants, and he seriously was perfect... ok not perfect. I THOUGHT he was totes perfect. Okay I still kinda do. Whatever.

He was so kind, and caring, and handsome, and thoughtful...I loved sitting on the couch with him netflixing our nights away. (That was a close second to driving down 400 s in slc and holding hands and MAYBE kissing at every dang stoplight on that long street.) (Sorry mom). And he just made me so incredibly happy. It took me a while to ease into it, but once I did..I was hooked. SO hooked it was retarded.
Giddy retarded that I drove through the canyon in BLIZZARDS so I could see him. We laughed and flirted and joked and he would tell me after 15 minutes of being away from me, that he missed me. And I KNEW he missed me.

Anyway.. We broke up, yadda yadda, it was stupid and awful (for me at least) and I was pathetic for a very long time. I got so sick every single time I thought about him...I lost 15 pounds in 2 months from sheer SALT WATER WEIGHT FROM MY TEAR DUCTS. It was hell. That night in his car was hell and my mind repeated it over and over again for 6 months straight. everyday and every night. He moved on quick and had multiple girlfriends while I was still mourning the loss of him.

One day, about 4 months after he so graciously dumped me because I went to a friends house to go see him open his call......I saw him. I thought he was out of town, so I thought now was the perfect time to brave up and go to institute and see my friends..and there was absolutely no chance id see him! Mind you, I hated driving down Main Street because I knew he took that route to work. I mean...I took EVERY social and road detour in the town of kaysville so I wouldn't chance running into him. Because the thought of it made me literally ill.

"Hey....Hi..uhh How are you?"

WTF. *mental vomit, panic, mental tears*

"I..uh...hi..um..how are you..."

"Good how about you? It's been a while!"

"....ummmm..okay. So i thought you were out of town cuz I talked to your sister the other day and that's the only reason I came tonight because I didn't wanna see you and I apologize for things in the past and I really just...this is weird and I'm good but I've been avoiding you but it's great to see you"

I Should have said bye and usain-bolted outta there..but I didn't. I opened my dumb nicole mouth. We talked for about an hour and caught up. And flirted. And laughed. And it was normal..And so great. And I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it.

After that, He ignores me for a few more months. He has a few more girlfriends, texts me randomly when he dumps them...and then would get a few more. The last one stuck. I hear they are in love, bla bla. Well... She is in Europe for work...and the day she left, guess who's number shows up on my phone? He needed help for his brother, and knew I could help. So I did. And I went over to his house, and he played me all our old songs, and we laughed and flirted and joked and were so happy and I KNEW he missed me. I really knew it. He looked at me like he knew we missed each other.

A few days later I texted him to check on his brother... No text back. Ignored.

My gut is telling me that this girl really is here for good and to stop thinking about him every few months. It's pathetic.
Wanna know what's MORE pathetic?
I'd take him back in a heartbeat, even though I KNOW he won't want me again. I'm so used to him not wanting me back..I should know that by now. It's clear every time we see each other.

Soooo.....I guess you can miss someone and choose to do nothing about it. He chose that. Clearly...again and again. And is ok spending every day doing nothing about it. And I keep reminding myself of that every few months.


Dreamboat,
PLEASE get married to girl so you can sail off into the sunset and I can sink the thought of us that keeps crossing my mind.

Sincerely,
Vomiting heart. Aka. THIS GIRL.

yay area

hello lovies.

so..i'm here in the bay area, nannying for my sister. her sweet babe is almost 3 months and ADORABLE. i get to snuggle him everyday. and even though im kinda lonely and bad at making friends.... i'll be okay.

i think i'll go explore san fran a bit on my own soon...that will keep me busy. i'll bring pepper spray too, dont worry. AND DID YOU KNOW ITS LEGAL TO RIDE THE BUS NAKED IN SF!?!?!?!? the only catch is you have to put a towel down before you set your naked butt down. REAL LIFE.

i find out if i get into grad school in the next few weeks. i dont think i'm getting in because my math and science grades werent so hot...so if i dont, i guess i'll start a career or something when i moved back to utah.

ive done a few births since i became a doula...and i love it. it is a little exhausting if i dont get a good nights sleep the night before..but i love it. i love helping the mama through birth. my last one was a scary one...as i was holding her legs for her and the doctor was trying to vacuum the baby out, the heartones kept dropping. and dropping. and her husband was crying. and 9 hours of strong contractions didn't do the trick. they rushed her to the OR for an emergency c-sec. i thought that doctors and nurses only dramatically rushed around on hospital tv shows..but nope. i got a picture of it (because i do birth photography as well) and it is all blurry cuz homies be runnin around EVERYWHERE.
it turned out being a beautiful experience in the end. what a blessing healthy babes are!

my whole fambam is coming out here for christmas..it will be the first non-white christmas since i was a little girl and lived here. maybe we'll do something craycray and make a snowman sand castle on the beach.

anyway....im so glad i can spill my boring life out once more to all of you.
BAIIII

ps...anyone have suggestions of fun things to do around here? i know theres museums..the beach..the city....

CRAZY PANTS

hey guys.

SOOOOO glad my blog is finally private. i dont care about random people reading my blog, i just need to make sure that my life is kept on the DL. heres why:

i havent been writing because my psycho ex found a way of communicating with me the past few months- commenting on my blog posts. he knew i would read them because i have to approve comments. (i actually published a threatening one he posted on my last blog, about how he was going to 'email all my followers and let them know i was a liar', but he got embarrassed and deleted it.) so...i stopped writing on here because i didnt want him to show up if he knew where i was. once, he facebooked me and said, 'why are you on this street? i'm right by you'....aaaaaaand thats when i knew he had a problem.

mind you, i've moved...changed my number.. looked into restraining orders/no contact orders..but i guess 'crazy ex whos obsessed with you' doesnt fit the bill. he has caused me so much anger and fear the past few years im just done. it makes me sick to think i was ever with him. how was i so blind?

whenever he tries to talk to me, i say something like. "you need help" or "what dont you understand when i say i dont want you in my life" or "leave me alone you freaking sociopath"

anyway, he is BAT SHIT CRAZY. sorry, but he is.

when i found out he gave my ring to his FOURTH fiance, my sister said... "glad he didnt give it to you. he probably woulda pried it off your cold, dead hand if he needed it back." and she wasn't joking. :/ God bless that poor girl who he broke up with recently. what a blessing for her.

I actually had to go private because he threatened me this summer...basically saying he would come after me and my family if ever i told his fiance that he was a crazy pants. aaaaand i saved the convo on my computer just in case KSL ever needed to locate my effin body. so HEAR YE, HEAR YE LITTLE READERS: if ever i go missing, call the FBI! you know where i'm at.

wanna know what sucks? its forreal. he is forreal a disturbed person, and has no problems doing creep things. im scared to have any of my information on the world wide interwebs, because i never know where he is lurking. it sucks because he is mentally unstable. he has something severely wrong with him. i just cant take the threatening suicide if i wont be his friend- the manipulation, the threats, the lies.

anyway, i am PRAYING that this finally ends it. that he wont be able to figure out how to get ahold of me. i'm in california and will be for a few months... i heard he is here too, living a few hours away for some job, and living with his ex girlfriends family because he is a freakin weirdo.

the moral of this story is:

i am so blessed that when i prayed about marrying him, i got absolutely a blank answer. i couldnt understand it, but i could never feel 'good' or excited about marrying him. i loved him - (i loved the fake him) i cried and cried and postponed wedding plans over and over again. i begged him to give me more time and told him if we didnt fight for a week- then maybe i would let him propose. and i told him i wanted to be happy for at least a solid month before we got engaged, because i wanted to feel sure. and he would yell at me and be so angry because he thought i was crazy. and 'no one else would put up with my problems like him so i might as well marry him' so what was i waiting for? i remember i couldnt call him 'the love of my life'. it just bothered me so much and felt so weird. that was my first clue something wasn't right.

heaven bless unanswered prayers.
i find out later that he is an absolute sociopath.
and here i am, after counseling and tears and prayers and running away from him....that i know my life will be okay and there are ways to escape him.

im going to delete all my blog posts about him...i want no memories of that awful time in my life. i wish i could wipe my memory clean of the things he did....but making my life a secret to him and the world is kind of a start, right?

i think it is.

Going private- for good!

Hi little readers.
About a year and a half ago..I thought i'd try out going private. It solved my problems for the most part, but I went public again when it didn't seem to help ENOUGH so I just gave up. Anyway..I need to do this again, for good this time. Sorry this is annoying but please comment with your email address you use for your blog so I can add you to the reader list.
I'll explain later :)

Thanks!

because its been a while

hey yall.

tonight i cried watching the 3rd season finale of glee.
maybe it was because finn broke up with rachel and she cried the saddest cry i've ever seen, next to meredith crying when lexy dies. it ripped my tv-sitcom heart right out.

i need to whine for a min. i feel like the past 4 weeks have absolutely sucked to maximum suckiness...like ermergersh, why am i rachel berry getting dumped by finn except for really i dont have any musical/broadway talent at all..or a boyfriend to get dumped by!? AND.. i've had something in my eye for 3 freakin hours. why... WHY!? im about to grab the ducktape and go buckwild on this whole operation.(i hope this is pms)

post grad life.... :
lately i feel like i'm back in highschool... (which if i was would be BALLIN cuz i wouldnt think i'm way skinny and i probably wouldnt cry over my 16 year old boyfriend...when i was 18. lolz.) but frealz, when everyone in the dumb singles ward knows your business and youre just like, bih why do you know my life? it just makes me wanna sneak into sacrament and sneak right out. awkward glances, stupid text messages that take you 30 minutes to write out, putting on makeup and realizing it was a waste that day. draining. i wish i had a switch in my brain that said "STOP CARING YOU IMBICILE."

people who write passive aggressive texts with '........' and '...' and '..' at the end of everything make me wanna die. Y U NO SAY IT STRAIGHT FO-WARD!?


Right now i need a huge dose of BBC Jane Eyre and some reeses. CUZ SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA BINGE.

since i have zero friends in kaysville, i've been painting everyday for like.. 2-3 hours and its doing a number on my back. i bet you wanted to know that, eh? i just seriously am turning into julia child and am hunching over SO BADLY i couldnt even sit up straight today...so massage time tomorrow. i also re-did my bathroom all cutesie and pinterest like..so imma upload those soon. since i dont have a laptop, ive been ignoring the bloggosphere and uploading any pictures. i'll photo-vomit soon.



I miss college SO BAD.
Not knowing where your life is gonna take you is really, really scary. so...to all of you still in school and complaining about the long hours you spend on homework, and studying, and projects... (which i remember i would complain about on the daily...).... APPRECIATE IT. appreciate the library and the books and the teachers and the school friends. you are going to miss it immensly. because when you start complaining about the real world, which i am doing now, it is a lot more real. i miss learning and education and being engaged in work! just.. appreciate it.

ok, done whining. that being said, disregard all my complaints and hear this: i really need to work on living in the moment and not getting to the next phase in my life, but it is extremely hard when you feel stuck. please bless i remember to just enjoy right NOW.
im going to try to do that.

im done venting. bye.

chasing people.

chasing people will never make them want you.
it will pull them away from you, actually.

so, heres a little guide for you gals to learn what i have learned the past week...

how to get a boy to not like you:

girls...if ever there is a moment, where a boy you like is driving you crazy and giving you mixed messages for an entire MONTH of hanging out everyday...don't think its appropriate to go out for hot chocolate one night and park in your truck and say..
'hey. are you ever going to ask me out on a date? because i like you..and you tell my friends that you like me, but you aint making a move. so make one or dont, but just lemme know...cuz this no communication thing is frustrating'

because WOOOOAAHHHH there nelly....they will absolutely lose ANY feelings they had for you..i mean, any feelings. if they thought you were pretty before? nope....IMMEDIATE UGLY.
in fact, they wont even think about you ever again, and will bail on you for a younger, more hip chick who is hard to get...who has the same name as my first dog.

how to get boys to like you:
?

......stumped.

In the book 'why men love bitches'....an analogy is made...

when a man waits for hunting season and finally gets to go out and hunt with his buddies..he is beyond thrilled. he is so stoked to find the perfect moose to track and hunt down so he can come home with a beautiful kill. he will taxedermy that crap and hang it up on the wall with pride, because he worked for it!

however...if one day a man opens up his door and there is a dead, bloody moose head on his doorstep.... you better believe he isnt going to take that anywhere but the trash.

am i trash!? was i being a dead moose head? am i forever a dead moose head because i cut to the chase because i've been dragged around multiple times? i'm not good at playing games and im not good at NOT playing games. freak!

but what about when the hunter is just with the moose 24/7 and texts the moose all day and tells all my moose friends that he's interested?
....
MAKES THE MOOSE LIVID.

but hey. frustration no more, because moose found out he was actually pursuing a deer. awesome.



dating is frustrating and totes not worth the pain of rejection.
so after all this drama happened and i was rejected by this boy who i was interested in..i thought..screw it. im not dating anymore. (the usual dramatic reaction that i have after i get dumped).
ive decided..no. this sucks and i dont wanna suck anymore. so, i'm going to date myself. cuz I DONT SUCK!!!! I SWEAR!!

yes, thats right. i took myself to a play last week and it was just lovely. i got ready, put on some cute clothes, and was quite excited to spend the night with myself.

wanna know why this is a brilliant idea?

-i will never break my heart
-i will never yell at me when i do something wrong
-i will never break up with myself and then only text me when i'm bored or lonely
-i will never expect flowers and get nothing from me if i want the dang flowers!
-i will not text me mean things that make me cry
-i will never have to ask myself to take me on a fun trip!
-and i will never leave me for a younger, prettier girl.


likelihood that i will stay happy? 99%
brilliance level because i'm dating myself? BOSS STATUS.

There's an e-card for everything.

For example: My life...

College grad in a sucky economy

When an ex gets engaged

all my crushes.. ever

wish this didnt happen all the time..when really..

this is my normal life

and sometimes im bitter about my love life.

some girls make me crazy

and i probs shouldnt whine so much.

i'm pretty sure i'd be happier if i did real excerise instead of just walking up the stairs every now and then

...these people and i will never get along

you know who you are.

i'd love to say this but i'm afraid you'll hit me.

this on-going hipster trend is starting to make me crazy.

 

 

bye.

Murder Mystery Party!

Do me and Shay plan the best Halloween parties ever?

YES.

Murder at the Juice Joint was def a success. AAAAAND probs party of the century. MTV shoulda covered this.

Mansion? Check.
35 guests? Check.
Smashing 1920's attire? Check.
Best night EVER? Check.
...picture overload? Check.

boys aren't men.

Okay.. this has been on my mind for quite a little while. (and no, this isnt about anyone specific)

Boys:

Please, please, please grow up and start being men.

Quit saving your money to buy that new video game poster.

..and please stop spening 1000 dollars on snowboard passes when you are trying to pay for college.

Please stop running around with your homies doing illegal things because YOLO.

Please please please please stop telling girls that you just wanna 'have fun' and 'date around' and that you arent 'ready for a commitment because you don't know what you want'. (RAGE)

Please stop leading us on and pretending you care just for your own enjoyment and to be a 'playa'.

 Please stop talking about your sweet ride and the rims you are about to purchase

... and your perfectly gelled hair.

Please give up that band that is getting nowhere because you live in UTAH.

Please stop with the name brands and all those stupid rvca and volcom shirts

and PLEASE for the love of pete, stop talking about how much iron you pumped at the gym yesterday. i dont care if you can bench press me! as long as i weigh less than you, we're cool.

But guess what? It doesnt matter. AT ALL. Not now and not ever.


A girl cares about some things in a MAN:

ambition.
drive.
work ethic.
spirit.
selflessness.
personality.
politeness.
character.
values.
..and being a GROWN UP.


....not those silly things i listed at the beginning.


I'd like for a man to open my car door for me, focus on the important things in life, actually want a family someday and pull his head out of his butt before he is 47 and sitting on his mothers couch eating cheetos.

ya know.. it'd be a plus if the man i end up with looks exactly like Ryan Gosling..but if not, I will be so completely happy with my MAN and not a boy that i wish were a man. does that make sense?


and mind you, i am working to become a woman..not a silly little girl.
(sorry that this was a rant from a silly girl...obv i have some work to do..)
but FREAK i'd just like to pass a man on the street someday.. have him be polite and kind and gentle but strong and say....hmm. now thats a man.

abracadabra, get into my life.

k bye.

The Last

Today a boy i havent talked to in 5 years showed me this youtube. he said it reminded him of me...i dont know if thats because i'm a nosy girl..or what. but me and him were never in love, so its kinda weird that he sent me this. but.. watch it.  try to ignore the couple cheesy parts and the fact that the main character is mike chang...mmk?


sooo anyway. member how i hate love and never wanna be in a relatinoship and dont believe in that bull at all? remember how i get super hurt and bitter over bad relationships? remember how i said i never wanna get married? we'll i'm still 7/10 of those feelings. but the 3/10s of the feelings that have a teensy weensy bit of hope that someday i'll find a LAST... just tried to burst outta my heart and explode through my tear ducts when i watched this. (dont mind that i have pms and cried last night in my bed because it was raining outside)

i just......... ok. once a girl liked a boy. and she told him. and he was like cool. and did nothing. and girl was like, wtf bro i went out on a limb. and hes all sorry im not brave and can't climb that tree. and im like what the heck you are a little boy... and im like.. i never go out on limbs bro!!!! this is mean. (but its not like this was me or anything.. :/ )

...i never go out on limbs. but every now and then i meet someone, and in the back of my head its like...what has come over me..you are cute.. i like you..what if there is the SMALLEST chance that this is the LAST? that 3/10ths of my gets the best of my tiny locked up unpredictable stupid PMS emotional heart just like that DURN t-swift album. i just.. i dont do crushes. i do stupid committment....and i try to avoid drama because heaven knows ive created and experienced enough of it. ive wanted to lock up my feelings the past year and be happy..and i really am. (minus this week). i really am FINE not being with someone and living the single life and finally living for me...but i also realized something. i am a better person when i care for someone. anyway. so my girly emotions get ahold of me...

and then i cry and get discouraged and wanna run away because that has been my stupid defense mechanism for the past couple years. maybe the 3/10s is just coming out because it is fall time and its about to get snowmantical and a boy hasnt called me beautiful in almost a year. maybe it caught me off guard and i ran away with an immature thought.

but anyways...this youtube.. you know the WHY girl in this video? it got me a thinkin.
i may be bitter and negative and stupid sometimes..and totes be a hater...but i dont wanna die without loving. without REALLY loving and being loved. i just dont. that..is the most miserable thought in the entire world... to never experience what everyone talks about and dreams about and hopes for.

i just.. wish someone could meet me halfway on a limb someday when i am ready and they are ready... BEFORE i fall off and break my neck and never experience great love...mmk?

mike chang...be my last..ok?

i'mmmm BACK- catch up

I have been ridiculously absent from you, ya silly little readers. NOT that i have an exciting life, because I dont. lately i've been watching tons of sitcoms and downing nutella like it aint no thing. I had to quit my jobby with my triple toddlers..and i miss them so much it hurts. i seriously never thought i'd love little baby boys, but i do. so much that i'm scared i wont love my own kids as much as i love my trippies! okay i know i will, but loving THEM as much as i do, i cant imagine how much love my heart is gonna hold for my own babes someday.

anyways, not having a job and being uncertain about my future plans for the next few months is driving me BONKERS. i'm desperate to do crafts, read books, sew, and anything else that will keep my brain busy. I miss school so much i feel like a FOOL! i miss having a social life...yaknowwhaddimean? for the first time in 18 years im not attending school in the fall! it BLOWS. im so used to college and after a stressful day on campus, walking home and putting cider on the stove. now i stay in my pjs all day and try to find out what im doing with my life. FRICK GUYS. oh and i watch bob ross and paint for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. but i applied for my social work license today. cant freaking wait to start helping people and get meaning back into my life. it will probs be a low-key job for my first carreer...but its a carreer....right?

lately i've had more drama in my life than in all 3 years of junior high combined. (OKAY THATS A LIE....maybe 1 semester of 8th grade.. LOLZ). It sucks to not be able to write out what exactly has been going on here on my blog, because this is my outlet. but I really don't feel safe doing it...and its pretty pathetic the people who have made my life bonkers. i'm SURE you can guess a certain man that has been making my life hell and has been the past 2 & 1/2 years. seriously. its immature to call that person out on here, but stop the stalking, bro!!!! i'll taze you. aint nobody got time to avoid you for yearzzz.


also applied to grad school. my app sucked but my essays were off the chizzain....my general grades werent so hot...so im just prayin whatever is supposed to happen will.

also.. i went to a midwife class. im never having my baby at home, but at least i know how to birth a baby if ever the midwife gets stuck in a storm and cant deliver the baby. ps... placenta is amazing and FRICKING DISGUSTING

also, go see pitch perfect. you'll lol your butt off.


anyway.. heres a meme. BYE

Fall Photo Shooooooot!

I love fall.

And i love their love.