i'mmmm BACK- catch up

I have been ridiculously absent from you, ya silly little readers. NOT that i have an exciting life, because I dont. lately i've been watching tons of sitcoms and downing nutella like it aint no thing. I had to quit my jobby with my triple toddlers..and i miss them so much it hurts. i seriously never thought i'd love little baby boys, but i do. so much that i'm scared i wont love my own kids as much as i love my trippies! okay i know i will, but loving THEM as much as i do, i cant imagine how much love my heart is gonna hold for my own babes someday.

anyways, not having a job and being uncertain about my future plans for the next few months is driving me BONKERS. i'm desperate to do crafts, read books, sew, and anything else that will keep my brain busy. I miss school so much i feel like a FOOL! i miss having a social life...yaknowwhaddimean? for the first time in 18 years im not attending school in the fall! it BLOWS. im so used to college and after a stressful day on campus, walking home and putting cider on the stove. now i stay in my pjs all day and try to find out what im doing with my life. FRICK GUYS. oh and i watch bob ross and paint for dayzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. but i applied for my social work license today. cant freaking wait to start helping people and get meaning back into my life. it will probs be a low-key job for my first carreer...but its a carreer....right?

lately i've had more drama in my life than in all 3 years of junior high combined. (OKAY THATS A LIE....maybe 1 semester of 8th grade.. LOLZ). It sucks to not be able to write out what exactly has been going on here on my blog, because this is my outlet. but I really don't feel safe doing it...and its pretty pathetic the people who have made my life bonkers. i'm SURE you can guess a certain man that has been making my life hell and has been the past 2 & 1/2 years. seriously. its immature to call that person out on here, but stop the stalking, bro!!!! i'll taze you. aint nobody got time to avoid you for yearzzz.


also applied to grad school. my app sucked but my essays were off the chizzain....my general grades werent so hot...so im just prayin whatever is supposed to happen will.

also.. i went to a midwife class. im never having my baby at home, but at least i know how to birth a baby if ever the midwife gets stuck in a storm and cant deliver the baby. ps... placenta is amazing and FRICKING DISGUSTING

also, go see pitch perfect. you'll lol your butt off.


anyway.. heres a meme. BYE

Fall Photo Shooooooot!

I love fall.

And i love their love.

forgiveness & pride

I've been thinking lately about forgiveness. People usually forgive people... they know how. They have forgiven others for the UNTHINKABLE... People have forgiven others for taking away their loved ones life. People have forgiven others for purposely RUINING their lives! So why can't I forgive the people who only purposefully tried to hurt me? Threatened me? Manipulated me? Emotionally messed me up for YEARS and sent me straight into therapy? I dont trust trust people now. I have a serious fear of abandonment and it ruins some of my relationships. I know feeling these things are my choice..but this person kickstarted it. Maybe thats just an excuse.. I don't know.

I can forgive someone I love for telling me I'm not good enough for them..But I can't forgive someone I dont love for all the pain they purposely put me through to tear me down and have control over me. Why? Am I prideful? Am I just a bad person who is full of stubbornness?

I've always felt like in my heart, I'm a forgiving person. I always liked to believe that about myself I guess. I say I forgive them, but I guess I haven't gotten there yet no matter how much I want to. I feel their apologies fake and their threats to emitionally and physically hurt me can NOT be taken back. I'm so mad because when I'm in contact with them, all they do is apologize and I'm angry that both good and bad feelings are surfacing for this person because they are apologizing. How messed up is that? It confuses me and makes me so mad at myself and at them! And I never get angry. If ever I'm angry, it turns to sadness and I literally weep my heart out...like a child. I feel like good feelings are worse than bad feelings for those who've hurt me. And I know that's wrong.. But in this situation.. I know it's the only way to protect me. it makes me worried I'm not over the situation if I haven't forgiven them.. And that makes me sick. Does that make sense??

I feel like I'm a traitor to my heart if I talk to this person and even allow them in my thoughts! I have conditioned my mind so much to stay away. But how can I forgive someone, if I feel like I'm being a traitor to my own heart? Does that make me an awful, terrible person?


Do I not know how to forgive? Christ forgives me everyday for not being who I promise to be,  not measuring up to who I want to be, and forgives me for making the same stupid mistakes over and over and over again. He forgives me with mercy when I plead on my knees for not being who he knows i can be.

I'm scared of having kind thoughts towards someone awful and forgiving them naively just to let them possibly tear me down with their words. Defense mechanism? I dont know. Are their apologies sincere? Would they still do this again over and over to me because that is just in their character to hurt people? Yes.  I know I'm rambling...I just know I need to forgive this person, but I know being in contact with them is so incredibly toxic and makes me absolutely hate myself. It makes me miserable, actually. I feel tortured inside because I want to move on with a peaceful conscience knowing I am able to forgive.

How do I forgive someone who i let nearly destroyed me? I guess i will stay away, but forgive slowly and forget slowly.

SOS for heavenly guidance to help my prideful heart.

what made my day

1. You know that side blog i have..the one where i jot down my rude mental letters to people? i'm just so happy that this  happened...does that make me a sick person? Literally, i can't stop laughing for some reason.

2. I got food poisoning and lost 4 pounds. aside from wanting to die from uncontrollable puking...im sort of REALLY stoked that i'll be able to fit into my pants now sans muffin-top. skinny jeans here i come! *success*

3. The mountains are EXPLODING with fall color! the colors are full of serotonin i think. reds and yellows and oranges and beautimous beautimous smells of autumnnnnnnnnnnnnnn! Weeeeeeeeeeeee! (Leisel shouts of joy)

4. and on a different note, here are 3 memes to make you lol.

Doulas, births, babies, moms and MEEEE

I recently took a doula training course by the international Doula association.
WTF is a doula? and why does it have such a funny name?


A doula is a trained labor support person. They are there to coach the mom through breathing techniques, help the mother with pain relieving positions, act as a buffer between mom and nurses/doctors...encourage mom and partner through the birth...massage and comfort mom...inform mom about the body's birthing process..educating mom about her choices, rights, effect of medicines and interventions...make sure moms birth plan is being carried through, and most of all, caring for the emotional, physical, and spiritual needs of a laboring woman. Doulas can be used for medical assisted births (hospital or epidural) or home births. Overall, they are there to mother the mother.

so BASICALLY, they pamper the heck out of your pregnant, laboring, and sometimes cranky ay-ess-ess. And we LOVE it!
(and i have no idea why the name is so funny sounding. i think its greek. doula doula doula)

I used to think doulas were for hippies. which, they kinda sound like they are in a way. But they also are there for support. They are there to help. A woman's body is made for carrying a child for 9 months and giving labor. and sometimes they NEED comfort from someone who can help guide them through this.

Was i one of the only ones in my class who believed in hospitals and doctors and epidurals? you bet your butt. Which is FINE. But i also believe a woman should be able to choose what makes her most comfortable for laboring..and that may be laboring at home or in a birth center..no matter what i believe. Whatever works for YOU, works for a doula.

I dont plan on being some weird lady who dances around pregnant ladies and making them do 'hee hee hoo' breathing their whole birth for heavens sake. I just want to be part of the experience and making sure they feel loved and supported in such an important time in their life. I dont take the place of the husband or partner or support person at all. I help THEM help MOM.



I'm really excited for this and can't wait to start being a doula for family and friends. I'm not charging anything as i start out and dont know if i ever will. I love babies, and pregnancy, and birth. I just really wanna be THERE for women if they are scared, have anxiety about pain, and just need someone to hold their hand.


SO.... that being said. If you or anyone you know would like to get more info about this or would like ME or OTHER doulas in your area to talk to if your eggo is preggo, please let me know! Comment below with your e-mail address and I will totes give you referrals or more information about it.


KTHXBAI!

Tennessee

Christys pops flew me across the country to spend time with his darling daughter/drive 29 hours home with her to Utah.

Things i learned from the south:
Accept kindness. They are genuine, not creepy.
Rides in off roading vehicles are funner when you put your arms up and make cartoon noises
People are serious there about their mini golfing...and go karts?
Smoky mountains are BEAUTY!
Midnight lumberjacking competitions are real life.
Ziplining is 1/5 scary and 4/5 fun.
Screaming at random intervals during a roadtrip is funny/scary
Nashville is ADORBZ.
Kansas sucks
Beyonce rocks.


Sooo....this happened. And it was totes fun. kthxbai

 

Dear Husband,

I found this song this weekend.. 

And it reminds me of you. 

Please come find me soon, k?

Love,

Your wife 

quote of the day

This is our normal dinner conversation:




michelle: mom, wouldn't nicole be a good jail social worker?

nicole: i wanted to be, but then dad said i'd get shot. but i think it'd be fun.

mom: um NO. they would throw their poop at you. im not kidding. IM NOT KIDDING!

dad: they would.

mom: ...thats why i'd commit suicide before i ever went to jail.

Lunch Lady LUZ

Once upon an elementary school, there was a lunch lady. Named Luz.

Not pronnounced "Luce" or "Luhz"
....prounounced.... LOOHZ.

Luz was from...i dont even know what country. Turkey? Trinidad? Somewhere in the baltics? IDK.
anyways...all the kids were a yiiiiiiddle bit afraid of her, because she had a VERY thick accent and was always frazzled and frustrated when she had to deal with children. she was nice if you were one of the first 10 kids to pay in the lunchline, because it was....only 10 kids. but i was usually in one of the bad classes with the 'bad' kids, so we always got to lunch later than the rest of the classes. we waited in the hot sun, were STARVING, loud and wrestless......so....150 kids later, i usually got my hot lunch....from Luz...the pissed-off-english-as-a-second-language-lunch-lady.

My elementary was known for having the most AWFUL hotdogs (pink and green hotdogs that bounced when you dropped them...) and we were also known for the best D-A-M-N curly fries this side of the mississippi. they were perfect curly fries. long and soggy and seasoned to boot. ANYWAY.

So, I would get meany-pants LUZ when she was sweaty, pissed, frazzled, stressed, and so annoyed with the children that she didnt even try to speak english, she basically just yelled at you:
"AHYYEHHUOUOUYYEAHHAHOUOOBONONOKJHYIOOUUWWHEO!!!!"
this was after i had handed her my handful of sweaty change from my swishy pants that probably consisted of dimes and nickels. Sure she didnt like counting the change...but shes a lunch lady, what should she expect!? i always had to hold my breath nervously whenever i got hot lunch...because sometimes Luz would 'count wrong' and look up at you and started jibberishing at you again.
Cheeks hot.
Palms sweaty.
Shove hands in swishy pants pockets.
Nervous glance upwards through my bangs.

Luz: You No HAVA!!!!! Bruntomukkay?
me: *shyly* umm huh?
Luz: Bruntomu nohaveh tensentsa!!! ukkay!
me: .............what did you say?
Luz: BRUNTOMU TENSENTSA UKAY? UKKAYGOH!

and then she would shoo me off to pick up my flimsy white tray holding tots, fries and cold green beans. How was i to know i was 10 cents short? I HAD HOLES IN MY POCKETS SOMETIMES OKAY!?

Good memories in that cafeteria i tell you. Finding out my elementary crush actually liked me back..... trading my fig newtons for some pudding or gushers.....leaving class early and walking my kindergarten buddies to get free lunch..(and trying to get them to teach me arabic)...and the best, was Sarah S.  One time in the cafeteria, i remember telling Sarah S. that the red jello served by Luz was actually sheep guts. She believed me and threw away her lunch.

Anyway.
So..everyone knew the lunch food AND the lunch lady were sketchy..................................So what did i do as class representative in the school student council?

....Wrote a school newspaper article about the *mystery meat* us children were being served in the cafeteria. I think the title of the article was actually called, *Mystery Meat in the Cafeteria*. I was so clever and original. and PUBLISHED. i was published. WIN.

i remember going in during student council time with a friend and telling Luz we needed to examine the meat. I dont remember the conversation, but i imagine it went something like this:

Me: I need to examine the meat for the school newspaper
Luz: hjfkdshfjkdshfkdjslafhuniwrhuialnmc
Me:.......
Luz: FHDJSAKFHDKLAFKJAHF!!!!!!!!!
Me: .....meat.
Luz: HEEYA *throws down frozen chicken patties infront of me and my 'assistant'.*

We tore into the meat and find green tinted coloring (real) and suspicious black 'dots' (fake on the suspicious part)...........i published in the paper that it was probably mold...but im pretty sure it was just pepper.

Moral of the story: Luz was crazy and fed us poison. And she had a poisonous attitude towards children.

The end.

Quote of the day

Me: I'm PATHETIC!!!! I'm a college grad and live with my parents!
Mom: Hey, you chose this
Me: *silence*
Mom: ...............and your parents are awesome.

and

Mom: stop putting yourself on the clearance rack at k-mart. Your future husband does not shop there. You belong at Nordstroms, and you are not on sale!



Thanks mom.<3 br="br">

things i'll never say

avril lavigne eighth grade punk rock ballad..haha...im sure i cried my eyes out to that song many nights of my KJH days. (I actually remember blasting it from my boom box as well while i would cake on the eye liner in the morning...)

but im serious. i'd like to say these things i'll never say...in hopes i'll stop thinking about them. its not because i'm prideful, or too stubborn to call up these people..... some things just cant be said. And lets be real, some of these things are WAY too mean to say to people! lulzzzzzz.

therapy via world wide interwebz:
A-B-C-D-E-F-G-H-I-J


Dear A,
I unfollowed you on social media because i was jealous of your fabulous life.
fab life, fab husband, fab house.
sorry.

Dear B,
Sometimes I think of you and how you are choosing to have a sucky life. I know its really hard and stuff...but i also know what an idiot you are. Abusing substances will only get you so far. I'm afraid someday I'm gonna get a phonecall telling me they found your body somewhere....and that makes me so nervous and sad :/
Quit being stupid and throwing away your brain. and your life.


Dear C,
I'm offended you hate me. It hurts my feelings a little.
I was a good friend to you...and I wish you would have appreciated and realized that back then.
I miss you. Still think you are totes beautiful.
but if i ever ran into you, i would immediately run the other way.
And....i still think its funny you can't spell.


Dear D,
I'm still mad at you. and really hurt by you.
I'm mad you dont care. I'm mad that i care.
you are not who people think you are. you are scared of life and kind of a baby.
im glad we ended when we did.
...im also embarrassed i still let you affect me.
I wish i never ever ever ever met you.
and i think its SO stupid you date sluts...because i am fabulous. and funny.
bye.


Dear E,
Does getting married really make you gain 75 pounds?
Just curious.
cuz....I better prepare myself if thats true. :/


Dear F,
You are still in my thoughts, occasionally.
You dont deserve an occasional thought, to be honest.
Stop being psycho.
I wish you hadn't taken up so many years of my life.
I also wish i could use every cuss word imaginable on you. Any respectable person would.
If i ever run into you, i will swiftly kick you in the crotch and run away.
You have been warned.



Dear G,
Thanks for dumping me.
I've lost 15 pounds thanks to you.



Dear H,
Sorry you got partnered with me that one time in class...but contrary to popular belief and your rude opinion, I'm not a lazy student. You are just mad I graduated college in 4 years and am good at passing tests.
Unlike yourself.
Suck on that.


Dear I,
........................you married my dreamboat ex boyfriend i always held out hope for.
Curse you.
Guess what though.....I think you are so so so pretty!!!
And because of that, I hope you get a double chin someday.
Sorry but i do.
See ya never.

Dear J,
Usually in public, people wear CLOTHES.
Just in case you accidentally thought that shirt was a dress.
BYE

run-ins.

ive been wanting to write this post for a while.
and its funny...because i wanted to write it but waited, and then i had my own run in with my past that left me nervous and unsure. but lets not talk about that.


i talked to one of my best friends the other day who had a 'run-in' with her ex. this ex la la la la la LOVED her unconditionally..the kind of love where nothing you say or do or feel can ever be wrong, and will never take away from the love they have for you. It was the type of love that isnt the movie kind of love, because lets be real... thats not real. it was the kind where it is absolutely pure, unconditional, caring deep love....but guess what? something just wasnt right for her.  they were going to get married and everything...but it just didnt feel like it should feel. he loved her with his whole heart for YEARS, even when she didnt know it. and she loved him back, but not the same way. she knew it wasn't going to work. was she scared she was never going to find someone else to love? yes. was she scared she was never going to find someone else who would love her absolutely unconditionally and wholly? yes. did that make her give in to something that didn't feel right? no.

so...they broke up after a long time of being together.   the last time they talked, was the actual day they broke up....and didn't talk for months and months. and then guess what? they ran into eachother at school. they knew it was gonna happen sooner or later....just didn't know it would actually be real life to see each other again, ya know?

they acted like.. 'whats uppppppp!'
talked about work...
talked about school.
sarcastically made fun of how the other person looked, like good friends would joke around.
and then it was like 'well..i'm late for work, see ya.'

no lingering eyes.
no smiles you cant contain.
no butterflies or fast heartbeats or sweaty palms.
no '....its SO good to see you........' heartfelt comments.
no lovey-dovey tension between the two of them.
no aching to hold them one more time.
and guess what? no obsessively thinking about it for days on end.
it was just a run-in for them.

and it made me think..how strange things are and how much life can take turns and twists you absolutely never in a MILLION years thought they would.

these two never thought they would casually run into eachother on campus one day, and then go back to work and class the same day and go on living their lives. they never planned that they would say 'whats up!' to each other and then have other engagements they needed to attend to. they never planned they would pass eachother and stop for 5 minutes to catch up on their lives.

they planned to be together, and live life together, and love each other for good. they planned to be in each other's lives for the rest of all time. they planned to have a family, and commit to each other and ALWAYS be the other half of that person.
and it didnt happen.

they will never hold hands again.
or hug each other everyday. and cry together and laugh together.
they are strangers now. and its fine.

its just so crazy to me to think that two people who have been so in love, can be strangers one day...and go on living their lives....and its okay. time passes, and in 6 months everything is so much different than you had planned.... and it happens every single day. people fall in love, and they fall out of it, and life goes on. and then its weird for me to think...that every boy that i have loved has become a stranger to me. and people you thought would be there for always....arent.

i dont quite know what i wanted to figure out by writing this post....but i guess i just realized its weird to me how life has a way of working out, and people have a way of coming and going.

but thats life. it goes on, right?