rant rant rant rant rant RANT

it hurts. and aches. and it makes it worse that its the holidays.
it just wants to listen to john mayer on repeat and never hop out of bed.
my little heart is out of order right now, and will be for a while.
this christmas i cried. i bet i'll be crying on my 21st birthday. and new years eve too probably while everyone else is smooching their sweetheart to bring in the new year.
i hear that broken hearts are worse on the holidays...i believe it.

and its because no one gets it. no on understands unless you know what it feels like.
the feeling where you read something you wish you hadnt and the awful feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when your brain makes sense of what youre reading..
the feeling where you realize that a lie would have been better than admitting the truth to yourself.
or the feeling of finding out who a person is..how they really felt. what they really thought of you all along. what they'd really been saying...finding out their loyalty and true character.
you dont know unless you know what it feels like to always have a cloud hanging over your head. so dont tell me to let the sunshine in when you clearly have never had a rainy day.

its hard. im holding on, but its hard. i need to mourn and move on.

The Little Big Book of Love

New for my bookshelf as of today...

 'The Little Big Book of Love'
...which i HIGHLY recommend for the  hopeless romantic pathetic person.. or anyone who just loves wonderfulness. i've been wanting it for ages since i saw it on a blog i stalk. its full exerpts from favs like: Pride and Prejudice, famous sonnets from William Shakespeare (win), and my most favoritest Jane Eyre (I'm naming my daughter after her fyi)

Its also full of of love letters from couples like John and Abigail adams, Winston and Clemintine Churchill, Napoleon and Josephine and much more.

Men back then were so.. classy.

Anyone who knows me just knows that i eat this crap up!!!

 Seriously, go buy it ladies.

(christy, i recommend this for YOU to read while crippled from your surgery. bless you.)

vegas, unicorns, ireland and space

i never would have thought i'd be entertained continuously watching a 10 minute youtube. God bless anesthesia. My christmas present to all of you: this gem.

today...

today on the freeway i was fine.
and then i went to visit a friend and was fine.
and then i hopped in the truck and 'just havent met you yet' came on by mr. buble...
and i cried, and cried. i cried so much my nose is raw from tissues.

i need a change of scene. asap.

lemme dream for a moment:

from the mouth of corbin

corbin is the sweet litte 8 year old i nanny. blake his big brother, whos 11.


(while i was helping him with his homework)
me: you could use it in a sentence like.... 'corbin sat like a lump on the couch'
corbin: corbin made a lump...........in his pants.


blake: it was so so salty!!!!
corbin: kinda like worms?
blake: corbin you tried worms before?
corbin: whaaaaat? it was ONE time. i was curious.


corbin: my parents didnt know until they realized my pet goldfish was missing. it tasted like.. fried fish. but just.. raw. you know?


blake: would you rather be cool or hot?
corbin: cool. being hot is the chicks job.


(playing super mario..)
blake: pause it a second while i'm on the phone or i'll die!!!
corbin: (pauses it for 5 seconds and then unpauses it and looks at me) What?? its what brothers do.


me: do you have a girlfriend at school?
corbin: girlfriendS.
me: do you love them?
corbin: yes
blake: WHAT!?!?
corbin: what? i'm in love. i really am you guys.

in pictures..

on repeat:  "dont speak" by no doubt. and the cute boys i nanny for even sing along to it now. :) gwen sefani is just.. rad.

hoping for: a magic 300 bucks to bestow itself upon me so i can buy a real camera. only been my dream the past 5 years.

happy that: my finals were a piece of cake and i'll be in the magic kingom next week! mmm.. cake..

wanting to watch: more episodes of 16 &pregnant. sue me.

can't wait for: whenever this cramp in my BOOTY stops. really. i've had it the past 48 hours and im almost in tears. i cant decide whether or not i should lather it in more icyhot till its numb or just man up and sit it out. TMI? not sorry.

needing to: exercize more. (30 day shred started today, snitches)

wish: ...i had a million dollars. hot dogggg!

love that: christmas is right around the corner.

tis the season.

Gramps

A few days ago was Grandpas funeral.
It was sad, but surprisingly comforting to know he was reunited with his sweet love, Lorraine.

When i walked into the funeral home to start playing prelude..i passed my cousins, talking and laughing. (i'm glad for mormon funerals. no black and strange mourning...) i walked by my grandpa's casket, which was open. my first thought was nothing. nothing came to my mind. blank. then i thought that it wasn't real. then i thought it didn't look like him..at all. thats not the grandpa i grew up with. where were his wrinkles? where was his skin color, and why did his whispy hair look different? his lips were skinny and dark.. it wasnt grandpa. i felt strange and wanted to get away from the casket as fast as i could..even though it was just my grandpa. is that bad? i knew though that it was him, but it wasn't. his spirit didn't reside in that body at all. it was completely empty and we were all sure of that.

i played the piano during the service...didn't cry because i was too focused on not messing up. i glanced over at grandpa a few times during the prelude..but quickly looked away each time. when the funeral director asked if anyone wanted to get up to see him before he closed the casket, i hesitated. in my mind i thoguht i should, but my body wouldnt move. good thing i don't know how to make decisions... i don't like that i'm going to remember that image of him. no one should remember a loved one in that image. When we watched him closing the cakset.. the first thing that came to my mind was that they shouldn't be closing it. they need to let him breathe..he'll be shut away if they close it. what was i thinking?

things got lighter when we all discussed his jokes and the things he used to say "you can marry more money in a day than you can make in a lifetime" thank you, don.

we talked about when he met grandma right after he got home from the navy.. and how she was 'very impressed' with him. (she wrote a poem about 'that day in may' when she saw him being greeted by all his friends who were so happy that he was home.. she remembered seeing him the icecream parlor and being soooo twitterpated by him and how popular he was. cuuuute. she read it to me 2 weeks before she died. it was darling.) they fell in love and after five years, ran off to the pink flamingo in vegas to get married. haha i dont even know why. thats so random of them.. but they later were sealed in the temple.

i held it together pretty well until the graveside service. my cousins and uncles were the pallbearers for him, and carried his casket right next to where my grandma is burried...i didnt go to my grandma's graveside service after she died.. i just didn't want to. i have always felt weird about things like that.. but since this was right after the funeral, our whole family attended.

 As they carried him to his final resting place, the navy colorguard soluted his passing casket. i cried.
When the bugle player played 'taps' i felt like i was in the movies. i don't know why.. it was just surreal. i watched the colorguard slowly and carefully fold the flag while the bugle player finished his song, and we watched him bend forward and hand it to my uncle who has been his caretaker the past 5 years.
"on behalf of the president of the united states..."

i wept. my cousins wept. voices held back shakes as prayers were given...and then it was done. the make-shift boutineers i made hours before were placed on his casket in a final tribute.

tears left and comfort ensued. over dinner we talked with cousins and other family about memories we had from when we were little.. sneaking into places.. games we used to play...funny memories of what awkward children we were.. and it was just comforting. peace to know that families are forever, and death is not the end. it isn't. and i feel so sad for those who think it is.

mr. hanks.

i have no idea where the quote is from that i posted a while back...the one about a lifetimes worth of talk? ya know what i'm talkin about?.. but i love it.. so much. it makes me think of the most tender memories i have of my favorite patients... ann and russell. that quote encompasses what i want in my life. a lifetimes worth of talk.

anyways, latelys been rough.

but i remembered this tonight and it made me feel a little better though.

and i've loved this quote for so long..

 i watched cast away annnnd when tom hanks comes home from the island and finds out his fiancee who thought he was dead was married to a dentist, annnnd this is what he monologued to his buddy:

"And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow. I had to keep breathing. Even though there was no reason to hope. And all my logic said that I would never see this place again. So that's what I did. I stayed alive. I kept breathing. And one day my logic was proven all wrong because the tide came in, and gave me a sail. And now, here I am. I'm back. In Memphis, talking to you. I have ice in my glass... And I've lost her all over again. I'm so sad that I don't have Kelly. But I'm so grateful that she was with me on that island. And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"

thanks mr. hanks.

(Anaehoomalu bay on the big island. ahh. i miss it.)

motivation.

if i lose 25 pounds...............................

i'm going to buy myself this dress. normally, i would never,ever spend that much money.

actually i dont buy anything thats not marked down by at least 50% off.

but i want this beauty. and i dont want fat nicole to buy the dress.

skinny nicole must buy the dress. 

therefore: i must exercise.

i seriously will sell my soul for it. well. not really. but i'll give up the easy life of being chubby..

it is motivation enough for me to stop shoving my face full of reeses and cookies.

bring on the miserable days of no carbs and no yummy time.

rollercoaster magic.

i feel like this semester has been a rollercoaster.
an ongoing, never-ending roller coaster.
you get all excited at the highs
scared before the dips
wanting to get off when you feel a little sick after so many twists and turns...
but then wanting to get back on again after the ride is over.

bleheheh. life is tough
school, money, jobs, relationships

i need a magic wand.
if i had one..this is what would happen:
-i'd lose 25 pounds "reducto cellulito"
-i'd be rich "infinite currencio"
-i'd be done with school "educatia finito"
-i'd be perfectly happy and problem free "instantio serotonia"
-nutella and coldstone would be a very important part of the food pyramid "carbtransfatiosugarhighio-crucialo"

you BET i'd be muttering those charms every day. oh if only.

uhm.

i dont really have anything to say other than...
i've been dreaming about going back to hawaii (literally) as the semester is coming to an end. good idea? bad idea? i think good idea. i'll teach primary and get a sweet tan again.

thats all.

"even with my feeties"

remember how hawaii was the worst, most challenging job of my life?
well, it was.
but i still miss this sweet little kid.

a lifetimes talk

"love isnt an act. its a whole life. its staying with her now because she needs you; its knowing you and her will still care about eachother when butterflies and daydreams, fights and futures, when all thats on the shelf and done with. love.. i'll tell you what love is: it's you at seventy-five and her at seventy-one, each of you listening for the others step in the next room, each afraid that a sudden silence, a sudden cry, could mean a lifetimes talk is over." -Brian Moore

name.

bloggiebloggieblog is bleh to me.

maybe because i made it up senior year of highschool when my creativity level was that of the amount of calories in frozen yogurt. and maybe i was too caught up in texting and being obsessed with boys who wore' pokemon shirts. (shiver) thank heavens for english 2010.

whatever.

sorry indians.

sooo we whipped up a quick thanksgiving due to us not being able to visit jackie for thanksgiving. (boo)

of course, for SOME REASON... the bad november holiday joojoo came and haunted us again. for some reason... right around thanksgiving...my family gets in a strange fight. heaven knows what causes it..maybe its the stress of making all the food..maybe its because we arent fully prepared for winter and it sneaks up on us and it seems to back-attack us.. or maybe the oven is just turned up too damn high. (we dont do well with heat. i personally get a littttttle pissy when i'm hot. dont cross me when the heat is up)

anyway, things ended up being fine like always and we had our thanksgiving dinner just fine. while stuffing our faces, we all discussed our worst injuries. it was great. we went around the table and shared things like this:
-3 broken arms
-2 run-ins with sliding glass doors
-1 standing-on-the-basketball-trick gone wrong
-2 times my face got smashed into bleachers
-3 incidences of falling off the monkey bars and hurting limbs
-1 chubby diaper butt stuck with sat-on staples

and so on and so forth.

then we watched 2 episodes of the office, 2 episodes of hoarders...were all too tired to play any games so we saved that for yesterday.. (how did i not win when the green card was "filthy" and i put down anne frank?)

so, we celebrated the holiday like the rest of the U.S...by ticking off PETA and jumping over the fact that we are celebrating a holiday about us kicking the indians out of 'our' country.

God bless America.

updates, legos and fish.

i've been M.I.A lately. sorry.

lately:
I've been hating the recent snow. hate hate hate. instead of going outside and doing normal daily tasks, i watch animal planet and eat cookies with my roommates.

speaking of cookies, i keep gaining that stupid winter fatty weight from Nadeene and its killin me.

harry potter 7= epic. i love everything about the magical world of witchcraft and wizardry. and someone...got a very special letter from that school.. i'll post pictures soon.

i cant get enough of 'no doubt' lately. i just love em. maybe cuz my friend nannies for gwen.. but seriously. i love her.

i nanny for 2 sweet little boys a few days here in logan. here are some funny things i've been meaning to post..

corbin: and then we crashed the lego cars off the cliff and pretended they exploded!
blake: corbin, that is violent. (sincerely with a thoughtful look) i just.. dont get violence.

corbin: i want to play my legos in PEACE!!!!

corbin: you shouldnt feed fishsticks to fish. thats like having a human eat their arm.

phone-readin-snitches.

some girl dropped her phone on campus, so my dearest roomie christy, of course.. picked it up and found 'mom' in the contacts and called her telling her that her daughter lost her phone.. cuz christy is just a good person like that.

so, after a few days of the phone sitting on our table waiting for her to pick it up.. this happens:

me: i wonder if theres any good texts in there?
christy: read em!!!!!

so what if i'm a snoop? SUE ME. big fat whoop. its the only excitement in my life next to talking about incontinence and elderly sex life in social gerontology (shivvvvveeerrr. eeek. and i'm kidding.)
and maybe there was someone texting her telling her they got kidnapped and needed help asap? i was just trying to do my civil dutyand getting a kick out of it as a plus. maybe i just like harmless snooping in strangers lives. get over it.

i proceeded to read texts such as..
"hey can you work for me saturday?"
or
"hey did you get ahold of our boss?"

boring.
i scroll down..

from: Edward
oh honey bee i wuv you so much! muahw!

from: Edward
When i hold your face all i see is beauty! you are my queen! muahw! OH i can't wait to see you! muahw! :) :) :)

from: Edward:
how about after work you give me a good foot and back massage? How about some nice hot coco with whipped cream? ;) ;) ;) i just love you

-_-  i'll stop there. edward obviously likes making the kissing noise in text lingo to sound chinese..or a mix between alien/larg feral cat? i dont know. muahw. muahw.

and then:

from Mckenzie:
so did you work things out with Alex?

gasp.

either she is a cheatin hobag and is gonna end up on true life: cheaters or she has a freakish twilight obsession and calls her boyfriend  'Edward' who is really named 'alex' and is going to be on true life: twilight intervention.

beats the heck outta me. i think she's cheating.
Poor Alex.

best advice..

me: whats your advice for me today?
mom: don't listen to any advice from anyone. make your own decisions based on what YOU think is best.

panda.

quote of the day

"I'm just going to bed. I'm not showering. Showering is for girls with boyfriends."

The Livvy-Cole Diaries: Speical Episode

yes. my sweet little olivia is ENGAGED.

go ahead and watch this video as much as you like. i witnessed a REAL proposal. my best friends! i was even involved!!!!!!!!!

LOOK AT THAT CHEESER!

he shook so much he almost put it on her pinky!!!

i love them and cannot wait for their wedding in may.

livvy is going to be the most wonderful wife and mother. and her house is going to be decorated SOOOO cute! so, another one bites the dust. and i couldnt be happier! they are so happy together.

quote of the day

"he called me today just to talk.

kill me as soon as possible so i can die thinking we'll end up together!!!!!!!!!!!!"

 

 

 

 

today.

today it snowed.

sir winter is back.

kill me fast.

the boy is out of town for a week....its winter...

therefore: i craft with lauren!!!!

modge podge here we go.

pictures to come!

zombies vs. humans

the other day, i saw a bunch of college ADULTS running around with nerf guns, and something neon tied around their forehead like the karate kid. the labels read "HUMAN" *blank stare...*

the next day, there were more and more groups of college ADULTS running around with nerf guns, and nerf bullet holders strapped to their chest. and now, most of the names read "ZOMBIE". *alarmed stare...*

what. on. earth?

apparently, the university geeklings decided to have a week-long zombies vs. humans nerf gun fight. it started with 1 zombie, and the rest were humans. once the 1 zombie hit you, you were "infected" and became a zombie...hence..the growing population of zombie nerfgunners.

as andrew and i were on our way to the library to study around 9 p.m. (mind you, this goes on all day, all night, and even on the campus BUSSES), we saw a group of dungeon and dragon-type looking kids running quite speedily towards the TSC, clad in the neon head wraps and equipped with nerf ammo.

5 minutes later i saw an ambulance speed down 700 E..
stupid zombies probably ran into the street trying to infect a human...
maybe THAT will teach you to grow up and go to college instead of playing a dead-corpsy gun game you morons.

instead of speedily rushing to class everyday like i always do, i made sure to not have a run-in with a zombie OR a nerfed out human, just in case one decided to turn on me and force me to play their evil game.
p.s...the only zombies i like are the ones in the 'thriller' music video. don't you agree? over and out.

halloweenie photos

yes, finally. hermione granger happened. i've only been meaning to dress up as her for 3 years. seriously. and yes, my mom asked where i got my 'wig'. the booth fam had a little halloween celebration, and as always it was fabulous. even the parental unit dressed up. even the dogs dressed up. (ozzie was ronald weasley, incase you were confused.)

i love booth holidays.

wonderful. happy halloweenie.

 

insta-wait.

insta-care is an oxymormon. its really instawait. because you get here, and they tell you "it will be about 45 minutes until you are seen." and wanna know what "until you are seen" means? it means: "thats when we'll bring you back to weigh you and then send you back and laugh at you because you got punked and have to wait another 20 minutes".

poor lauren. maybe we shoulda made her sickness more urgent and say that she has gangreen or something instead of a hurt toe.

anyways. halloween was wonderbar. pictures soon. thanks for nothing, logan instacare.

uhmmm

i made a post of all the beautiful fall pictures i've taken lately........

but i refuse to post them until it stops raining. this weather is pissing me off.

in other news:
in gerontology class today we talked about drunk old people. sort of funny, sort of sad, sort of reminded me of one of my patients who downed a bottle of vodka a day and other various alcoholic beverages and would pass out in his underwear everynight.

i also eat 2 to 3 bowls of honey bunches of oats a day.
thats where my spare tire has come from.
kill me.
only more fat to come with halloween approaching. yessss. BYE.

heeee hee, HEEEEE.

Smart, Pretty and Awkward dot com..

“I have had dreams, and I have had nightmares. I overcame the nightmares because of my dreams” — Jonas Salk



How to be Smarter: People that get their feathers ruffled over unimportant things rarely learn how to fly.

Breaking News:

Cops: Mass. woman threw dog poop in driver’s face
-----------------------------------------------

BELMONT, Mass. - A Massachusetts woman has been charged with throwing a bag of dog feces into the face of a passing motorist to try to slow him down.



Police said Tuesday the woman admitted tossing doggie dung at the driver because she believed he was speeding in Belmont, a Boston suburb with about 25,000 residents. Lt. Rick Santangelo says the woman initially contacted police last week and reported she was walking her dog when she saw the motorist nearly hit a man on a bicycle.

Santangelo says the motorist contacted police the next day to report being struck in the face with dog poop. The woman  is charged with assault and battery with a dangerous weapon, vandalism to property and disorderly conduct.


Crappy reason for going to jail, eh eh?

snippets

so heres some random stuff:

-i went to pilates today cuz i need to lose the weight of a large infant. it was pretty okay, minus the fact that my elbow pits are sore. ????

-i'm heading to fresno with boy next week. :) killer fall vacay, yes?

-my momma is in california taking care of my grandpa. shes a good daughter to him.

-i havent seen the floor of my bedroom for weeks.

-true life: i'm addicited to halo

-today lauren and i hit up borders and read magazines and nommed on pumpkin bread samples for about 2 hours. it was heaven. the smell of that place just gives me the happies.

-school is just fine.

-boy and i went to conference. he was whispering in my ear facts about the general authorities about every 3 minutes. seriously. he also said during the prayer, 'look! Henry B. has his eyes open!!!!!'

-hearing 'I am a child of God' sung by 20,000 people is quite powerful.

-my dear livvy is moving out and moving to provo soon so she can marry her cute boyfriend in the future.. (its not official yet. don't say anything.)

-the plumbing in my house sounds like a basilisk

-Harry Potter 7 comes out soon. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

NieNie

(oh this just in.. i definitely spotted me and kristin in the pictures on nie's blog.)

Yes.
I saw her. In real life. from the SECOND ROW!
(# 85 on my list of things to do before i die.. meet her in real life. so... almost!)
For those of you that don't know, I'm obsessed with her. Shes a cute mormon mom who survived a plane crash.. and in doing so, got burned on over 80% of her body..was in a coma for 3 months, and is learning to live her new life. she went from this pretty lady:

 to this pretty lady:

and talked at BYU about being a pretty lady no matter what.

Me and kristin sat behind Boss Nielson and his cologne was giving me the chokes.. but it was worth it. Stephanie and Christian Nielson are so cute..and I feel blessed I got to hear her talk. She sobbed through the whole thing.. bless her. Minus wanting to punch the girl behind me, the rest of the 4000 people in the wilk ballroom were in awe at how great she was! Oh and, Kristin sniped a picture of Mr. Nielson..

What a woman. Surviving a plane crash and still decorating your house all cute and being supermom?

Props.

flowers & courtyards

today it was a bit windy in logan, like always. i walked by a patch of flowers on campus on my way home from school..and i got a beautiful waft of pansies and babies breath... brought me back to the little courtyard on 4360 westwood avenue. major flashback.

oh that getto darling courtyard. lots of cement and bricks..and  mostly dirt..and bikes and toys..and a few little flowers. i remember pouring cups of water in the dirt and making mud pies.. filling up buckets of water and having my barbies swim and splash in them..(usually i used a laundry basket, and that didnt really work..)shameful ester dress pictures.. etc.

 we also had a sad little hibiscus plant, that never really adorned our courtyard because everytime a flower bloomed, one of the 5 sisters would promptly pluck it off and place it behind her ear, clad in the famous pink hawaiian dresses, and pretend we were maylie in 'blue hawaii' and proceed doing the hula.

(i miss hawaii and hibiscus flowers.)

i hope when i'm married and live on a ranch and have 16 children, they will always pick fresh flowers for me from the yard so we can always have them on our kitchen table. (and i hope they are smiling like kristin when they give them to me hahahahahha)